Making No Sense Whatsoever

"Honestly Headmaster, I think it would be much simpler if I were to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. Then you wouldn't have to keep recruiting new ones!" protested Snape as he watched Dumbledore pour through more application forms. Professor Marvin had recently resigned on account of the job being tediously dull. It didn't help that Mrs. Norris kept using him as a scratching post.

"Severus, I wasn't born yesterday ..."

"Obviously," muttered Snape.

"If you take over as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher then I'm short a potion teacher. You may not have heard, but there are fewer people willing to take your job than there are people willing to take the job of wiping Cornelius Fudge's ass!" He resumed searching for a new teacher. He was looking for someone who would be able to keep a class in order. The students were getting complacent because of the fact they hadn't learned anything in a week. Finally he found the perfect applicant. "Aha, I've found the perfect applicant!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

"Excuse me while I do a double cartwheel of joy," mumbled Snape sarcastically as he poured a powerful laxative into Fawkes' food. Dumbledore didn't see him.

"This chap's been down on his luck recently so he won't be up for arguing about wages. He has a personal army at his command. That should keep the little buggers under control. Right, we'll give him try."

"Super," stated Snape as he stormed out the door, leaving Dumbledore to deal with the time bomb of bird excrement that was his pet phoenix.

~|~

The new teacher saw fit to redecorate his classroom somewhat. When the sixth year class entered the room they found that the walls had been lined with beeping and flashing control panels and other electronic equipment. Hermione was about to point out the massive consistency error by reminding everyone that electricity didn't work in Hogwarts when dozens of soldiers stormed into the classroom and stood against the walls, surrounding the class. They carried laser guns and were wearing what looked like large black motorcycle helmets. One officer in a colonel's hat and tunic strolled to the front of the class.

"Prepare to meet your new teacher. All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet!" he barked in a tone that lacked any real authority. Nevertheless, the students jumped up when the soldiers activated their lasers. The door at the back of the room opened and a short, cloaked figure entered. He wore all black including an over sized helmet that covered his face. The soldiers appeared terrified as he walked down the centre of the class, breathing heavily and menacingly. When he reached the front, his breathing became even more laboured. As he began to choke he finally lifted the visor of his helmet to reveal a dorky man in glasses.

"I can't breathe in this thing!" he exclaimed. After regaining his composure, he turned to face the colonel. "Sandurz!"

"Yes sir?"

"I don't see the chalk board, where is it?"

"It's right over here sir," said Sandurz, indicating the front of the classroom. "Shall I prepare the chalk sir?"

"Never mind I'll do it myself," said Dark Helmet dismissively. He approached the front of the room to find himself facing a strange looking machine. "What the hell's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call this a chalkboard?"

"No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Would you like some?"

"Yes!" Dark Helmet stated after an awkward pause. "I always have coffee when I teach a class, you know that!"

"Of course I do sir," said Sandurz as he poured some coffee into a polystyrene cup.

"Everyone knows that!" shouted Dark Helmet to the rest of the class.

"Of course we do sir!" barked the soldiers as they dropped their guns and covered their private parts with their hands. Hermione got the feeling that this was a regular occurrence. Sandurz handed the diminutive tyrant his coffee.

"Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to teach the class. Where are they?" Sandurz indicated the class, who had resumed their seats out of boredom. "OK you lot, I am your new teacher, Professor Dark Helmet but you shall refer to me as Lord Helmet."

"Well this is a surprise, another Dark Lord who undoubtedly plans to train us as his new magical army," sighed Harry. Dark Helmet leant towards Sandurz and whispered urgently.

"Sandurz, who is that kid and how did he find out about our plans?"

"That's Harry Potter, sir. He's a general pain in the ass to bad guys."

"Well this is unexpected. I'll call Spaceball city and notify President Skroob immediately." He went to pick up a telephone from one of the consoles when a soldier stepped forward.

"I already called him sir, he knows all about the little brat." Helmet placed the phone down carefully; his face was contorted in shock and fury.

"What? You went over my helmet?" The soldier lost his nerve as Helmet fished a ring out of his pocket.

"Well not exactly over sir ...more to the side ...it'll never happen again, never ever!" It was too late; Helmet had placed the ring on his finger. "Oh shit ...please no, no not that!" screamed the unfortunate soldier. Helmet's visor fell down over his face and his voice became deep and threatening, as opposed to nasally and annoying.

