Siofra and Company Reloaded

"Okay, now that we've taken care of that girl," Brianna said, "we have important issues to deal with."

"Yes," Siofra agreed. "Like the fact that John Kerry would run this country based on poll numbers if he ever got elected. He cares way too much about what people think, and way too little about what's right! And he thinks he's always right! He can't admit he's wrong! Even if he falls down when he skis, he blames it on a secret service agent who supposedly tripped him! He'll just deny he ever made any mistakes and his denials and flip flops will cause pointless deaths. If he makes a mistake in the war, he won't admit he's made a mistake quickly enough to correct it before our soldiers get killed!"

Everyone stared at her. If it hadn't been daylight, the author is sure there would have been crickets chirping.

"Actually, I meant sleeping arrangements," Brianna said.

Siofra blushed. "Right, I knew that."

"Uh huh," Brianna said. "But, anyway, onward we go. Where's everyone sleeping?"

"No boys at Siofra's house," Alex said promptly. "At least not without chaperones."

"Chaperones?" Siofra said. "I suppose you mean yourself?"

"No," Alex replied. "I was thinking more along the lines of approximately seventy-two Navy SEALS with infrared cameras and lots of coffee."

"You are way too overprotective, did you know that?" Siofra asked.

"I prefer to think of myself as open-mindedly challenged," Alex informed her haughtily.

"There you go thinking again when you're not equipped for it," Siofra drawled.

"There will be no ripping off John Wayne in this fic," the author's voice boomed.

Siofra glared at the sky. "Why you little - "

"There will also be no insulting of the author," the voice interrupted.

"So, what, I'm not allowed my free speech any more?" Siofra demanded.

"Nope," the author said cheerily. "None whatsoever. In fact, just take that whole Bill of Rights and rip it right up, as it doesn't apply in this fic."

"That's sick and wrong!" Siofra shouted.

"Yes it is," the author said. "Now get used to it. This conversation is over."

"You're so off your bloody onion!" Siofra hollered at the sky. Passerby rolled their eyes as if they were already used to her insanity. Which they were.

"Shut it, Garrett," Siofra shot at one boy who was smirking at her. "I am perfectly free to shout at the sky if I so choose. Go get a haircut, why don't you?"

Garrett ran off crying.

"I thought you used to like him," Kiara said curiously, watching Garrett's retreating form.

"I did," Siofra said, still keeping a suspicious eye on the sky. "That's not something I wish to discuss at the present time."

"Fine then," Deirdre piped up, having randomly come out of the woodwork just to annoy Siofra. "Let's talk about Rob."

Siofra would like to point out that Deirdre lives two hours away. There is no plausible reason for her to be in B-Town getting on Siofra's nerves. The author would like to point out that she does...not...care.

"Let's don't talk about Rob," Siofra said. "Never again shall we discuss him."

"I thought - " Kiara started, but was cut off by a glare from her best friend. Apparently her best friend was in a horrid mood. Deirdre rhapsodizing about Rob generally did that to her.

"Come on," Deirdre wheedled. "You know you love him."

"I don't know him that well," Siofra pointed out, crossing her arms and preparing to do battle. Not a week went by when Deirdre did not try to have this conversation with her.

"So?" Deirdre said. "You're a people reader. I bet that, if threatened with torture, you could come up with a list of ten things you know about him."

Siofra thought about this for a moment. "He likes to hang around his house on Saturday mornings and play the guitar shirtless?" she offered.

"That's very true," Deirdre commended her. "See? I knew you could do it."

"That's one thing, Deirdre," Siofra said. "And pretty much all I know about him, aside from the fact that he's totally ruined Daniel Radcliffe for me. All the girls love Danny boy, but he's forever ruined for me."

"Why is that?" Katy asked curiously.

"Because this Rob guy looks just like him," Siofra said. "Except cuter. And taller. And buffer. And plays more guitar. Shirtless."

"I'll take him," Katy said, pulling out a piece of paper and a pen. "How do you get to his house?"

Deirdre looked excited. "You turn down Sleepy Hollow, take a right at the four-way stop..."

"No," Siofra interrupted darkly. "Don't even joke about it. Deirdre's tried to set him up with all my friends."

"Me next!" Katy called, raising her hand and jumping up and down. "Come on, Siofra, please? He sounds divine."

Siofra chuckled. "No."

"Why not?" Katy whined.

