Big Beard is watching me

"The next person to leave the Big Brother house will be..."

"You know what," said Luna. "I think we should have a little discussion first."

"Do you mind?" said Hermione, walking in with George. "We're trying to listen to Rita Skeeter here." Hermione did a double take and looked around at the others, thoroughly astonished. "Wow. I never thought I'd ever say that..."

"It doesn't matter," said Luna, climbing onto a chair and examining the ceiling. "She's not going to say anything for a little while; the whole 'dramatic pause' thing. HI-YAH!!!"

The other's jumped as Luna punched the ceiling. Some plaster fell, quickly followed by what looked like a huge speaker, which promptly landed on Fred's leg. Fred, however, was far too shocked by Luna's actions to take any notice of his grave injury.

"What do you think you're doing!" cried Hermione, horrified.

"Like I said," said Luna. "I think we should have a short conversation first. I've been here two weeks and we've never just sat down and chatted. I think we should talk about our-"

"Oh no," said Draco. "Don't say the word. I know what you are going to say and I don't want you to. None of us do. Please. Just don't. It is the most dreaded word to all male kind."

"-feelings."

Draco, Fred and George screamed in pain and aggravation. Then only Fred and Draco did. George caught sight of the look in Hermione's eye and quietened down.

"What are you screaming for?" Draco asked Fred. "You're gay."

"I just wanted to be part of the crowd..."

"Why? If you wanted to do that, why are you gay?"

"Luna!" cried Hermione. "You just can't do that! You can't disconnect the speakers. Then we can't hear what they're saying and if we can't hear it then they won't say it."

"So? I don't see a problem here."

"Rita Skeeter was just about to announce who was going to be evicted this week. We need to know. The public need to know. The voters need to know. This 'grand creator' you've gone on about needs to know so she or he can plan for what happens this week."

"But what if you were the one to be evicted? Would you like to know? Wouldn't you rather wait in ignorant bliss?"

"No!"

"Ah, but what if you knew you were going; wouldn't you rather not know? Wouldn't you rather stay here, in this place rather than leave? If you had the choice between knowing, and being chucked out, and not knowing, and staying, which would you choose?"

"Well... I... I... I don't know."

"Because, you know, I've read the printouts-"

"You've been reading my print-outs again! How did you find them? I thought I hid them really well..."

"Please. Under the carpet is not really well."

Luna ignored them. "-And you're not doing too well in the polls. You really could be the next one to go. How does this make you feel?"

"I suppose," said Hermione, ignoring the boys' shrieks, "I never really thought about it before. I never really considered seriously that I could be the next one chucked out. I guess I feel-" Howls "-upset. It's kind of hit home now. I feel-" Squawks. "-worried. And I'm kinda glad that you pulled the speakers down."

George scratched his head. "How come there were speakers when this is a magical building?"

Luna turned to Fred. "How about you, Fred. How do you feel?"

Fred was completely taken aback. "Well I- I- I-," he stammered. "I don't really feel-" Squeals. "-anything really..."

"Oh, come now Fred. You must feel-" Cries. "-something."

"You know what, I don't feel-" Yowls. "-nervous. I never came in here to win. I came here to have a great experience and I have - even if I spent half the time pretending to be in love with Draco. I had fun. I spent some great weeks with my friends and I feel refreshed and ready to go out into the world. Yes, I'd be sad if I left tonight but I wouldn't really mind. Not really."

Luna smiled. "Wow. How about you Draco?"

"Oh no, I'm not saying anything."

"Come on, Draco," said George. "Everyone else has."

"You haven't. Let's hear what you have to say."

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"Oh you will."

"Hold on, I didn't-"

"Go on then, George. How do you feel-" Yells. "-about this eviction tonight."

"A bit nervous I guess. I'm worried that I haven't been interesting enough. Because, you know, I try and join in all the insanity and sometimes I get a good line in or two, but it's hard. I may be trying too hard. Fred always supersedes me. It always annoys me that he does that. Just because he's ever so slightly older than me doesn't mean he can push me around. You know what, Fred! Sometimes I just hate you! Honest! But I just can't say it. I want to but I can't. You drive me up the wall and you steal my girlfriends and you step on my toes and you completely take over and I hate you for it! But I just can't say so! You know why? Because I love you, man. I love you way too much and you're my brother and I don't want to hurt you no matter how much you hurt me."

George gulped. Fred sniffed.

"I love you too, George. I'm so sorry I hurt you but I love you too. And I'm sorry I don't say it enough."

The twins burst into tears, threw their arms around each other and hugged.

"Aah!" said Luna. "A connection has been made."

"What do you mean 'A connection has been made'?" asked Draco, looking at the two weeping brother's with disgust. "They're identical twins. They shared a womb. That's about as connected as you can get."

"All right," said Luna. "Your turn. Dish it, Malfoy."

