A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Friday 23^rd June
11:30
Care of Magical Creatures

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

It is all around the school that Michael and I are going at it in secret!!!!!

My life is over.

I went downstairs this morning and there was a massive huddle of people in the common room. When I came down they looked all excitedly at me. I noticed that Lisa and Padma were in there.

"What?" I said.

"We know your secret, Keira," said Lisa, looking smug.

Panic! She knew I fancied Terry! Stay cool, stay cool.

"W-what secret?" I said, airily.

"Don't pretend you don't know," said Padma, who looked like she was about to wet herself. "You were caught out yesterday."

I frowned. I hadn't spoken to Terry yesterday.

"Caught what?"

"Caught in the corridor with your secret lover," said Emma Whittington. Stupid annoying fifth year. She barely even knows me. "Did you not notice that you were being watched?"

Then it hit me. They hadn't found out that I like Terry at all. They'd found out about the whole thing with Michael yesterday. And got the complete wrong impression.

"Michael is not my secret..." I began to say, but I was stopped quite abruptly by someone throwing themselves at me in a very painful hug.

"This is so brilliant!" said Lisa, happily, as I struggled for air. "Now we can go on double dates!"

Usually I would have told her that I think double dating is one of the tackiest things a person can do, but at that point I was more worried about convincing these people that there was nothing going on between me and Michael.

"Look, I'm not doing anything with Michael; it's just people getting the wrong impression!" I said, indignantly.

My protests fell on deaf ears, however. Everyone else was talking amongst themselves. About me. In front of me. I hate it when people do that. I felt like hexing their mouths shut but then I remembered that after that incident last year with Pansy Parkinson Professor Flitwick banned me from using that particular hex out of controlled circumstances.

Which is a shame really because it's extremely useful and I'm extremely good at it.

However, I decided that the best thing to do would probably to escape and find Michael. I didn't need to look hard. He was eating breakfast with Anthony in the Great Hall.

"Michael!" I said, my voice going all shrill like it does when I'm stressed out.

"You've heard, then," said Michael, not even looking up from his bacon.

"Yes, I have," I said. "As has the rest of the bloody school. You know it's not true, don't you?" I added, turning to Anthony.

Anthony raised an eyebrow.

"Despite what Michael or Terry may tell you, Keira, I am not a mindless moron who believes everything that teenage girls tell him," he said. "Especially when they tell me about one of my best friends."

"You're overreacting, Keira, it's just a rumour," said Michael, seemingly unperturbed by the whole thing. "We know it's not true. Our friends know it's not true. Stuff everyone else. Who cares?"

"I care!" I said. "I don't like it when people think they know things about me that aren't true!"

"Relax, Matthews," said Anthony, looking at me like I was having a spasm. Which I realised that I probably was. "It doesn't matter. Hardly anyone believes it anyway."

I frowned. Do they think I'm not good enough to get Michael or something?

Shut up, brain. I think I'm not good enough to get Michael.

It's something about boys. They don't seem to understand serious situations, i.e. people talking about you behind your back and forming potentially negative opinions. To me a rumour about me and a boy whom a) I don't fancy and b) is the best friend of the boy I do fancy is a serious thing. But to a boy? No. I don't understand them.

"If it helps, I've been denying it all morning," said Michael. "You may want to talk to your friends though. They didn't seem too happy."

Then I realised I'd forgotten all about Yasmin, Louise and Mandy. What a good friend I am. Not. I made my excuses and legged it. I found Louise and Mandy on our usual bench in the courtyard.

"Well, well, well," said Mandy, looking up at me, eyebrows raised. "Someone's got a Hell of a lot of explaining to do, haven't they?"

"It's not true!" I squeaked, as I had run all the way there and am not in what you'd call peak physical condition.

"Thought as much," said Mandy, triumphantly. "I knew Michael Corner wouldn't go for you."

"Oh, cheers."

"No offence, but he's...y'know, fit."

"And I couldn't get a fit guy? I went out with Adam Chambers."

"For what, less than a month?"

"He gave her flowers," put in Louise. "He keeps telling people that he made a mistake breaking up with her. And he's the one who was all jealous about this Michael thing."

"Oh bloody Hell!" I wailed dramatically. "I can't believe this is happening to me!"

"Oh no!" said Mandy, in mock horror. "A good-looking boy is in love with me! He's on the Quidditch team, gorgeous and sexy, a seventh year and only has eyes for me! My purse is too small for my money, everyone's jealous of my perfect hair, I can't find anywhere to put all my clothes and I keep getting lost in my palace! Oh, woe is me!"

"Shut up, it's not like that," I snapped. "I don't live in a palace."

