Harry Potter Big Brother

Harry Potter Big Brother

THE RULES:
This is run similarly to the TV Show Big Brother. Contestants will nominate 3 possible evictees on Tuesday night.

CONTESTANTS:

Harry Potter
Hermione Granger
Ron Weasley
Draco Malfoy
Severus Snape
Dobby the House-Elf
Oliver Wood
Percy Weasley
Lucius Malfoy
Ginny Weasley
Gilderoy Lockhart
Sirius Black

DAY 1
The contestants move into the house, equipped with 6 bedrooms of 2 beds each, 2 communal showers, a backyard with a swimming pool, one large play room and a gourmet kitchen.

Each contestant is deprived of his or her wand and is to be no magic in the house. There is one wand on the wall behind a glass dome for emergencies. Quidditch is allowed but only outside the house, and the contestant may not fly out of House airspace.

Already made medicinal potions are allowed, but no new potions may be mixed.

The morning of the first day, a fight nearly breaks out as the contestants try to decide who will bunk up with whom.

RON: I get to sleep with Harry!
HARRY: (blushes) He means we'll share a room.
HERMIONE: (rolls eyes)
DRACO: Why should Potty and Weasel get to sleep together? They'll come up with all sorts of devious plans to attack me! No way, uh-uh. I don't think this should be allowed.
RON: Don't worry, Draco, I have no intention of touching you!
DRACO: Thank God!
SEVERUS: Break it up, boys.
GILDEROY: (stepping in) Yes, boys, don't go on like this. I'm sure we all know who is qualified to decide who sleeps where...
SEVERUS: I suppose you think the qualified is among us, Lockhart?
GILDEROY: Why, yes, actually I do! It's --

Intercom: This is Big Brother.

GILDEROY: Big Brother, of course!

Intercom: Do not interrupt me, Lockhart. As I was saying, this is Big Brother. I have already chosen bunkmates. Please gather your belongings and join your bunkmate in your chosen rooms. The pairings are as follows: Harry Potter and Oliver Wood; Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger; Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley; Severus Snape and Gilderoy Lockhart; Percy Weasley and Sirius Black; Lucius Malfoy and Dobby the House-Elf.

OLIVER: Cool, Harry. We bunk together. Maybe we can get some Quidditch practice in at dawn!
HERMIONE: Come on, Ginny, let's go get our stuff together.
GINNY: I hope Ron will be ok with Draco.
HERMIONE: I'm sure it will be fine. (shooting a sympathetic look to Ron)
DRACO: Oh No, I'm not going to bunk with the Weasel! No way!
RON: Shut up you stupid prat. I don't like it any more than you do.
DOBBY: If Dobby may speak, Big Brother, Sir. Dobby feels his pairing with Lucius Malfoy must be a grave clerical error! Lucius Malfoy will KILL Dobby!
LUCIUS: I certainly WILL kill you if you don't grab my bags and take them to my room immediately!
BB: Lucius Malfoy you must carry your own bags. If you are caught abusing or trying to murder ANY of your housemates you will be sent directly to Azkaban.

(Lucius grabs his bags and hightails it for his room, in a huff)

The housemates gather their trunks and move into their new quarters.

LOCKHART: I say, Severus, what luck you have being paired with me! I'm sure we'll become great friends.
SEVERUS: Lockhart, please take your self-portrait off of my nightstand.
LOCKHART: Oh, sorry about that, is that your nightstand?

Snape sets up his potions collection on his bed stand table while Lockhart decorates his half of the room with portraits of himself. He fills the one bookcase with his own books.

SNAPE: You are allowed ONE shelf, Lockhart.
LCOKHART: Well where am I supposed to put all of these volumes of my many dangerous and harrowing adventures?
SNAPE: I have an idea of where you could put them, Lockhart.

Meanwhile, strife breaks out in Ron and Draco's room

DRACO: I can't believe my father signed me up for this!
RON: Your father?
DRACO: Do you think I *wanted* to be here with you, Weasel? I could have been vacationing in Bulgaria.
RON: You're no prize, either, Malfoy.
DRACO: You're just mad because you didn't get Potty for a roommate. Well don't worry about it -- I won't tell on you if you feel the need to go visit him in the middle of the night for a snog.
RON: (turning red) That was uncalled for!
DRACO: Was it? (waggles eyebrows at Ron. Ron blushes fiercely.)

HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 1

The housemates go into the full gourmet kitchen to scope out the vittles situation and to prepare dinner.

HERMIONE: Wow, this kitchen puts Julia Child's to shame!
RON: Who?
HERMIONE: A famous Muggle chef.
PERCY: I think we should make something practical, like a meat loaf.
DRACO: A what?
HERMIONE: It's hamburger meat mixed with vegetables and such. Lasts for quite a while as a leftover since no one ever wants to eat it the first time around.
LOCKHART: If I may, I'm quite the wizard in the kitchen. I could --
ALL: NO!
HARRY: Professor, why don't you um...go into the rec room and set us up a game of chess?
LOCKHART: Brilliant idea, young Harry! (he runs off)
DRACO: So what is there to eat?
SNAPE: (checking the fridge) We have something called milk, a long stalk of something green, and red balls with green leaves at the top.
HERMIONE: (looking closely into the fridge) Those are tomatoes...and celery...ah you know, I think it may be best for me to take over making dinner since I am the best acquainted with Muggle food. I will need just a couple of volunteers to help me, though. I've never cooked for 12 people before.
DOBBY: Dobby would love to help Hermione cook dinner!
HERMIONE: Dobby, you're free now. I don't want you to help with dinner. You've made enough dinners to last a lifetime.
DOBBY: As Hermione wishes, though Dobby is much saddened to be told he is not needed in a kitchen.
GINNY: I'll help you, Hermione.
HERMIONE: Thanks, Ginny.

(silence)

GINNY: Come on, one of you lot has to help, too.
SIRIUS: (stepping forward, seeing that no one else will) I'll help, ladies.
HERMIONE: Ah, a real gentleman! The rest of you clear out. Dinner should be ready in about an hour and a half.

The housemates head out of the kitchen swiftly and sit down in the living room. Draco drapes his feet over the couch, forcing Ron and Harry to sit on the floor in the corner. Snape and Lucius fight for the remote control to the television even though neither knows how to work it. Harry gets up and flicks the TV on and leaves the rest of the housemates mesmerized with as an episode of Baywatch plays. He nudges Ron and the two boys head into the hallway.

HARRY: This is a disaster already.
RON: Harry, it's not that bad. At least you don't have to bunk with Malfoy.
HARRY: That's true. I wish we'd been bunkmates, we'd have had a lot of fun.
RON: (blushing) We'd better not be seen here, Big Brother will think we're plotting or something.

Draco slinks into the hallway

DRACO: Can't keep your hands off each other, eh?
HARRY: Get off it, Malfoy!
RON: Just wait till I get my wand back, Malfoy.
DRACO: What are you going to do, Weasel? Pleasure your boyfriend here with it?
RON: That's IT!

Ron lunges to grab Draco but Harry holds him back, wrapping his arms tightly around the ginger-haired boy's body.

HARRY: Ron, don't. We'll get in trouble with Big Brother.
DRACO: Look at you two! Getting your rocks off right in front of me!

Intercom: This is Big Brother. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy to the Diary room immediately!

DRACO: Now you've done it.

The three boys go to the Diary room and sit down.

BB: I realize this is not the most enjoyable situation for you three to be in, but I will not tolerate fighting in the house. Draco, you are not to taunt Harry and Ron, and Harry and Ron you will restrain yourselves and not pose any threats to Draco. If any of you are caught doing this again, you will automatically lose the next Challenge for your teams. That is all.

The boys leave the Diary room, and Draco pushes past Harry and Ron to go talk to his father.

RON: Great, now he's getting his daddy involved.
HARRY: I wouldn´t worry about that.
RON: Why the bloody hell not? He's going to kill us!
HARRY: For one thing, we didn't actually DO anything to Draco. And for another thing, the house appears to be on fire.

HIGHLIGHTS DAY 1 (contd)

Harry and Ron race to the kitchen where billows of black smoke come pouring out. Screams can be heard, and coughing.

