Half Blood Prince The Musical

OVERTURE

(Music plays that sounds a great deal like the typical theme tune to the Harry Potter movies but for legal reasons it isn't. Really, it does sound like it but if you listen carefully they differ on several notes. You can't hear it? Well, the judge could and that's all that matters.)

Scene 1: Dumbledore's office.

(Dumbledore and McGonagall enter stage left. Dumbledore drops a copy of the Daily Prophet on his desk)

Dumbledore: So, Rufus Scrimgeour is the new Minister for Magic? I can't pretend that I'm not concerned.

McGonagall: At least it means that Fudge is no longer causing us problems. Surely it's better this way, Albus?

Dumbledore: Perhaps ...but it does feel as if we've gone from one extreme to another. Cornelius denied Voldemort's return but some of Rufus's security measures border on extreme ...even unnecessarily violent.

McGonagall: But are you sure-

Dumbledore: Oh believe me, Minerva, there is very little we can be sure of in these dark times. (Starts walking forwards, obviously building up to a song. McGonagall takes a seat and starts doing the crossword in the Daily Prophet, knowing how long Dumbledore is likely to go on singing) Can we really work with him for the greater good or are we better left to our own devices? I'll tell you now, Minerva ... (breaks into song)

IS A BEWILDERMENT (Dumbledore)

When I was a boy

World was better spot

What was so was so

What was not was not

Now I'm an old man

World have change a lot

Some things nearly so

Others nearly not

There are times I almost think

I am not sure of what I absolutely know

Very often find confusion

In conclusion I concluded long ago

In my head are many facts

That as a student I have studied to procure

In my head are many facts

Of which I wish I was more certain I was sure

Is a bewilderment!

Shall I join with Ministry in alliance?

If Rufus is weak am I not best alone?

If Rufus is strong with power to help me

Might he not help me out of all I own?

Is a danger to be trusting one another

One will seldom want to do what other wishes

But unless someday somebody trusts somebody

There'll be nothing left on earth ... excepting fishes

There are times I almost think

Rufus is not sure of what he absolutely know

He will often find confusion

In conclusion he concluded long ago

And it puzzle me to learn

That though Rufus may be in doubt of what he know

Very quickly will he fight

He'll fight to prove that what he does now know is so!

Oh! Oh!

Sometimes I think that Rufus going mad

Ha! Ha!

Sometimes I think that Rufus not so bad

But no matter what I think I must go on with the riff-raff

As leader of my school I must go forth

Be teacher to the students and boss to the staff

Et cetera, et cetera and so forth

But ...is a bewilderment!

(Dumbledore ends song with a big gesture to raucous applause.)

McGonagall: Uh ...it's not that I don't understand what you mean Albus, but what were all those big arm gestures for and since when do you sing in such broken English?

Dumbledore: My dear Minerva, you have just drained the charm and fun out of yet another song. I'll add it to the list, right next to 'Everybody Wants To Be A Cat'.

(McGonagall gives Dumbledore a dangerous look. They both exit.)

Scene 2: The Dursleys

(Enter all three Dursleys stage right. Vernon is in his dressing gown; Dudley's in his pyjamas and Petunia is in her nightdress that conceals the kinky underwear Vernon bought her last Christmas)

Dudley: When's he going?

Vernon: Oh, I don't think he'll be here for much longer. He seems to spend less time here each year, for which I am very grateful.

Petunia: I shall be glad when he's gone. He's turned that room of his into a tip.

Vernon: Has he?

Petunia: Oh yes. It makes you wonder what he's been doing in there.

Dudley: Is it important to keep things tidy, then?

Vernon: Certainly it is. You should always be proud of your home, Dudders. Never forget, this is our house ... (Music intro. All three begin dancing. Harry appears on the staircase and watches the spectacle from a distance)

OUR HOUSE

Dudley: Father wears his Sunday best

Mother's tired she needs a rest

Vernon: The boy is messing about upstairs

Petunia's sighing in her sleep

Petunia: Vernon's got a meeting to keep

He can't hang around

All: Our house, in the middle of our street

Our house, in the middle of our ...

Vernon: Our house is very boring

There's never much noise

Except for my snoring

Dudley: My mum she's so house-proud

Nothing ever slows her down

And a mess is not allowed

All: Our house, in the middle of our street

Our house, in the middle of our...

Our house, in the middle of our street

Our house, in the middle of our...

Harry: Something tells me that I've got to get away from it (Harry exits up the stairs)

Dudley: Harry gets my spare room

Mother says he has to stay

Vernon: Then she sends 'the boy' to his room

Sees him off with a small kick

Of that boy we are getting quite sick

All: In lots of ways

Our house, in the middle of our street

Our house, in the middle of our...

(Song is interrupted by the doorbell)

Vernon: Who the blazes is calling at this time of night, and in the middle of our only musical number?

(He opens the door. Albus Dumbledore is standing there.)

Dumbledore: Good evening. You must be Mr. Dursley.

Vernon: Ah.

(Music fades out pathetically.)