Harry Potter and the Brotherhood of the Besotted

Chapter 5: Mister Wheezy Can't Find Her

Pansy Parkinson lay on one of the narrow white beds in the hospital wing. Her face was badly bruised and her forearms were grazed. She was sobbing into her pillow and clutching a tattered piece of black fabric to her chest. Madam Pomfrey shook her head when she passed the bed. The girl had been brought up to her by the prefects, but refused to let her wounds be treated. When Madam Pomfrey had suggested that she might at least charm away some of her contusions, Pansy had merely sobbed even louder and moaned, "But my scars will be all I have to remember him by!" Madam Pomfrey suspected that it was going to be a very long weekend in the hospital wing.

Trying to pay less attention to the crying, the medi-witch levitated a jar of Gribble Weed back to the top shelf. Why couldn't Pansy just be sensible, like that nice, level-headed Miss Granger? Poppy Pomfrey thought. Her reverie was interrupted by the sound of large feet pounding up the stairs. A second later, Ron Weasley ran into the infirmary panting and urgently asked, "Is she here?"

"She's over there," Madam Pomfrey said, indicating Pansy's bed, "but she simply won't calm down."

Ron looked at Pansy with confusion. "No, I mean Hermione," he said to Madam Pomfrey.

"Oh," Madam Pomfrey replied airily, "she's already gone. I gave her something to chew on, so those hiccups should be clearing up any time now."

Ron's confusion increased. Hiccups? Maybe that was a side-effect of taking the antidote. He asked Madam Pomfrey, uncertainly, "So, she took the antidote then?"

Madam Pomfrey looked aghast. "Mr Weasley," she asked, "why would anybody as clever as Miss Granger want to take the antidote? Any student taking the antidote this early in the day would have no hope of passing the assessment task. For a brilliant scholar like Miss Granger, that would be a tragedy."

As Ron Weasley hurried back to the library, he reflected grimly that nothing could be as tragic as falling in love with Severus Snape.

The library table by the window, where Hermione normally sat, was now occupied by a group of seventh year girls holding a study group. Hermione wasn't sitting at any of the other desks, nor was she reading in the armchairs by the fire. Ron walked between the shelves looking for her and, reaching the Restricted Section, called out, "Anyone in there?" through the locked iron gate.

She wasn't anywhere. In desperation, Ron looked underneath the tables, much to the annoyance of the seventh years. He then walked back to Madam Pince's counter to ask for help, but, as it was a Saturday, she was not there.

Ron pulled open the large bottom draw of the librarian's desk, grabbed Madam Pince's assistant by the head, and plonked her on the desktop. A tiny sandwich dropped from her hands.

"Hi Bunty," Ron said. "Have you seen Hermione?"

"Mister Wheezy, sir," said the library elf in an affronted, squeaky voice, "don't you knows that Bunty is having Bunty's lunch break. Mister Wheezy is not respecting Bunty's elfish rights!"

Ron looked with irritation at the S.P.E.W badge that Bunty had pinned to her grubby rags. Hermione and Dobby the house-elf had been lobbying for elf rights for over a year now, and the movement was slowly gaining popularity among some of the more radical members of Hogwarts' elf community. Bunty danced with annoyance on the desk.

"If Miss Hermione Granger could see Mister Wheezy now, Miss Hermione Granger would be telling him to respect elfish rights!" Bunty squeaked angrily. "Miss Hermione Granger is a great witch. Miss Hermione Granger is Bunty's liberator. Bunty is only toiling on the top bookshelves, in the dust, till Miss Hermione Granger finds Bunty and makes Madam Irma Pince give Bunty an office!" With this, Bunty pointed to her desk drawer. "Now Bunty is Assistant Librarian, and Mister Wheezy must respect Bunty's elfish rights!"

"Keep your ears on, Bunty," said Ron, as he held her shoulders down to stop her hopping.

"That, Mister Wheezy, is unwanted physical contact!" Bunty screamed as she pushed Ron's huge hands from her shoulders. "Mister Wheezy is breaching Article 46 of the Elf Rights Charter. If the great Miss Hermione Granger could see Mister Wheezy now, Miss Hermione Granger would be telling him..."

"But the great Miss Hermione Granger can't be telling him, Bunty," Ron interrupted the elf, "because Mister Wheezy can't find her! Have you seen her?"

