A Reflection of Himself

The darkness invaded in the early part of the evening, leaving its impression all about the castle. As Lupin leaned on the window sill and gazed at the grounds, a half moon escaped between two passing clouds, gently illuminating the ground blanketed in whiteness beneath, glittering peacefully, if only for a brief moment before the clouds overtook the moon again, bringing the darkness into looming existence once more. Sighing, Lupin rubbed at his eyes, feeling the toll of a hard day's work and knowing that his amber eyes were no doubt encircled with black.

"Well," he murmured to Sirius from across the room, "I am off to my room for the night. Good night, Padfoot."

Sirius frowned, knowing that he would be left alone for several hours, but after having been alone for several months previously, he supposed it wasn't so terrible.

"Good night, Moony," he replied. "Sleep well, old friend."

Nodding, Lupin yawned deeply and shuffled toward the door. He secured the office for the night and headed for his room, where he was grateful to finally be after such a long day. The bed looked quite inviting, for his body ached, and his eyes were worn and his vision blurry. Lupin wryly wondered if he needed spectacles, at least for reading, as he oftentimes felt much older than his mere thirty-seven years. Monthly transformations into a werewolf really were taking their toll on Lupin after all those years, and as he regarded his reflection in the full-length mirror just then, he frowned at his tattered robes covered in patches and his ever-greying hair that hung in layers around his face, which was probably more grey than light brown now.

"You are getting old, aren't you, Remus?" he asked himself. Chuckling dryly, he added, "Oh, well... It's nothing new now, is it?"

Before another five minutes passed, Lupin dropped onto the four-poster and allowed himself to be immersed completely in the down comforter and pillows. Closing his eyes, his last thoughts before he drifted off to sleep were about Harry. He was concerned about the boy's behavior now more than ever. It was evident that Harry had been depressed and angry over the loss of Sirius before, but now that Sirius was back, in a way, Harry was displaying an unhealthy obsession with having to see his late godfather whenever he had a free moment, and as much as Lupin wanted Harry and Sirius to continue to grow closer and spend time together, Lupin also knew that Harry could not afford to allow not only his school work and other friendship suffer, but also his duty to the Order and the rest of the wizarding world. Lupin knew Harry's predicament as having to be the "Chosen One," as it were, was not at all fair, but it was what it was: the truth. No one had control over that.

I will talk to him tomorrow, Lupin thought. I didn't mean to yell at him like I did, but I am worried... I suppose I was more frustrated about the fact that Harry could very well be ultimately endangering himself and everyone else by his behavior than I was about being distracted from my own much less important work.

With those thoughts lingering in his tired mind, Lupin drifted off into a fitfull sleep, full of visions of Voldemort, his wand raised and ready to strike Harry. The images seemed to play out agonizingly slowly, but there was no real or definite ending to the whole of them, for they cycled and recycled themselves relentlessly through Lupin's mind. Silent curses flew through the air, hitting wizards and witches, both good and evil alike, but as for Harry and Voldemort, the face-off did not conclude.

After several hours had passed, Lupin awoke with a start, gasping as he sat up quickly in bed and grabbed at the covers, a cold sweat dripping down his face. Looking around, he breathed a sigh of relief that he had only been dreaming, but he knew that those dreams would one day in the not too distant future come to pass, and they would prove themselves real, perhaps more real than anything, yet at the same time, filling those who lived to bear witness to such trying times with a kind of utter disbelief in their shock over the realization that something so horrid could really be happening. But it was already happening. Voldemort was a threat that refused to die.

Lupin shook his head wearily and left the bed, knowing that it would do him little, if any, good to dwell on such terrible things. He dressed and performed a couple of quick cleansing charms on himself and headed for the Great Hall for breakfast. He was always an early riser, and it was not uncommon for much of the rest of the Great Hall to be empty upon his arrival on most mornings. Taking his usual seat at the Head Table, Lupin's eyes passed over the student tables, and to his surprise, he noticed that Harry was already sitting at the Gryffindor table, silenting eating his breakfast all by himself.

Frowning, Lupin picked up his plate and proceeded to walk over to the table where Harry was seated. Taking a seat next to the boy, Lupin smiled slightly.

"Good morning, Harry," he greeted him, trying to sound calm.

