Big Beard is watching me

"The next person to leave the Big Brother house will be..."

"What wouldn't I notice? Are you going to tell us or what?"

"...Ron."

Draco smiled. "Aah! Finally! We lose a Weasley I don't like."

Ron looked hurt. "You don't like me."

Draco stared at him, shocked. "Dude, are you crying?"

Here stared at Draco, shocked. "Drakey, did you just say 'Dude'?"

George stared at Hermione, shocked. "Hermione, did you just call him Drakey?"

Luna glared at George. "Oh fine! Don't leave anything for me to comment on, why don't you!"

Fred nodded. "I completely agree, Luna." He glared at his twin. "You're so selfish."

George's bottom lip wobbled. "You don't really mean that, do you?"

"Ah no!" Fred hugged George. "I love you, man."

Ron rubbed at his eye. "I just got something in my eye," he sniffed. "That's all. I don't care that of all the people in this house, you don't like me. Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr!!!!"

Ron burst in to a huge fit of tears and ran back in to the boys' bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

"What's up with him?"

Hermione shrugged. "I have no idea."

"Oh well. Let's get back to the business of you calling me Drakey, shall we?"

***

The group gathered at the door to wave goodbye to Ron. Ron, who avoided Draco's eyes, dragged his suitcase behind him and headed towards the door. As he passed Fred he leaned over.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me everything now, will you?"

"No. But I'll give your love to Draco."

Ron hesitated. "All right then."

He walked out the door. Just as he cleared the doorway a small monkey dropped down, hanging from the top of the door by its tail. It picked up Ron and dragged him, screaming, upwards and out of site. Ron's case, which was a violent shade of green, clattered to the ground as he let go of it. There was another scream and the door closed.

No one moved. Everyone was staring at the blank, windowless door with shock and horror.

"What was that?" Hermione asked, timidly.

"That..." said George slowly, blinking furiously as if convinced that everything would suddenly become normal again if he blinked enough. "Was a... Monkey."

There was a sound of a loud crowd all singing 'Hi ho and up she rises'. The Housemates ran into the garden and strained to look over the wall. George threw himself onto the ground and placed his hands, one on top of the other, in as flat a position as he could manage in his panic. Fred stepped on them and put one hand on George's head to balance himself while the other whirled desperately around. Draco and Hermione watched in amazement as one twin lifted the other to achieve almost twice their singular height and a good view over the wall. Luna merely regarded this as if she had been waiting for it to happen for weeks.

"How do you do that?" asked Draco.

"Oh, quite easily," said Fred. "We used to do it all the time when we were kids."

"Great way to get the cookie jar off the top shelf," said George in a strained voice.

"Are there any cookies up there?" asked Luna, vaguely.

"Of course not!" said Fred. "Why on earth would there be cookies on top of a-"

He froze. He leaned forward slightly and picked something up and dropped it down to Luna. Luna caught the large chocolate chip cookie easily and wandered back in to the sitting room munching it.

"What's happening out there?" Hermione prompted.

"Oh. Well there's lots of glowing lights..."

"Well that's normal. It is eviction night."

"No, I think they're fires. There are tons of people with funny hats with feathers in them. The feathers are in the hats, not the people. But there is someone with a sword through them if that helps. They're the one's singing 'Hi ho and up she rises'. Ooh! I see Ron. He's on top of the crowd being carried away. It's all right, he looks happy."

The others breathed a sigh of relief.

"No wait. Yep. He's screaming. He's been tied up." He leaned down to face Draco and Hermione. "But on the bright side, so has Rita Skeeter. I can see her. She's got an apple in her mouth."

He jumped off George who tried to rub some life back into his hands.

"What do you think happened?" Hermione asked as the four of them walked back into the sitting room.

"Methinks the creator has been watching too many pirate movies," Luna put in.

"What creator?"

"Well producer more like. The person who decides what challenges we face. The person who chose to send me in half way through. The person who decided to run this magic kid version of the show in the first place! The creator."

George fell to his knees. "Oh mighty creator! We bow to your will!"

The others blinked at him.

"So I suppose this creator is the same one who shot Kennedy," sneered Draco.

"No, he shot himself."

"How does that work out?"

