Big Beard is watching me

"The next person to leave the Big Brother house will be..."

Everyone looked at Hermione who looked appalled that everyone would instantly assume she was next, despite the fact that the trend had been going that way.

"...Harry."

There was a gasp.

"But he's the main character!" Hermione cried, "They can't get rid of him."

"He hasn't had a good storyline since the first week," Draco reminded her, "He's silly, but boring."

"I thought they'd never get rid of him," said Ron, in shock. "He was so much fun with the strange things he did in his sleep and the way he kept getting high on sugar."

"Poor Harry," said George, "Harry?"

The Housemates looked up and realised they had been talking about a person who wasn't even in the room.

"Harry?" they called, "Harry!"

They searched everywhere for him. Fred eventually found him in the cupboard under the sink, trying to fill his suitcase with sugar. Fred raised his eyebrows disapprovingly.

"What?" asked Harry, innocently.

"There's a white layer of sugar all round your mouth," Fred told him.

Harry quickly licked it away. "Not anymore."

Harry started to giggle manically and collapsed on the floor. Hermione came over and shook her head disapprovingly.

"What?" asked Fred.

"Did you have to do that?"

"What? I didn't do anything. He's gone into a sugar induced coma."

"And the fact you're holding a saucepan in your hand is just, I don't know - coincidental?"

Fred glanced at his chosen weapon guiltily. "Um... yeah. Well he was being really annoying! He wouldn't stop giggling."

"You didn't give him a chance!"

"You know." Fred sauntered up to Hermione and gave her a winning smile. "I can see what my brother sees in you."

Hermione rolled her eyes and walked away. "Leave it, gay boy."

***

Harry was sobered up and pushed out the door.

"Bye Harry!"

"So long!"

"Sayonara!"

"Good riddance!"

"Don't come back!"

The door shut and the five remaining housemates returned to the seating area. Draco vanished into the store cupboard and returned with a bottle of wine and five glasses. They were just beginning to celebrate when they heard something that made them glance up. There was a high-pitched laugh; a long, drawn-out scream and a flash of green light filled the windows. The housemates looked around at each other, uncertain of what to do.

"Oh," said Draco.

Fred merely raised his eyebrows and leaned forward to pick up a now full glass of wine. "Well that was unexpected."

***

It was early morning - One O'clock PM - when Ron wandered out of his bedroom. He was the first to wake up. On the table he discovered a card addressed to the group.

Dear Big Brother Housemates

This week's task has been delayed this week due to the arrival of a new contestant this afternoon. Housemates are instructed to be up and ready by three o'clock to meet and greet your new Housemate.

Big Brother.

"Hey guys! Get up. Everyone's got to get up."

Draco came out of his bedroom and yawned. "What?"

"There's a newbie arriving at three so everybody's got to be up and ready. Where are Hermione and George?"

"Summer House."

"Honestly, those two have been at it like rabbits since Harry left- Where's Fred?"

Draco frowned. It was far too early to be asked these sorts of questions. How should he reply? 'Get lost you prat' sounded appealing. He settled on yawning again and rubbing at his eye.

"Get off my eye!" cried Ron, pushing Draco away.

"Sorry. What did you want again?"

"I want to know where Fred is. You're bound to know."

"I don't, I'm sorry."

"Hey Ron, Hey Draco."

"Come on, you have to know where Fred is, you sicko."

Fred frowned. "I'm right behind you, Ron."

"You've been sleeping with him, haven't you!" Ron cried hysterically.

"'Course he hasn't," said Fred, "I just followed you out of our room."

"Haven't you!"

Fred waved his hand in front of Ron's face. His younger brother ignored him. Fred leaned round Ron to look at Draco.

"You can see me, right?"

"Yeah," Draco replied.

"Aha!" cried Ron, "I knew it."

"Hey guys," Hermione and George walked in from the garden. "We heard shouting. What's happened?"

"Draco and Fred have been sleeping together," Ron told them.

Hermione nodded at George. "See, I told you."

The other three stared.