Harry didn't look up from his plate as he picked aimlessly at the bacon with his fork. He continued to shuffle the bacon around on the plate, but finally, sighing exasperately, Harry dropped his fork onto the plate, the silver colliding with the china with a loud clang. Gripping his glass of pumpkin juice firmly with his right hand, Harry took a long swig of the drink and then promptly slammed the glass down onto the wooden table, shaking the rest of the plates and utensils nearby.

"Yeah, good morning, indeed," Harry grumbled, his brow furrowed angrily.

"Harry," Lupin said hesitantly, "if you're upset about what I said yesterday, I'm sorry. I was frustrated, I suppose, because of having too much work to do, but that isn't really the reason I was so short with you."

"Oh?" Harry retorted, finally facing Lupin, but fixing him with a rude glare. "Then why? 'Course it's really no different than how the rest of the people I thought were my friends have been treating me..." He paused, then added with extreme bite in his tone, "Expect Sirius."

Lupin rubbed at his temples warily. This was not going well at all. Shaking his head slowly, Lupin prompted, "Perhaps we ought to discuss this elsewhere, Harry."

"No, here's just fine with me," Harry muttered. "What is so important that you needed to come over here and tell me?"

"I'm worried about you, Harry," Lupin said frankly.

"Don't be," Harry said, clenching his jaw. "I'm fine."

"Fine?" Lupin asked, a dry, mirthless laugh escaping his mouth. "I'd hardly call your current mood fine. What I mean to say it that-"

Lupin was finding the words difficult to articulate. He already had a sinking feeling that anything he would say would only serve to further upset Harry. How could he go about telling Harry what he needed to without Harry taking offense to it?

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Lupin continued, "Well, it's your visiting Sirius every day that's concerning me, and before you say anything," Lupin rushed, "please hear me out. You've developed an unhealthy obsession, Harry. In spending every waking moment you have with Sirius, you are neglecting everything and everyone else in your life, including yourself."

"What?" Harry asked incredulously. "How-? How can you say that, Remus? Oh, I get it; you're jealous that I'm spending more time with Sirius than you are, aren't you? He's practically living in your office, so I don't see how you can sit here and say that I'm spending too much time with him. For heaven's sake, I didn't even see him for months! I thought I'd never see him again!"

"No, Harry," Lupin interjected. "You don't understand... I- I want you to spend time with him. Of course I do, but your friends, your classes... your responsibilities-"

"My friends just don't understand what it feels like to lose someone you care about so much... someone you loved just gone... like that." He snapped his fingers to illustrate his point, his voice dropping sadly, his eyes drifting away from Lupin's face.

"I understand, Harry," Lupin said gently. "Do you forget that Sirius is also my good friend? That your parents were my good friends? That I lost my parents years ago to Voldemort as well? You cannot let your losses consume you. You have a responsibility to do," he said more sternly, "not just for the wizarding world, but for yourself as well. You are the only one who can defeat Voldemort, Harry, and if you don't keep your mind focused, well, then... I hate to think of the outcome."

While he listened to Lupin, Harry's face momentarily softened, and he felt his heart go out to Lupin, but then when Lupin started talking about Harry's responsibility to defeat the Dark Lord, Harry felt anger welling up inside once again.

"You think I don't know that!" Harry yelled suddenly. "I don't need you lecturing me, trying to be the father I never had, Remus! In fact, my parents chose Sirius to be my godfather, if you'll remember correctly, not you."

"Yes, Harry, they did choose Sirius," Lupin replied, trying to keep his voice even, but Harry's words had definitely hit Lupin hard, right through the heart. Standing up, Lupin said in nearly a whisper, "I'm sorry I bothered you, Harry. I'll just leave you alone if that's what you want. After all, I'm used to be pushed away by most people..."

No one wants a werewolf for a father-figure. In most people's eyes, I'll always be an outcast, a freak. I just hope Harry comes to his senses before it's too late.

Lupin took a step to walk away when he felt Harry's hand on his shoulder.

"Wait, Remus... Stop..."

Lupin turned around and regarded Harry carefully.