"Keira, your father is an accountant," said Mandy, sceptically. "I've been to your house. It's got three floors. Your family are the dictionary definition of middle class."

"The top one's just an attic room," I said, indignantly.

"Your favourite food is humous."

"There's nothing wrong with humous!"

"The point I am trying to make, Keira, is to stop your whinging," said Mandy. "This rumour about Michael will do nothing but boost your credibility. Adam Chambers is cool and fit so don't moan about him liking you. Shut up about the way you look. You're evidently not so bad-looking coz you've had plenty of offers from guys, you just reject them all. I don't understand how you can complain about everything all the bloody time!"

"It's true," put in Louise. "You do have a pretty good life, Kee."

"I...I...I'm not sleeping with Michael Corner!" I said, not able to think of anything else to say.

"We know that," said Louise. "You don't have to persuade us."

"How many people know?" I asked.

"Eh, how many people are in this school?" asked Mandy.

"About 1000," said Louise.

"Ok," said Mandy, making her thoughtful face. "So that makes about 140 students in every year, the first to third years probably don't know, so that's 1000 minus 420 ... I'm going to make a guess at 580 people?"

"Crap," I said.

"It'll all blow over," said Louise. "It'll be fine. People here get really bored with old news. Something more interesting will come up really soon and nobody will be talking about you and Michael anymore."

"Could that happen at some point before Ancient Runes?" I said. "I've got that lesson with Te...loads of people I know."

"Just tell them that it's not true," said Mandy. "Surely it's obvious?"

Yeah. Like they'll believe me.

I hate everything. Especially Michael. And Lisa. Stupid Lisa.

2:15pm
Ancient Runes

T.B., I'm not with Michael. K.M.

Matthews! What a pleasant surprise, if not a little out of the blue.

I thought I'd tell you.

You don't need to tell me. You may have noticed this; Michael and I are quite close. You've probably not spotted it because we're quite subtle about it but we spend quite a lot of time with each other.

Shut up.

Sorry. It's just quite funny. Do you really think that I don't know that it's complete rubbish?

Well I don't know do I? I've just been telling everyone I can think of that it's all a lie. We didn't do anything in that corridor. He fell down and so did I and then people turned up and got the wrong idea.

I know. He told me. It sounded hilarious; I'm sad I missed it.

Nice to know that you find my pain funny.

Pain is a bit of an exaggeration. I'd describe it as mild discomfort rather than pain and I'm allowed to laugh at mild discomfort.

You suck. You don't deserve to be told the truth. I'm going to ignore you now.

2:17pm

I kind of hoped that he'd write back anyway. He didn't.

3:25pm
Arithmancy

Have been drafting Beatrice and Benedick style love notes from Su to Lisa and vice versa. So far it's proving harder than I would have expected to but I think it's not too bad.

Lisa,
Words can't express how I feel about you. In appearance you are beauty, in essence you are grace and in character you are sweetness. My heart breaks every day when I remember you belong to another who doesn't appreciate you as much as I do. If only you knew how much better for you I would be than he is. I promise you that I would treat you like the superior creature than you are.

Not bad even if I do say so myself. I must show Michael.

5pm
Common room

Michael laughed at me.

"You're a romantic at heart, aren't you, Matthews?" he said, chuckling. "Shame your romanticism isn't matched by eloquence. Superior creature...that's what girls want to hear."

"Shut up," I said, grumpily. "You do it if you're so clever. What do guys want to hear, then?"

"Honestly?" said Michael. "The ideal note for a boy to receive would say something like this." He sat down, scribbled a few things down on a spare piece of paper, and handed it to me.

"'Fancy meeting up for some no-strings attached sex?'" I said, disgusted. "Michael!"

"Sorry, but it's true," said Michael. "That's what boys like to know. That's what they want to hear if the girl's good-looking anyway. If it turned out to be from some minger it would be a bit gutting."

"That is so rude and sexist!" I said indignantly.

"I'm joking with you," said Michael, punching my shoulder. "We aren't totally emotionless, you know. We can be as romantic as girls. We're not all after sex and sex alone, you know."

"Well you criticise my writing skills," I said, grumpily.

"Only your romance writing skills," he said. "I don't know what you scribble in that diary all the time. It could be a fantastic novel for all I know. The bit about appearance, essence and personality was good; I just think it could do with some editing, that's all."

The final result was this:

Lisa,
Words can't express how I feel about you. In appearance you are beauty, in essence you are grace and in character you are sweetness. My heart breaks every day when I remember you belong to another who doesn't appreciate you as much as I do. If only you knew how much better for you I would be than he is. I would treat you the way you deserve to be treated, like the most special girl in the school.
???