RON: Ginny!
HARRY: Hermione!

They try to waft at the smoke with their hands but realize they can't see a thing. The rest of the housemates come running in from the living room and start choking on the smoke. Suddenly, Sirius emerges from the blackness carrying Hermione and Ginny. He deposits them near the door, then drops to his knees, coughing.

SNAPE: Is there a fire?
LOCKHART: A fire? I just remembered something...yes...I need to step outside... (continues mumbling as he bolts from the house and deposits himself on the lawn, coughing delicately)
HERMIONE: (coughing) We need to...get the...fire extinguisher .. it's a grease fire, don't...don't put--

Lucius pushes past everyone with a bucket of water and flings it towards the smoke. A blast of flame rises up and the fire spreads.
HERMIONE: -- water on it! Oh NO!
HARRY: (to Ron) We need to get everyone out of the house!
RON: Right! Harry?
HARRY: What?
RON: What about the emergency wand?
HARRY: Good idea!

He runs to grab the wand, but Percy stops him.

PERCY: That wand is to only be used in emergencies!
LUCIUS: (standing next to Percy) He's right, boys. That wand is designated as an emergency wand. I hardly think this situation is dire enough for its use.
HARRY: You don't think so?
LUCIUS: I most certainly do not.
DRACO: Father! Your robes have caught fire!

Draco rushes over, trying to stamp out the fire that caught on his father's black dress robes. He kicks at the robes and succeeds in hitting Lucius's shins violently. Lucius pushes Draco away and Draco lands on the floor with a hurt look on his face.

LUCIUS: What are you waiting for, Potter? Put out this damned fire!

Harry grabs the wand and puts out Lucius's robes. He then runs into the smoke and takes care of the flames. With a swift charm he clears the air of smoke and the housemates cough and sputter violently as they try to survey the damage.

OLIVER: What were you girls trying to make?
SIRIUS: Us GIRLS were trying to make your dinner!
OLIVER: Sorry, Sirius.
SNAPE: What was the food supposed to be? Besides charred and blackened lumps of coal?
GINNY: We had some trouble with the ovens.
SNAPE: I should say you did, Miss Weasley.
SIRIUS: There's no need for that tone, Severus.
LUCIUS: Well what are we going to eat for dinner now that the kitchen has been destroyed?

Intercom: This is Big Brother. Seeing as how you have all annihilated the gourmet kitchen, you may call out for pizza. The kitchen will be reconstructed and appliances replaced tomorrow. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley and Sirius Black are hereby banned from using any electrical appliances in the kitchen for one week.

DRACO: (sniggering)
HARRY: I wouldn't be so quick to laugh, Draco. I remember a certain blond someone who was pushed on his arse by his father just a few moments ago.
RON: (bursts out laughing)
DRACO: (under his breath) You'll pay for that, Potter. You, too, Weasel. You may think you're protected just because Big Brother's around. Well I assure you, he can't be watching all the time.
Draco turns with a flourish of his robe and leaves the room.

Percy: All right then. What is pizza and how do we get it?
HERMIONE: We need to call for it on the telephone.
RON: I remember how to use a phone, I called Harry once.
HERMIONE: Good. Ron, you look up a pizza place in the phone book - the yellow one just over there. Ginny and I need to go to our rooms and change out of these filthy clothes. Harry, find out what everyone wants as a topping on their pizza, ok? I'd just like plain cheese, please.
HARRY: All right.
GINNY: I'll have the same. We'll be back down in a few minutes.

(The girls go upstairs to get changed while Harry asks everyone else to join him in the rec room, and Ron looks up a pizza place.)

