Fed, Dorge and the Unwitting Babysitter

Arthur Weasley straightened his bow tie and stepped into the kitchen. Molly was sweeping up a broken glass.

"Do you want me to tell dad?" he offered.

"No, it's all right," said Molly, flicking her wand so that the dustpan emptied its contents into the bin. "I got a babysitter."

"Really?" said Arthur, smiling slyly. "Who's teaching their teenager a lesson this time?"

"No one actually. I contacted the agency."

Arthur stopped in his tracks. "Really? I didn't think they'd fall for the 'Wusley' trick again."

"They didn't."

"But they're menaces! We're on the black list! No one's willing to sit them now. Surely they can't have forgotten about last time already."

Molly nodded. "That poor girl. Did all her hair grow back?"

"Yes, but she still needs glasses."

"It's really Bill's fault for leaving his wand around."

"Bill and Charlie are out, aren't they?"

"Oh yes, they're both staying with friends."

"Does Bill have his wand with him?"

"No. Do you trust those kids with wands?"

"More than I trust Fred and George if they find it."

Molly nodded again. "Poor Percy. And I can't imagine what they'd do to Ron given the chance."

There was a crack from the hallway.

"That will be her. Unless the twins have broken something else."

A girl with a big smile and two pigtails popped her head round the door. "Hiya! I'm Christina, but you can call me Christy."

Arthur viewed her sceptically. "So you're actually from the agency?"

"Yeah!"

She blew a bubblegum bubble.

"You do know we've got twin toddlers?"

"Oh I'm sorry." She reached in to her mouth and pulled out the gum. "I can throw it away if you like."

"Yes, please, it ruins the carpets. Tell me, how long have you been with the agency?"

"Just one week."

"Have you done anything to annoy them?"

"I don't think so."

"Well I think it's time we left. Molly!"

Molly looked distraught. "But she's so young!" she sobbed.

"Molly," said Arthur in a singsong voice, his teeth clenched in a false smile. "Let's go-o."

He dragged her out the kitchen.

"Ron's the baby, he needs to go to bed now," he rushed as they dashed out the door. "Percy and the twins can stay up a bit longer but not too late. They're in the living room. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. No boys!"

A crack signalled their departure. Christy walked through to the living room.

"Hiya! I'm Christy! I'm your baby sitter for the night."

Four little boys looked back at her. One small red headed child was lying on the floor reading a book. He was looking at her as if she was mad. A baby that was sat on the sofa and strongly resembled a miniature Winston Churchill gazed at her dumbly. Two identical red headed toddlers were giving her twin grins that were unmistakeably evil. Christy was fazed for only a minute. She gave them a baby look.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?"

"'Lo Christy."

"Yurgen nerth."

"Aren't you little angels!"

The oldest rolled his eyes. Christy knelt down to talk to him.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Whasyournameden?"

"Percy."

"Dat's a nice name."

"Is it?"

"I think it is."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Well of course, Percy!"

"Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"Why?"

"Fed!" piped in one of the twins.

"Dorge," said the other.

"Well those are wonderful names!"

"No they're not," said Percy.

"Well that's not nice, Percy. They're very nice names."

"That's not what you said."

Christy ignored him. "Now I need to take little Ron upstairs to bed. You be good now."

As Christy picked up the baby and left the pristine clean room she was certain she heard a "Ha!". When she returned the room was a tip.

"But... but I was only gone five minutes!" she cried.

Percy was now reading on the sofa. "Only took them three," he told her, calmly turning a page.

Christy raced into the kitchen. On a high shelf was a cookie jar. Leading up to this was a small wobbly tower consisting of a chair, an upside-down cauldron, a pair of twins and a large cookbook. One twin was holding up the other to achieve double the height in order to reach the jar. Christy lifted the top twin off the tower, as he was inches away from the jar.

"Come on," she said, taking them both by the hands and leading them away. "Let's go in the other room."

"Don't like other room," said the self proclaimed Fed.

"Why not?"

"'S messy," said Dorge.

"And who's fault is that then?" she asked with mock severity.

They grinned at her. "Us."

"I did the window," Dorge volunteered eagerly.

"I did the vase."

"No I did."

"No I did."

"No you did."

"You did the papers."

"Oh yeah!"

"Come on," said Christy sitting them down next to Percy on the sofa. "Let's play a game."

"Ooh!" cried Fed. "I know! I know!"

"Go on."

"Fondue!"

Percy covered his face with his book. "Oh no."

"How do you play that, then?"

"We det cheese-"

"-'nd cover you wid it-"

"-den tie you up-"

"-'nd put you on a fire."

They grinned at her. She stared at them in horror for a moment before recovering.

"Er... let's not. How about hide and seek? Yay! Percy, would you like to play?"

Percy glanced at his brothers who smiled at him. Or at least moved their lips to reveal their teeth.

"No thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"Certain."

"All wight den," she said. "We'll leave you with your picture book."

Percy glanced at the cover of his book, which read 'Gaining power in your infant school'. "Sure."

"Okay, boys. You go hide, I'll count to ten and I'll come find you."

Dorge shook his head. "Hundet!"

"Okay, one hundred. Go hide! One..."

Christy heard footsteps running away and Percy sigh. She was up to sixty-seven when she heard the gurgling and felt a sharp pain on her head. She opened her eyes and glanced up from her position on the floor. Ron waved his rattle and stuck his tongue out at her.

"What!" she cried. "What are you doing down here? I put you to bed."

Ron blew a raspberry.

Christy checked the kitchen. The remnants of the tower and the now smashed cookie jar were lying on the floor. One cupboard was completely cleared out. An abandoned wrapper suggested it had previously contained sweets. She walked back into the living room. Ron had abandoned his weapon of choice and had suddenly gained a green lollipop. Christy scratched her head.

"How did they managed all this in sixty-seven seconds?"

"They can do anything when they put their minds to it."

Christy turned to Percy. "I'm certain they've got wonderful angelic personalities deep down."

Percy appeared to consider this. "I think we have a spade outside."

"That's horrid!" she cried.

Ron's lollipop landed in Christy's hair. He giggled.

Christy found the twins on the roof.

"Come on," she called, her arms outstretched. "Come here."

Fed jumped off. "Fying!"

Dorge followed. "Wheee!!! He he he."

Christy gasped. She apparated to the ground and caught them.

"Woo!!" they cried. "'gain! 'gain!"

"No!"

She walked back in to the living room. Ron was pretending his rattle was a broom while making racecar noises. Percy was still reading, apparently unflustered by the evening's events. She sat the twins down on the sofa.

"Right," she said loudly and deliberately. "We are going to do something together, quietly and OBEDIENTLY."

They stared up at her doubtfully.

"How about if we sing a song?"

"I know!" cried Dorge. "I'm a little cauldon sort 'nd stout, dere is my handle, dere's my tripod, when de potion's ready dear me sout, pick me up 'nd pour me out!"

"Oh George, that's wonderful!"

Dorge went on to do a whole jig with Ron clapping along. They stopped when the whirring started. Christy turned, saw Fed with the electric screwdriver and screamed.

***

Molly came back from the boys' bedrooms.

"Aww," she said to Arthur. "Out like a light."

"I know. And the house it spotless! That Christina is a miracle worker."

"We will have to have her again."

They glanced over at the babysitter. She was curled up with her eyes wide open in horror and quivering.

"Once she gets out of Mungos of course."