Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 19: Gryffindor Common Room

(Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting by the fireplace. Harry is reading his Potion book.)

Hermione: You won't find anything in there.

Harry: Jam a book in it, Hermione. Dumbledore says Veritaserum won't work on Slughorn, but there could be something else, a potion or a spell ...

Hermione: You're going about it the wrong way. Dumbledore said only you could get that memory from Slughorn, which must mean you can persuade Slughorn where other people can't.

(Harry drops the book.)

Harry: What are you trying to say? I have my principles, you know!

Ron: How do you spell "belligerent"? It can't be B-U-M-

Hermione: No, it isn't. Give it here.

Ron: I love you, Hermione.

Hermione: Don't let Lavender hear you say that.

Ron: Maybe I will ...then she'll dump me.

Harry: Why don't you be a man and ditch the bitch?

Ron: You've never chucked anyone, have you?

Harry: I chucked Draco, didn't I?

(There is a loud crack. Dobby and Kreacher appear. Hermione shrieks. Ron spills ink all over his essay. Professor McGonagall momentarily pops her head out from behind the sofa then disappears behind it again.)

Kreacher: Master said he wanted regular reports on what the Malfoy boy is doing. (in a growl audible to the audience) Master is not fit to polish Master Malfoy's arse with his tongue!

Hermione: Though he'd certainly like to offer.

Dobby: Dobby has not slept for a week, Harry Potter! But Dobby is OK, as he is getting pep-up pills from a very reliable dealer in Hogsmeade named Joe.

Harry: Dobby, you can sleep, all right? Has either of you found out anything?

(Music starts. Dobby and Kreacher start bobbing up and down rhythmically.)

Kreacher: In the Great Hall Master Malfoy dines.

Dobby: Draco Malfoy complains and whines.

Kreacher: In the dungeon there he sleeps.

Dobby: In the boys changing rooms he peeps.

Kreacher: Master Malfoy attends his classes.

Dobby: He hangs around with a bunch of asses.

Kreacher: All in all, Master Malfoy is a gooooood boooooy!

Dobby: All in all, Draco Malfoy is a baaaaaad boooooy! (Singing simultaneously with Kreacher.)

(Well meaning applause for Dobby and Kreacher.)

Harry: Yes, but have you actually found anything out?

Dobby: Well, he goes to the Room of Requirement with lots of different students quite a bit. Is that important?

Harry: The Room of Requirement! Of course! That's where he's been doing ...

(Ron, Hermione, Dobby and Kreacher look expectedly at Harry.)

Harry: Whatever it is he's been doing! And I bet you anything he's been using Polyjuice potion to turn Crabbe and Goyle into those girls we keep seeing him with but have forgotten to include in the play! I knew he couldn't have gone straight! Thanks Dobby, you'd better go get some sleep.

(Dobby smiles and Disapparates. Kreacher gives Harry the finger and then does the same. Exit Harry stage right.)

Ron: Hermione, what does "belligerent" mean?

(Blackout.)

Scene 20: Outside Hagrid's Hut

(Enter Harry stage right.)

Harry: I tried to get into the Room of Requirement,

It did not respond to my rants,

I still don't know what Draco's plans are,

But I expect he'd still like to get into my pants.

And now I've come to see poor Hagrid,

Cos' last night Aragog died.

I still need to get that memory from Slughorn,

And Merlin knows I've tried.

I've convinced him to come to the burial,

All so he can make a quick buck,

Hagrid's understandably upset,

But Slughorn doesn't give a ...

(Enter Hagrid sobbing his heart out.)

Hagrid: Yeh came. He'd've been well touched yeh're here, Harry.

Harry: Where are we burying him? The Forest?

Hagrid: Bugger me sideways, no! The other spiders won' let me anywhere near their webs now that Aragog's gone. Turns out it was on'y on his orders they didn' eat me! Can yeh believe that, Harry?

Harry: Oh yes.

Hagrid: What?

Harry: Sorry, that was supposed to be an 'aside' to the audience. You weren't supposed to hear that.