"I didn't mean what I said," Harry said with regret. "It was wrong, very wrong, of me to say that about you. You've been... you've been so good to me, Remus, and I- I guess I'm just scared, you know? Scared of losing Sirius again... scared of losing you... my friends... and so, I try to block those thoughts out by laughing and just being with Sirius. I dunno how to explain it, but there's something about him that just makes me happy every time I see him. Maybe he's my inspiration or something... because, you know, for being imprisoned for most of his life, Sirius has got one of the lightest spirits I've ever known."

"It's all right, Harry," Lupin replied. "Yes, there always was some sort of wonder to Sirius, but don't forget that beneath all that lightheartedness lies a man who has lived a very rough and tainted life. I know you've also seen the Sirius who is bitter and angry. There are many sides to everyone, Harry, yourself included."

"Too many sides," Harry laughed sourly. "Sometimes I don't know what to do with all of them, and so, I just wanna laugh and forget them for a while. Guess I've been trying to forget too much for too long now."

"Perhaps," Lupin murmured. "But you're coming round already. I knew you would."

Lupin smiled slightly and briskly patted Harry on the shoulder.

"Remus?" Harry asked suddenly.

"Yes, Harry?" Lupin quipped.

"Er," he hesitated, "would it be all right if I went to visit Sirius? I promise not to stay long, but there's... well, there's something I've been meaning to ask him."

Lupin smiled. "Of course, Harry. Are you done with your breakfast?"

"Yes."

"Very well. Follow me, then."

Harry stood up and followed Lupin out of the Great Hall and to his office, where Sirius seemed to be dozing in the portait on the wall. Grinning ruefully, Lupin announced, "You've got a visitor, Sirius! Wake up!"

With a couple of grunts and groans, Sirius's grey eyes fluttered open and came to rest upon Harry, who was standing very close with a hesitant expression on his young face.

"Hullo, Harry. Good to see you," Sirius said, trying to break the ice. "Er, what's up?"

"Sirius," Harry began, taking a deep breath, "there's something I need to ask you..."

"All right. Go on, then."

"Have- have you ever seen my parents where- where you are?" Harry cautiously asked.

Sirius's face slumped into a downtrodden expression. His eyes were cast away from Harry and Lupin momentarily, and then, taking a slow, deep breath, Sirius said carefully, "No, Harry. I'm afraid I've not seen them. I am sorry..."

Harry felt his heart sink inside. He had purposefully been procrastinating in asking about his parents, having anticipated or dreaded the answer to the question he had just asked a moment ago.

"Oh," Harry said in a very small voice.

"I am sorry," Sirius repeated. "I- I don't know what else to say..."

"It's not your fault, Sirius," Harry said, trying to reassure both himself and Sirius. "I had just... well, hoped... that maybe-"

"So had I, Harry; so had I. When I first fell through the veil and found myself in this misty netherworld, I thought this was the afterlife, but everywhere I looked, I could only see faint visions in the distances, perhaps mere fathoms of my imagination... I can't be sure. Anyway, this place had a constant fog covering every square inch around my body, and I saw glimpses of what I thought were human faces and heard far-off echoes of voices that I couldn't understand, but the whole feeling of this place was so utterly lonely and full of desolation... as if there was no hope. I, of course, couldn't contain myself. I found myself wishing for any sort of means to be able to escape... or at least communicate with the world I had known, and then I recalled this portrait. With desperation, I closed my eyes and wished and imagined a way to access it, and oddly enough, although I cannot describe how it happened, I found myself looking at the wall of my mum's old attic.

"It must have been some sort of ancient magic that transcends time and space that worked this miracle. I had thought myself free for a fleeting moment, but then I realized all too quickly that I was just looking through a portal - this very portrait - into the world of the living. I had nearly given up hope as the days, then weeks, then months passed, but then you came, Harry. You came and brought me back to life again, truly. I can't understand the complexity of this prison I'm forced to exist within, but I'm pretty damn sure I understand that I love you like a son, Harry, and I'd never, ever stop fighting for you."

Harry felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, and then the tears flowed freely. Even though life was far from fair for Sirius or Lupin or Harry, they had found the only way to keep on truly living: by loving.

"To just have you back, Sirius, even if it's only through a portrait, is worth more than anything I have ever been given," Harry said in the most sincere voice. "Thank you, Remus. Thank you, Sirius... for all you've both done for me."