Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 22: A cave (the inner part with the big lake, this is that one set in the whole production that you look at and really go "ooh, they pulled out all the stops for this scene, didn't they?") A small island is situated stage left with the basin on it. Harry and Dumbledore enter stage right.

Dumbledore: There it is, Harry. We shall find one of Lord Voldemort's Horcruxes on that island.

Harry: How do we get over there, sir?

Dumbledore: Let me see ...ah yes, here it is ...

(Dumbledore grabs hold of the invisible chain that makes the boat rise up from underneath the stage. There's lots of smoke simulating water over part of the stage so you don't see the boat coming up. It's an age-old theatre trick. Deal with it.)

Dumbledore: After you, Harry.

(Dumbledore and Harry climb into the boat and sit down. It begins to move very slowly across the stage.)

Dumbledore: (absent mindedly singing) In sleep he sang to me,

In dreams he came ...

Harry: What the hell are you doing?

Dumbledore: What? I was just singing to myself ...this scene puts me in mind of something ...

Harry: Of course it does! That scene in 'Phantom of the Opera' where the Phantom and Christine are in the boat, heading to his lair! You were about to parody that song, weren't you?

Dumbledore: N-no ...of course n-not ...

Harry: A song from a musical by He Whose Music Must Be Adored!

Dumbledore: It was just a slip! I didn't mean to do it!

Harry: I won't cover for you again. One more attempt at ripping off a song by the Lord of Musicals and you'll be on your own.

(There is an uncomfortable pause)

Dumbledore: Geez, all of this coming from the guy who skipped several chapters worth of plot points just to get to this scene quicker.

Harry: Don't blame me, blame the playwright. Hey! There are dead things in the water!

Dumbledore: Yes, they are Inferi. They're harmless for the moment but once we get hold of the Horcrux they'll probably rise up against us in their thousands, ripping us to the tiniest of shreds once they get their wet, slimy, decaying hands on us.

Harry: Super.

(The boat reaches the island. Harry and Dumbledore climb out of the boat. They walk up the basin.)

Harry: I can't touch the water ...

Dumbledore: Neither can I. It is obviously meant to be drunk.

Harry: How is it obvious? What brought you to that conclusion? Maybe there's a plug we have to pull out somewhere ...or maybe we have to tip over the whole basin ...

(Dumbledore has conjured a goblet and has filled it.)

Dumbledore: Harry ...

Harry: Yes?

Dumbledore: Two little points. One, make sure I drink all of this, no matter what. Two, shut the hell up.

(Dumbledore downs the goblet.)

Dumbledore: Bleurgh! I've drunk toilet water that tasted better than this!

Harry: I beg your pardon?

Dumbledore: Oh, it's this stuff I'm drinking. It'll make me say a whole bunch of things as I keep drinking more and more. Some of it will be true, some of it won't.

Harry: Oh.

(Dumbledore downs another goblet of whatever that stuff is.)

Dumbledore: You must make sure I keep drinking, Harry ...it is very important ...Dobby has beaten me at chess more than a dozen times ...

Harry: Right ...

(Dumbledore keeps drinking and coming out with insanely random things. This will require some improvisation on the actor's part and before you say anything I'm not being a lazy writer, it's giving the actor some creative licence ...so there!)

Dumbledore: Kill me ...KILL ME!

Harry: This will ...this last one will ...

(Dumbledore drinks the last gobletful and then passes out. Harry grabs the locket from within the basin. All of a sudden dramatic music flares up and the Inferi start rising from the water. Harry draws his wand.)

Harry: Ok, let's not panic here ...what was it Dumbledore said to use against these things? Um ...oh, that's right he didn't say because it wasn't in the script. Damn that lazy writer!

(The Inferi close in around Harry while he fires off one or two ineffectual spells. Finally he is surrounded by them and disappears from sight. Suddenly the Inferi move back and Harry emerges, dressed in a red jacket and trousers and looking like a zombie. Harry and the Inferi start dancing.)

POTTER

Harry: It's close to midnight and something cute is lurking in the dark,
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart.
You try to scream but wonder takes the sound before you make it,
You start to freeze as I look you right between the eyes,
You're paralysed!

'Cos this is Potter, Potter night!
And no one's gonna save you from the hunk about to strike!
You know it's Potter, Potter night!
You just know it's getting hotter, Potter tonight!

You hear a door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
You feel my warm hand and wonder if I'll ever squeeze your bum
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the cutie creepin' up behind
You're out of time!

'Cause this is Potter, Potter night!
There ain't no second chance against the hottie with green eyes,
You know it's Potter, Potter night!
It's like you're on a teeter totter, Potter tonight!

Night creatures call,

Inferi start to walk in their masquerade,
There's no escapin' the firmness of my thighs this time (they're open wide),
This is the end of your love life.

They're out to get you, there's Death Eaters on every side,
They will inhume you unless you can get over your pride,
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together,
All through the night I'll save you from He Who Must Not Be Named,
I'll make you see,

That it's a Potter, Potter night!
'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost who would dare to try,
Boy, this is Potter, Potter night!
So let me hold you tight and share a hotter, trotter, jotter,
Potter here tonight!

