Siofra and Company Reloaded

"Kiara!" Siofra yelled accusingly.

"I swear, I didn't do anything this time!" Kiara said hastily.

"Are you shooting staples at me again?" Siofra demanded.

Kiara looked slightly confused. "No. I gave that up last week, after I stepped on one. It hurt."

"Then where did this come from?" Siofra asked, picking a staple out of her hair.

"I don't know, but - Ouch!" Kiara picked up the staple that had just hit her in the face. "What on earth?"

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Siofra said.

"Don't say that!" Brianna insisted. "That's how all the horror movies start out!"

Siofra looked around. "Yeah, but usually there are boys in horror movies."

As if on cue, Draco Malfoy fell onto the ground beside Siofra's desk.

"Not again," Brianna moaned. "I'm still in therapy from the last one!"

"Siofra?" Draco asked, looking at Siofra in astonishment.

"Nice to see you again, Draco," Siofra said, with a small wave. "You know, I always heard that Malfoys don't sit ungracefully on the ground."

"Don't tell me what to do," Draco snapped. "Ouch! I have something stuck in my hair."

Siofra bent over and eased the staple out of Draco's blonde locks. "You know, I just had a thought," she said.

"What?" Kiara asked.

"Didn't the author..."

"Staple the universal rift," Brianna finished grimly. "Next time we'll make her hot-glue it shut."

Kiara, on the other hand, was looking anything but grim. In fact, she was looking quite excited. "Do you think the lovely author will drop Sean Biggerstaff amongst us?" she asked.

Siofra and Brianna both rolled their eyes.

"You know, he wasn't even in the third movie," Siofra said, looking slightly disgruntled. "Although Harry did have some sporty looking goggles."

"Sporty," Brianna repeated. "That's one word for them. I was thinking more along the lines of 'dorky,' but hey, sporty works too."

"Don't dare call my Dan dorky!" Siofra cried. "He cannot look dorky!"

Just then, Tom Felton dropped onto the floor beside Draco.

"Forget it," Siofra said, eyeing Tom with a predatory look. "Dan did look really dorky. Then again, Tom was a God, with a capital G."

"And that's not for Hair Gel," Katy added, coming through the door with Ria.

"I thought you guys lived in England," Siofra said.

"We do," Ria said. "The author is just messing with your head."

"Excuse me," Tom said, getting up from the floor. "But, where exactly am I?"

"America," Brianna said. "Texas, to be exact."

"Oh, no," Tom moaned. "Texas?"

"There are big fish here," Siofra assured him. "You can use my fishing pole."

"Cool!" Tom said, sounding much more enthusiastic.

Siofra grinned in a snarky manner. "Always know their weakness."

"And what if you happen to run into a lacrosse player that you need to placate?" Kiara asked interestedly.

"Frankly, I have no clue," Siofra asked. "So it's a good thing that Tom likes to fish. Fishing equipment I have in plenty."

"I wish you guys wouldn't talk about me like I'm not here," Tom said.

"I wish you plebes wouldn't ignore me," Draco said, getting up off the floor. "I don't like being ignored."

"I won't ignore you, Malfoy my love!" Ria cried, pouncing on the boy in a surprisingly agile move. Draco looked slightly startled as Ria commenced hanging onto his arm.

"Is she always like this?" he enquired.

"So far as I know," Siofra shrugged. "She was mad because the author gave you to Katy last go-round."

Which, the author would like to point out, never actually happened. What really happened was that Neville Polyjuiced himself into Draco, and then Katy snogged him. During one of Ria's long silences, she was off snogging the real Draco. Ungrateful wench.

"Gave me?" Draco said, sounding highly affronted. "I am not a possession!"

"That's what you think," Siofra said. "So I guess she's just staking her claim."

"Okay, what's going on here?" Siofra's mom said, walking into the room. She stared at Draco and Tom. "Siofra, why are there boys here? Did I give you permission to have boys here?"

"It's not my fault!" Siofra whined. "They fell out of the sky."

"That's what they all say," Mrs. Mahoney said. "Wait, they look kind of familiar."

"That's Tom Felton," Siofra said, pointing. "And that's Draco Malfoy."

"I thought they were the same person," Mrs. Mahoney said.

"Not when we have a madcap author with an alternate universe," Siofra said.

"Oh," Mrs. Mahoney said, realization dawning. "That again."

"I'm afraid so, Mum," Siofra said.

"Why can't you just call me Mom, like regular people?" Mrs. Mahoney exclaimed exasperatedly. "You are not English!"

