Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 18: Dumbledore's Office

(Enter Harry stage left.)

Harry: Ron is making a steady recovery,

Recuperating in the hospital wing,

I've had Dobby and Kreacher tail Draco,

As I'm sure he's up to something.

(Enter Dumbledore stage right.)

Dumbledore: So Harry, do you have Horace's memory?

Harry: No sir, I've had other things on my mind.

Dumbledore: Spare me your pathetic excuses,

Your laziness leaves us in quite a bind.

Harry: Don't be so touchy, keep your pants on,

I'll get that memory from Slughorn.

Dumbledore: Make sure you do, boy,

Or you'll wish you'd never been born.

Harry: So, whose memory are we visiting today, sir?

Dumbledore: Mine.

(Dumbledore empties a memory into the Pensieve. Lot's of swirly light effects. All very pretty. Past Dumbledore is sitting at his desk.)

Harry: I like how they've made up that actor playing the past you, sir. It's amazing what they can do with a plastic witches' nose and a cotton wool beard.

Dumbledore: Shut up.

(There is a knock at the door.)

Past Dumbledore: Enter.

(Enter Voldemort. He looks just like the description in the book. Look it up if you can't remember what that is.)

Harry: Bloody hell! They really want all out on him, didn't they? I mean, this is 'Lord of the Rings' quality, isn't it?

Dumbledore: Shut up.

Harry: Hang on, how come his make up is really cool and your past self looks like a shopping mall Santa Claus?

Dumbledore: We have a very limited budget, Harry. Now please shut up before I remove your vocal chords in a violent and discomforting way.

(Harry gives the audience a look that says 'I was only making an observation'.)

Past Dumbledore: Good evening, Tom. Please sit down.

Voldemort: Thank you.

(Voldemort removes the ineptly hidden landmine from his seat and sits down.)

Voldemort: I heard that you had been made Headmaster. An excellent choice.

Dumbledore: Bloody little arse-kisser.

Past Dumbledore: Can I offer you a drink?

Voldemort: Thank you.

(Past Dumbledore pours out two goblets of wine, not disguising the fact that he's dropped something into Voldemort's goblet particularly well. He gives the goblet to Voldemort, who instantly chucks the contents over his shoulder.)

Past Dumbledore: So, Tom ...to what do I owe the pleasure?

Voldemort: They do not call me 'Tom' anymore ...these days I am known as ...

Past Dumbledore: (While taking out and loading his blowpipe) I am aware of what you are known as.

Dumbledore: The world's biggest git.

Harry: Actually, I think you'll find that Percy Weasley is the official holder of that title.

Dumbledore: Really? Well, Voldemort is the world's evilest git.

Voldemort: I have returned, later than Professor Dippet expected ...

(Voldemort ducks as a poison dart whizzes past.)

Voldemort: But I have returned, nevertheless ...

Dumbledore: Blah blah bloody blah!

Voldemort: I wish to teach at this castle. You must know that I have seen and done much since I left.

Past Dumbledore: (Casually producing a crossbow from under his desk) Rumours of your doings have reach your old school, Tom. I would be sorry to believe half of them.

Voldemort: Greatness inspires envy, envy engenders spite, spite spawns lies.

Harry: Wow, that was deep.

Dumbledore: Oh please. I expect he ripped it off from a cheap sci-fi movie.

Past Dumbledore: You call what you have been doing 'greatness', is that right?

(Past Dumbledore sneezes and subsequently sends the arrow from the crossbow flying straight into one of the old headmaster's portraits.)

Voldemort: Certainly. I have experimented ...

Dumbledore: Well, that's a surprise.

Voldemort: I have pushed the boundaries of magic further than they have ever been pushed. I have ambition, Dumbledore! Soon I will become the greatest sorcerer in the world! Nothing can stop me!

(Voldemort jumps dramatically from his seat. Music and flashy lights start. Four Death Eaters enter as back up singers.)

DARK

Voldemort: Albus, look at me,
And tell me what you see!
You ain't seen the best of me yet,
Give me time I'll make you forget the past!

I got more in me,
And soon I'll set it free,
I can clutch the world in my hands
Don't you know who I am?

Remember my mark!
Death Eaters: Dark!

Voldemort: I'm gonna live forever!
I never, never will die!
Death Eaters: High!

Voldemort: And when I rise to power
People will see me and cry
Death Eaters: Dark

Voldemort: I'm gonna split it to seven!

Light up the sky with my mark!
Death Eaters: Dark

Voldemort: I'm gonna live forever
Albus, remember my mark!

Death eaters: Remember!
Remember!
Remember!
Remember!
Remember!
Remember!
Remember!
Remember!

Voldemort: Albus, give me a break,
Give me the job for old time's sake!
You can shoot me straight to the top
Give me a job and I'll take all you've got to give

Albus, I'll be tough
Mortal life is not enough
I'll grab your throat til it breaks
Ooo I got what it takes

Dark
I'm gonna live forever
I never, never will die!
High

And when I rise to power,
People will see me and cry
Dark

I'm gonna split it to seven!
Light up the sky with my mark
Dark

I'm gonna live forever
Albus, remember my mark!

Death Eaters: Remember
Remember
Remember
Remember
Remember
Remember
Remember

(Voldemort and the Death Eaters repeat the chorus several times because it's a musical and can get away with that kind of thing. Who needs more than two verses when you can sing the chorus over and over until it wedges into the minds of the audience permanently? That's show business for you.)

(Music fades and audience claps politely. The song's not great but Voldemort just had to have a number somewhere in this thing. Death Eaters exit.)

Voldemort: So, will you give me the job?

Past Dumbledore: Nope.

Voldemort. Sod you then.

(Voldemort and Past Dumbledore exit. More swirly light effects to show that Harry and Dumbledore are exiting the Pensieve.)

Harry: Is that really how it happened? I mean, did Voldemort really burst into such an unbelievably camp song? And all those rather pathetic attempts on his life, did you really do that?

Dumbledore: Yeah, pretty much.

Harry: Oh.

(Blackout.)