(Music stops. Huge, frenzied, riot starting applause. Suddenly Dumbledore stands up, raises his wand and produces jets of fire that repel the Inferi. Harry and Dumbledore start making their way back to the boat.)

Harry: I've got the Horcrux!

Dumbledore: Yippee ki-yay. Was that song really relevant to the story? It just seemed like a self-indulgent load of twaddle to me.

Harry: Well, what song would you have had?

Dumbledore: Well, considering the fact that I'm conjuring all this fire, I would have had a parody of 'Ring of Fire' ...or maybe 'Disco Inferno' ...

Harry: You see, this is why I'm the title character and you're not.

(Harry and Dumbledore have reached the other side of the water. They make a hasty exit.)

Dumbledore: Git.

(Blackout. Down curtain.)

Scene 23: The Astronomy Tower

(Curtain up. Dumbledore is standing at the edge of the parapet. Harry is underneath the Invisibility cloak.)

Dumbledore: Severus ...I must find Severus ...

Harry: Of course you must.

(Draco bursts through the door, stage right.)

Draco: Expeliarmus!

(Dumbledore's wand flies from his hand. Harry suddenly finds he can't move. In fact, he falls over.)

Harry: Sodding bastard!

Dumbledore: Good evening, Draco ...

Draco: It's over, Dumbledore. There are Death Eaters inside your school tonight.

Dumbledore: Extraordinary. Might I ask how you managed it?

Draco: I can't tell you that! I can't just tell you that I fixed the Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement and used its counterpart in Borgin and Burkes as a gateway into Hogwarts.

Dumbledore: Yes you can. You just did.

Draco: Oh ...damn ...anyway, it doesn't matter, because now I'm going to kill you!

Dumbledore: I don't think you will.

Draco: Well, I will!

Dumbledore: Oh no you will not.

Audience: (being encouraged by Draco) Oh yes he will!

Dumbledore: Shut up! Stop that right now! I've said before, this is not a bloody pantomime! (Turning back to Draco). If you truly meant to kill me, you would have done it by now.

Draco: Hey, don't rush me! I'm gonna do it, don't think I won't! This is my chance to make everything right ...this is my moment, my time to shine ...my ...my ...my big number!

(Music starts. The Draco dancers run onstage. The real Draco throws off his school robes to reveal hot pants and a loose fitting shirt.)

IT'S DRACO TIME!

Draco: Heh!!!
heh-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay...
what time is it?

Well I've never really been good,
So I might as well be bad,
My master's always nagging
And in fact it drives me mad,
I'm erotic, exotic, hypnotic, that's for sure,
I'll wipe that smile from your face,
And send you to a place,
You've never been before,

Let it all hang out,
Try to scream and shout,
Don't you know I'm gonna take your life,
everybody say what time is it....
Dancers: What time is it...
It's Draco time...

Well I've been given a job to do,
Sorry but it's to murder you,
It's Draco time...

It really couldn't be worse,
I'll use the killing curse,
On top of the tower while there's a battle going on,
If you want it, you got it,
I'll fill you full of dread,
Don't fantasize, just realize,
You will soon be dead!

Let it all hang out,
Try to scream and shout,
Don't ya know I'm gonna take your life,
Everybody say what time is it....
Dancers: What time is it...
All: It's Draco time...

Draco: Well I've been given a job to do,
Sorry but it's to murder you,
It's Draco time...

Well I've been given a job to do,
Sorry but it's to murder you,

Shake it and all that,
Come on boys, rock my body,
....
It's Draco time...

(Draco does a complex and amazing dance, during which his loose fitting shirt ends up in the audience. Doesn't take a fancy degree in psychology to know how that'll make the female members of the audience behave.)

Dancers: Go Draco, Go Draco Go,
Go Draco, Go Draco Go,
Go Draco, Go Draco Go,
Go Draco, Go Draco Go,

Draco: Well I've been given a job to do,
Sorry but it's to murder you,
It's Draco time...

Well I've been given a job to do,
Sorry but it's to murder you,
It's Draco time!

(Song ends. Tremendous, butt whooping applause. Have security guards on special alert. Enter some Death Eaters and Snape. The Draco dancers exit but Draco himself is still in his final shirtless pose, basking in the love.)

Death Eater: Snape, Draco's got Dumbledore cornered but he's too busy being sexy to do his bloody job and kill him!

Dumbledore: (absent mindedly singing) Don't cry for me, Ho-o-gwarts,

The truth is, I'll never leave you ...

Death Eater: He's doing it! He's parodying a song by He Whose Music Must Be Adored! Kill the mother fu-

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

(Dumbledore is hit by Snape's curse. Lots of green light effects. Dumbledore falls back and disappears over the edge of the tower.)

Snape: Let's go! For Merlin's sake, Draco, put a shirt on!

(Snape, Draco and the Death Eaters exit, stage right. Harry emerges from under the cloak.)

Harry: Well, he can't say I didn't warn him.