"Thank God," Con said, walking in.

"Wait," he stopped abruptly, glaring at Tom and Draco, who had remained stoically silent throughout Siofra's exchange with her mother. "Why are there boys here?" he demanded. "Siofra, what have I told you about boys?!"

"Boys are scum and they only want one thing," Siofra recited in a monotone.

"Never forget that!" Con said. "Ouch! What in the - a staple?"

He was holding up the staple that had just hit him squarely on the nose.

"You are behind this, aren't you, Siofra?" he said, glaring menacingly at his little sister. She remained unfazed.

"Okay, I think we're going to have to prepare for houseguests," Siofra said.

"Oh, no you don't!" Mrs. Mahoney said. "I will not put up with random fictional strangers in this house for indefinite periods of time!"

"Tom's not fictional," Siofra reminded her.

"Fictional strangers or actors my daughter happens to think are hot," Mrs. Mahoney amended.

"Katy and Ria aren't fictional," Siofra retorted.

"Or random weird English girls you met over the internet," Mrs. Mahoney said exasperatedly.

Siofra gave her mother an odd look. "You know what I just realized?"

"What?" her mother asked.

"You remind me of Hermione," Siofra said wonderingly. "And, come to think of it, Dad's tall, redheaded, funny, insensitive and clueless."

Kiara burst out laughing. "That's priceless."

"What can I say?" Siofra said archly. "More evidence for the Good Ship."

"Leather and Libraries," Kiara said automatically.

"Oh, Merlin," Draco groaned. "Not the inanimate objects again."

"Trust me, Draco," Tom said, "you don't want to know."

"Know what?" Draco said.

"You just don't. I didn't want to know, but Emma told me, and now I'm telling you, you don't want to know."

"Emma Watson?" Siofra asked.

"No, some other random Emma," Tom said, rolling his eyes.

"I love Emma Watson!" Siofra cried. "She's my hero!"

"Oh, no," Brianna groaned. "Not this again."

"Siofra, get a grip on yourself," Kiara said. "We've got preparations to make."

*

Little did they know, it was already too late. Why? Because I'm the author, and I say so.

"Ouch," came a gruff voice. "That one hurt."

"Are you injured, Alastor?" came a calm voice.

"No, I'm not," Moody replied. "But I don't like this. Where are we?"

"I'm not entirely certain," Remus said. "But, by the looks of things, I'd say we aren't in England any more."

"How can you tell?"

"Look in that department store," Remus said, pointing at a window display. "Sweaters, half off."

"Thanks for the memo, Remus," Tonks sighed. "But we aren't here to shop."

"No, Tonks," Remus said. "It said sweaters. Not jumpers. We're in America."

"Bugger," Tonks said succinctly.

*

"Oh, my Potter senses are tingling," Siofra said. "The Fantastic Four must be nearby."

The teenagers were wandering around B-Town (which is not the actual name of Siofra's town, but then again, Siofra isn't her real name, either), sure that they would find other Harry Potter characters if they looked. Tom and Draco were to say, if asked, that they were twins who also happened to be Tom Felton look-alikes. Oh, yeah, and one was named Tom, and the other Draco. Funny coincidence, right?

"There," Kiara said, pointing down the street. Sure enough, Harry Potter was walking down the street, glancing around confusedly, apparently at a loss as to what to do. Or was he?

"Dan!" Siofra said happily. "It's not Harry, it's Dan!"

"Excited, are we, Siofra?" Katy asked with a smirk. "What happened to Tom, your dearest love?"

Siofra groaned. "Damn. Now I know how Hermione feels in all those angsty two-love-interest fics."

"Or Ginny," Kiara reminded her.

Draco looked at Tom. "Do I want to know?"

"No," Tom said shortly. "You most definitely don't want to know."

"Dan!" Siofra called. "Over here!"

Dan came up to them, shaking his head as if clearing it. "Why is it that every time something weird happens to me, you fit in it somewhere?" he asked calmly.

"Because the author loves you?" Siofra shrugged. "She thinks your hot, and your Quidditch glasses are sporty."

"I thought you said that," Kiara said, eyeing her friend suspiciously. "Say, you aren't really the author in another universe, doing this just to annoy us, are you?"

"Of course not," Siofra said.

"Okay, I believe you," Kiara said.

"And why do I have to be so congenial," Dan whined. "Tom gets to be snarky."

"The author thinks he's a total fox," Siofra said, grinning wickedly.