"Haven't you ever seen Red dwarf? He came back in time from a place where he wasn't shot but was blackmailed into practically giving the USA over to the USSR so he could shoot himself and save the world. Then, of course, he faded away because he didn't exist anymore and he unfortunately forgot to mention whether there were any decent curry places in Dallas."

Even George blinked at her this time.

"Okay," said Draco. "Well at least now that Ron's down we don't need to spin out the whole Fred and I story."

"Actually," said Hermione pointedly. "I would like to know about that, thank you very much."

"I don't," Luna volunteered.

"Me neither," said Fred.

"It involves you!"

"Exactly. So I know the full story and how immensely boring it is. So let's just move on, chill, relax, etc."

"No! You've got to tell me! I need to know. If you don't tell me I might well explode. I will, you know."

"Gees," said Draco. "Are you actually turning into Ron.?"

"No, of course not."

"All right then. So it doesn't bother you about Fred and I having hot, steamy sex every night under the warm, sweaty blankets of my bed."

"Ew," said Hermione. "Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew- Oh my God, I am turning into Ron."

George patted her on the shoulder. "There, there," he comforted. He hesitated mid pat. "You do realise that if you actually transfigure into Ron, then this will put a strain on our relationship.

"Yeah, I got that."

Luna suddenly got to her feet. "Where's the sugar?"

"Why do you want to know that?"

"Well I'm up for eviction this week and I figured that the best way to stay in this house is either to have an elicit affair or to go on a sugar high."

Draco looked horrified. "Have you been reading my print-outs?"

"Well you do just leave them around."

"Has everyone been reading my print-outs?"

He glanced around. No one met his eye.

"Oh, thanks. Is there no such thing as privacy in this house?"

"Ron didn't read them," George volunteered. "He thought it was a love letter for Fred. And it's a shame he didn't read them because page three was."

"Yeah," said Fred. "What was with that?"

"Well I thought that if everybody thought we were sleeping with each other we might as well make it convincing."

"Oh. That's all right then."

"Sounds fine to me."

Draco blushed. "Did you read it all?" he asked timidly.

Fred blushed. "Yes."

"What about the third paragraph?"

"In detail. It was very sweet. I liked it."

"I'm glad."

***

Hermione was sitting on the sofa reading the weekly task card. Luna came out of the bathroom drying her hair with a pink 'Puppy in my Pocket' towel that was attached to a bracelet on her wrist by a lime green ribbon.

"We searching for buried treasure?" she asked.

"No," said Hermione, "We have to teach 'Sky' three new tricks by the end of the week. I'm guessing Sky is a dog."

"Great," said Luna, heading towards the Girls' bedroom. "I'll get my spade."

"I said it wasn't a search for buried treasure."

"I know."

Luna disappeared into her bedroom. Draco came out of his.

"Luna out of the bathroom yet?"

"Yes, she just got out."

"Finally. Honestly, how long does it take her every morning? She said she'd be out in a minute half an hour ago."

"A minute depends on which side of the door to the bathroom you're on!" called Luna's voice from her bedroom.

"Whatever," said Draco

"We're getting a dog," Hermione told him.

"What? Is your mother coming to stay? Buh-dum-chush!"

He laughed at his own joke and disappeared in to the bathroom. Hermione was still musing over the possible meanings of 'Buh-dum-chush' when Fred and George came out of their room.

"Do you have any idea what on earth that was about?" Hermione asked them.

"I do," said George. "I read it on his latest print out. The 'people' think he should be funnier."

"Since when has 'buh-dum-chush' been funny?"

The twins shrugged. Luna came out of her room carrying her spade.

"Right. I'm ready. Where's Sky?"

" Up?" Fred suggested nastily, causing his brother to snigger.

Luna looked up at the ceiling. "She's been here all of five minutes and you've already let her get on the roof?"

She sighed and headed outside. Some huge thuds told the other housemates that she was climbing around on the roof.

"Big Brother house will you please come and collect Sky from the diary room for this week's challenge."

Hermione got to her feet and headed towards the diary room. Fred turned to George.

"What do you feed a dog?"

"I don't know, Mum never let us have one."

"I wonder why that was."

At this point three things were emitted from the Diary room. The first was a high-pitched scream. The second was Hermione, stumbling backwards as fast as she could go. The third was a long flame. The twins ran over to Hermione and helped her up. The three of them stared at Sky in shock and amazement. Sky waddled out of the diary room and blew some friendly flames at the three. She looked very pleased to see them. They were not very pleased to see her.

