The Eventual Demise of Sanity

Many perfectly normal afternoons are spoiled by the announcement of a necessary quest.

In this case, it was a S-P-E-W meeting in which all the members (including studiously devoted Hermione Granger) where all semi-asleep and bored out of their wits when Colin Creevey burst into the room, camera in hand and hair in its usual state of disarray (mimicking the difficult hair of his idol).

His words were as follows: "We must go on a quest!"

"A quest?" said five unique voices simultaneously, one of them his own. "What sort of quest?"

This mystified Colin thoroughly, and he thought about it for a moment. "A difficult quest!"

"Gasp!" Neville sympathized, hanging upside down from the ceiling in a bat-like fashion and trying to get some sleep. A bizarre spell cast by Draco Malfoy earlier that week had caused this rather unusual problem, but it suited Neville well, as he thought best in a heightened state of confusion. "Whatever must we do?"

"We have to find Dennis! He's missing!"

"Oh, still?" replied George disinterestedly. "Fifth floor, take a left, a right, and it's the third broom closet to your left. A simple un-gagging spell will..."

"No, I found him there weeks ago! He's missing again!" Colin's voice lowered to a whisper. "And I think he's been kidnapped!" He suddenly looked very puzzled. "Since when is George a member of S-P-E-W?"

"Ever since he fell head-over-heels in love with Hermione after the unrecorded events of the Yule Ball," Neville explained helpfully. George threw a book at him.

Hermione, upon hearing her name, was shaken from her slumber. "Huh, what?" she said intelligently, her eyelids half-open.

"Nothing!" Ginny said quickly, rescuing her brother from potential humiliation. She turned, her brilliantly red hair still perfectly neat even after fainting with weariness onto the table situated in front of them. "So, what was that you were saying, Colin?"

Colin looked briefly dreamy at the words of his crush, but he shook his head abruptly and went back to the gravity of the situation. "Dennis is gone."

"Gone?" wondered Hermione, tired confusion evident in her voice. Unlike Ginny, who seemed to be blessed with an extraordinary gift (and/or hairstyling spell), Hermione's hair looked as if a train and an elephant and a Vogon Constructor Fleet had plowed through it. "Gone where? To Hogsmeade?"

"Not gone anywhere specifically, just in general." Colin sighed. "WE'VE GOT TO FIND HIM!"

"Why?" the seemingly omniscient upside-down Neville wondered. "He's somewhat annoying and not entirely crucial to the plot."

"Yes, but wouldn't it be a nice group activity for S-P-E-W?" Hermione said unusually brightly. "Besides," she continued through clenched teeth, "we can write it down as community service hours. That way, Dumbledore won't discontinue the club and my parents won't commit me to that nice mental institution."

"Okay!" everyone said in unison, even though it's unlikely that any of the aforementioned characters is likely to say "okay!" in such a way in such a situation, let alone all of them and at the same time.

There was silence.

"Er...so...where are we going?" Ginny asked shyly. "On this...quest...thingy."

"How about the lake?" George suggested, obviously eager to go anywhere so romantic with Hermione and so full of potential victims of pranks. "The Giant Squid..."

"No, I tried that. I asked one of the mermaids whether or not she'd seen him and..." All the eyes in the room looked at him strangely. "What? I know Mermish. It's a useful talent."

"Actually," Ginny said, smiling at him, "I think that's really impressive." Colin blushed.

"Library?" (There is no need to note who suggested that. Just think of the person in the story most likely to suggest the library for absolutely anything).

"No," Colin said sadly. "Not there either."

"Detention?" ventured George, naming a place he himself often frequented.

"No."

"Common room?"

"Definitely not."

"Mars?"

"No...Wait! Who said that?"

Ginny timidly raised a hand. "It's just a suggestion."

Neville, who had not yet spoken in the matter, said his next words quite matter-of-factly. "The kitchen."