"Just as long as people know I'm not really like this," Dan said. "I'll be as bland as you want me to be."

"How accommodating of you," Siofra commended him.

Dan just rolled his eyes.

"Back to more important things," Brianna said sternly. "What are we going to do with all these random Harry Potter people?"

"I resent being called one of Harry Potter's people," Draco said haughtily. "I am my own people."

Siofra cracked up at this, although no one knew why. "Sorry," she gasped. "Inside joke."

"It's rude to laugh at inside jokes in the middle of a fic," said a new voice. "But then again, it's also rude for the author to dump your cousin in the middle of all of this craziness. Even if he does know the inside joke."

Everyone turned around to see a tall boy grinning at them, almost as snarkily as Siofra always did. Almost.

"Your cousin?" Kiara said. "Your cousin?" She turned to Siofra. "That's your cousin?!" she cried, pointing at the boy for emphasis.

"Yeah," Siofra shrugged. "That's Alex."

"He's hot!" Kiara said.

Siofra groaned. "Don't start with that, Kiara."

Siofra would like to point out that she had absolutely no intention of letting Kiara meet Alex, ever. Alex is scum in the worst way. Why must the author do this to her? The author would like to say that she does it because she can. And haven't we mentioned that she just loves annoying Siofra?

"Good morrow to you," Alex said, in that annoying way of his.

"Good morrow to you, too," Siofra replied. "Care to join us in the search for people who, technically, do not exist?"

"I'd love to," Alex said. "Except that one." He was pointing at Tom. Then he caught sight of Draco. "What the devil? There's two of them! That's bad!"

"Why?" Siofra asked.

"Because they are almost better looking than me!" Alex cried. "We can't allow that!"

"We have nothing to do with it, Alex dear," Siofra said sweetly. "I happen to think they're hot."

"Yeah," Tom agreed. "She thinks we're hot."

Alex and Con both threw Tom threatening looks. "Listen, gay boy," Con said. "Stay away from my sister."

"I'm not gay!" Tom objected.

"Yes you are," Con said. "You have that idiotic accent."

"I'm British," Tom said. "I can't help it."

"Well, no one who's British is allowed to date my cousin," Alex interjected.

"That's right," Con agreed, nodding his head.

"Lay off, you two," Siofra said. "You're scaring Tom." She gave Tom a fond glance as she said this.

"What happened to fancying Dan?" Katy asked interestedly.

Siofra let out a groan. "I can't decide who I fancy! Can't I just snog them both?"

"No," Kiara said. "That's not allowed. You see, it would defeat the purpose of this fic to have you snog two people, because that would undermine the romantic factor. One true love and all of that."

Siofra nodded. "So that means I can't snog them both?"

"Pretty much," Kiara said.

"So I have to choose one?" Siofra said, a desperate note in her voice.

"By the end of the fic, at the very least," Kiara confirmed.

"Where is Brad Pitt when you need him?" Siofra sighed.

"Who's Brad Pitt?" Draco asked confusedly. "And are you implying that this Brad person is hotter than me? Surely not!"

"Of course she's not, Draco," Ria purred. "No one is hotter than you."

"I'm starting to like this girl," Draco said with a smile.

Everyone excluding Ria and Draco rolled their eyes.

"Except maybe Fred and George," Ria mused. "At the same time. With lots of ice cream and chocolate syrup, and maybe..."

"That's quite enough from you, Ria," a voice from everywhere and nowhere at once said hastily. "This fic is PG."

"Why?" Ria demanded.

"Because I'm quirky and naïve like that," the voice said. "Now, pretend you never expounded on your twincest fantasies and continue with this fic."

"Fine," Ria grumbled. "Stupid author, won't even let me make snarky comments. Why she wants this fic to be PG is beyond me."

"That's what I said," Draco exclaimed incredulously.

"I know," Ria said, with a sickeningly smug grin.

"Can we cut this out about now?" Siofra said. "We really have things to do. We have to find whomever else has been thrown into this universe and try to find a way to get them back, then we have to..."

Siofra broke off with a loud gasp. "Moony!"

Sure enough, Remus Lupin was walking down the street with two people who were unmistakably Moody and Tonks. Come on, people, how could you mistake Moody and Tonks for anyone other than themselves? The wooden leg and crazy hair are dead give-aways, not to mention Moody's scarred half-nose and Tonks's...I'm getting off subject. On with the narrative!

"Oh my goodness," Siofra breathed. "He's so hot! In that scruffy, Ron Weasley-esque sort of way."