"I thought you said we were getting a dog!"

"I thought we were! The card said we had to teach Sky three new tricks. Wouldn't you assume that was a dog they were talking about?"

As Sky got closer, the two Weasleys and Granger backed away, knocking over all the furniture as they went.

"For Merlin's sake, Hermione, think about it! There are five witches and wizards in a house, and you thought they were going to give us something mildly normal like a Springer spaniel!"

"Well actually I thought it was going to be something more like a highland terrier. After all Sky is a very common name for female terriers-"

Hermione was cut off as Sky sent out another waft of flame and the three had to cover their faces with their arms and protect their eyebrows.

"Well I never thought they'd send out a Dragon! Who in their right mind calls a baby Dragon 'Sky'?"

Sky bounced up and down in excitement on hearing her name. She rushed forward eagerly. Hermione, Fred and George screamed and dived away. Sky followed them, occasionally sending out flame in her excitement. This was the most fun she'd had in days. She liked these new people. Sky cornered the three in the corridor between the bathroom and the Diary room. Hermione, George and Fred were backed up against the wall, cornered, as the tiny dragon advanced. Something fell out of Fred's pocket. It was a wet start firework. Sky stared at it hungrily, captivated. When Fred picked it up, her eyes followed its progress.

"Quick!" said Hermione. "Chuck it in a bedroom and shut the door. Trap her inside."

"The bedrooms are round the corner. How am I supposed to get it inside?"

The three looked around wildly for a place to throw the firework. A door caught George's attention.

"How about the bathroom?"

Fred kicked open the door to the bathroom and threw the firework inside. Sky bounced after it and Fred shut the door behind her.

Hermione frowned. "Why does this scene seem familiar?"

There was a loud, girlish scream.

"Draco!"

They pulled open the door and a screaming and very naked Draco ran out into the garden.

"Hey Draco," came Luna's voice from the garden. "Nice willy."

***

Hermione was staring at Sky chewing on a piece of coal with her head in her hand.

"How are we supposed to teach her three tricks?"

"She lies down if you press a firework to the ground," said Fred.

"That's one."

"She'll jump for a piece of coal."

"On command?"

"Well... sometimes."

"That'll have to do. But we still need a third."

Luna walked into room with a pair of tiny black shoes, which she then set upon fitting them to Sky's two back feet.

"What are those?"

"Tap shoes."

"Why are they on her back feet."

Luna giggled at the silliness of Hermione's question. "Because they'd look silly on her front feet, duh."

At that moment, music started playing through the house. Luna, who was also wearing black tap shoes, jumped to her feet and clapped. Sky got onto her own back feet and the two of them went on to do an entire dance routine while Fred and Hermione stared on. Hermione's mouth dropped open when Sky and Luna did a cartwheel followed by two flips and the splits. They both jumped, landed on their feet and posed. Sky let out a breath of fire in her excitement. Fred clapped.

"Bravo! Encore."

Hermione couldn't believe it. "But it's a dragon. And it tap danced..."

"I know, it was really good, wasn't it?"

At that moment a still rather bare Draco dropped down from his hiding place amongst the light fixtures.

"Ah!" said Luna. "So that's where you were hiding."

"Sky's not going to hurt you, you know."

"Well I don't trust her as far as I could throw this house without the use of my arms or wand. Er... Could you hand me something to cover my... myself, please. I don't like the way Fred's looking at me..."

***

"Congratulations Big Brother house. You have successfully completed this week's task."

***

It was eviction night and Draco, Fred and Luna were sitting on the sofa waiting for Rita Skeeter to call. Hermione and George had vanished off somewhere some time earlier in the day.

"But how do we know she'll call?" asked Draco. "You did see her get carried off last week."

"Maybe she won't," said Luna. "It's obviously a conspiracy."

"Of mass proportions?"

"Duh. Do you know of any other type of conspiracy? Just like this insane idea that Quodpot was invented when a Quaffle accidentally went off. It wasn't a Quaffle - it was a bomb, which Peasegood was going to send through time, but not space, to kill Abraham Lincoln. But it didn't work because he had to pretend it was a Quaffle to get it through customs. That's why Peasegood sent an assassin to shoot him instead."

The others stared.

"Big Brother housemates, this is Rita."