Shiny and New: An Organic Experience

Chapter Four: I Touch Myself

A few days passed and not many things worth mentioning happened. Well, there was that incident where Snape walked out in front of 5^th year Gryffindor/Slytherin potions in a clear poncho. And that staff meeting where Dumbledore proclaimed himself "Dita" and the dominatrix of the evening. And there was that thing with Harry and Draco... and Ron. Ron was there too. But that's a different story to be told on a different day. Anyway, on to the story!

Sirius had been paying dearly for his mistake, having to hear songs like 'Erotica' and 'Don't Cry for Me Argentina.' But the day he had been dreading the most came all too soon. The day that Severus Snape would utter those three fatal words... "I touch myself."

There was one consolation to be had. That day would be, after all, the final day of the curse. The shampoo would be free of its horrible magical properties...

And Sirius would be free of the constant and intense leg humping from both the headmaster and the potions master.

Snape awoke that fateful morning, a strange sort of twinkle in his eye. Dumbledore, of course, also had a twinkle in his eye. But not the same twinkle he always had, no, this twinkle was more insane, more manic, more diabolically perverse than any twinkle previously seen in Dumbledore's eye. (Well, there was that time with Dobby... never mind!) The first thing on his mind was to get up and put on a pair of spiffy pink boxers. He suddenly was, in the midst of putting on the said boxers, possessed with the urge to sing. "I love myself!" he sung out, attempting to skip around with his boxers around his ankles, "I want you to love me! When I'm feeling down, I want you above me!"

Sirius, who was staying just down the hall from Severus, was awoken by the sound a feminine shriek and a loud bang. Minerva, who thought the curse must be over by now, ran to see what was wrong.

She opened the door and Severus, who had conveniently fallen right next to the door, pulled her down on top of him. "I search myself, I want you to find me," he sung, grinding into her. Her eyes widened in shock and her face turned green. She tried to jump up but Severus' grip was too strong.

"Severus!" she screamed, "Let me go!"

Sirius ran down the hall in his pyjamas and skidded to a halt in front of Severus' open door. He stood there in complete shock of the situation: there, in the middle of Severus Snape's bedroom was a nude Severus and a scantily clad Minerva. Horrified, Sirius ran the other way. "I forget myself, I want you to remind me," Severus called after him.

(A/N: Here lies our homage to the exceptional OoCness in our fic. We'll thank anyone who wants to 'remind' us of the characters to do so in a non flame like form.)

Minerva struggled madly. "Oh, HONESTLY, Severus... couldn't you find someone ELSE to torture???"

Just then, as everyone else had already investigated the room, Dumbledore felt the needed to join the party. "I don't want anybody else..." he sang out.

Severus grinned a proud grin. "When I think about you, I touch myself."

Minerva found some sort of unnatural strength within herself, at that moment, and pushed herself, with great force, away from Severus...

And right into Albus.

She let out an ungodly screech upon seeing the wrinkly (and very much naked...) man's triumphant expression.

"Oh, I don't want anybody else... oh no, oh no..."

"OHHH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" She screamed, her terror filled shrieks echoing off of every wall in the dungeon.

Severus grinned cheekily and directed a very rude and sexually explicit (read: NC-17 worthy) gesture towards Minerva. "You're the one who makes me spunk, honey..."

Dumbledore twirled merrily. "You're the sun that makes me shine..."

"Shiny and NEW!" Sirius cried, an army of men behind him. He led them marching in, ready to attack...

...this, however, only encouraged the oh-so dreaded leg humping.

Severus looked at a few of the men in disdain. "When I'm with you, I'm always laughing..." he pranced over to Sirius and grinned, tracing his finger down the frightened man's jaw. "I wanna make you mine..."

Just then, a figure with long, shiny blonde hair emerged from the throng of men brought in, now either too weak to bear the sight, or too violated to continue. "I'll save you, Sirius!" cried Lucius Malfoy, assuming the universal super hero pose.

Dumbledore spotted Lucius and developed a dazed grin. "I close my eyes and see you before me..."

"Think I would die if you were to ignore me..." Severus purred, licking Lucius' neck while still straddled over Sirius' left leg.

To the surprise of everyone in the room who had been violated by the Professor previously, the countenance of Lucius went not to one of horror, from his "super hero face", but, rather, to a large grin.

Severus grinned and widened his stance so that, in addition to occupying Sirius' left leg, he got a good bit of Lucius' right leg as well. "A fool could see just how much I adore you..."

Lucius grinned and tangled his hands in Severus' hair.

"I get down on my knees," Severus sang, sliding down Lucius' body and finding a place on his knees, in front of Lucius, on the floor, "I'd do anything for you..."

"Ohhh... bring it on, Sevvie..." Lucius groaned

Just then, a sort of silvery light encompassed the room. A few seconds passed as everyone looked on in awe and then...

It was gone.

Silence filled the room and Severus blinked a few times, looking around. Dumbledore was slightly less disoriented, having gotten quite used to waking up naked in strange rooms over the years. "What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On. Here?"

Lucius' face fell. He had wanted Snape badly, too. Oh, how he pined for Snape to... well, there's a time and place for that story, and this is not it.

"It's a bit of a long story-" Sirius said, trying hard to get away from Severus without him actually noticing. It didn't work. Severus grabbed onto Sirius' collar (which was quite a feat, actually, because Severus was on his knees...) and pulled Sirius down to his height.

"I've got all the time in the world," Severus growled.

After a quick recap of the weeks events, starting with the idea and ending with, well, Sirius telling a story, Severus was ready to kill the poor ex-convict.

It had taken three straight jackets and five pairs of foot shackles to keep him from Sirius. "What I would like to know, Sirius," Albus asked, pulling lightly on Severus' chains, "Is how the curse was broken."

Minerva made an indignant noise. "Isn't it obvious, Albus?" she asked, "Someone enjoyed it."

All eyes turned to Lucius. "What?" he asked irritated. "I just want some man j-"

"That's quite enough out of you, that is!" Severus exclaimed, lunging for Lucius. Luckily for Lucius, Albus was still holding tight to Severus' chains and he managed to hurt no one but himself.

"All right," Albus said jovially, "But why, then, Sirius, didn't Remus go through this horrid cycle of events when you were testing the shampoo on him?"

Sirius stammered. "Well... er... I.... Don't know?"

"Bloody hell!" Severus exclaimed, falling onto his back, "Black's a bloody pouf!"

And then, at what was possibly the worst time for him to decide to visit, Remus Lupin walked into the room. "You make me feel all shiny and new..." he sung under his breath. "Hello, all," he said, smiling at the occupants of the room.

fin.

Post-Fic Advertisement:

If you enjoyed "Shiny and New", look for the Companion Fics, "I Am the Lizard King" and "Why JKR Hired Us -or- how PoA became PoRN"... plus what could be much, much more spiffiness from the sick and twisted minds of J&B at 5AM. Who knows?

~Jayde and Bre.