It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Cake means surprises

We were in the Common room and Melanie was showing me a few moves to try out on Jane.

"Now if she's disarmed you," she was saying. "Point your wand at me. My hands are up. So she's disarmed you, you immediately step to one side so she can't curse you, put one hand on her arm like this." She demonstrated every move as she explained. "Notice I'm not grabbing it, just placing it so you can guide it. Now slide your other hand off that one and with your elbow catapult your fist into Jane's nose."

She paused, an inch from my nose. Lione was next to me, watching Melanie intently, copying her every move. Joseph was sitting on the sofa, cuddling a cushion to his chest and wincing every time Melanie made any sudden movements. He obviously had experience of this sort of thing. Gregory was standing nearby looking disapproving.

"Now, Lee," Melanie said, turning to Lione. "If someone grabs your wrist again all you have to do is pull at the thumb, that's the weakest part of the grip. Ooh! And if someone tries to strange your face off, grab their arms and step back while pushing forwards."

"How do you know all this?" Gregory demanded.

"Women's self defence class," said Melanie. Joseph flinched at the words. "After last year mum made me go. I've been practicing on Joey all summer, haven't I, Joe?"

"Joseph," he corrected.

"See," said Melanie, triumphantly, having apparently picked up Jack's habit of making up Joseph's side of the conversation. "Now," she turned to Gregory with an evil look on her face. "If you get attacked by a guy it's step, turn, weight, fist, down. Right where it hurts."

Every boy in the near vicinity winced. Gregory went visibly white even though I knew Melanie hadn't gone anywhere near him.

Lione grinned. "I'll have to remember that," she said.

"Me too," said Joseph, muffled behind his cushion.

"Hey guys."

Lione's face lit up as Robin Little appeared. Robin was in the year above us and was just genuinely a nice person. He got on brilliantly with Lee and was quite friendly with me as well. He and Joseph didn't really speak but not in a 'can't stand each other' way or a 'you're beneath me' kind of way but more in the way that I'm not particularly on speaking terms with my milkman. They're aware of each other's existence but they don't really have anything to talk about. Gregory he didn't on with. Actually that's a bit like saying Hagrid was fairly tall. Gregory loathed Robin. He didn't trust him, he didn't like him and he especially didn't like him going anywhere near Lione and I couldn't think why. Robin never did anything to raise Gregory's temper but he must have picked up on some of the hatred because he was rather cool with him.

"Hi Robin," said Lione. "Hey 'Arry."

'Arry Shunpike was Robin's friend. I must admit that I, like everyone else, was a little taken aback when Lee introduced him as 'Arry but, like Robin says, if a person's name is what they introduce themselves to you as then his name most definitely is 'Arry.

"Hey," 'Arry replied.

"You going down to the feast?" Robin asked.

Melanie looked at her watch. "Is it that time already? I gotta go," she grabbed her hat and ran out of the room.

"We saw you put yer name in this morning," 'Arry said to me. "Good luck."

"Thanks," I replied, feeling myself blush.

"Are you entering?" Lione asked

"Yep," said Robin. "Both of us. Don't stand a chance though."

"Me either," I put in, laughing.

"Shall we go?" said Gregory, pointedly, glaring at Robin and looking incredibly miffed that we were talking to him.

Joseph had reappeared from behind his cushion and was grinning at the scene, looking very pleased at Gregory's discomfort. Lione ignored him.

"I hope someone from Gryffindor gets in though. I would hate it if 'Daisy' was school champion."

"Why? Don't you like her?"

"I don't approve of the company she keeps," Lione replied sourly.

"I don't approve of the company you keep," I just heard Gregory mutter under his breath.

I tried to stop myself from giggling. Joseph had disappeared behind his cushion again and his shoulders were shaking.

"Oh that Jane girl," said Robin, smiling. "That was brilliant this morning, much better than theatre."

"Good on yer for that smack," 'Arry said to me.

"I can't wait for the sequel," Lione commentated.

"Get some mud, minus the 'old back 'nd 'm there," said 'Arry.

Gregory was very red now looking absolutely furious. I decided it might not be a good idea to prolong this conversation.

"Shall we go down?" I suggested.

"Sure," said Lione.

