A Tale Of Absolutely No Plot Whatsoever

Draco: [half in the background, as Hermione and Harry talk - however he is less backgroundy than Ron, whose rendition of 'I'm a little teapot' can no longer be heard clearly. But he's still doing the actions] Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The larch -

Hermione: What on earth is he talking about?

Harry: Monty Python.

Hermione: Well, yes, of course I knew that, but how on earth does Malfoy know about Monty Python?

Harry: Author.

Draco: The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girl by my side, we'd sing -

Hermione: Author?

Draco: - sing -

Harry: We're in a fic. We're all doomed to a short life of insane-osity.

Draco: -sing!

Hermione: Oh.

Draco: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day!
[in a slightly different voice] He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
He sleeps all night and he works all day!

[changes voice again] I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lavatory!
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea!

At this point, Ron stops singing 'I'm a little teapot' and thwaps Draco around the head with the pogo stick.

Ron: Shut up, Malfoy.

Draco: Wha?

Hermione: You were being made to sing the Lumberjack song by the Author.

Draco: The Author?

Hermione: According to Harry, yes.

Draco: Well, um, if the, uh ... Author is done making me sing nonsensical garbage -

Chorus of Monty Python Fans: IT'S NOT GARBAGE!

Harry: How did THEY get here?!

Hermione runs at the Chorus of Monty Python Fans, shouting 'GET OUT OF HERE, GET OUT!!' and whacks them with Harry's Firebolt until they fall out of the smashed window.

Hermione: Stupid Author.

Harry: Hey, my broom!

Ron: The broom is a sacred object!

Draco: AS I WAS SAYING...

They all look at him.

Ron: Oh, are you still here?

Draco: Unfortunately, yes.

Ron: Oh.

Draco: ANYWAY, as I was saying, if the Author is done making me talk nonsense -

Author: [shuffles feet] Sorree...

Hermione: [somewhat hysterical] You're the AUTHOR! You're not supposed to be IN the fic!! Get back to your AUTHARIUM and AUTH!!!

Author: Ok, Ok... [vanishes with a noise like many people shouting 'emu' not quite in unison]

Ron: I think maybe you should calm down a bit, Hermione.

Hermione: Calm down? Calm DOWN? CALM down? Your mum is A pineapple!!

Ron: Uh...

Hermione: [coughs] Anyway, what was it you were saying, Malfoy?

Draco: Erm... you're quite done with the shouting?

Hermione: Probably.

Harry: Just probably?

Hermione: Uh, definitely.

Harry: Good.

Draco: I can't actually remember why I came here now.

Hermione: Pogo stick accident?

Harry: Insanity? That does seem to be the order of the day here.

Ron: A desire to murder us all?

Draco: No ... although the last one is somewhat appealing.

Harry: Well, since you can't remember, I'd say it's probably insanity.

Draco: I'm sure it's not.

Hermione: Well, you were on a pogo stick wearing yellow leather trousers.

Draco: Stupid Author.

Author: [from Autharium] The trousers weren't my idea!

Hermione: SHUT UP!

Ron: [pats Hermione on the head]

-----------------------

Well, here we are at the end of another nonsensical chapter of gibberish! I was intending for some kind of plot-ish ness to occur in this chapter, but it didn't. Oh, and: Will anything INTERESTING ever happen? Why did Draco come here anyway? What exactly IS an Autharium? NOWT will likely be revealed in the next chapter!!