Half Blood Prince The Musical

Scene 3: The Dursley's front door

Dumbledore: I'm here for Harry.

Vernon: (Looking at Dumbledore's extravagant wizarding clothes) Either that or you're collecting donations for the local LGB Society.

Dumbledore: (Coldly) Those who accuse others of homosexuality are often concealing their own sexual insecurities.

(Enter Harry with his trunk and Hedwig's cage.)

Harry: I'm ready.

Dumbledore: Good. Now, Harry, let us step into the night and pursue ...

Harry: Hang on a second, aren't you going to explain why you needed to come and get me yourself? What about Sirius' will and Kreacher and all that?

Dumbledore: Oh we don't have time to go into all that. This is a musical! We have to sacrifice the story in order to make room for as many songs as possible. This thing is going to be long enough without me going into every tiny detail of what's happening. We don't want the audience getting bored and leaving during the interval.

Harry: Oh.

Dumbledore: Now you've gone and made me forget my dramatic line. Oh ...um, it was something about a flighty temptress ...oh sod it. Let's go.

(Exit Harry and Dumbledore through the front door and onto the street. Vernon stands at the door, dumbfounded.)

Vernon: Bye then.

(Exit the Dursleys stage left. Harry and Dumbledore are standing by a sign reading 'Privet Drive'.)

Harry: Will we really have to terribly cut up the story all for the sake of a few extra songs?

Dumbledore: Not entirely. We can reveal some details but it has to be done through singing. Plus, naturally, it has to rhyme.

Harry: You mean something like (breaks into song)

So I read that Fudge has been fired

He's washed up, old and very tired

Dumbledore: Very good. (Also breaking into song)

Yes, poor Fudge is no longer in power

Rufus Scrimgeour's the big man now

Harry: What's he like?

Dumbledore: OK but a bit sour.

Harry: I've also read of the Inferi

Just what the hell are they?

Dumbledore: They're dead bodies moved by magic

And on that subject that's all I'll say.

Harry: Now that I think of it

I don't even know where we're going

We left in such a rush that

I had no way of knowing

Dumbledore: We're going to see an old friend of mine

Ask him a favour and turn on the charm

We're now running late so kindly

Shut your trap and take hold of my arm

(Harry holds onto Dumbledore's arm and they Disapparate)

Scene 4: Slughorn's 'home'

(Enter Harry and Dumbledore with lit wands. The room has been totally devastated.)

Dumbledore: Yes, something terrible has happened here.

Harry: Maybe he's just had a falling out with his cleaner.

Dumbledore: Leave the smart-ass comments to those older and wiser, Harry.

(He crosses over to an overturned armchair and plunges his wand into it.)

Armchair: (In a deep, baritone voice) Ouch!

(The armchair turns into Horace Slughorn.)

Slughorn: No need to stick the wand in that hard. It hurt.

Dumbledore: Quit playing for the audience's sympathy. I suppose you'd like my help in clearing up?

Slughorn: Please.

(They do the whole standing back to back and making the same sweeping motion. Everything starts repairing. Harry just stands there like a lemon until Slughorn notices him.)

Slughorn: Oho! So that's how you planned to persuade me. Well, no dice, Albus. I'd rather run stark naked through Diagon Alley ...again, than go back to teach at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore: Well, if that's your attitude. Might I use your bathroom? The old bowels aren't as regular as they used to be.

Slughorn: Yes, go right ahead.

(Exit Dumbledore. Slughorn notices Harry looking at all the pictures on the wall.)

Slughorn: All old students of mine. All of them got to where they are because of me. Of course, in return they send me a few, uh ...tokens of appreciation now and then.

Harry: (Less than interested.) Really?

Slughorn: Oh yes. The key to success is to have the right contacts. You see, Mr. Potter ...(breaking into song)

IT AIN'T WHO YOU KNOW

It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
And that's what gets the sweets

It ain't who you know it's the time that you knew them
It ain't who you know it's the time that you knew them
It ain't who you know it's the time that you knew them
And that's what gets the tickets

You can try hard don't mean a thing
Get the right friends and then your jive will swing

(Several scantily clad dancing girls come into the background and dance jazz style. Harry seems uncomfortable around them.)

It ain't who you know it's the place that you met them
It ain't who you know it's the place that you met them
It ain't who you know it's the place that you met them
And that's what gets the sweets

I thought I was smart but I soon found out
I didn't know what life was all about
But now I can give you all the facts

Life's all about your contacts

It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
It ain't who you know it's the way that you know them
And that's what gets the tickets

You can try hard don't mean a thing
Get the right friends and then your jive will swing

(Slughorn repeats the chorus three times, finishing to deafening applause. Slughorn and the girls take a bow. Exit dancing girls.)

Harry: Well ...thanks for that little bit of advice. Seriously though, don't think you and the girls would be safer at Hogwarts?

Slughorn: Well, I suppose I've never looked at it like that. I do owe it to the girls to keep them safe.

(Enter Dumbledore, a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe.)

Slughorn: You were in there a while, Albus. You missed my song.

Dumbledore: I was reading the Muggle magazines. I do love knitting patterns. Yes, there's nothing half as worth doing as simply ...messing about with your knitting ...(breaking into a much gentler song than Slughorn's.)

MESSING ABOUT WITH YOUR KNITTING

There's plenty to do

So knit one, pearl two

Messing about with your knitting

If you've got the itch

Just go with the stitch

When you're messing about with your knitting

Whether you finish

Or whether you don't

You think it would matter

I tell you, it won't

Lot's of them to be done

And they're all of them fun

When you're messing about with your knitting

Slughorn: Was that song entirely necessary?

Dumbledore: No more so than yours. Well, we have taken up enough of your time, Horace. Harry and I will be leaving now.

Harry: (Aside) Gladly.

(Harry and Dumbledore go to leave.)

Slughorn: Alright Dumbledore, I'll come out of retirement!

Dumbledore: Excellent. I shall see you on the first of September.

Slughorn: (Calling after them) I'll want a pay rise and at least one more musical number, Dumbledore!

(Curtain)