"I wouldn't mind receiving that," I said, feeling quite pleased with myself. "I think it might work. Are we going to send one to Su from Lisa?"

"Uh, not yet," said Michael. "You have to find some way of getting that to Lisa without her finding out that it was you that wrote it."

"Easy," I said. "I'll go put it on her pillow. In fact, I'll go and do it right now. Back in a tick."

Michael snorted. "You're so keen it's unreal," he said. "Go on then."

I refrained from dashing up the stairs until I knew he couldn't see me at which point I ran full point up the stairs and accidently opened the seventh year dormitory door in my haste.

"Sorry!" I shouted, pulling the door closed again as Marietta Edgecombe and Sadie Anderson looked at me in surprise. "Wrong door!"

I distinctly heard one of them go, "Freak," as I ran across the hall to the right door. That's nice, isn't it? All I did was open the wrong door. I ran into the dormitory and put the note on Lisa's pillow. It didn't look very romantic so I used Severio to cut around the paper to make it the shape of a heart. It was a little bit raggedy around the edges but I think that gives it a nice, boy-made touch. I wished I'd written it on pink paper for that extra bit of cuteness but I don't think I actually own any.

I was scrabbling in Louise's trunk to see if she had any pink paper that I could copy the note onto and maybe some nice perfume that I could spray onto it when I heard someone walk in. Someone wearing high heeled shoes.

"Elodie?" I said, hopefully.

"Uh, no," said Lisa's voice. "It's Lisa, actually. You alright down there, Keira?"

"Uh, yes," I said. "Just looking for...uh...my slippers. What're you doing?"

"Just came up to paint my nails," she said, brightly. "My mum sent me this neon stuff; it's so cool. You can borrow it if you like."

What a bitch.

"Congratulations with the whole Michael thing, by the way," she said, smiling at me. "I've been thinking for a while that you two would make a really cute couple. I think most people guessed something was going on what with you guys hanging out all the time suddenly."

"We're not a couple!" I said, indignantly. "No one's listening to me!"

"But Jonathan Bradley told a load of us that he saw you two getting up to certain things in corridors yesterday," she said, grinning. Shut up grinning. "And the Ed Carmichael backed him up."

"They misinterpreted the situation," I said, hotly. "Michael and I have never had sex. We didn't do it last night, we didn't do it in that corridor, we've never done it. He fell down and then I fell down too."

"Oh. Well you can see where people would get confused," said Lisa. "Thinking about it I probably would've found out through Terry first or something so yeah, I get it."

She turned to her bed, presumably to fetch the nail varnish, and spotted the note.

"What's this?" she said, looking interested. Her face brightened. "Oh, that's so cute! It must be from Terry, I suppose." She picked it up. I saw her eyes scan it and her smile turned to a frown.

"From Terry?" I asked, innocently.

"No," said Lisa. "Well, it doesn't say, but it's basically telling me to dump him! Who would say something like that?"

"Is that all it says?" I said, hoping she wasn't going to take it the wrong way.

"No, it rambles a bit," she said. "That' just so..."

"Let me read!" I said, hastily, darting over to her and grabbing it. "Oh!" I said, with excellent acting skills. "This is so sweet! Someone must really like you, Lisa, to send you this."

"Really?" said Lisa, wrinkling her nose. "You think so?"

"Yeah!" I said, really convincingly. "I mean, it says you're the most special girl in the school, and that you're beautiful and sweet and graceful. I think that's really nice."

"That is nice," said Lisa, smiling a little bit and twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "But who do you think could have sent me this? Do they think I'm going to suddenly break up with Terry for some anonymous admirer or something?"

"Are you really serious about Terry then?" I asked, hoping the answer would be no.

She looked a bit thoughtful.

"I don't know," she said. "I'd like to be, I guess. But I don't know how he feels. He doesn't really talk much; he just listens and says funny one-liners occasionally. I like him but I don't know whether I like him enough to be 'serious' with him or whether I just like the idea of having a decent boyfriend for once, do you know what I mean?"

"Yes," I lied, although I was thoroughly confused. A simple, "No, I intend to break up with him and clear the way for you," would have sufficed.

"You're quite friendly with him, aren't you?" she said, turning to me. The hopeful, trusting look on her face made me feel bad. Really bad.

"Yeah, I guess," I said.

"Do you think you could talk to him for me?" she asked. "I don't know; just ask him whether he's really in a relationship place at the moment. I'd appreciate that. I don't want to be in something when the other person's not up for it."

Of course, this was the perfect moment for sabotage. I tell her that Terry told me that he's not in a "relationship place", she dumps him and then I can make my move and everyone lives happily ever after.

But I couldn't. I just couldn't. It's just so mean.

