Making No Sense Whatsoever

"Miss Granger, I fail to understand your letter of complaint."

"Well, it would help if you put your glasses on, Headmaster."

"Hmm? Ah yes, of course." Dumbledore found his glasses and read the letter that Hermione had just handed him. She was basically complaining about the recent ridiculous appointments of ridiculous teachers. She went on to moan about something else, something about a severe health risk. He got bored after the first few sentences.

"Miss Granger, I understand your concern ...well actually I don't I'm just saying that but that's not the point. Exactly what do you hope to achieve by this?"

"I do hope to stand out to the point of being seriously considered for Head Girl next year," she replied in a tone that oozed with confidence. Dumbledore chuckled.

"I'm sorry Miss Granger, but the positions of Head Boy and Girl is mostly a popularity contest with the teachers. You don't have a prayer."

"I don't?"

"Oh no, most of the staff think you're an annoying, know-it-all cow. Don't tell anyone though, especially not Hermione Granger." Hermione shook her head in despair. It was obvious that Dumbledore was losing it.

"Can you at least promise that the next teacher won't have plans of world domination?"

"Oh yes, that much I can promise you. Wait a minute, what happened to the one we have now?"

"Harry defeated him in a duel to the death. It ended when Harry kicked him in the nuts and Dark Helmet called a retreat." Through Dumbledore's angry mutters, Hermione was able to discern that a new teacher would arrive in time for their next lesson, it was a woman and that Dumbledore had half a mind to put Harry's scrotum in a vice. As Hermione left the office, she was most surprised by Dumbledore having half a mind at all.

~|~

"Finally, we'll actually be learning something now that we've got a woman Professor," said Hermione as she sighed from relief. She was hoping that this meant that things would be taking a sharp turn back to reality. Fat chance.

"Who says that this new teacher won't be a psycho just because she's a woman? Aren't we forgetting Umbridge?" Harry reminded her.

"I'm trying to," said Hermione dangerously. Very few people had turned up for class that morning. There was Harry, Ron and Hermione of course. Draco Malfoy had shown up with Crabbe and Goyle and then there was Neville, Seamus and Dean. The door to the classroom opened. The students entered to find that the room had once again been drastically rearranged. Instead of desks there was a semi-circle of stands around a revolving stand. The rest of the room was dark; the only light was coming from the spotlights that seemed to be sweeping across the stands. As they walked in further, they saw that each of the stands had their names on the front. It seemed only natural to stand behind the appropriate stand.

"I have a distinct feeling that I've seen something like this before ..." said Hermione uneasily.

"I know what you mean, it feels like something ...powerful is coming ...something mean and bitchy," added Harry.

"But Hermione's already here ..." said Ron through the Hannibal style mask on his face. It was yet another precaution that Madam Pomfrey felt to be necessary. Ron didn't mind though, it protected his face from Hermione's vengeful fist whenever he made a comment about her. Suddenly the lights in the room faded out. When they came back up, a scary looking woman in glasses and a black wizarding robe was standing in the middle of them all.

"Wait a minute ...I recognise you ...you're Anne Robinson!"

"Dun dun duunnnn!" said Harry forebodingly. The woman turned to face the class.

"Welcome ... to the Weakest Link and it's Professor Robinson to you," she said tartly as she threw Hermione a dangerous look. " Any of these nine people could walk away with up to ten thousand Galleons. They may not know each other but they're going to have to work as a team. However, eight of them will leave with nothing as round by round we vote off ...the Weakest Link."

"Just what is this woman on about?" sneered Draco from across the room. Wasting no time and paying no attention to the slimy little git, Professor Robinson began the 'lesson'.

"Let's play ...the Weakest Link! We'll begin with the person whose name is first alphabetically ...that's you Mr. Crabbe. We start with two minutes on the clock starting now: What monosyllabic term is often used to express lack of intelligence?"

"Duh," was Crabbe's honest reply.

"I'll accept. Seamus, what is the incantation for lighting the end of a wand?"

"Lumos," said Seamus as the wand in his pocket lit up, emphasising the stain on his trousers.

"Correct. Goyle, what D is a slang term used when one is not sure of something?"

"Dunno," said Goyle stupidly.

"Correct: Hermione, what is the M.O.M classification of the Acromantula?"

"Five X's," replied Hermione curtly.

"Correct, Neville ..."

"Bank!" Neville blurted out due to the immense pressure he was under. Professor Robinson continued with the question.

"Whose autobiography is entitled 'Magical Me'?"

"Uh ...Rita Skeeter?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart," corrected Professor Robinson tartly. Neville let out a groan of frustration at how obvious the answer had been. "Draco, Red Caps are most commonly found where?"

"Um ... I think its Northern Europe," guessed Draco.