"Sexy professor," Katy said, drooling slightly. "Really sexy professor."

Siofra and Katy both sighed dreamily, looking at Remus with puppy dog eyes.

"You think Ron Weasley is hot?" Draco asked indignantly.

"Sod off, Draco," Siofra said absently, not taking her eyes off of Remus.

"This is ridiculous," a scathing voice put in. "Isn't someone going to hit them or something?"

"Sod off, Drewby," Siofra said, not taking her eyes off of Moony. Then she shook her head as if to clear it, and glanced at the rather annoying boy who had just appeared. "How did you get here, anyway?"

"No BEEEP clue," Drew said with a shrug.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Remus Lupin said, coming up to them with a slight frown on his face.

"Professor Lupin," Draco said coldly.

"Hey, cousin," Tonks said, nodding her head towards Draco. Said boy looked rather sickened at the thought of being related to Tonks, who today was sporting lime green curls.

"Who are you people?" Remus asked.

"Um, Remus," Siofra said. Her spine tingled at actually addressing the only adult man she'd ever wanted to snog, despite the fact that he was, technically, fictional. "I don't think you realize where you are."

"Where am I?" Remus asked.

"An alternate universe," Siofra explained. "We're pretty much at the mercy of a fifteen year old girl with a laptop, until she decides to let us all go. That might not be for a great number of chapters, though."

"Oh," Remus said, since the author gave him, Tonks and Moody special abilities to understand and accept even the most weird of explanations.

"Professor Lupin?" said Hermione, walking up to the group with a frown. "Oh, no," she said, catching sight of Siofra, Kiara and Brianna. "Not you three. Where are the other two?"

"Dunno," Siofra said with a shrug. "Doesn't make much sense, as their brother is here."

"They went to a BEEEP play day," Drew explained.

"Oh," Hermione said, knowing what a play day was for some odd reason. In case you readers didn't know, a play day is a...it would take too long to explain, and it's not important anyway. So get used to not knowing things.

"Where's Ron?" Siofra asked slyly.

"I have no clue," Hermione said. "It's not my day to watch the boy. Why?"

"I just figured that Ron would be wherever you are," Siofra said with a shrug. Hermione glared at her.

"Hey," Alex said. Everyone turned to him questioningly. "Nothing," he said, seeing their expectant faces. "I just didn't want anyone to forget I was here."

"You are such a spotlight hog," Siofra spat at him.

"You have no room to talk," Alex retorted. "Little Miss I'm-The-Star-of-My-Very-Own-Fic-and-I-Enjoy-Tormenting-My-Friends-and-Relatives-Whilst-"

"You know, I'm just going by Siofra now," Siofra told him wearily.

"You so stole that from Cassandra Claire," Katy accused.

"So?" Siofra said. "I quote her all the time."

"You do?" Ria asked.

"Yeah," Siofra said with a smile. "My sister told me to entertain myself, and I said what Draco said up in Ginny's room. My Mum was completely shocked."

Katy and Ria began laughing, and Siofra was clearly fighting a smile. Everyone else was staring at them in confusion.

"What?" Brianna asked.

"It's a fanfiction thing," Siofra explained. Everyone but Katy and Ria rolled their eyes.

"Anyway, when am I going to get to snog Draco?" Kiara asked.

Ria gasped and tightened her hold on the sexy Slytherin. "Never! He's mine."

"Hey, ladies," Draco said smoothly. "There's plenty Draco Malfoy to go around."

"No," Siofra said. "Ria, you can have him. Kiara, I already told you that you have to get together with - " Her speech was stopped by Kiara clapping a hand over her mouth. Siofra glared reprovingly at her best friend before biting her viciously.

"What was that for?" Siofra asked, watching Kiara nurse her bitten hand and expressing no sympathy whatsoever.

"You were going to say it," Kiara admonished. "I told you not to say it in public."

"As long as you know who I'm talking about," Siofra said airily. Then she coughed, a cough that sounded suspiciously like, "Drew!"

"Oh BEEEEEP," Drew said, looking nauseated. "You didn't just cough my name, did you?"

"Maybe," Siofra said, fidgeting with her hair. "You know, there are definite similarities between the way you two act and the way Ron and Hermione act. Really, there is a lot of unreleased sexual tension going..."

She was cut off by the indignant yells of Kiara, Drew, Hermione and Ron.

"Ron!" Siofra exclaimed. "When did you get here?"

