Professor Dinosaur

Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Luna walked into the Great Hall on the first day of the new school year.

"I wonder who the new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher will be," Harry mused.

"I heard he's a bit strange," said Ginny.

"Strange!" Luna exclaimed, "He's the anti-Christ!"

"Oh, come on," said Ron. "He can't be worse than Umbridge."

"Trust me, he's worse."

"Luna," Hermione reminded her. "Umbridge set Dementors on Harry to try to get him expelled, she gave Draco Malfoy and the most evil Slytherins power over us plus she was fully willing to use the Cruciatus curse on Harry. How can anyone be worse?"

Luna gave her a terrified look. "You have no idea."

She didn't have the chance to elaborate, however, as Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny sat down at the Gryffindor table while Luna went to sit with the Ravenclaws.

After the sorting, Dumbledore stood up as usual to make his start-of-term announcements. Everyone listened eagerly to find out who would be teaching Defence against the Dark Arts; no extra teachers were at the table.

"And finally: I was hoping to introduce your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, professor Dinosaur but he is, unfortunately, busy."

Luna's cry of "Yes!" was audible throughout the hall.

"But fear not, he will be here for his first lesson tomorrow. Now off to bed you trot."

Hermione and Ron rounded up their first-years and led them away. Harry wandered back to the common room with Ginny.

"What sort of person has the name 'Dinosaur'?" he asked.

Ginny shrugged. "A children's entertainer?"

"Well at least - oh no."

Harry's eyes became wide with horror.

"What?"

"They wouldn't."

"They wouldn't what?"

"Oh nothing. It's impossible. Don't worry."

***

Harry certainly looked worried when he sat down in Advanced Defence against the Dark Arts class the next day. Hermione and Ron looked concerned as they sat down next to him.

"Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah. It's impossible, they wouldn't do it."

"Well I hope this one is just like the last one," proclaimed Draco as he swaggered in the room. "It's a shame we don't have more teachers like Professor Umbridge."

Harry twitched and started shaking.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Harry opened his mouth but was interrupted by a strange voice.

"Hey kids!"

Harry covered his head with his hands.

What appeared to be a large Purple dinosaur with a big grin walked into the classroom.

"I'm Professor Dinosaur but you can call me... Barney!"

Every Muggleborn in the classroom was sitting with their eyes wide with horror and their mouths open in silent screams. Draco Malfoy merely scoffed.

"Barney Dinosaur?"

"Barney the Dinosaur" corrected Seamus. Everyone looked at him. "My Grandma made me watch it once."

He shuddered.

"Come on Seamus," said Barney. "Let's go have fun!"

Seamus quivered. Draco laughed.

"Yeah Seamus! What's the matter? Is the bwave Gwyffindor scared of the 'ickle Dinosaur?"

"Why that's not very nice, Draco. Hey! Why don't we all just sing a song?"

The Muggleborns ducked under the tables. Malfoy laughed but stopped abruptly when sickeningly joyful music started from nowhere. The class stared, dumbstruck.

"I love you, you love me,

We're a happy family,

With a great big hug,

And a kiss from me to you,

Won't you say you love me too?"

Harry and Hermione peeked out from their hiding place. Ron was sitting, frozen to his seat, bearing an expression of pure terror. Draco was wincing in pain. Professor Dinosaur was doing a dance at the front of the class, or what he claimed was a dance. Jumping from foot to foot, waving your arms around doesn't really count.

"Let's play a game!"

Harry and Hermione dived again. Ron's fingers clamped on the table edge for a moment before he was dragged away to join in.

Harry shook his head grimly. "That poor soul."

All those cowering under the desk tried to cover their ears from the horrors above. The fake laughter and the 'dum de dum' were terrifying. Finally came the worst, all the students were singing.

"Barney is a Dinosaur from our imagination,

When he's tall he's what we call,

A dinosaur sensation!

Barney teaches lots of things,

Like how to play pretend,

A-B-C's and 1-2-3's,

And how to be a friend!

Barney comes to play with us,

Whenever we may need him,

Barney can be your friend too,

If you just make believe him."

There were rampaging footsteps that died away. Very slowly, the remaining few who had managed to escape the clutches of Barney emerged from under the tables and gazed round the now empty classroom.

"No wonder Dumbledore hired him," said Justin Finch-Fletchley. "Can you imagine him up against the Death Eaters? You-know-who wouldn't stand a chance."

"True," said Harry. "But does anyone deserve that?"