J R

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all met in Diagon Alley for an afternoon of shopping, pleasure and companionship prior to their returning to Hogwarts for the sixth year. Ron, ever hungry, suggested their first stop was Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor. Harry, knowing Ron's continual state of affairs suggested it was his treat and Ron could go crazy.

Ron ordered a giant chocolate sundae with every topping in the shop. Harry ordered a double scoop of seven flavors chocolate swirl. Hermione settled for a delicate raspberry sherbet.

While the boys were eating, Hermione started reading the Daily Prophet.

"Whoa!" she exclaimed. "I can't believe this!"

Looking at each other, both Harry and Ron said, "What!"

"It says Professor Snape, quite the snappy dresser, has been chosen over several other candidates to be the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher." She continued, "Professor Snape, head of the Slytherin House, the greatest house of Hogwarts, is an outstanding Potions teacher. He accepted his new job with great reluctance and humility. His immaculate dressing and his clean and tidy appearance will inspire confidence in all the students at Hogwarts."

The three friends looked at each other in astonishment. Harry was the first to speak. "Our Professor Snape?"

"Apparently so," said Hermione.

"No way!" said Ron.

"It is all here in black and white," replied Hermione.

They all looked at the moving picture of Snape. He looked good with his hair styled and some nicely tailored robes.

As they walked down to Flourish and Blotts to get the books for their sixth year at Hogwarts they discussed the news.

"Blimey!" mumbled Ron. "This is unreal. The Snape I know is quite short on hygienic appeal. He has never worn anything but black. He loves to browbeat every student in every other house, but Slytherin. Not only that, he hates Harry. "

"Listen to this," commented Hermione. "His elegant and friendly personality makes him a favorite among the Hogwarts students."

"I think I am going to hurl," said Harry turning a little green. "Whoever is writing that is sadly misinformed."

About this time Goyle, a Slytherin of the same year, walked by and touched a finger to his hat. "Be seeing you a lot this year Hermione, hugs and kisses."

Hermione was speechless.

Ron remarked, "So, you have a boy friend! I severely question your judgement."

Hermione was obviously annoyed. "Ron Weasley, I am in no way, shape, or form even remotely attracted to the baboon's butt, who waved at me. A troll at least knows how to feed itself."

Ron was going to respond, but Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode walked by and nodded to Ron.

"Oh! Ron, we are going to have such a romantic year," remarked Millicent, fluttering her eyes at him. "Pansy and I are looking forward to your tender attentions." Millicent blew Ron a kiss.

"Move over Harry," said Ron. "I think we are going to have to fight over who gets to hurl first."

"Well, Ron, you didn't tell me about the other love interests in your life!" cracked Hermione.

"Hum," said Harry. "Wait a minute Ron, Hermione. There is some thing definitely wrong here. Things are all whacked. We know each other fairly well, whom we like and whom we don't. The way things look to be going is totally different from what we know of the past. I wonder if Voldemort has found a way to change the future. Things are getting really bizarre. I think I know where to find the answer."

Entering the book store Harry said, "Hermione, would you and Ron collect the books I need for this year? I need to do some searching for a special book."

Ron and Hermione quickly found the books they and Harry needed according to the Hogwarts list. Harry was up and down all over the bookshelves looking for something. Finally he shouted, "Come over here I found it."

As Ron and Hermione approached he nodded to them and spoke. "It is as I suspected. This is a copy of Harry Potter book six, The Grand Adventures of Harry Potter and Severus Snape. We are just beginning the sixth year. How can someone know what is going to happen? Perhaps Voldemort has found away to write our futures. Let's see what it says."

Flipping through the book Harry stated, "Well, I am going to be killed and not have a girlfriend."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron.

"Well, in the first chapter I am killed by decapitation, in the fourth I die from being sliced up by a hippogriff, in the last chapter Hagrid's brother stomps me into mush, and if I didn't know better I would say someone had been reading the prophesies I wrote for Professor Trelawney," he said.

"How can you be killed three times?" asked Hermione.

"Apparently I can pop right back up from the grave," replied Harry. "Oh! No! Professor Umbridge invites me to her office. She is trying to make up for her previous evil behavior towards me. She's wearing a frilly hot pink teddy. She's chasing me around the room trying to kiss me. My goodness, she looks like a toad in a house slipper." Harry looked up from the book and swallowed hard. "I think I would rather not go back to school."

"Is there anything in there about me?" asked Ron.

Looking back down at the book, Harry replied, "Yes, you make captain of the Quidditch team and you are very popular with the girls."

"All right," said Ron.

"Ha!" commented Hermione.