As we left via the portrait hole Gregory deliberately shoved Robin out the way so he could get between him and Lee. Joseph looked like his ribs were about to break from laughing. We entered the great hall, which was decked out for Halloween. There were pumpkins everywhere with candles in their mouths and bats flying around the ceiling. Even though it was perfectly fine outside the magical ceiling was showing thunderstorms big enough to make Frankenstein happy. We sat down at the Gryffindor table, and to Gregory's great displeasure, Robin and 'Arry sat down with us. I saw Joseph look uneasily around then sigh almost expectantly. I followed his gaze and saw that Jack and his friends had again chosen to sit at the Gryffindor table with Melanie. I watched Joseph uneasily but decided that he probably wasn't going to have another panic attack just yet. He looked like he was willing to lump it, just for a while.

When the food appeared everyone didn't dive in immediately like they normally do. It was the second feast in two days and I think people were still a little full. The only two people who attacked it with enthusiasm were Joseph who, having not had anything to eat the day before, loaded everything possible onto his plate and Robert who started trying a spoonful of everything until he found something the right consistency before launching into his next masterpiece. I don't think it's that odd that Robert liked to build things from his food. I mean who hasn't made a cocktail sausage gate in their time? Or a bangers and mash volcano with gravy? It was that; after mixing the most disgusting dish you could possibly imagine he actually goes on to eat it. And his dad is a chef...

I leaned over to Lione who was just laughing at something Robin had said.

"You do realise how annoyed you're making Gregory."

"I know," she replied.

"That's why you're doing it," I finished for her.

"You know me too well," she said, smiling.

"No," I corrected. "That was just such an obvious answer."

"Really? I'll have to think of something different? Ask me again."

"Why are you chatting so much with Robin when you know it annoys Gregory, Lee?"

"Ah, a fish may leap over mountains but it is the wombat that sails the frog."

"Well put."

"Thank you. Anyway when it comes to Robin I reserve the right to annoy Gregory as much as possible. I don't know what his problem is! Disliking Robin for no apparent reason."

"No..."

"So? Looking forward to being champion?"

"I am not going to be champion!"

"That's no way to talk," Gregory put in, overhearing my cry. "You've got to be. If it's not you it could be anyone."

"I'll just be happy if it's a Gryffindor," said Joseph. "No offence, Lucy."

"None taken."

"I hope Laura becomes champion," said Samuel. "No offence, Lucy."

"None taken."

"Laura is old enough?"

Everyone groaned and threw Samuel dirty looks. We'd been trying to keep that from Gregory for months.

Samuel looked panicky. "Oh flip."

"But that's perfect!" Gregory cried. "Harry Potter was champion and he nearly died when he faced Voldemort after the third task! It would be so brilliant if Laura could follow in his footsteps."

"What goes through your head?" Lione asked him, looking shocked. "'Almost died' 'Laura can follow in his footsteps'?"

"Nothing goes through his head," said Joseph, tapping Gregory's skull. "There's nothing in there."

"Is too."

"Oh yeah?!" I cried, smiling. "It sounded hollow just then."

I leaned across and tapped him again.

"Oh yeah!" everyone chorused.

We all leaned towards Gregory and started tapping on his head with our fists. He waved us all off.

"Go away! I do too have something in my head. And you're messing up my hair."

Everyone burst out laughing.

Maybe it was the anticipation but dinner seemed to take longer than usual. Maybe it was because most of us weren't easting as much as we normally did so topics of conversation dried up quicker. Every so often you'd see people look anxiously up at the head table to see if anything was going to happen or standing up to check if Dumbledore's plate was empty. Barely anyone (apart from Joseph of course) touched dessert but for some reason Dumbledore seemed to help himself to the largest bit of chocolate Gateau that I've ever seen. Everyone seemed to turn to each other complaining about that.

Lione had stopped chatting with Robin and was leaning across the table whispering hurriedly to Gregory. Occasionally one of them would look round or sway slightly as if searching for something. Gregory mumbled something to Joseph, who craned his neck to look at something before bringing his head low to answer,

"It's still there. Someone must have moved it a little."

"What's happening?" I asked.

"We couldn't see number four," Lione explained. "But we're all set now."

I giggled. "You do realise that this will just slow down finding out who the champions are."

"Yep. And won't that annoy people."

"McGonagall seriously should have asked us if we had any tricks, pranks or jokes planned today," Gregory added with a grin.

"But don't you want to know as well?" I persisted.

"Not as much as I want to do this."

She brought out a black square box with nine numbered buttons (numbered one to nine of course... in case you hadn't figured that out). Her finger hovered above the number one button but she suddenly glanced down the table. An evil grin spread across her face.

"Would you like to do the honours?" Lione asked Joseph innocently, offering him the box.