"Yes ...that!" A green laser beam emitted from it and connected painfully with the soldier's balls. The soldier collapsed to the floor, holding his nether region in agony until he was dragged away by two other soldiers. Helmet took off the ring and lifted his visor back up.

"Right, let's get on with the lesson. Hand out the textbooks!"

"Yes sir. Prepare to hand out the textbooks," ordered Sandurz.

"What's with the preparing? You're always preparing, just do it!" The soldiers preceded to hand the textbooks to the class. One soldier tried to throw one to Neville from across the room. It hit him sharply in the head.

"Ow!" cried Neville and quite rightly too.

"Careful you idiot, I said hand them out, not use them as missiles!" shouted Helmet fiercely. The soldier in question stood to attention to explain himself to Lord Helmet. The soldier's eyes were crossed.

"Sorry sir, I'm trying my best."

"Who assigned that guy to this mission?" demanded Helmet. A cross-eyed officer stepped forward.

"I did sir, he's my cousin." Helmet turned back to Colonel Sandurz.

"Isn't that an..."

"Asshole sir? Yes sir, Major Asshole."

"And his cousin?"

"He's an Asshole too sir, Ensign Philip Asshole "

"How many Asshole's we got in this class anyhow?" With a loud cry of 'Yo', the majority of the soldiers raised their hands, as did some Hufflepuff students whose names had been conveniently left out of the books. "I knew it, I'm still surrounded by assholes!" moaned Helmet. He put his visor back down. "Anyway children, I am going to teach you how to use your magical abilities in conjunction with the downside of ...the Schwartz!" He waited for this to have the dramatic effect he had been hoping for. He would have been waiting a long time if Harry hadn't stood up.

"That's it, I've heard enough of this. I'm taking you down know before I get really bored." He drew his wand from his belt and stood in front of Helmet in a classic duelling pose. Ron twitched nervously in his seat. His straight jacket was itchy.

"Shouldn't we help him?" he asked Hermione, who just sat back and relaxed.

"He's done this enough times and seems to survive each time. Just relax and enjoy it." Of course, Ron couldn't relax. He still feared the return of the infamous review button. Still no one believed him and the new potions Madam Pomfrey was giving him weren't helping either. The soldiers made to intercept Harry but Helmet merely motioned them away.

"No, I'll handle this personally." He stood in front of Harry, fingering his Schwartz ring in his hand. Harry stared into the gaunt and lifeless mask while Helmet made faces from under it without Harry knowing. "Before I kill you Harry, there's something you should know about us."

"What?"

"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

"So ...what does that make us?" asked Harry, a little confused.

"Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become!" Helmet slipped the ring on his finger in a flash and started firing green beams at Harry. Harry dodged them by doing a back flip and landing expertly on top of the desk behind him.

"Impressive, Harry Potter. Too bad this isn't the wide world of sports!" Helmet concentrated the beams from his ring into a Schwartz sword and charged forward, swinging it at Harry. From on top of the desk, Harry put his hand out and put it on the oversized helmet, stopping Dark Helmet from advancing further. Helmet swung his Schwartz sword desperately and pathetically at Harry, but Harry's arm kept him back. Harry finally let him go and sent him crashing into the desk. Helmet quickly got up and recomposed himself.

"Well Potter, you certainly are skilled. If there's one thing I despise it is a fair fight, but if I must I must. May the best man win, put her there!" Helmet offered his hand to Harry, who like an idiot went to shake it. In an instant, Helmet had snatched his wand from the distracted Harry. "Ah ha! I have your wand! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What's with you man? You know what, let me give it back to you." Helmet went to give it back but threw it across the room at the last moment. Harry fell to Helmet's feet in a desperate attempt to catch it. "Oh look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it!" Helmet pointed his ring directly at Harry. "So you see Potter, evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

Helmet had gained the advantage through dirty, underhanded tactics. Unbeknownst to Helmet but knownst to us, he was facing the master of dirty tactics. In the blink of an eye, Harry kicked Helmet in the nuts with the full force of both his legs. As he sank to the floor, a long, loud groan came from within Helmet's helmet. Harry's victory was met by cheers from the rest of the class, along with some underwear thrown gratefully in Harry's direction. Ron however, was too terrified to cheer.

"It's back! Harry! Kick it in the nuts, quickly! It doesn't have nuts! Oh make the reviews stop!"