"All right then. I want to win. I'm in it for the money. I don't want to leave."

"But don't you want to see Ginny again?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah."

"And she's outside."

"Yeah..." said Draco slowly. "Outside... Sure...."

"But what if you were evicted. How would you feel-" Caterwauls.

The group froze and looked around at each other.

"Caterwauls?"

"What on earth is a Caterwaul?"

"I don't know..."

"Then how on earth did we just manage to do it?"

They looked around, bewildered.

"I think I should put the speakers back on," said Luna slowly.

She knelt down by the speaker and started moving wires around. Draco pushed her out of the way and examined the electronics. Fred and George kicked him and started ripping out wires randomly in the hope of making any sort of difference to the situation, good or bad. Hermione knelt down by them and started trying to boss them around, declaring the true course of actions. Each instruction was, of course, promptly ignored. It was only by luck that Hermione glanced over her shoulder and it was a good thing that she did. She was able to pull the twins out of the way to safety in time to avoid Luna in her run up to kick the speakers.

"Big Brother House, can you hear me?"

"How come kicking something always makes it work?" Hermione asked. "It defies all logical reason."

"It's just a matter of showing the speaker whose boss," said George.

"Yes," said Draco, "we can hear you Rita. I might as well say it if no one else is going to."

Fred looked down and for the first time noticed his broken leg. "Ow."

"Oh," said Hermione. "I'm sorry. Did I hurt you when I pulled you out of the way?"

"Nah," said Fred. "I think it was when the speaker landed on it. Would someone please remove it?"

They did so.

"The next person to leave the Big Brother house will be... Hermione." The Housemates 'aahed' in sympathy. "Finally, I get it out." They stopped in their commiserations to look at the speaker -again. "Honestly, that insane Lovegood girl should be brutally murdered for that. Disturbing the electronics while I'm in the middle of my big speech. Interrupting me. Me! Wait - is this thing still on? Oh sh-"

The speakers went dead.

***

The remaining Housemates and Hermione stood at the door wishing Hermione farewell.

"Bye, Hermione," said Luna. "It was nice getting to know you."

"Yeah," said Draco. "Toodles."

Fred hobbled over and gave her a hug. "Bye, Herm. Say hi to Ron for me when you get outside. And Harry if he's sitting still at the time."

"I will."

"If you see Monkeys," Luna reminded her. "Just run away."

"I'll remember that."

George kissed Hermione passionately. "Bye."

Hermione giggled. "See yer later."

And she left.

***

Later that night in the diary room.

"You know what," said Luna. "I'm glad I destroyed that speaker. I fixed it afterwards and it was certainly worth it. It went BOOM and everything! Well good. It works fine now so I don't really see a problem. And no. I will not pay for it. You can take that bill and shove it up your-"

"I'm really glad we had that talk this evening," George told Big Brother once Luna had been dragged, kicking and screaming abuse, from the diary room. "I finally got to let off some stuff I'd been holding back for most of my life. Trouble is, now the viewers think I'm too serious and will vote me out again because I'm being boring. Though I don't see anything wrong with bonding with my brother. Oh well. I'd better burst in to tears again."

George burst in to tears and ran from the diary room. Fred hobbled in.

"You know, my leg really hurts and no one has done anything about it. It could be smooshed you know, and you guys wouldn't care. I could be suffering from major internal bleeding and you wouldn't care. And if I died you wouldn't give a flying Weasel because that's what makes good television. You make me sick, you know. Once I'm dead I'm going to come back and haunt you. In fact I might just go kill myself right now so I cam have the pleasure of doing so now."

There was banging on the door. "Come on!" came Draco's voice. "Some other people need to confess you know."

"I'm trying to kill myself!" Fred replied.

"How are you going to do that then?"

"Hang myself."

"How?"

"By tying something round my neck and attaching the other end to the ceiling, you dope."

"How are you going to do that when you can barely stand up?"

"Ah." Fred turned back to the blank black screen that represented Big Brother. "Okay so maybe I won't kill myself. I've got too much to live for. Plus," he said, raising his eyebrows. "I'm actually starting to reconsider this whole gay business..."

***

George was wandering around the sitting room with his arms raised dramatically. "Oh, woe is me," he declared. "I am lonely. I am alone. I am lost without my love."

"What are you doing?" Draco asked.

"Hermione's watching."

"Oh."

Luna snatched the piece of paper from Draco's hand. "Is this our new task?"

"No," said Draco, snatching it back. "It's the new print outs."

"Ooh," said Luna, snatching it away again. "What does it say?"

Draco made a dive for it, but Luna stepped neatly out the way. Draco made a rush at her, but she held his head away with her hand. She ducked, still reading, as he struck out at her, and spun out of the way as he rushed past. Draco climbed onto the sofa and jumped at her. This time, he was stopped by Fred.