"Miss Hermione Granger is a wise and beautiful witch," Bunty said as she danced about. "Miss Hermione Granger honours Bunty by visiting Bunty's library every day. Miss Hermione Granger, graceful, wonderful witch, has been visiting Bunty's library just this morning. Mister Wheezy saw her."

"Yes, I know that, Bunty," Ron sighed in exasperation, "but have you seen her since then? I need to find her, she might be in trouble."

Bunty looked terrified. "Who dares to harm Miss Hermione Granger? What trouble waits for the noble, the honourable, the..."

Ron shook his head as he left the library. Why was every elf he met such a weirdo?

Ron made a brief, but fruitless search of Gryffindor Tower, where the common room was solely occupied by Ginny and her friends. The lunch bell rang as Ron was checking empty classrooms. He walked back to the Great Hall, hoping to find Hermione there, or at least to find somebody who had seen her. The Great Hall was far busier than it had been at breakfast, but a couple of things struck Ron as odd.

Firstly, Professor Snape was not eating at the High Table, nor was he anywhere else to be seen. A line of prefects blocked the door from the Great Hall that lead to the teachers' common room. In front of the prefects, stretching their necks to see past the human barricade, was a very large group of fifth year girls. Ron remembered seeing a picture in one of his comic books, The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle, of girls squealing and yelling at a Muggle pop concert. The young witches jostling each other outside the teacher's common room door were all acting exactly like those overexcited Muggle teenagers. Millicent Bulstrode, an enormous, unlovely Slytherin girl with a protruding jaw, was holding a framed photograph of the Hogwarts teaching staff close to her ample bosom. The picture of Snape in the photograph sneered and turned his back on the girl in disgust.

Every so often the prefects needed to step aside to let some teacher in or out, and each time they did the girls would scream and make a run for the door. Ron tried to look for Hermione in the hysterical mob, but thankfully could not find her.

Over near the High Table, people were also behaving in extraordinary ways. Professor McGonagall appeared to be enjoying herself hugely, as she nibbled on a piece of shortbread and waved to the fifth year boys who were wolf whistling and catcalling to her. The Professor was protected from her adoring public by a phalanx of the strongest prefects, standing to attention in a row in front of her table. Dean Thomas was standing toe to toe with this line of defence. He waved a small and smelly fish, which he had stolen from the school kitchens, above his head. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty," Dean cooed to Hogwarts' acting headmistress.

Seamus and Neville were sitting as close to the front of Gryffindor's house table as they could get, their eyes transfixed on Professor McGonagall. A package wrapped in flowery paper, with a heart shaped card stuck on top, was on the table in front of Seamus. Every so often he took his wand out and tried to levitate his parcel to the High Table, but each time he did a prefect caught it and handed it back to him. Neville was merely sitting very still with his mouth wide open, a tiny rivulet of drool dripping down his chin.

Ron thought better of sitting near Dean, Neville or Seamus. He looked around hopefully for Harry, but his best friend was nowhere to be seen. He couldn't help but notice Crabbe and Goyle as they came into the room, both wearing kilts and sporrans. Malfoy followed them at some distance, his head bowed in embarrassment. With reluctance, Ron sat down with Ginny and her fourth year friends and tried to behave as though nothing unusual was happening at all. Ginny told Ron that she hadn't seen Hermione anywhere, but Harry had been lolling around the Gryffindor common room just before lunch acting "silly." Ginny was full of questions for her big brother, but Ron decided it would be prudent to tell her nothing. He was relieved when the fourth year group left lunch early so they could walk down to Hogsmeade.

Sitting alone after lunch, watching Lavender Brown lead the girls in a chant of "Sev-er-us, Sev-er-us," Ron wondered what his course of action should be. He strongly suspected that Snape was hiding in the staff common room. Hermione was not part of Snape's fan club at the common room door. Therefore, Ron hoped, Hermione was not besotted with her Potions Master. Maybe it was safe for Ron to stop looking for her. He had just made up his mind to call off the search, when Gryffindor's Quidditch captain, Angelina Johnson, walked past and slapped Ron on the back.

"You'd better tell your mate Potter to be on time for Quidditch training for once," Angelina said. "I'll personally feed him to a Hungarian Horntail if he's late again, this is our last practice before Monday's game!"

Ron really doubted that Harry would be in a fit state to practice Quidditch that afternoon. Gryffindor was lucky that they were not playing Hufflepuff until Monday, with Slytherin and Ravenclaw taking the field on Sunday afternoon. Still, Angelina Johnson had a foul temper, so Ron thought he'd better head back to Gryffindor Tower and pass her message on.