"Correct." The round went on like this until the clock ran out. Professor Robinson stepped back from her stand and folded her arms together. "Well, at the end of the first round you've banked a pitiful 500 Galleons. Whose cauldron is only half full? It's time to vote off ...the Weakest Link." The easily recognisable theme music started playing as the students started writing down the person they wanted to vote off. Ron had to hold the pen with his elbows but he was able to write something halfway legible. As they wrote, they could hear a voiceover speaking to the room.

"Statistically, Hermione is the strongest link as she got all her answers right. Neville is the weakest link; he didn't get any answers right but banked the most money. Will the votes reflect the facts?"

"Voting over, it's time to reveal who you think ...is the Weakest Link." One by one the metallic discs they had been writing on were turned over. The vote was unanimous: Neville. Neville took a stab in the dark by voting for Goyle and hoping that everyone else would. Professor Robinson turned to Crabbe.

"Mr. Crabbe, why Neville?"

"Um, Draco said to," was the simple reply to the simple question. Professor Robinson now rounded on Draco.

"Draco, would you call yourself the ring leader of your Slytherin friends?"

"Yes, I suppose I am in charge," replied Draco smugly.

"And do you find that all that hair gel gets in the way of your leadership skills?" This provoked some mocking laughter from the rest of the group. Draco blushed and muttered something that sounded a great deal like 'bitch'. "Why Neville?"

"He got all his answers wrong and basically I don't like him."

"Well there's no arguing with that or the facts. Neville, with eight votes you are the Weakest Link, goodbye." Thoroughly depressing music played as Neville stepped down from his stand and walked sheepishly out of the room. As soon as he was gone, the music stopped playing and they could hear him talking out in the corridor.

"It's a bit depressing, being voted out in the first round but at the same time it's hardly surprising. I do crack easily under pressure and I expect I would be holding the team back I hadn't been voted off ..."

"Neville, who are you talking to?" called Hermione. There was an uneasy pause.

"I'm not really sure," said Neville finally. The game went on with Crabbe and Goyle being voted off in the next two rounds, especially after Crabbe got confused and voted off 'fried fish'. Seamus went after he answered a Quidditch question incorrectly and losing the team 800 Galleons. Dean went out the next round, followed shortly by Ron after he spent an entire round screaming 'Death to the Review Button' as an answer to each of his questions. During the triple score round, Harry, Hermione and Draco managed to bag the full three thousand Galleons. It had now come down to the final vote off.

"So ...who is a few twigs short of a Firebolt? Who has been squeezing grapes instead of a Remembrall? It's time to vote off ...the Weakest Link!" The voting was over surprisingly quickly. There was no doubt in any of the contestant's minds who they wanted out of the way. "Voting over. It's time to reveal who you think ...is the Weakest Link." Draco turned his card over, smiling confidently.

"Hermione." Hermione turned her card over with a look of pure contempt on her face.

"Draco." The casting vote now came down to Harry. The suspense was building up until it was unbearable even for Professor Robinson. Harry finally realised it was his turn and turned over his card.

"Oh right ...Draco." Professor Robinson turned to face Hermione.

"Hermione, why Draco?"

"Well Anne, at this point I'm voting strategically and I feel I'll do better in the final round against Harry." Professor Robinson then rounded on Harry.

"Harry, why Draco?"

"He's a git."

"The vote is unanimous, Draco, you are the Weakest Link ...goodbye." Draco stormed out of the room. The spotlights danced over him as he flipped them all off. The final round was intense to say the least. Hermione went first as the strongest link from the previous round (that means all of them). Surprisingly Harry was able to best her for the first four questions so they were neck and neck. The questions were difficult and boring so there's no need to describe them in too much detail. Hermione was answering her fifth question.

"In Divination, Tasseomancy is the art of reading what?" The look on Hermione's face was priceless.

"Oh ...I know this, oh damn! Why didn't I pay more attention back when I did Divination? Uh ...tassels?"

"No the correct answer ...is tea leaves," corrected Professor Robinson. The spotlight now fell on Harry. "Harry. If you answer this question correctly, you leave with 8, 450 Galleons. So for 8,450 Galleons, who was the youngest person to play Quidditch in a century?"

"Um ...it's just a guess but ...I think it was me, Harry Potter."

"Correct," stated the annoying Professor. "Harry, you are the Strongest Link and you go away with 8,450 Galleons. Hermione, you leave ...with nothing." She turned to face the wall. "Join us again for the Weakest Link ...goodbye!" she said as she winked. Well, the wink was more of a nervous head twitch. Hermione, outraged that Harry had gotten such an easy question and one about himself at that, stormed out of the room. Harry approached Professor Robinson, beaming from ear to ear.

"So, where do I collect my 8,450 Galleons?" Professor Robinson only winked at him and said 'goodbye' again like a parrot with glasses. After she did this about seven times, Harry decided it was best to slowly back out of the classroom. From the floor in front of her, something loomed up at Professor Robinson threateningly.

"So you're a Review Button, are you? Am I supposed to be impressed?"