Hagrid: Well, yeh were speaking pretty clearly and yeh were even looking at me ... so I can' see how come ...

Harry: It's a stage convention. Deal with it.

(Enter Slughorn stage right. He is carrying several bottles.)

Slughorn: Hagrid. So very sorry to hear of your loss.

Harry: What a two faced, pompous bastard!

Slughorn: I beg your pardon?

Harry: That was another 'aside'.

Slughorn: Well, it wasn't very to the side. You were looking straight at me. I'd work on that if I were you.

Hagrid: Shall we -shall we do it then?

(All move stage left. Stage hands push on a giant paper mache spider.)

Harry: Paper mache? Is that really the best we could do?

Slughorn: Shut up.

(Slughorn bends over Aragog's head and pretends to extract venom from the pincers. One of them breaks off.)

Harry: See? Now if it had been made out of plastic, this wouldn't have happened.

Slughorn: (growling dangerously) Damn you! If you hadn't drawn attention to it nobody would have noticed! Now shut your nasty, little teenage gob before I cram a box of crystallised pineapple down your throat!

(Hagrid picks up the paper mache spider. Several of its legs fall off. Harry opens his mouth to say something.)

Slughorn: Quiet!

(Hagrid carries the spider over to an open trap door in the stage. A couple more legs fall off.)

Slughorn: Not a word!

(Hagrid drops the spider into the trap door. The sound of the whole thing falling apart can be heard.)

Slughorn: (Sighing) Oh you're right. Our prop department stinks. Come now, Hagrid. Let's get inside and have a drink.

(The stage revolves again as all three walk through the door of Hagrid's hut. Slughorn pours out three glasses.)

Slughorn: To Aragog!

Harry & Hagrid: Aragog.

(Uneasy pause for as long as the actors feel they can get away with it.)

Hagrid: Right! Let's get rat-arsed!

Slughorn: Girls!

(Music starts. Slughorn's dancing girls enter from both sides of the stage.)

BOOZE GLORIOUS BOOZE

Slughorn: Booze, glorious booze!
Beer, whisky and cider!

Hagrid: While we're mourning,
My giant spider!

Both: Gin, wine, pina colada!
What next is the question?
Drunk gentlemen have it, boy,
In-toxi-cation!

Booze, glorious booze!
We're anxious to drink it.
Three snootfuls a day,
Better than a trinket!

Both: Just picture a great big glass,
Tall, frothy and smooth.
Oh, booze!
Wonderful booze!
Marvellous booze!
Glorious booze!

(More dancing girls come on, dressed as various bottles of liquor and doing an incredible dance number. All the while, Slughorn and Hagrid keep taking increasingly large swigs in between lyrics.)

Both: Booze, glorious booze!
What is there more handsome?
Gulped, swallowed or sipped,
Still worth a kin's ransom.

Slughorn: What is it we dream about?

Hagrid: What brings on a sigh?

Both: Shot glasses piled about
Six feet high!

Both: Booze, glorious booze!
Don't care what it tastes like,
Bitter!
Smooth!
Dry!
Don't care what it looks like!
Just thinking of getting pissed!
Our senses go reeling!
One night of knowing that,
Rat-arsed feeling!

Both: Booze, glorious booze!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more --
That's all that we live for
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but lose
Our booze,
Magical booze,
Wonderful booze,
Marvellous booze,
Fabulous booze,
Beautiful booze,

Glorious boooooooooze!

(As they sing that final note, jets of champagne erupt all over the set. Huge, mouth watering, envelope licking applause. Exit dancing girls. Completely blathered, Hagrid collapses onto a chair, which promptly breaks. Slughorn staggers towards the table.)

Harry: Great song, Professor. Can I have that memory now?

Slughorn: Huh?

Harry: That one you've been keeping from Dumbledore and me.

Slughorn: OK.

(Slughorn takes out his wand and extracts the memory. He puts it into a bottle and hands it to Harry.)

Harry: Cheers.

Slughorn: You're welcome. Now excuse me while I fall abruptly to the floor.

(Slughorn does so. Blackout.)