"What?" inquired Ron

"What?!" exclaimed Draco and Fred.

"Well, we heard some noise coming from Draco's room when we came back in," Hermione told them. "And I thought it sounded just like people having sex and George said it sounded more like two people jumping up and down on someone's bed."

Fred stared at Draco angrily. Draco looked sheepish.

"What were you two doing back in the house anyway?" he asked. "I thought you spent the entire night in the summer house."

"We did," said Hermione. "We just snuck back in for something."

"What?"

"Oh nothing."

"No really, what?"

"Nothing that's any of your business."

"Come on, I'm interested now. What?"

"Nothing!"

"Oh, go on-"

"Ice cream, okay?! We came back in for some ice cream! And whipped cream. And nuts. AND A BANNANA!!!"

Fred, Draco and Ron stared with their mouths open. Hermione glared round defiantly. George laid his hand gently on Hermione's shoulder and led her to one side.

"We got hungry," he explained slowly and clearly. "And made ourselves a sundae."

The other three nodded while simultaneously thinking of the different ways the couple could have used their ingredients. They were particularly inventive when it came to the banana...

***

"Big Brother house, meet your new Housemate. Luna."

Everyone looked up from where they were sitting. Luna Lovegood, wearing a T-shirt bearing what appeared to be a green duck tap-dancing on top of a dustbin, walked into the Big Brother house pulling her suitcase behind her. She looked around expectantly and seemed quite impressed by the state the house had remained in throughout the five weeks the young witches and wizards had been living there. There was a lot to be impressed about; it was incredible to think that out of ten teenagers, not one could be bothered to clean up. The mess the house was now in could only have been imagined by obsessive cleaners in their worst nightmares.

"Nice place," Luna declared.

"Luna!" The housemates cried.

"Oh wait," Luna dropped her case. "I saw this bit. I need to get it exactly right. Hermione!"

"Er... Luna!"

"Fred!"

"Luna!"

"Ron!"

"Luna!"

"Draco!"

"Luna!"

"George!"

"Duna!"

"Perfect."

"Loopy Luna," said Draco. "Why do we get Loopy Luna?"

"Because I've suddenly become a very popular person," said Luna. "And if the creators had known about me when they made the show they would have put me in then. But I was unknown back then, just a meaningless Ravenclaw. Now everyone's writing about me so I ended up here."

"Why would everyone write about you?" sneered Draco. "You're not exactly important."

"No, but I'm nice. And a good friend of Ginny's so you can just shut up if you ever want to see her again."

Draco went quiet. Luna looked around at the tip around her.

"This needs a personal touch," she decided.

She opened her case, picked out a pile of clothes and threw them around the room.

"Ah! Now which one's my room?"

***

Luna sat in the front room drinking a glass of orange juice. Hermione came out of the girl's room, yawning, and sat down next to her.

"Luna, it's eight o'clock, Wednesday morning. What on earth are you doing up at this ridiculous time?"

"Sorry," said Luna. "Force of habit. I usually help my dad out every day during the holidays so I have to get up in time to go to the office with him. Otherwise he'll throw a bucket of ice cold water over me."

"I can tell where you get you're... you from."

"I was just reading this." She showed Hermione the card she was reading. "It's our task for the week. We have to build a fire in the back garden and from then on at least two people have to be watching it at any time. We have to keep it fuelled by chopping up our own wood manually and if it goes out at any time we fail. So if it rains we have to keep it covered and everything and still stay out there to guard it."

"Ouch."

"I know."

Hermione got to her feet. "I better go wake the boys."

***

Hermione, Luna and George sat outside in the sun.

"Why do there have to be three of us?" George asked, glaring at Luna and giving Hermione and Puppy dog look.

"Just in case one of us needs to go inside," Hermione explained, laughing at the silliness of the look George was giving her. "If one person needed to go to the loo then this way there are still two people left guarding."

"What if two people have to go to the loo?" Luna asked.

"One waits."

"Do you need to go to the loo, Luna?" asked George, innocently.