HARRY: It looks like we're having pizza tonight. It's a bready circle of crust with stuff on top like tomato sauce and cheese. We can add other things as well.
DRACO: Like what?
HARRY: Pepperoni, sausages, anchovies, onions...things like that.
PERCY: Those things hardly sound healthy.
OLIVER: Just go with it, Percy.
PERCY: Fine then, I'd like something with healthy toppings. Things that won't make my skin dry and won't affect my internal organs in a negative manner.
HARRY: Erm...I'll get a few cheeseless pieces with some peppers and onions on for you, Percy.
PERCY: Thank you.
DRACO: Put some slugs on Weasel's part of the pizza. I'm sure he'd love those.
SIRIUS: I'll try that pepperpooni, Harry. Whatever it is.
SNAPE: Choose something slimy for me, Mr. Potter.
HARRY: Yes, Professor, I've already got you down for anchovies.
DOBBY: Dobby will have whatever Harry Potter says is best for him, Sir.
PERCY: What about Professor Lockhart?
HARRY: Where is he?
DRACO: He was rolling about on the lawn last I checked.
HARRY: Is he ok?
SIRIUS: I'll go check.
HARRY: Ask what he wants on his pizza.
SIRIUS: All right.

(Sirius goes to check on Lockhart. In a few minutes he comes back with a long list of toppings that Lockhart wants on his pizza. Harry takes the list and looks it over.)

HARRY: I don't think Muggle pizzerias have all this. I'd better order a special pie just for Professor Lockhart.

He takes his list to Ron and together they get the pizzas ordered. The housemates pass the wait by flipping channels on the television. Soon the pizza arrives and everyone eats at the dinner table. Conversation is limited to how each of them feel about Muggle food. Snape gets indigestion and leaves the dinner table in a hurry, while Dobby falls asleep on the living room sofa.

Draco goes into the Diary room.

DRACO: This is treacherous. I don't think I'm going to make it through to the end. The kitchen's been destroyed, tomorrow is our first Challenge, and my father is beating on me already. When will this nightmare end? Aside from all that, Weasel's bunking with Harry! It's not fair!

(When Draco emerges from the Diary room, Ginny goes in.)

GINNY: I feel really weird about being somewhere called a "Diary Room", but here goes: today was awful. I know it was my fault that the house nearly burned down. Hermione's being really great about it and all, and Sirius didn't lay the blame, but still. They know it was my mistake that caused the fire. I hope I don't end up being a real pain in the ass to anyone. Although being a pain in Malfoy's ass would be ok. He deserves it. I guess I just don't feel like people like me very much. I hope I don't let me team down in the Challenge tomorrow.

(As the sun drops below the horizon, the housemates agree on retiring early for the big day ahead of them. Hermione and Ginny, already cleaned from the aftermath of the kitchen disaster, head for bed while the rest of the housemates argue about the shower situation.)

DRACO: I'm not doing a communal shower, no way, no how.
HARRY: Draco do you have to be such a git all the damn time?
DRACO: Yes, yes I do. And I'm not showering with other guys.
RON: You don't have anything we're not familiar with.
SIRIUS: Speak for yourself, Ron.
RON: (blushes) I meant he's got the same equipment as us.
LUCIUS: Although Malfoys do not use it in the same way.
OLIVER: Did someone mention equipment? That reminds me, I can't find my Quidditch gloves. Has anyone seen them?
DOBBY: Oliver Wood, Sir, Dobby has seen them, Sir.
OLIVER: Where are they, Dobby?
DOBBY: Dobby came upstairs today when Harry Potter was ordering dinner, Sir. Dobby saw Hermione leave her room and go into your, Sir. She left with your Quidditch gloves.
OLIVER: Hermione? Why would she want them?

(Oliver goes to knock on Hermione and Ginny's door. Meanwhile, the shower situation is still unresolved.)

SNAPE: It is easy to see how this should be resolved. Draco, since he is modest, should use the girl's shower, since they have both retired for the evening. The rest of us will use the other communal shower. It does have enough showerheads to accommodate us.
RON: (whispers to Harry) I don't want to shower with Snape, Harry. That's a sight I prefer never to see.
Harry: (whispers back) You're right. (speaking normally) Professor?
SNAPE: Yes, Mr. Potter?
HARRY: Seeing as how some of us want to shower right now and some of us have a few more things still left to do tonight--
RON: We do?

Harry nudges Ron hard in the ribs

RON: --oh Yes, we do, we sure do. Important things.