"Because I enjoy tormenting you," Siofra said.

"That's not why," Kiara said in a sing-song voice. "I know why."

"You know, I've got some interesting Leather and Libraries parallels that I'd like to share with the world," Siofra said casually.

"On second thought," Kiara said hastily, "I don't know why. In fact, I think I'm coming down with something." She grabbed her forehead and moaned dramatically, "I feel...so dizzy..."

"That's better," Siofra remarked. "Weren't we discussing sleeping arrangements?"

"Remus, Ron, Harry and Draco can stay with me," Katy said enthusiastically.

"Harry's not even here yet," Siofra reminded her.

"Yes he is," Katy said, pointing. "He appeared sometime during the conversation about that Rob fellow."

"Hi, Harry," Siofra said.

"Siofra," Harry replied. "What on earth am I doing here?"

"The same thing we all are," Siofra said. "Hanging around until the lovely author decides to let us run back to our regular lives."

Harry commenced banging his head against a convenient wall.

"So, Drew, you've been uncharacteristically silent," Siofra said. "Which is good. But how many free beds do you have at your house?"

"I don't BEEEEEP know," Drew said, shrugging his shoulders.

"I have an idea," Kiara said.

"I thought you were sick," Brianna said.

"Oh, would you look at that?" Kiara said. "I've made a full recovery! It's a miracle! Praise the lord!"

"Shut up and tell us your idea," Brianna said.

"I can't very well do both," Kiara reminded her. "But here's my idea: Mum and Dad are conveniently out of town. So let's have a huge sleepover at my house!"

"Your parents are out of town?" Siofra asked skeptically.

"The author, I think, had something to do with that," Kiara said. "So what do you think?"

"Your house is big enough, if no one minds sleeping on the floor," Siofra mused.

"Which they won't, if they know what's good for them," Kiara said, glaring around at everyone. Those assembled quickly nodded their assent.

"So let's go on ahead," Siofra said. "We're off to Kiara's house." She stopped, and looked around at the crowd of people. "Let's take the Knight Bus."

*

Later, At Kiara and Brianna's House...

After picking up Ginny whilst waiting for the Knight Bus, they rode said bus to Kiara's house.

"Okay, so Ron and Hermione can share your room, Kiara," Siofra began as they trooped into the house. "Harry and Ginny can..."

"Oh, no you don't!" Kiara cried. "You are not using this fic to induce shippiness!"

"Why not?" Siofra pouted.

"We're all going to sleep in the living room," Kiara said firmly.

"There's almost twenty of us," Siofra pointed out. "It's going to be a bit crowded, don't you think?"

"Crowded equals chaperoned," Alex pointed out. Siofra rolled her eyes.

"Fine, we'll all sleep in the living room," Brianna agreed, walking in there. "Do you have any blankets we could use?"

"For Salazar's sake, Neil," Siofra exclaimed, addressing Kiara's brother. He was currently laying on the couch reading a book. "Put on a shirt, why don't you? There are girls in the house."

"You don't count," Neil informed her, not looking up from his book.

"Yes, but I think Hermione, Ginny, Tonks, Katy and Ria do count," Siofra retorted, gesturing to the aforementioned girls, all of whom were currently staring avidly in Neil's direction.

Neil glanced over at them. "Okay, you might be right." He then left the room, presumably to make himself presentable. Let's hope so, anyway. The author doesn't want the entirety of her female cast (excluding Neil's sisters) incapacitated for the remainder of the fic. She has jokes planned!

Kiara eyed the girls who were unrelated to Neil. "Y'all might want to wipe the drool away now."

"Who was that?" Tonks breathed.

"That was no one," Siofra said. "It most certainly wasn't Charlie Weasley, so therefore it doesn't matter."

"For all I know, it could be," Tonks said with a shrug. "I've never met Charlie Weasley."

"Charlie?" Katy said, looking strangely at Siofra. "What about dear Moony?"

"I say it's MetaDragon," Siofra said. "But that's just me."

"Interesting," Katy said with a thoughtful look.

"Wait a second," Siofra said suddenly. "Did we lose Deirdre?"

Everyone looked around. No one saw Deirdre.

"Where'd she go?" Siofra asked.

"Dunno," Kiara said. "Want to call her?"

