Gil vs. Minotaur

"Once in my travels through Greece, I happened to stop on the isle of Crete, where there were rumours of a rampaging minotaur, ten feet tall and with teeth the size of butcher knifes, but twice as sharp. Upon my arrival, the people of Crete welcomed me with joy and excitement into their land. My reputation for ridding the world of evil, with valour and with humility, had preceded me, and they knew that even battling a twenty foot tall fire-breathing minotaur was not a job to small for Gilderoy Lockhart." At this he smiled that award winning smile, and several ladies in the audience swooned. There was a momentary break in the story as the women were bustled out of the lecture hall to be revitalized.

"As I was saying," continued Mr. Lockhart, annoyed at the interruption, but still as charming as ever, "The next day I awoke bright and early to begin the rigorous rituals that had to be completed before I walloped the minotaur a good one. Many hazardous potions I created, each one with a more frightful stench than the last. I also employed myself with exercises designed to keep my body as nimble as my mind. A thousand push-ups, four thousand crunches, and a swift jog of seven miles later, I was feeling refreshed and ready for battle with the thirty foot towering fire-breathing, scythe-toothed monster that awaited me. Of course, my morning routine would have been a bit more extended if I thought I was going to have to exterminate a real danger, but an average minotaur is really nothing.

"I traveled over the stony peaks of Cyprus, and the cold mountain wind lashed bitterly at my face, but against all odds I reached the cave of the minotaur. It was then that I realized how grossly the Cretan villagers had exaggerated the smallness of their danger, evidently in hopes not to scare me away from protecting them. They need not have worried, however, because I shrink not at even the greatest dangers. This brute was a hundred feet tall, or more, with razor sharp claws and crushing hooves. He breathed not only fire, but shot scalding shards of brimstone mixed in as well. The sound he uttered upon seeing me before him was the most devastating howl of terror ever screeched by man or beast. Birds fell out of the sky for miles around, and I nearly fainted from the reek of his breath." A small cry arose from the women in the audience, who sat aghast on the edge of their seats.

"But fear not!" he assured them. "I held my ground and with only the power of my own iron steadfast will, I raised my wand above my head and pronounced the words which would silence forever this terror of the Aegean." At this, Gilderoy Lockhart bounded up onto a table and began waving his wand about, shouting random nonsense meant only for dramatic effect. Unfortunately, however, one of his incantations sent hot pink sparks scattering in all directions and soon everyone in the audience started falling out of their seats and laughing uncontrollably. Horrified and embarrassed, thinking everyone was laughing at him, Lockhart ran out the back way and disappeared for some days. Convinced that his humiliation would make front page news, Lockhart watched the paper diligently in the days after his disappearance. He soon realized that no one knew or cared why they started laughing at the end of his lecture. With that in mind, and wanting the money he would receive for his lecture series, Gilderoy Lockhart made a triumphant comeback five days later to an adoring public who didn't even realize he had gone.