HARRY: As I was saying, I think that whoever's ready now can shower now and the rest of us will have a go later. When you're finished. I mean, when everyone else is done.
SNAPE: Very well. (He turns and goes into his room and soon emerges with his towel and Slytherin Soap on a Rope TM.)
PERCY: (eyes the Slytherin Soap on a Rope TM and stammers) Ah, yes, Harry, Ron, I think I'll join you -help you with whatever you've got to finish doing.

Harry, Ron and Percy make a quick exit and run downstairs. Gilderoy Lockhart meets them on the staircase.

LOCKHART: Where are you boys running off to?
HARRY: Uh, just some things we need to do Professor - in the kitchen.

Lockhart's eyes grow fearful and be starts moving up the stairs more swiftly.

LOCKHART: Yes, you boys do that. I'll be upstairs in the shower, getting ready for bed. Nighty night!
PERCY: Goodnight, Professor.
HARRY: Come on, let's find something to do until the showers are free.

The three boys sit in the living room and watch TV for a while. Harry tells Percy and Ron he's going to the loo, but instead heads for the Diary room.

HARRY: This has got to be one of the worst days of my life. Stuck in this house with Lockhart...Snape...Lucius and Draco...even Dobby's getting on my nerves. If Wood tries to wake me at dawn, I may snap. And Ron. Poor Ron. I feel so bad for him having to sleep with Malfoy. Let me rephrase that - share a room with Malfoy. No, that didn't sound right either - oh whatever. I don't like it. Who knows what Draco could do to Ron under the guise of night. He could try to smother him or something. I'd better get up in the middle of the night and sneak in and check on him.

Harry goes back to the living room to find Percy coming back from upstairs.

PERCY: The shower is finally free. Let's get this over with and get to sleep.

The boys go upstairs and shower, and then get in bed. Ron finds Draco already fast asleep. Oliver is curled up in bed with his Quidditch gloves poking out from under his pillow. Harry sets a tiny wristwatch alarm to wake him at 3 a.m. to check in on Ron, then puts his head down on the pillow and falls into a dreamless sleep.

FRIDAY, DAY 3, CHALLENGE DAY

After a hearty breakfast, the housemates are called into the living room where they are faced with their first Challenge - Big Brother will choose two persons per team to take care of a baby for 24 hours.

BB: Here are the teams: Severus Snape and Oliver Wood; Ginny Weasley and Gilderoy Lockhart; Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley; Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy; Percy Weasley and Lucius Malfoy; Sirius Black and Dobby the House-elf.

You are responsible for making sure your baby is cared for and you must be attentive to it at all times. There must be one parent within three feet of the child for the full 24 hours. You will choose a name for your baby and you will be given points for how well you handle your child. There will be a 5-point scale and scores are based on tender loving care, the three-foot rule, entertaining your baby, and there is a pass/fail on neglect or abuse to your child. You must score at least 3 out of 5 to pass. If you are successful, you will have fully catered meals for the next week. If you fail, your rations will be reduced to peanut butter sandwiches and water. You may choose one child and you may not return or trade your child.

(Sirius is the first to step forward. He chooses a girl baby and cradles it lovingly in his arms. Dobby jumps up repeatedly, trying to get a better look at it, while Sirius begins to hum a lullaby. Percy and Lucius argue on whether to have a boy or girl.)

PERCY: I have so many brothers - I want a girl!
LUCIUS: Does the word "heir" mean anything to you?
PERCY: But you've already got a son.
LUCIUS: Certainly you don't expect me to change a girl's diaper, do you? I don't know anything about little girls - private parts.
PERCY: (sternly) You don't? You certainly knew enough to have Draco. Or was that just a little magic?
LUCIUS: You insolent grubby little -

BB: There will be no foul language in front of the children.

(Meanwhile Hermione runs forward and claims a cute little girl.)

HERMIONE: Look Ron, our daughter! Isn't she cute?
RON: Yeah, she is kinda sweet. I thought a baby would be all yucky and gross but this one's actually quite cool looking.

(Hermione cuddles her new "daughter" as Ron looks on approvingly.

Lockhart lets Ginny choose a little girl, while Snape swiftly grabs a baby boy and thrusts him into Oliver's arms.)