Siofra walked over to the telephone and punched in some numbers. "Deirdre?" she said when it picked up on the other end. "Where are you?...No, we were just wondering...Why not?...You and your secrets. Well, are you coming to Kiara's?...Bringing whom?...Why must you keep things from me?...Fine then, see you later." She slammed the receiver down and glared at the telephone.

"Where is she?" Kiara asked.

"She's not saying," Siofra sighed. "And she's bringing someone with her, as if we need more people here."

The author would like to take this moment to cackle in a distinctly evil mastermind-like manner. Siofra is so going to pay for that "off my onion" comment. This fic is so taking new directions now. I was going to be nice, but no...she had to imply non-nice things about my sanity. We can't have that.

Siofra would like to ask what the author is rambling on about. The author would like to continue her evil laughter and not answer.

"Hey!" Alex shouted suddenly. "You with the stupid blonde hair! Yeah, you...back away from the cousin!"

He meant, of course, Tom. Draco was otherwise occupied with Ria. Yes, I know that Tom Felton cut all his lovely hair off. And I do...not....care.

Siofra turned to glare at Tom. "Back away from the telephone, buddy. Alex may be blinded by his protectiveness of myself, but I can see right through that. Don't think you're getting a call through to anyone, you so aren't charging a ring across the pond on my best friend's phone bill."

Tom glowered at her. "You are a control freak."

"Yes, I am," Siofra said on a sigh. "But even if you could get a call through, the author wouldn't let anyone pick up."

"So I'm trapped?" Tom said desperately. "And you won't even let me fish!"

"I'll take you in the boat tomorrow, I swear," Siofra promised.

"You can't even drive," Kiara pointed out. "You don't turn sixteen for another seven months, and you can't steal your dad's truck."

"Hey, Neil!" Siofra hollered into the depths of the house. "Can I borrow your truck? I promise I'll fill it up with gas when I'm done!"

" Sure. Crash it and you die," Neil replied, walking into the room. Thankfully, he'd donned an adequate amount of clothing. Tonks looked highly disappointed.

Siofra shrugged at Kiara, who was currently gaping at her brother as if he was off his onion. Which he probably isn't. But people seem to think I am. Yes, I am still sore about that. But I digress.

"The author likes to make things convenient for me," Siofra said. Oh, that's what she thinks. Ignore the evil cackling coming from the general direction of my person.

"That's so not fair," Brianna said irritably. "He doesn't even let me drive that thing."

"He wouldn't let me drive it either, if the author's world made any sense," Siofra said, patting Brianna on the arm. "But the author happens to think Neil's truck rocks, so I get to drive it."

"Blatant favoritism," Kiara said indignantly. "The author likes you the best!"

Come on, people, you should so be used to the evil cackling by now. But Siofra is right about the truck. It rocks my socks off. Really. I'm sighing in delight at the thought of said vehicle. It's a great truck. White and blue short-bed, with the...and now I'm getting back to the story...

"Blankets," Siofra said suddenly. "We need blankets. Let's settle down for the night, as I have a feeling we aren't getting released from this insanity any time soon."

"Yeah, let's do that," Kiara said. "We'll get the blankets, everyone else have a seat."

Since Siofra and Kiara were somewhere in the depths of the house, they didn't see Deirdre walk in with her mysterious guest. They heard the sound of a voice that was, to Siofra, chilling familiar.

Siofra let out a horrified gasp, and Kiara turned to look at her inquisitively from behind the pile of blankets she was currently holding. Siofra had abruptly turned white.

"I'm going to kill Deirdre," she muttered. "Dead. Murdered. Stabbed. Shot. Eviscerated. Strangled..."

"Okay, that's enough," Kiara said. "No more listing the ways you'll kill your sister, at least not until you tell me why."

"Ahem, we have a visitor," Katy said, entering the room with a swagger. "A visitor that is currently freaking out Daniel Radcliffe because of the strange resemblance between them."

"Pshaw," Siofra said. "Rob's much cuter."

Kiara raised her eyebrows at her.

"That's not what I meant," Siofra insisted. "I meant that, in a purely aesthetical fashion, Rob is much better looking than Danny boy. I didn't mean that his looks had any effect on myself."

"Uh huh," Kiara said. "Well, let's go, I want to meet him."

"That's what I was afraid of," Siofra muttered.

They both carried the blankets quickly into the living room, followed by Katy, and tossed them unceremoniously beside the couch.

"Hey, Rob," Siofra said, in a perfectly even tone of voice. One would think she hadn't spent any time being teased mercilessly about him a mere forty-five minutes before. Siofra is a bang up actress.

