A Tale Of Absolutely No Plot Whatsoever

Harry: So you're sure you haven't a clue why you're here?

Draco: Of course I bloody haven't, otherwise I would be doing something about it!!

Ron: I suppose.

Draco: I hate that Author.

Ron: Me too.

Hermione: I REALLY hate her.

Draco: Pah, at least she didn't make you sing the Lumberjack song.

Hermione: She made me a Furby for nearly eight chapters of her last fic!!

Ron: And she made me get dragged around by my wrists for a lot of that as well! And bang coconuts!

Draco: Hang on, I may be changing my mind about this Author person.

Ron: Maybe we should lead an anti-Author rebellion!!

Hermione: That's the best idea you've had in years, Ron!

Ron: Whee! Go me!

Harry: [pats Ron on the head] I think it's a good idea too.

Draco: Hmm ... oh, OK. But my anti-author rebellion is in no way associated with yours, I just want to let you all know that.

OK, OK. This is NOT going as planned. You're not supposed to --

Harry: We can if we want! There's nothing you can do to stop us! I'll get you next time Batman! And your little dog too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!!!

Ron: You said it!

Harry: Omigod! I did!

Hermione: ARGH! The Author is evil! EVIL I TELLS YA!

Ron: You might want to calm down some, Hermione.

Hermione: Sorry. Let's find pitchforks.

Ron: Pitchforks?

Hermione: You use them in rebellions. We're going to poke her with them.

Harry: STAB her with them.

Hermione: That too.

I am really not liking this... not liking it at all... *waves magic Author-stick*

Everybody looks slightly bewildered.

Harry: Were we talking about pitchforks?

Hermione: I'm not sure.

Draco: Why precisely am I here?

Ron: Hey, has anyone seen Pig?

Harry: [shakes his head] Nyup.

Ron: Nyup? What's that supposed to mean??

Harry: No.

Ron: Oh. [he glances at Hermione] You don't think Crookshanks ate him do you?

Hermione: I forgot to tell you... Crookshanks exploded last night, he hasn't eaten anything since. [There is silence for a moment] Which would make sense, considering he's exploded.

Ron: He might make a miraculous recovery.

Harry: Is it just me, or is anyone else getting a sense of Deja Vu here?

Ron: Yeah...

Draco: And why am I wearing yellow leather trousers?

They all look at Draco.

Harry: Malfoy? What are YOU doing here?

Draco: Don't ask ME!

Harry: Erm... surely you know why you're here?

Draco: Haven't a clue. And these trousers are horrible.

Hermione: Well, if you don't know why, go away!

Draco: I mean, yellow leather trousers? Why would anyone want yellow leather trousers?

Harry: Go away.

Draco: They'd probably be nicer in blue.

Hermione: GO AWAY.

Draco: Or even green! But yellow??

Ron: Did you actually hear Harry and Hermione when they said 'go away'?

Draco: No.

Harry: GO AWAY!!

Draco: I heard that time!

Hermione: Are you going to go away then?

Draco: No.

Hermione: Why not?

Draco: I don't want to. This is a nice common room. It's much better than the Slytherin one. You know... I didn't want to be a Slytherin. I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!

Ron: A lumberjack? Why would you want to be a lumberjack?

Draco: I don't know.

Ron: If you don't know why you want to be a lumberjack, why is it your ambition?

Draco: It's not!

Ron: Erm... you don't by any chance have a large collection of Furbies do you?

Draco: What?

Ron: Never mind.

Hermione glances at Draco and looks confused.

Hermione: I'm SURE yellow leather trousers aren't part of the school uniform.

Draco nods agreeably.

Harry: ... so why are you wearing them?

Draco: I don't know! I've been wondering!

Harry: Um, if you say so.

Draco: I'm very, very confused about all this.

Hermione: And wearing yellow trousers.

Draco: Yes.

Ron: Why?

Draco: I can if I want! There's nothing you can do to stop me! I'll get you next -

Draco is abruptly cut off by Hermione throwing a paperweight in the shape of a cheese with holes in it at his head.

Hermione: I swear if I hear ANYONE say that again I will scream.

Harry: You've only heard it once.

Hermione: No, there was that time the author said it, and when Snape did it, and then Malfoy said it in the first chapter of this fic. And I'm pretty sure I've heard it other times too, but I can't remember them.

Ron: Yeah, but the first two times you were a Furby.

Hermione: Furbies aren't deaf you know! You're so prejudiced, just because they're not living and they're possibly the most annoying toy known to mankind -

Draco: No they're not! I like Furbies!

Hermione: Good for you, would you like to join -

Hermione is abruptly cut off by Ron throwing a paperweight in the shape of an orange at her head.

Ron: Good god, not again.

Harry: Wha?

Ron: Blimmin'Ermioneannerblimminorg'nisationsf'relpingthings'tneitherneednorwanthelpofanykind.

Harry: Um. Yeah.

Hermione: This is only the second one!

Ron: Oh, you expect us to have forgot about the Save the Belly Button Fluff Organisation?

Hermione: [chants and waves a little flag with BBF on it] Belly button, belly button, fluff fluff fluff!!

Harry: [shoving Ron angrily] Oh, you HAD to remind her about that didn't you?

Ron: Sorry.

Draco: Could someone please explain to me what's going on?

Ron: No, bog off Mr. Ugly-Trousers.

Draco: Look, I KNOW the trousers are horrible -

Hermione: You said before you wanted to wear them.

Draco: Ah, but BEFORE that, I said they were horrible.

Hermione: Wha?