Shiny and New: An Organic Experience

Chapter Three: Hanky Panky

Dumbledore (and just about everyone else in the castle) heard the cry for help. The old man rushed down to the dungeons and into the quarters of Severus Snape. Sirius saw him out of the corner of his eye and screamed desperately. "Come over here!"
Dumbledore tried very hard to hide his amusement at seeing Severus use Sirius in a way much like Muggle pole dancers used poles. "May I ask...?"

"After you get him off of me!" Sirius growled impatiently, ceasing to find the humor in Severus' little show.

Dumbledore shook his head with a smirk. "Severus, I think it's time to let Mr. Black be..." Severus paid no attention and continued on in the fashion of a muggle stripper. Dumbledore sighed and mumbled a few charms. Severus immediately jumped back from Sirius, horrified in no small way, silently sitting down in shock. "Now might I ask what that was?"

Sirius sighed, ashamed. "I, uh... I gave him a bottle of shampoo with the Madonna curse on it. There was a small modification to have him sing another song for a few days afterwards, but I never dreamed he'd ACT like Madonna..."

"Oh dear..." Dumbledore sighed. "Sirius, this is difficult indeed. The ministry JUST had a meeting on whether or not this particular curse should be classified as an unforgivable. They haven't decided yet, but... oh my..."

Severus looked up at the headmaster after clutching onto his ankles. "Help...me... I...need you to..." his voice immediately changed into singing. "Treat me like I'm a bad boy, even when I'm being good to you..."

Sirius gasped out words of thanks and praise to the deity that Severus was not on him this time.

Severus looked at him for a second, still hanging on the headmaster's legs. "I don't want you to thank me, you can just spank me. Mmm..."

Sirius fought hard not to snicker too hard. "Wow, Severus... no offense, headmaster, but I never thought I'd see a day where Sevvie here got so desperate as to..."

"Some guys like to sweet talk, and others, they like to tease..." he sang, sounding considerably more like Madonna than himself.

"Sirius, might I examine this... shampoo? I should like to see exactly how powerful you've decided to make the curse," Dumbledore said, trying to shake Severus off of him.

"Certainly, Professor, sir." Sirius continued to stifle his laughter as he went to the bathroom to get the bottle. He took out his wand and mumbled "Wingardium leviosa" to levitate it over to the older man, not wanting to touch it. Sirius noted the suds that remained on the bottle. "Professor, you might not want to..." Dumbledore grabbed the bottle out of the air. "...touch that. Oh no..."

Albus' eyes immediately glazed over slightly, as though he was in some sort of trance. 'Hmm... maybe Severus really DOES have the idea. After all... this IS quite nice...'

Severus continued singing, his spiffy pink boxers starting to seem a little too tight for Sirius' comfort, though Dumbledore didn't seem to mind much, as he was caught in a strange but apparently enjoyable reverie. "Tie my hands behind my back and, ooh, I'm in ecstasy..."Sirius' eyes widened in horror at the mental image. Unfortunately, both Albus and Severus appeared too busy to notice the way he was pointing his wand at his eyes as though to curse them out. "...before I get too cranky, you better..."

"Like hanky panky!" Sirius jumped back in shock as the headmaster's voice went from a low, slightly raspy voice with a gentle accent to an effeminate falsetto.

Severus sang back up. "Hanky panky!"

"Nothing like a good spanky!"

"Good Spanky!"

Sirius, eyes wide in horror, ran out of Severus' room and down the hall, past his own room to Minerva's room. He knocked loudly because he could still hear Severus and Albus singing. (Though he couldn't tell if it was all in his head or not)

Minerva, still green from her encounter with a nude, dancing, Severus Snape, opened the door. At the sight of Sirius, she glared and then...

BANG

The door slammed shut in Sirius' face. He stood, blinking at the door for a few moments before he turned and ran down the hall, screaming.

He ran past Flitwick's room, past Trelawney's room, and past Sprout's room. As he ran past Elaine Pince's room, she came to the door and told him to quiet down. Sirius stopped in his tracks, turned, stared at her for a few moments, then turned again and ran back down the hall, screaming again.

While all this with Sirius was going on, two students found themselves in the hall near the potion's master's room. Ron and Hermione had, earlier, been shocked and disgusted from a discovery including one certain cat, Crookshanks, and another by the name of Mrs. Norris.

Their intentions were good. They were heading for the Slytherin dorms where, for some bizarre reason, Harry had been spending most of his time. (Hermione had a hunch as to why, but she dare not tell Ron for fear that he would explode) She had spent the better part of the day trying to convince Ron that Malfoy did not have Harry under the Imperious Curse.

Unfortunately, to get to the Slytherin dorms, they had to pass Severus' rooms. As they walked by the open door, Severus launched himself at Ron, latched his arms around Ron's neck and sang: "I don't like a big softie; I like someone mean and bossy."

Ron tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to leap away from Severus. Because Severus' arms were so tight around Ron, all Ron did was cause himself to lose his balance and topple over onto the ground. Of course, Ron did not like this position at all. Not only was he sprawled out on the ground, but Severus was on top of him and very excited. "Hermione!" Ron squealed, "Help!"

Hermione was having her own issues, though, and could not help Ron. It seemed that Dumbledore had begun to feel the side effects of the curse as well and had begun to, well, help himself to a slice of Hermione Pie. "Please don't call the doctor," Dumbledore moaned out.

"'Cause there's nothing wrong with me," Severus sang, squirming against Ron.

Suddenly, the lunch bell rang. Slytherin students poured out of their common room, Harry and Malfoy at the head of the hoard of students.

At the sight of Severus, Albus, Ron, and Hermione, all the students stopped dead and fell silent. Harry exchanged a look with Malfoy and suddenly, as though their asses were on fire, they were off.