"I can try," I said, knowing full well that I was never going to do it. "He doesn't talk to me much any more, though. It's a bit awkward between us."

"Really?" said Lisa, looking genuinely surprised. "I thought you two had become really close this year. You've been spending so much time together."

"Yeah," I said. "It's kind of...changed though."

"Oh," said Lisa. "Do you know why?"

"No," I lied. "I don't."

"Do you want me to talk to him about it?" she asked. She breaks my heart. I wish she was a bitch so I could hate her and try to break up her relationship without feeling guilty. She has to be this lovely, thoughtful, generous person doesn't she?

"I'm ok, thanks," I said. "I can live."

"Well, if you're sure," said Lisa, shrugging. She turned back to the note. "I can't get my head around this. Who sent it to me?"

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe just someone who didn't want to leave their name. There's probably nothing sinister behind it."

"If I don't know who it is then I can't respond, can I?" she said, sounding worried. "How am I supposed to tell them to leave me alone or ask for more information or anything? Is it some kind of mean prank that someone's pulling?"

We were interrupted by Padma. She grinned at us both amicably.

"Hey," she said. "What's up, Lisa? Me, Terry and Anthony were wondering where you've got to. I thought you were going to put on nail varnish or something?"

"I was," said Lisa. She handed Padma the note. "Look at this."

Padma read it and frowned.

"I really recognise this writing," she said. "I can't pinpoint where from, though."

At this point I excused myself. I hurried down to find Michael. He was sitting on his own with a book. Terry and Anthony were sitting further away, presumably waiting for Lisa and Padma to reappear.

"Why aren't you with Terry and Anthony?" I asked, perching on the arm of Michael's chair.

"Sit there with them and their respective girlfriends?" said Michael, disdainfully. "No thanks."

"Anthony and Padma aren't a couple, are they?" I asked.

"As good as," said Michael. "I'm sure they will be soon. He's just got to get his act together and ask her out."

"Well everyone thinks we're a couple," I said, gloomily.

"One, I don't like how upset you seem about this fact," said Michael, sounding hurt. "You appear to be implying it would be awful to be associated with me and we all know that my love life is a lot more successful than yours."

"Hey!" I protested. I don't know why. It's true.

"Two, no one actually believes it. My friends don't, your friends don't and everyone else will realise that it's a lie because we and our friends will put them right. Three, you're overreacting to a rumour. No one is judging you, you melodramatic fool."

I couldn't think of an articulate comeback, so I responded with a simple, "Humph."

"Exactly," said Michael. "So, did Lisa find the note?"

As if on cue Lisa and Padma came bounding down the stairs, looking excitedly at one another. Terry and Anthony looked interestedly at them but they had obviously not mentioned it.

"Evidently," said Michael. "She seems appropriately excited about it."

"I hope it works," I said. "Now we have to drop subtle hints that it was Su sending the note."

"I'll do that, I think," said Michael.

"Just you?"

"Yes."

"Why not me?"

"No offence, Matthews, but you're not what I'd call the Queen of Subtlety. Your mouth doesn't always consult your brain before it starts to flap aimlessly. Charming as that habit doubtless is it can become rather a hindrance in times like these."

"While you're the epitome of tact, are you?" I said, tetchily.

"Quite," said Michael. "Don't take it personally, Matthews. Remember, I'm doing this for you. It's not for my own selfish needs."

"Yes it is," I said. "You're doing it so Terry will be happy and therefore be less grumpy."

"Yeah, but it's mainly for you," he said. "Believe it or not, there is actually a tiny dash of kindness and Christmas cheer in my cold, shrivelled heart of darkness. I've become quite fond of you, Matthews."

"Oh," I said, smiling despite myself. "Thanks."

He's an odd boy, but I like him.

Things to do

1) Further the plan so that Lisa dumps Terry.
2) Tell every misinformed person in the school that the whole thing with Michael was a big misunderstanding and that we are by no means dating.
3) Convince afore-mentioned people that I am not so hormonal that I am regularly overcome with animal lust and end up having sex with people in concealed corridors.
4) Find a charm that will make my fingernails grow.
5) Do Transfiguration homework.
6) Do Defence Against the Dark Arts homework.
7) Stop writing notes in lessons, especially to Terry and Mandy.
8) Try to find somewhere around here that doesn't send electronic objects mental so I can listen to my awesome birthday CDs. Maybe Hogsmeade is ok.
9) Write to my parents. They get annoyed when I forget.
10) Stop lusting after Michael, Anthony, Adam, Justin, Seamus Finnigan, Professor Firenze (phwoar) and any other relatively good-looking boy I see. Except Terry; that's allowed.