Joseph frowned and followed her gaze to where she had just been looking. An identical smile covered his lips.

"With pleasure," he said, taking the box and pressing, very firmly, the number seven button.

There were several screams from further down the Gryffindor table as a large cake exploded spraying everyone nearby with marzipan, cream and other mixture. Melanie, who had been very near the blast, jumped to her feet with the most ridiculous indignant squeak I have ever heard and tried to shake the dough off her arms only to be splattered again as another cake, this time at the nearby Hufflepuff table, went off. There was less laughter this time, partly because people knew what was coming and partly because Joseph immediately pressed button number three causing a cake on the Ravenclaw table to detonate.

The Slytherins tried to duck and cover but their cake was too quick for them. Then went off another one at the other end of the table. The Ravenclaws, being very smart and right away spotting a pattern started to shield themselves but Joseph skipped ahead setting off the Hufflepuff cake first then, wincing furiously, caused one very close to us to spread itself over as big an area as possible. Finally, with theatrical flourish, he selected the number four button and the laughing Ravenclaws got what was coming to them - right in the face.

There was a pause of absolute silence, during which I really hurt my lip biting it to stop myself laughing, where I knew, just knew, everyone was waiting to see if there were going to be more explosions, followed by absolute noise.

Some people were laughing. Others were guessing who did it (we were getting a lot of dirty looks despite the fact that we were easily as cake covered as any of them), the foreign students were complaining that this sort of thing would never be allowed to happen at their school (at which point Lione said, "I'm glad I don't go to their schools then. Sounds like they have no fun) and an awful lot of people were shrieking, simply shrieking, that they were covered in cake. As if it wasn't obvious.

Dumbledore stood up raised his wand and declared,

"Scorcify!"

And all the mixture vanished and everyone fell silent. Lione, Gregory, Joseph and I looked up at the staff table guiltily. I don't think I was alone in thanking ourselves that we didn't put a bomb in the cake on the top table. There was a special sort of twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes. Then again, there was always a twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes. He waved his wand and we were plunged into complete darkness (that's a great phrase, isn't it?). The only light came from the Goblet of Fire, which shone sparkling bright, blue-white.

"Any moment," came Dumbledore's voice across the gloom. "The Goblet of Fire will reach its decision. When the champion's names are called will they please walk along the staff table and go into the next chamber where they will receive their first instructions."

The flames inside the Goblet suddenly turned red and sparks bounced out of it. I felt Lione's hand grip mine and squeeze it excitedly. I gave her a grin far braver than I was feeling. Suddenly a tongue of flame (that phrase doesn't make sense...) shot out and a piece of paper dropped neatly into Dumbledore's hand.

"The champion for Durmstrung will be," read Dumbledore, pausing tantalisingly at the vital part. Everyone in the room leaned forward excitedly. "Jack Bower."

Everybody who wasn't watching Jack punching the air and giving Melanie a triumphant hug was looking at Joseph. I expected him to do something like he did last year when Melanie was sorted into Gryffindor such as groan, bash his head on the table, or constantly deny that this was happening and pretend it was a dream he could wake up from any second. But clearly Jack was not another Melanie. Joseph was clapping politely but his expression was slightly glassy eyed. I couldn't help but think that perhaps the reason that Joseph seemed perfectly happy that Jack was champion for his school was that in previous tri-wizard tournaments the death toll amongst champions had been quite high. As Joseph's description of Jack's vicious attack on him came back to me I turned away, unnerved, worried and convinced that someone, preferably not me and ideally someone with some sort of degree, should have a chat with him. Jack got to his feet and after blowing theatrical kisses to most of the people in the hall (which, to my disgust many girls (including Laura to my surprise) appeared to catch and hold to their hearts with a girlish sigh) walked along the front of the teacher's desk and into the side chamber.

There was another tongue of fire from the Goblet and another piece of paper.

"The Beauxbatons champion is," read Dumbledore. "Phillip Audrain."

A boy sitting at the Ravenclaw table got to his feet. The Beauxbatons pupils cheered but a lot more, mostly girls, looked utterly put out. Phillip made his way up to the staff table, walked the length of it until finally vanishing into the same chamber as Jack had moments before.

"And finally," said Dumbledore softly. He snatched up the piece of paper depositing by the next shoot of flame. He looked at it carefully and glanced up at the rest of the hall. Everybody and I mean everybody was on the edge of his or her seat. We were hanging on Dumbledore's every word. "The champion for Hogwarts." It was so tense you could have played the entire school like a violin. "Will be..."