"Give it a rest, you two," said Luna.

"Don't blame me," Hermione put in. "It's him that's gagging for it."

"I am not gagging for it!"

"You are too! 'Do you need to go to the loo, Luna?' puh-lease."

"That doesn't count as gagging."

"Does too."

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Does not."

"Guys, guys, guys. Please. Could we be sensible?"

"No."

"Fine."

There was silence.

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Why are you arguing?"

"Because I'm bored," said George.

"Because you're gagging for it."

"Being bored is not the same as gagging for it."

"Fine then," said Luna. "Chop up some wood if you're that bored."

"I have."

They all shielded their eyes from the sun as they looked up at the mountain of wood George had chopped up, ready.

"Fine then. I'll entertain."

George covered his face with his hands. "Oh no."

"A long long time ago."

"Not American pie! Anything but American pie!

"In a galaxy far away."

"What?"

"Eh?"

"Naboo was under an attack."

"That's not how it goes."

"No it isn't," Luna snapped. "And if you don't stop interrupting you won't find out how the rest of it goes so shut up."

They shut up.

"And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn,

Could talk the Federation in,

To maybe cutting them a little slack.

But their response, it didn't thrill us,

They locked the doors and tried to kill us.

We escaped from that gas,

And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.

We took a Bongo from the scene,

And we went to Theed to see the Queen.

We all wound up on Tatooine,

That's where we found this boy.

Oh my, my

This here Anakin guy.

May be Vader,

Some day later,

Now he's just a small fry.

He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye,

Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,

Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'

Did you know this junkyard slave

Isn't even old enough to shave?

But he can use the force, they say.

Oh, do you see him hittin' on the Queen?

Though he's just nine and she's fourteen.

Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her, some day.

Well, I know he built C-3PO,

And I heard how fast his pod can go.

And we were broke, it's true,

So we made a wager or two.

Well, he was a pre-pubescent flyin' ace.

And the minute Jabba started off that race,

Well, I knew who'd win first place,

Oh yes, it was our boy!

We started singing:

Oh my, my

This here Anakin guy.

May be Vader,

Some day later,

Now he's just a small fry.

He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,

Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,

Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'

Well, we finally got to Coruscant,

The Jedi council, we knew would want

To see how good the boy could be.

So we took him there and we told the tale,

How his midichlorions were off the scale,

and he might fulfil that prophecy.

Oh, the council was impressed, of course,

Could he bring balance to the force?

They interviewed the kid,

Oh, training they forbid!

Because, Yoda sensed in him much fear

And Qui-Gon said, 'now listen here!

Just stick in your pointy ear,

I still, will teach this boy!'

He was singing:

Oh my, my

This here Anakin guy.

May be Vader,

Some day later,

Now he's just a small fry.

He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,

Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,

Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'

We caught a ride back to Naboo,

'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to,

I frankly would've liked to stay.

We all fought in that epic war,

And it wasn't long at all before,

Little hot-shot flew his plane and saved the day.

And in the end some Gungans died.

Some ships blew up

And some pilots fried.

A lot of folks were croakin',

The battle droids were broken!

And the Jedi I admire most,

Met up with Darth Maul, and now he's toast

I'm still here, and he's a ghost

I guess, I'll train the boy.

And I was singing:

Oh my, my

This here Anakin guy.

May be Vader,

Some day later,

Now he's just a small fry.

He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,

Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,

Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi!'

We were singing:

Oh my, my

This here Anakin guy.

May be Vader,

Some day later,

Now he's just a small fry.

He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye,

Saying

'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."

***

Ron, Fred and Draco sat outside in the pitch black watching the fire.

"How come we get stuck with him?" Draco asked, indicating Ron with a flick of his head.

"Because I don't trust you two to be out here without me," Ron replied.

"Ron, you're an arse. Shut up and leave us alone."

"I can't believe you two had sex in the room next to me!"

"We didn't," Fred protested. "At least," He glared at Draco. "I didn't."

Ron looked confused. "But how could he have- ew!"

