Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 15: Generic Hogwarts corridor

(Enter Harry stage left, half under his Invisibility Cloak.)

Harry: (Singing) Hermione and Ron still aren't talking,

Their feud could last quite a while,

I've asked Luna to Slughorn's party,

But only cos' Neville's in denial.

Now I've snuck away from the party,

To spy on Malfoy and Snape,

I hope nothing dodgy is happening,

I'll know if Malfoy cries 'r ...'

(Enter Slughorn, stage left, just in time too! Even I thought that last line was controversial.)

Slughorn: Just one bleeding second here! We've missed out my party! The girls and I had a whole new number worked out! It's a real showstopper!

Harry: Piss off, you pompous old walrus. You're interrupting the flow of the narrative!

Slughorn: Ha! You're one to talk. What is it, two songs you've had about Draco now? Dumbledore promised me another song and I'm not going to be stopped by the likes of you!

Harry: Security!

(Three security wizards run on.)

Slughorn: This isn't over, Potter!

(Slughorn runs off stage left. The guards chase after him. Harry crouches down to the key hole. Stage revolves mechanically to reveal Snape and Malfoy on the other side of the door.)

Draco: Wow! I didn't know the stage could turn round that! It's just like 'Les Misérables', only not as good.

Snape: Oh, I love that show! I've always wanted a chance to play Inspector Javert.

Draco: I can so see you playing Javert.

Snape: Really?

Draco: Oh yeah. I've always fancied playing Marius myself.

Harry: (coughing loudly from behind the set) Ahem!

Snape: Oh, very well. (Sighs) What are you hiding from your master?

Draco: I'm not hiding anything from him. I just don't want you butting in.

Snape: You're lying to me, Draco. You smirk when you lie.

Draco: I always smirk.

Snape: Well, this is a very distinctive smirk that you only use when you're lying. Let me help you, Draco. Tell me what's bothering you.

Draco: You can't help me. No one can. I can't tell you that I'm a flaming homo and that I've been having a secret relationship with Potter until very recently when we broke up because I kept trying to cop a feel.

Snape: Yes you can. You just told me.

Draco: Oops, I did it again.

(Ron runs on in a long blonde wig. Music starts.)

Ron: Oops, I did it again,

I played with your heart ...

(Snape waves his wand and the music instantly stops. He then turns his wand on Ron.)

Snape: Weasley, I'd rather not go to Azkaban for killing you, but in the long run I'd probably be doing the wizarding world a favour.

Ron: Right. Point taken.

(Exit Ron rather hurriedly stage right.)

Snape: Now, where were we? Oh yes. Well, Draco, you were right to tell me about your sexuality, but you must not tell your master. In case you haven't noticed, he's not the most open-minded or tolerant person in the world.

Draco: You know what? Screw you and screw him. I'm out of the closet and proud of it.

Snape: Let me put it to you this way, Draco.

(Music starts. Snape produces a microphone from his long billowing robes. Disco lights start flashing.)

Don't Let Your Master Know You're Out

Snape: You're a brat, irritating me,
So you're gay but I can't take a chance with a kid like you,
That's something I couldn't do,
There's that look in your eyes,
I can read in your face that your ambition's driving you wild,
Ah, but boy you're only a child.

Well I can argue with you, buddy,
If you think I'm a fuddy duddy ,
Don't let your Master know that you're 'out'.
And I can row with you baby,
Debate a little maybe,
Don't let your Master know that you're 'out'.

Take it easy,
Better slow down boy,
That's no way to go,
Don't let your Master know.
Take it easy,
Try to cool it boy,
Take it nice and slow,
Don't let your Master know.

(Instrumental. Draco dancers enter from both sides of the stage. Dancers, Draco and Snape all start disco dancing.)

Snape: I can see what you want,
But you seem pretty young to do this kind of task,
So maybe I shouldn't ask.
Now you're so smart, you think it'll work,
And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smirk,
But boy you're being a berk.

Well I can argue with you buddy,
If you think I'm a fuddy duddy,
Don't let your Master know that you're 'out'.
And I can row with you baby,
Debate a little maybe,
Don't let your Master know that you're 'out'.

Take it easy,
Better slow down boy,
That's no way to go,
Don't let your Master know.
Take it easy,
Try to cool it boy,
Take it nice and slow,
Don't let your Master know.

(Repeats chorus and music fades. Thunderous, cosmos splitting applause. Draco dancers exit.)

Draco: Wow! I didn't know I had my own dancers!

Snape: Oh yes. I think Potter's been using them quite a lot.

Harry: (From behind set) Sons of bitches!

Draco: Anyway, what does it matter if he knows? What does any of it matter? It's all just an act, isn't it?

Snape: It is an act that is crucial to success, Draco! Where do you think I would have been all these years, if I had not known how to act?

Draco: On an Australian soap opera?

Snape: Why not confide in me, and I can ...

Draco: I know what you're up to! You want to steal my glory! Well forget it, the Tony for best supporting actor is mine! Do you hear me? Mine!

(Draco storms off through the door Harry has been listening at. Snape gives the audience an unfathomable look of some kind and then follows. Blackout.)

Scene 16: The Burrow

(Lights go up. Harry, Ron, Ginny, Fred, George, Bill, Fleur, Lupin, Arthur and Molly are at the table having Christmas dinner. The splintered remains of Fleur's guitar can be seen on the floor, not too far from where Molly is sitting. Music starts and all begin to sing.)

Christmas Piss-Takes

All: Jingle bells, the Dark Lord smells,

Lucius has an itch,

Pettigrew lost his shoe

And Bellatrix is a bitch!

(Tune changes.)

Ron: He knows what you are dreaming,

Hermione: He can get inside your head,

Harry: If I gave him half a chance he'd kill me stone cold dead!

All: So, you better not beg,

You better not plead,

Don't ask for mercy,

There's really no need,

Harry: Voldemort is coming to town!

(Tune changes again.)

Fred, George & Ginny: Percy the redheaded loser,

Was a very big brown-nose,

Has anyone ever noticed,

That we never sing in prose?

All of the other Weasleys,

Used to laugh and call him names,

We never let that git head,

Join in any Weasley games.

(Percy and Rufus Scrimgeour enter rather quickly.)

Rufus: Then one foggy Christmas morn,

The Minister came to say,

Harry, what with this prophecy,

Won't you come and work for me?

Harry: Then how I rebuked him,

All: As we shouted out with glee,

Percy the redheaded loser,

This isn't even your story!

(Tumultuous applause. Everyone gets up to exit.)

Ron: Hang on a sec, haven't we got any dialogue here? What happened to telling the story?

Arthur: If you'd been paying attention, Ron, you'd have noticed that we fleetingly referred to a fairly important plot point, namely the fact that the Minister for Magic asks Harry to actively support the Ministry, during the last verse of that song.

Ron: Oh.

Lupin: We also just about to get across the fact that Harry tells him where to go. It was all in the song. Get it?

Ron: Got it.

Lupin: Good.

Percy: May I say something here? I didn't really like that song. It seemed to me that it was just a cheap and nasty dig at me.

Fred: Observant, aren't you?

George: Git.

(Blackout. Curtains come down.)