Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 17: Gryffindor Dormitory

(Harry and Ron are in their beds. Seamus, Dean and Neville have just got dressed and exit through the dormitory door, stage left. Suddenly Harry throws his covers up theatrically and holds up a present.)

Harry: (Singing very OTT) Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday, dear Ronald,

Happy birthday to you!

(On the last note, Harry flings his present at Ron, just as Ron sits up in bed. The present hits Ron square on the head.)

Ron: Ow.

Harry: (Singing again) How old are you now?

How old are y...

Dean: (From backstage) Don't push it, Potter!

Harry: Fine. Anyway, Ron, you've come of age now!

Ron: Yes I have. Harry, I was thinking ...

Harry: Careful.

Ron: Seeing as it's my birthday, I was wondering if I could finally do my solo.

Harry: I dunno, Ron. We're strapped for time as it is ...

Ron: Oh come on, Harry! If anything it's not really a solo. No, I've been working on it with Dean, Seamus and Neville. We've worked really hard on it. It's a really fun song and I know the audience will love it. Oh please, Harry!

Seamus: (From backstage) Yeah, let us have the limelight for once, you pretentious bastard!

Harry: Oh all right then. Seeing as it's your birthday.

Ron: OK guys, hit it!

(Music starts. Ron rips off his pyjamas to reveal a Hawaiian shirt and hot pants. Neville enters stage left, dressed identically to Ron. Seamus enters dressed as a banana in big sunglasses and carrying a little guitar. Dean enters same as Seamus, except that he is dressed as a lime.)

Ron & Neville: (Singing) Aga -doo -doo -doo,

Push pineapple, shake the tree ...

Harry: Whoa! Whoa! Cut it! Stop that right now!

(Harry grabs a Chocolate Cauldron and stuffs it into Ron's mouth to shut him up. Music stops abruptly.)

Neville: What's the matter?

Dean: (voice muffled by lime costume) Yeah, what's your problem, Potter?

Harry: I don't care if it is your bloody birthday; Dumbledore and Voldemort will be bosom buddies before I stand idly by and allow you to sing that song! If you want to go there, I'll rally every other member of the cast and you can take it out with them.

Neville: Ron, are you going to take this?

(Ron has gone all dreamy eyed. He doesn't respond.)

Neville: I guess he's going to take it. Come on then guys, let's go.

Seamus: (voice muffled) Do you know how long it took for me mam to make this banana costume? A bloody long time!

(Neville, Dean and Seamus exit stage left, looking dejected, disappointed and infuriated, in that precise order.)

Ron: Harry, I can't stand it!

Harry: Neither can I, but we're stuck with them as dorm mates for at least another year.

Ron: I can't stop thinking about her!

Harry: Oh yeah, that's a point. (Turns to audience)

There's a girl in Gryffindor,

Whose name is Romilda Vane,

She's got this almighty crush on me,

I have to admit she's a right pain.

Now it seems that Chocolate Cake,

The one I stuffed into Ron's gob,

Was loaded with love potion,

And seems to have done it's job.

(Suddenly Ron punches Harry in the back of the head. Harry falls to the floor, whips his wand and out and performs 'Levicorpus'. Ron is now being suspended in mid-air by ankles.)

Harry: Damn it, Ron! Were you paying attention during that 'stage combat' part of the rehearsals! That really hurt!

Ron: You insulted her! You said it was a joke!

Harry: Actually, I said she was a pain.

Ron: Now you really are cruising for a bruising!

Harry: You've been drugged by Romilda Vane. I'll take you to Slughorn and see if he's got an antidote.

Ron: Romilda Vane? Harry, you know her? Can you introduce me?

Harry: Uh ...yeah, sure. Come on then.

(Harry goes to leave.)

Ron: Um, Harry? You need to let me down first.

Harry: Oh, right.

(Harry undoes the spell. Just as the lights fade out, Ron's voice can be heard.)

Ron: Ow.

(Stage revolves again to reveal Slughorn's office. Enter Harry and Ron stage left. Enter Slughorn stage right.)

Harry: Hello, Professor. My friend Ron accidentally drank a love potion. We need an antidote.

Slughorn: Aha, and give me one good reason why I should help you?

Harry: (Sighs) Sir, you and Hagrid have a number in just a few minutes. I'm sorry you and the girls didn't get a chance to sing earlier, but I feel sure they could dance in the finale.

Slughorn: I'll hold you to that, you little toe-rag!

Ron: Oh, Romilda, I'm here! I'm ready, willing and horny!

Slughorn: Here lad, drink this.

(Slughorn grabs hold of Ron's chin and pours the antidote down Ron's throat.)

Ron: What is it with people and stuffing things into my mouth today?

Slughorn: Back to normal then? How about a pick me up? It's barely nine o'clock in the morning yet but hey, what's time to an alcoholic?

(Slughorn gives Ron a glass of oak matured mead.)

Harry: Uh, Professor, aren't you forgetting something?

Slughorn: Uh, no I don't think so.

Harry: The plot point. The fact that you meant to give that mead to Dumbledore for Christmas.

Slughorn: Don't lecture me on plot points, boy! You've managed to completely skip over the fact that you're supposed to be asking me for my true memory. You haven't even had a scene where you and Dumbledore watch the one I gave him.

Playwright: (from offstage) Shit!

Harry: Well, while we're on the topic, can I have the proper memory?

Slughorn: No.

Harry: Fair enough.

Ron: Uh, guys, I'm choking here.

(Ron promptly falls to the ground, making gargling noises.)

Harry: Ron!

(Harry scrambles over to Slughorn's open potion bag and grabs a bezoar. He runs back over to Ron.)

Harry: Ron! You've been poisoned!

Ron: (Singing chokingly) Your cruel ...device,

Your blood ...like ice ...

Harry: Ron, now is really not the time!

(Harry jams the bezoar down Ron's throat. Blackout.)