"Oh no, not that again."

"Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew."

"Look," said Draco. "Nothing in the least bit sexual happened that night. To me or to Fred. Unless he was doing something I don't exactly want to hear about of course, but we'll leave that. This thing is already getting far too rude for the time slot it's shown in."

"It's shown at ten at night."

"Is it? Great! F-"

"They'll still beep that out."

"Then what's the problem with saying it?"

"Just... don't."

***

"Congratulations Big Brother house. You have successfully completely this week's task."

***

Luna, Hermione, George, Fred and Draco were sitting in the main room on eviction night. Hermione and George were sharing an ice cream sundae and were giggling a lot. Hermione already had cream on her nose and George's neck was covered in chocolate sauce. Luna and Fred were playing hangman in a corner trying to ignore the sounds of "Mmm", the giggling and the murmurs coming from their housemates. Draco, on the other hand, was watching them very carefully and taking notes.

"I heard it again last night." Ron stormed out of his room. "Noises. A bed creaking. Last night. It was coming from Draco's room. And I am very interested to know what you two think you were doing."

"I wasn't doing anything with Draco," Fred protested. "Honestly, one kiss and you're already planning the songs for the wedding."

Luna glanced up at Ron. "Are you?"

Ron looked at his feet. "The Way You Make Me Feel, Whole Again and Finally Found," he mumbled.

Luna nodded approvingly. "Nice choice."

"Nothing beyond a kiss has ever happened between Fred and I," Draco stated.

"Then what about the noises I heard?" asked Hermione.

"And me," Ron added.

"Hold on here," said Hermione. "It seems to me that something is going on in this house that not everyone knows about. I would like to ask the two people who definitely know what's going on to step forward and tell everyone. Draco?"

Draco looked alarmed. He glanced around the room for help but found only people staring back at him, demanding an answer. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably and appeared to be incredibly interested by a bubblegum mark on the floor.

"I'm not gay."

"WHAT?!" Ron shouted. "How can you not be gay? That's impossible! How could you let me believe you were when you weren't? You've betrayed my trust and you've lied to me and now I'm hurt." His voice cracked with emotion. "I'm honestly hurt."

"I'm sorry, Ron. But I'm just not gay. I can't live a lie."

"I'm gay," Fred volunteered.

"You are?" said Luna.

"He is," said George, nodding.

"It's a twin thing," said Fred. "One is always gay."

"Yeah, I knew that," said Luna. "I always thought it would be George."

"Hey!"

"What about Parvati and Padma Patil?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione," said Fred. "I can't believe you slept in the same room with the girl for a week without realising she was as gay as the day was long."

"Well I was a bit suspicious when she tried to give me that massage..."

"What sort of massage?"

"I'd rather not say."

"But hang on," Ron interrupted. "This doesn't explain anything. In fact it makes the whole thing even more of a mystery than before. At least before there was an explanation for everything. Now it just doesn't make sense."

"That was why Draco let you think he was gay," said Fred, glaring at Draco. "So that everything would have an explanation and you'd be too busy freaked out by the situation to realise that the truth was something else entirely. Then Drakie here got a little too active if you know what I mean. I had no problem pretending to be attracted to you, Drake, but I would never do the sort of things you were up to. Honestly, I wouldn't."

"Look," Draco protested. "It wasn't what you think. It was... not."

"I still wouldn't."

"Whatever."

"Then what's been going on?" asked Hermione. "What was really happening with the noises I heard?"

"And I heard. And if you're not attracted to him, Fred, why did you kiss him."

"Because we knew that you'd be so freaked out by that that you would leave instantly and not notice."

"Not notice what?"

"Big Brother House, this is Rita."

A/N: Now it's up to you! There will be a link on the review thread to a thread where you can vote off the person you don't want to continue in the house. Whoever gets the highest amounts of votes is gone.

Luna will not be up to vote this time as I am following a practice common in the real Big Brother where the new person gets a week off to allow him/her to blend in otherwise they'd just get instantly voted out.