"Apparently you are quite attracted to Slytherin girls," replied Harry. "You get detention for getting caught smooching on Pansy Parkingson in the halls. While in detention you get more detention for getting caught smooching on Millicent Bustrode!"

"Ack!" exclaimed Ron, turning a moldy color of green. "Have you ever seen Millicent working on a salad? It reminds me of a cow grazing on grass." Gulping fiercely, Ron looked at Harry. "I think I am going to have to go outside."

"Wait there is good news," said Harry. "You finally settle down with the Patil twins. Both of them at the same time."

"Wow!" exclaimed Ron. "They are both beautiful."

"Bad news though," said Harry. "One of them is secretly a Death Eater and you can't tell them apart. Try to stay with the one who isn't trying to stab you with her poisoned hairpin."

By now Ron was white as a sheet. "Maybe I will just stay with Hermione. She's not that bad looking if she would do something with her hair and if she gets her front teeth shortened."

Hermione exploded, with one hand on her hip and the other jabbing Ron in the chest, she screamed in his face. "Ron Weasley, I am not with you. Nor will I be your play toy of last resort. You better treat me with respect or I will be stabbing you in the butt with a poisoned hairpin while you are grazing the Slytherin salad bar with your favorite cow."

Harry looked sadly at Hermione. "It is not going to be a problem. You are going to be dating Goyle."

"What?" screamed Hermione. "I am not going anywhere with that gorilla. He can't even butter toast without help. The only way he knows how to use a book is to kill bugs."

"Calm down Hermione, you haven't heard the best part," said Harry quietly.

"Harry, you and Ron move over, I think I am going to hear something which is going to make me hurl," said Hermione strongly.

"Over Christmas vacation you and Goyle go to the beaches on the South of France. Both of you are sitting on the sand looking at the waves. He has on a black beret, dark sunglasses, and is smoking a cigarette. You are wearing a very skimpy bikini. Man, I like that bikini. I didn't know you had such a nice figure," said Harry. Blushing Hermione tells Harry to get back to the story.

"Well, Goyle tells you he needs some sun on his backside and he rolls over on the sand. He is wearing a thong."

With a loud thump Ron and Harry looked down. Hermione was passed out cold on the floor. "Let's get her outside," said Harry. The two of them carried her over to a table at the ice-cream parlor and sat her down. As Harry fanned Hermione, the Patil twins walked by.

"Hi Ron," they said together. "We're looking forward to seeing you this year." They giggled.

Ron noticed both of them had a butterfly pin in their hair and one of them was stroking hers lovingly.

"Harry, I think we three need to seriously think about moving to Romania and living with my brother Charlie,' remarked Ron.

Hermione looking drained of energy finally regained consciousness. "I am sorry Harry, the mental image was just too much, something very wrong is going on."

"Voldemort is behind this," reflected Harry. "Somehow or another he has been able to influence J K Rowling."

"Who is J K Rowling?" asked Ron.

"She is the lady who writes about our adventures. We are just puppets of her imagination. If Voldemort devised a way to influence her, he could dictate the story of ours lives any way he wanted!" commented Harry.

The three friends were silent each looking at each other and wondering how this was all going to end.

J K Rowling sat up in bed. She stretched and yawned widely, the morning sun sparking in her long golden blond hair. "Whew!" she thought to herself. "I shouldn't have had that last glass of brandy. It made me very sleepy. I wonder how far I made it on the next Harry Potter adventure?"

Gliding over to her computer, she looked at what she had written the night before. "Oh! No! What have I done? This can't be true. I couldn't have written this!" She tried desperately to delete the pages on her word processor, but the program wouldn't allow her.

In a dark corner of the room where was a slight snicker. Fashionably dressed Professor Snape was hiding under an invisibility cloak. "Ho! Ho! Ho! J K you shouldn't pass out from a sleeping potion while your computer is on. You never know who might be lurking in the shadows. It serves you right. Nasty attitude my foot. Greasy hair, total lack of hygiene, never getting the job I want, and those brats always getting the best of me. Harry Potter, welcome to a life of hell," he gloated to himself.

J K was screaming and crying and pulling out her hair in large wads. "This can't be! There is only one thing I can do. I will lose everything, but I can start over again." Walking over to the computer she jerked the electrical cord out of the wall.

"No!" screamed Snape as he disappeared with a loud pop.

"How did I ever get this job?" Snape asked himself, a furrow on his brow and a frown on his face. He was sitting in the play area of a kindergarten class and young kids were climbing all over him.

A young girl with bushy brown hair and large front teeth, a flaming redheaded boy, and a blackheaded boy with a scar on his forehead asked him, "Mr. Ape will you read us a Harry Potter story?"

"Ack!" He screamed long and hard.