"Stop it, you."

"Fred!" cried Luna.

Fred took a step back from her enthusiasm to see him. "Er... Hi Luna." He waved a card vaguely. "I got our task."

"Oh, woe is me," said George. "I am devastated. I am fearful for what I might do in my misery."

"What insane task has been allocated to us this time?" Draco asked.

"We have to eat our hats."

"Is that all?" asked Luna. "Sounds good. Where's the salt?"

"Are you really going to eat your hat?" asked Draco.

"I don't see why not. Oh blast! I just remembered. I don't have a hat. I ate it a couple of weeks ago with this gorgeous carrot and tomato sauce."

In the silence that followed only George could be heard declaring his woes.

"Er..." said Fred. "We don't really have to eat actual hats. More like ginormous hat shaped cakes."

"Great. I think I could do that."

"Four ginormous hat shaped cakes. One each."

"Oh, woe is me. I cannot see. My Cataracts are blinding me."

"Oh. But still, it's cake. How hard can it be?"

***

Draco stared. "Wow!"

"That's huge!" cooed George.

"I can't eat that!" cried Fred. "I'm injured."

"Now that's-a-big-a-hat-cake," said Luna.

"That's four-a-big-a-hat-cakes," Fred added. "Four-a-big-a-chocolate-a-hat-cakes."

"We need spoons," Draco stated.

Luna produced them from her hand. There was an odd silence as everyone looked around at each other.

"Were you guys waiting for someone to say 'as if by magic' too?" George asked.

The other three nodded.

"Well Ron, Harry, Ginny and Hermione are gone," Fred suggested. "Everyone who's left wouldn't say it. Because it's a stupid thing to say."

"As if by magic," said a ghostly voice.

The housemates looked around.

"What was that?" asked George.

"Oh, who cares," said Draco altogether too quickly. "Let's get stuck in."

***

George burped. Draco burped. Fred burped louder. Luna burped louder still.

"Luna wins."

"Oh come on, Draco," said Fred. "What was that? A pathetic excuse for a bodily function."

"It was a stupid game anyway," Draco complained. "Shouldn't we get on with eating the cakes?"

"We've done two already-"

"And a bit," Luna reminded him.

"Yeah, and a bit. It's nearly Monday-"

"In four hours, fifty-two minutes and seventeen seconds as of... now. Beep!"

"All right, Luna," said George. "I can tell it. We've been eating non stop for..." He glanced at the expectant Luna. "A long while now. And if you want exacts, Luna will be thrilled to tell you and go 'Beep!'. But anyhoo, we need a rest. We haven't got long left now - and again, ask Luna for the beep - so we need to reserve our strength. There's a lot-a-cake left and we'll need strength and resilience to get through it."

Luna and Fred burst in to applause.

"Well done!"

"Bravo!"

"Encore!"

"Great speech!"

"We praise you!"

"Go on my son!"

"Let us have cake!"

***

"Big Brother housemates, I'm afraid you have lost this week's challenge."

***

"I'm hungry," said George.

"Why did they have to take the cake away?" asked Fred.

"Because there's no point not having enough spending money for food if we can just eat the challenge," said Draco

"There would be no point in having the money to spend on food if we were sick from the challenge," Fred pointed out.

"That doesn't take anything away from the fact that I'm hungry," said George indignantly.

Draco groaned and tried to smother George with a cushion. George struck back and both launched into what could only be called a girly fight. Fred sighed and propped his plastered leg back on the table - it having been displaced when Draco had stolen the cushion from under it in order to attempt murder on George.

Luna entered. She was wearing what appeared to be a carrot strapped on to her head with a bright green ribbon. She marched right over to Fred, grabbed his face, and, very simply, snogged him. She broke away with a pleased smile on her face.

"What was that for?" asked Fred, looking slightly shocked but also slightly happy.

"Polls said people with love affairs are less likely to get thrown out," she replied. "And." She slipped in to a very girly voice. "You're pretty."

Fred looked extremely happy.

"Ahh!" said Draco. "Isn't it wonderful. Everyone got together in the end."

"What do you mean?" asked George. "Not everybody got together. You and Ginny broke up for one thing."

"Yes..." said Draco slowly. "'Course. We broke up. I'm just happy Fred's not gay anymore."

"Fred's not gay?!" Ginny ran out of Draco's bedroom only wearing one of his shirts. "Why not? What happened?"

The housemates stared.

"Ah," said George, stunned. "So that explains it."

Ginny laughed nervously and tugged on the bottom of the shirt. "Hi guys."

They stared.

"So," she said to break the tension. "Fred. Not gay, huh?"

"I thought more like Bi-sexual," said Fred. "So, Gin. What are you doing here?"

"Funny story that."

"Big Brother housemates, this is Rita..."