Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 21: Bathroom.

(Draco Malfoy is clutching the sides of one the sinks. Moaning Myrtle is hovering near him. Literally hovering. Let us not forget, she is a ghost.)

Myrtle: There there, it'll be all right ...

Draco: But if I don't do it, he'll kill me!

Myrtle: Yeah, and?

Draco: What do you mean, "yeah, and"? He'll bloody kill me!

Myrtle: He could do worse.

Draco: Look, if you've got nothing helpful to say, then float off! Oh, if only Harry and I were still together, I could tell him everything and we'd be able to something about it!

Myrtle: So, go make up with him and tell him all about it then.

Draco: You really think it would be that simple? After all those times I tried to impede upon his virtue?

Myrtle: Oh please, it doesn't take a genius to see that Harry was as desperate to get into your pants as you were into his ...(pauses for a moment to make sure that last sentence makes sense grammatically) He was only being a little tease so he could get you to reveal what you've been up to.

Draco: So if I go tell him, he'll help me find a way out of all this and I can finally get some action! Thanks, Myrtle. I'll go find him.

Myrtle: Hang on a sec, I've got an inspirational song all lined up.

Draco: Well, I don't need it now, do I? You've convinced me to go tell Harry ...

Myrtle: (screaming) I WAS PROMISED A SONG AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET A LITTLE WEASEL LIKE YOU CON ME OUT OF IT!

Draco: (taken aback) Merlin's arch supports!

Myrtle: (Pointing at Draco) YOU, SIT! (Pointing at orchestra) YOU, PLAY!

(Both Draco and the orchestra do as they're told. Music starts.)

Tell Him About It

Myrtle: Listen boy,
I don't want to see you let a good thing
Slip away,

You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes
I made

Draco: He's a real nice boy
He helped me realise I'm gay,
Myrtle: But a nice boy would let you get your end away!

Listen boy,
I'm sure that you think you've still

Got a chance,
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to get into someone's pants.

You're a big boy now
You'll never let him go
But that's just the kind of thing
He ought to know.

Tell him about it
Tell him all you want to feel
Give him every reason to accept
Some kind of deal.

Tell him about it!
Tell him all your master's plans
Let him know you need him
And especially his pants!

Listen boy
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide information constantly

When you love someone
And things are going wrong
Then there's only one sure way
To get it on!

Tell him about it!
Let him know how much you care
When he's got his clothes on,
Tell him you wish he was bare!

Tell him about it
Every day before you leave
Give him some crummy line
Give him something to believe

Cause now and then
He'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't conspired
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when he's gone

Listen boy,
It's good information from a ghost
Who's made mistakes,
Just a plot or two that he gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes!

Draco: He's a trusting soul
He'll put his trust in me.
Myrtle: And that really won't be all,
Just wait and see!

Tell him about it
Tell him all you want to grope
Give him every reason
To accept that there's still hope

Draco: I'll tell him about it
I'll tell him all my master's plans
Myrtle: Let him know you need him
Myrtle & Draco: And especially his pants!

(Music hits high point with Myrtle repeating "Tell him about it" rock and roll style while Draco jams. Music fades out. Tumultuous applause that makes you glad to be alive, young and gay.)

Draco: Thanks, Myrtle! I'll go find Harry and tell him everything!

(Draco goes to leave when Harry bursts through the door.)

Draco: Oh Harry, I've got so much to ...

Harry: SECTUMSEMPRA!

(Huge rips start appearing in Draco's shirt and blood starts seeping from his wounds.)

Draco: (Surprised look on his face) Oh.

(Draco promptly falls to the floor.)

Myrtle: MURDER! MURDER! MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS ...I mean IN THE BATHROOM!

(Myrtle floats off stage, still screaming. Harry rushes to Draco's side.)

Harry: I ...I didn't mean to ...

(Snape enters stage left. He runs over to Draco, knocking Harry over)

Harry: Huh! Charming!

(Snape waves his wand over Draco, singing softly. Some of the orchestra provide what they believe to be good musical accompaniment but one look from Snape lets them know how dramatically inappropriate it is at this point. Snape helps Draco up)

Snape: I will take Mr. Malfoy to the hospital wing. You, Potter, will wait here for me,

(Exit Snape and Draco)

Harry: Sod that! I'll just tell you all what happens.

(breaking into song)

Snape asks where I learned such a dark spell,

Then orders me to fetch all my books,

I give him Ron's potions book instead,

And Snape gives me some dirty looks (and detention).

I also start dating Ginny,

I've fancied her so long that it's the best,

It gets Romilda Vane off my back,

And apparently I have a Hippogriff on my chest?

And now that I know what a Horcrux is,

I am summoned by Dumbledore,

So that we might search for these things,

And learn just a little bit more.

(Harry hears Snape returning and makes a hasty exit, stage right. Snape enters stage left.)

Snape: Well, Potter, who would have thought you knew such ...oh damn it!

(Enter Myrtle)

Myrtle: What happened?

Snape: That pretentious little scab took it upon himself to act as narrator ...again! He's pretty much compressed the detailed explanation of what a Horcrux is and how the Dark Lord has been using them into a few song lines, he's skipped to the part where he and Dumbledore go off to find the Horcrux and that's not even the worst part!

Myrtle: What's the worst part?

Snape: HE DARED TO DO IT DURING ONE OF MY SCENES!

(Blackout. Curtain falls.)