"Just in time to hear that little...erm..." Ron waved his hands around in an explanatory manner, blushing outrageously.

Siofra gave him a huge smile. "You, Ron Weasley, are blushing." She turned to Hermione. "As are you." She turned to Kiara and Drew. "You two are blushing, too!"

Siofra then commenced giggling in an outrageous manner, an overlarge smile plastered on her face.

"Stop harassing your friends," Alex admonished. "It's not very nice."

"As if anything you do is nice," Siofra said as she raised her eyebrows at him, girlish giggling forgotten.

"I did stop you from duct taping a flashlight to one of the kittens and throwing it down that hole to see how deep it was," Alex pointed out. "You sick wench."

"I'm not the one who lit the orange cat on fire," Siofra reminded him.

"Only because you told me to," Alex defended himself.

"I didn't think you'd actually do it," Siofra said. "Lighting a cat on fire in a liquor store was not one of our smarter moments," she mused.

"No it was not," Alex agreed. They both suddenly realized that everyone else was staring at them.

"Let me get this straight," Kiara said slowly. "You two...lit a cat...on fire?"

Siofra and Alex nodded. "He did the actual lighting," Siofra was quick to point out.

"In a liquor store?" Katy added.

"I work there," Alex said. "We were bored."

"This was before we had the grand idea to climb the pile of dirt and make rivers with the water hose," Siofra clarified.

"That was one of our better ideas," Alex said, smiling at the memory. "Waterfalls, lakes, fountains of water spurting down a giant mountain of loose dirt..."

"Ah, behold what happens when children play God with fake mountains," Siofra said dreamily.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"This is what happens when we let Siofra visit her family," Kiara sighed.

"Don't make me start expounding on the similarities between you and Drew and the Good Ship," Siofra warned.

"I don't even ship the Good Ship," Kiara said. "I ship the Leather and Libraries. Oh, or the Pumpkin Pie."

"Your best friend is a Pumpkin Pie shipper?" Katy said indignantly.

"Your best friend is a twincest fan," Siofra reminded her just as indignantly. The two girls turned to glare at Kiara and Ria.

"Where did we go wrong?" Katy asked in a defeated manner.

"You got me," Siofra said with a shrug. "Just wait until book seven, after which I jump around, throwing it in Kiara's face that she was wrong and I was right."

"Pumpkin Pie," Katy said, shaking her head. "What were those people thinking?"

"Probably they just don't like Ron," Siofra mused.

"Who can not like Ron?" Katy demanded. "He's ace!"

"I know," Siofra said, as Ron nodded in agreement. "But no one listens to us."

"Do I want to know?" Draco asked Tom.

"No, you definitely don't," was the reply.

Suddenly, a girl appeared. No one knew where she came from, but everyone was used to strange things happening in these fics.

"Hello," she said tersely. "Are you Siofra?"

"Yes," Siofra said tentatively. "Why?"

"You may know me as MorbidFascination," the girl said in an annoyed tone.

"Hey, I know you!" Tom said. "You're - "

"Shut up, Tom," the girl said. "Siofra, you have got to stop using Tom. I've known him since I was two and this whole Harry Potter mess is going to give him a big head if you keep dragging him into your fics."

"Excuse me for saying this, but shouldn't he have a big head anyway?" Siofra said. "I mean...he earned it."

"Nobody gave me this black eye, son," Kiara drawled in her best impression of Sam Elliot as Conagher.

"I earned it," Siofra finished, doing her own I'm-Sam-Elliot-Therefore-I-Am-Dead-Sexy drawl.

"Okay, someone's gone off to Country and Western Land," Katy said in a sing-song voice.

"Hey, I'm still here," the girl known only as MorbidFascination said in an irritated tone. "Now take Tom out of this fic before I hurt you."

"Um, let me think about that..." Siofra said, pretending to mull it over. "No. I like him, so he stays. Although quoting Sam Elliot has given me all sorts of ideas."

"He's old!" Kiara said. "He's like...too old for your mother to date!"

"But he's like a fine wine," Siofra said dreamily. "He gets better as he ages. Sort of like Sean Connery."

"That's right," Brianna said in total agreement.

"Hey," Siofra said, in response to the weird looks she was getting from Katy. "Just be glad I'm not bursting into random George Strait songs."

She began to hum under her breath, and those of the group who had been hanging around her for any length of time recognized the tune of Amarillo by Morning.

"Yeah, I'm still here," MorbidFascination said.

And then the author got annoyed and made her disappear.