"That's it!" Colin said excitedly. "One of the elves must have kidnapped him!"

"Why?" Ginny asked, mortified.

"They would never do such a thing!" Hermione protested.

"Maybe he's helping them cook." George grimaced. "That must be why breakfast tasted like cardboard."

"That's not..." began Neville. He was sharply interrupted by four Gryffindors marching determinedly out the door.

He was soon left alone in the room. "Hullo?" Neville said weakly. "I guess I'll just stay here then." A cricket chirped. "Alone." He kicked the ceiling weakly. "Upside-down."

Meanwhile, three-fourths of the active members of S-P-E-W plus Colin were standing outside the massive portrait of fruit that lead into the kitchen. George tickled the pear. The portrait swung open.

A gaggle of house elves greeted them. "Miss Granger!" said a stout, joyful-looking elf as he bombarded Hermione with hot cocoa. She politely declined. She took great pride in the size and cleanliness of her teeth, and she didn't care to damage them with something so chocolaty as cocoa. "What brings you into the kitchen?"

"We're on a quest!" Colin explained. The others nodded.

"Ah," said one of the elves from across the room (he, apparently, had very good hearing). The tallest of the bunch (though such a feat was not difficult), he had cascading blonde hair and a cryptic smile. "A quest. I know quests well. What sort of quest?"

"Why does everyone ask that?" Colin wondered aloud. "Anyway, it's to find my brother, and we think he's been kidnapped by one of the elves."

"Do you seriously think one of them could have kidnapped your brother? Ha!" replied the tall elf. He tucked a strand of hair behind a gently pointed ear, slung a bow and arrow over his shoulder, and left the room through a previously unnoticed door.

"Okay, that was weird," observed Ginny.

The semi-conversation was interrupted by persistent, anguished sobs from the corner, along with a flow of unintelligible words punctuated by more sobs. One word that they all heard, however, was "Dennis."

Almost as one being (since the S-P-E-W crew and Colin seem to enjoy doing things all at once), they turned, coming face-to-face (er...faces?) with Dennis Creevey and Winky.

Dennis was listening attentively to Winky, who, obviously, was the one crying, and was writing fervently on a notepad. Things like "yes" and "I understand" were emerging from his mouth almost unconsciously, and Winky seemed to be pouring her elfish soul out to him.

It was then that Dennis looked up, noticed his brother, Ginny, Hermione, and George, and partially realized the situation. "Oh, hullo, Colin. Looking for me? I've been counseling Winky about her deep psychological issues and I think we're making some progress. She cried a few gallons less than yesterday, and she's moved on past birth in her life story."

Those watching this display, however, could only gape.

"Why did you think he was kidnapped, again, Colin?" Hermione asked.

"Plot device?" he answered weakly.

"Ah," said absolutely everyone in the room knowingly.

"Well, now's as good a time as any!" Colin said hopefully. He got down on one knee. "Ginny, will you marry me?"

"Um...we're only fourteen!"

"You didn't let me finish!" Colin said with a whine. "Can I try that again?"

"Okay."

"Ginny, will you marry me..."

"..." said Ginny, despite the fact that "..." is not something one can actually say.

"...ten years from now?"

"Sure!"

They skipped out of the room hand-in-hand.

George and Hermione shrugged, held hands, and skipped out behind them.

Dennis and Winky (still crying) shrugged doubly, held hands, and skipped out of the room as well as a clumsy twelve-year-old boy and a weeping elf can skip.

Partly with the help of Dennis' counseling, Winky went on to write a best selling novel about Crouch and his tyranny, eventually hosting her own talk show. She grew up to marry Dobby, and they had many elf-children who each became successful and who legally changed their species name to "Independent Elflike Creature."

Life continued, cheese was eaten, and all was somewhat right in the world.

Except...

"Hey, guys, guys?" whimpered Neville, hanging upside-down in the darkness of the room. "Can someone help me here?"

THE END