"Hey, Siofra," Rob replied brightly. "You're the one that knows all those big words, right?"

Siofra grinned. "That's me."

"Deirdre said y'all needed some music for this little party." He held up his guitar case, and Kiara's smirk grew even wider, for some inexplicable reason.

"It's not a party," Siofra said. "It's a fiasco."

"Yeah, Deirdre told me about the hilarious author who's messing with us," Rob said, nodding his head.

"Sadistic is more like it," Siofra said, rolling her eyes. Oh yes, she'd like to say, she knows exactly why Rob is here. And she's very sorry about the 'off your onion' comment. The author would like to reply that it's much too late for that.

"Well, since you're here so conveniently," Con said, smirking, "let's have some Dashboard Confessional."

Siofra would like to ponder the reason that everyone in the world has suddenly developed a Draco Malfoy complex and started smirking uncontrollably.

"Sure," Rob said, pulling his guitar out of his case.

Oh, no, Siofra groaned inwardly. Don't do that. Put the guitar down and back away, please!

A bit of explanation, the author feels, is in order. Siofra would like to disagree, as there is no reason to air her secrets before the world. The author would like to say that she abuses her omnipotence at every opportunity. I'm off my onion, after all.

Anyway, on to the explanation. Siofra has one weakness. That one weakness is guitars. Any guy with a guitar is completely irresistible to her. Donald Trump (or, for you Brits, Tony Blair) could pick up a guitar and Siofra would think they were hot.

So, as Rob picked up his guitar and prepared to launch into a song by Siofra's favorite band outside of Linkin Park, the author would like to chuckle evil mastermindedly.

Siofra would like to inquire if she's had enough punishment for the 'off your onion' comment. The author would like to express her surprise. She is kind enough to put Siofra in the same room with a guitar playing Daniel Radcliffe look-a-like, and Siofra calls it punishment?

Siofra would like to answer in the affirmative.

The author would like to express the opinion that it is Siofra, not the author, who is off her bloody onion.

"What would you like to hear?" Rob asked.

It was Katy who answered. "As Lovers Go!"

Rob smiled at her. "Good choice."

Katy shrugged. "Siofra did a songfic to it once."

Rob looked at Siofra. "A what?"

"Fanfiction," Siofra said, by way of explanation. "I'm a geek."

"Cool," Rob said, starting to play the opening notes of the lovely song, which happens to be one of Siofra's favorite songs...ever.

Siofra would like to grimace inwardly. If she wasn't so put out about this, Siofra and Company Reloaded would be the ultimate Mary Sue fic. The girl gets the guy, he happens to look just like Harry Potter, and they all live happily ever after.

Unless she didn't get the guy.

Siofra was struck with an idea, and started smirking in Katy's direction. If anyone could keep Rob distracted, Katy could.

"I said, I gotta be honest, I've been waiting for you all my life..."

If only she could get the guy with the guitar to shut up. Wait a second...guy with a guitar...I want him to shut up? she thought incredulously.

Maybe he's not so bad, after all...she mused, watching him play the six-stringed instrument that had such a strange effect on her. Dang...he was...kind of cool. And with his long fingers working the frets and his hair falling into his face, he was kind of cute, too.

No, no, no! Siofra thought frantically. Stupid guitar.

"Stupid guitar," she said aloud, completely on accident.

Rob stopped playing and looked at her. "What?"

"I...er..." Siofra said with a shrug. "Thinking about something else," she said weakly.

Rob gave her a strange look. "Okay..."

"Problems, Siofra?" Kiara said, smirking again. Siofra's hands itched to slap that smirk right off her face, but she contained herself. Just barely.

"None whatsoever," Siofra said airily.

"Another big word," Rob said dryly. "What is it with you?"

Siofra shrugged. "Can't help it. I'm very loquacious."

"That one was on purpose," Rob accused.

"Okay, yes it was," Siofra admitted. "Now put down the guitar and back away slowly."

"Why?" Rob asked, confused.

"Siofra's got problems with guitars," Kiara explained. "It causes a sort of allergic reaction, which messes with her brain."

"Really?" Rob asked.

"Something like that," Siofra replied wryly.

Siofra would like to take this moment to promise the author that, no, she will never get away with this. Siofra is so going to get her back. Shame on you and your sadistic, humorous imagination.

Stupid guitar.