CLUEless

Mr. Green: Draco

Mrs. Peacock: Hermione

Miss Scarlet: Ginny

Professor Plum: Harry

Colonel Mustard: Ron

Mrs. White: Oliver Wood

Mr. Boddy: Neville Longbottom

It was a dark and stormy night. Draco Green walked up the steps to Neville Boddy's mansion, carefully inspecting his diamond ring and solid gold plated shoes while waiting for Boddy's maid, Oliver White, to answer the door. Once he was seated in the Lounge sloshing brandy, Hermione Peacock knocked upon the door.

"So nice to see you, Oliver. How is the maid business treating you?" Peacock asked. Oliver just scowled.

Ginny Scarlet, Harry Plum, and Ron Mustard all arrived eventually. Neville Long- wait- Boddy, eccentric bazillionaire, greeted them. They all exchanged looks, wondering why they had been invited to another Boddy party. After all, they had come within inches of successfully eliminating the wierdo from the face of the planet at least twice each. He just didn't seem to understand that every time he had a party, he was going to be attacked.

"As you know, I always invite you to my expansive mansion to show you some rare thing that makes you all want to kill one another, or even me. This is still the case. I don't know why I keep doing this, but I'm an eccentric bazillionaire, so who cares?" He promptly lit a fine Cuban cigar with a priceless Van Gogh that had been ignited with a hundred-galleon piece, that had been set on fire from a ruby and diamond and emerald encrusted platinum lighter.

Even Plum stopped picking his nose with his wand to watch this incredible display of throwing away wealth and flaming sparkly things. "Anyway," Boddy continued, "I hope to be almost assassinated again tonight. I assume you all have your weapons with you already?"

Green nodded to his tazer, Ron felt in his pocket for his Dungbombs, Ginny Scarlet whipped out a tube of very Pointy and Dangerous lipstick that was capable of piercing flesh (Maybelline Fire Engine Red No. 7), Hermione (go figure) had a very large and heavy book to bludgeon people with, Ms. Oliver White grabbed his tickly feather duster that made people sneeze to death and Harry stood up to get... wait, he had lost his weapon.

"Come on, Plum! You ruin everything! All the other guests were being quietly menacing! Why do you always do this?" Draco whined. "Use something else for a weapon!"

The only thing that they could find for Harry to use as a weapon was tweezers. The other guests laughed at him, but he gravely reminded them that the airlines considered them a danger and they were not allowed in carry on luggage. They considered this, and decided that it was a valid point.

"Anyway, now that everyone is properly armed," Neville glared at Harry, "I can show you what I want you to attack me for." He led them out of the Lounge, through the Hall, past the Conservatory and Dining Room, and into the Billiard Room. Neville grabbed the black 8-ball from the table, and everyone gathered around.

"This, my friends, and soon to be enemies, is a Magic 8 Ball." He cupped it in his hands like it was a really magical treasure thing that could answer yes or no questions in a fifty percent true manner... which it was.

They just kind of looked at each other, not really knowing what to do. Well, Harry had an idea of what to do, actually...

"Yah!" Harry shouted as he tried to stab Neville with his tweezers in order to obtain the Magic 8 Ball.

"What are you doing, Harry?" Oliver screamed while restraining Plum. "You're not supposed to kill him until we've all left the room and try to sneak back to steal the precious artifact."

Green nodded. "Look, Harry, I don't know why we even bother inviting you to these murder parties anymore, you can't ever follow the rules."

Hermione's ears perked up at the mention of rules. "Draco's right. There are strict and chivalrous rules when one is attempting murder on Neville." She opened her large book and promptly began to list off the regulations for murder. "Firstly, one must comply with the expected standards of weaponry. Each guest must provide his or her own weapon, and it must actually be something that can cause physical harm to another living being." Ginny Scarlet had begun to doze already. "Also, each guest must retire to his or her quarters before the murder attempt." Ron was sleeping on the floor. Hermione continued until Draco was the only person conscious enough to hear her explanation of proper dress code in relation to what one had eaten. "Wow, I had no idea that if the Murder was to occur on the fourteenth of the month, or on the third Sunday, no male guest above six feet in height was allowed to wear anything taupe-colored if he had eaten a fish taco for lunch that past Tuesday."

Draco took the opportunity of her lapse in speech to tazer her unconscious. Everyone woke up at the smell of burnt hair. Neville looked very put out at the fact that one of his potential killers was knocked out.

Ron noticed the concerned look on Boddy's face, and suggested that they all go watch SpongeBob Squarepants reruns until Hermione awoke. Several hours later, Hermione wandered into the Lounge, where everyone was laughing at a cartoon starfish.

"Well, here's the problem. You've got it set to `M', for `mini.' You have to set it to `W', for `Wumbo!'" the starfish told the sponge, and proceeded to explain what `wumbo' was. "You know, wumbo. I wumbo, you wumbo, he-she-it wumbos."

"Ah, Ms. Peacock! Nice to see you awake!" Oliver was quite happy about Hermione's awakening, as he was anxious to get back to the murdering, and something about Squidward just made him blood lusty.

Anyway, the author decided to remember that there was supposed to be a plot eventually, so she decided to send everyone off to bed so they could plot the murder and maybe later commit it.