Making No Sense Whatsoever

Professor McGonagall stood waiting impatiently in the Great Hall. The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was late arriving. The last one had resigned during his very first lesson, but not before condemning the whole school to 'the bowels of bloody hell'. McGonagall remembered how flustered Dumbledore was when he learned that he had to find yet another new teacher.

"Honestly Minerva, if this keeps up I shall have to start pulling teachers out of my ass!"

"It wouldn't be the first thing you've pulled out of there," she said tartly.

"Shut it, cat bitch!" growled Dumbledore warningly. After searching his desk he found a completed application form and read it. "Ah, this guy sounds right. Good recommendations from a Mr. Beeblebrox ...should be arriving on Earth some time this morning."

So here she was, standing in the middle of the Great Hall, waiting for some hot shot new professor. Her wait came to an end when the doors opened slowly and something came trundling through. From where she was standing, it looked like one of those robots that Muggles were so fascinated with. His large metallic face was set in a look of permanent depression. The robes he was wearing looked very out of place on his rectangular body. It shuffled along the hall towards Professor McGonagall.

"Professor Marvin?" she enquired. She would have been more freaked out if she hadn't seen stranger things in the staff room toilet.

"Correct," drawled Professor Marvin, the look on his face remained unchanged. Professor McGonagall surveyed him carefully as they headed for the stairs.

"So, do you have much experience in teaching?"

"Professor ...I have a brain the size of a planet ...I believe I can handle a class of students ..."

"Very well, but your first lesson is a sixth year class so I should probably explain what you'll be teaching them."

"I don't think that's necessary ..."

"Now, you'd best start off teaching them about advanced defensive spells then move on to counter hexes." Without another word, she turned and disappeared through a door. Marvin turned his head slightly.

"Just ...that?"

~|~

Later that morning, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, chatting about the arrival of the new teacher.

"I heard he's a tall, golden robot with a camp tone and a weird walk," said Harry.

"That's rubbish," scoffed Hermione. "I heard that he's a bulky robot that replicates things through a panel in his chest."

"I heard he's a sophisticated, sunglass wearing killing machine sent back in time to terminate us all!" screamed Ron as he struggled against the straight jacket. Ever since the incident in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey decided it was necessary.

"Yes Ron, and I expect he's teamed up with the review button," said Hermione patronisingly. Ron was about to attempt to lunge at her when the door at the back of the classroom opened. Professor Marvin waddled in mechanically.

"Hello all you humanoids ..." he drawled as he closed the door behind him. The class sat dumbfounded at the sight of their new teacher. "I should let you know ...I'm feeling a little depressed." He began making his way to the front of the classroom, which took a while. Hermione hated to see someone so depressed, unless it was Ron, of course.

"I know something we could do to cheer you up sir!"

"All right ...but I don't think it will work."

"You could tell us about yourself, sir. Not enough of our teachers do that," said Hermione as she dodged the hexes and ignored the cries of 'Teacher's pet'. She quickly whipped herself around and hit Goyle in the nuts with an Incendio spell.

"There's not much to tell ...I have the brain the size of a planet ...they make me pick the paper off the floor," said Professor Marvin in the same long, dull tone. Some of the students fell asleep on their desks. Hermione tried her best to stay awake.

"Do you get on with other robots?" she asked.

"Hate them, ..." stated Marvin simply. As he started the lesson, Ron noticed something while rocking back and forth on his chair.

"The review button! It's back! You'll never take me alive!" he screamed as he ran headfirst into the window, escaping ...for now.