OLIVER: Bloody hell. How am I supposed to practice Quidditch with a baby on me lap?
SNAPE: Well someone has to watch him; he might accidentally drink one of my potions. I can't have that.
OLIVER: You mean he might turn into a --toad or something?
SNAPE: No, I mean my precious potion would be contaminated and I'd have to go all the way to Knock-- I mean Diagon Alley to get more ingredients.

(Harry and Draco hang back and are reluctant to make their choice.)

HARRY: Do you have a preference, Malfoy?
DRACO: Yes, I quite fancy boys.
HARRY: What?
DRACO: I mean, I think we should choose a male baby. I don't know what to do with girls.
HARRY: Oh you don't, eh?
DRACO: (blushing) Dammit, Potter, you know what I mean. Just pick the kid and let's get this over with.

(Harry gently picks up a little boy baby.)

DRACO: We have to name it. How about...Draco Jr.?
HARRY: Why not Harry Jr.?
DRACO: No way.
HARRY: (thinks for a moment) How about a combination of our names? Like...Harco or Drary?
DRACO: Potter are you on crack? You might as well call it Malpot or Potfoy!
HARRY: Well I don't hear you coming up with anything better.
DRACO: What about Aric?
HARRY: Aric?
DRACO: Yeah. It means "sacred ruler".
HARRY: Where did you hear it from?
DRACO: I heard it on that tv in the living room on some show with medieval people on it.
HARRY: All right then. Aric. Poor kid.

(The other housemates have a hard time naming their children, except for Hermione and Ron, who have taken to their baby quite easily. They name their little girl "Collette". Lockhart insists his "daughter" be called "Gilda" after himself, Percy wants to name his and Lucius's son after the Minister of Magic but Lucius throws a shit fit until Percy compromises. Their child is called Finn after the Irish legend Finn Mac Cumhail. Sirius and Dobby agree to name their girl Oralie, and Snape proclaims his son shall be named "Alverus" before Oliver has a chance to protest.

The housemates take Aric, Collette, Gilda, Finn, Oralie and Alverus into the living room where the baby supplies are waiting. Almost immediately the babies begin to cry for their food, and the housemates scramble to shush the wailing children. Only Ron and Hermione appear to be having a good time; Hermione cradles Collette as Ron tests the baby bottle's temperature.)

RON: Hermione, are you sure you wouldn't rather breast feed? They say it's more healthy for the baby.
HERMIONE: Ron, you do know this isn't really our baby, right?

(Ron nods.)

HERMIONE: Well then taking into account the fact that I have not actually HAD a baby and therefore have no breast milk to feed it with plus the fact that I'm not taking my top off within 50 feet of you - the answer seems to be absolutely positively NO!
RON: I was only asking.

(Hermione glares at Ron for a moment, but all is forgiven as he hands Hermione the prepared bottle and watches Collette gulp down her food.)

RON: She's kinda cute, actually.

(Suddenly Lockhart bolts from the room, mumbling about his silk pants.)

GINNY: It seems little Gilda threw up all over her um, daddy.
RON: You don't know how disturbing it is to hear you say that, Ginny. And I don't mean the throwing up part.

(Harry is having trouble getting Draco to take Aric seriously. The baby almost fell on its head twice as Draco keeps trying to balance it on his knee as he prepares the bottle.)

HARRY: Here, give me the baby; you're going to hurt him.
DRACO: I am not going to hurt him. He's a tough lad, just like his daddy.
HARRY: And who pray tell is his daddy?
DRACO: Me, of course.
HARRY: So now you're a pitcher and I'm a catcher? I don't think so, Malfoy. Give the baby here.
DRACO: (sneering) You're such a little worrywart, Potter. These kids aren't breakable, I'm sure. Big Brother would never be stupid enough to give us real babies that can really get -

(Draco losing his grip on Aric and the little boy falls to the floor with a bump. He then begins wailing so loudly his face turns beet red.)

HARRY: Malfoy! (He grabs the baby and tries to calm it while checking for broken bones or cuts.)
MALFOY: Holy shit.
HARRY: Don't just sit there, do something!
DRACO: (panicking) What do you want me to do?
HARRY: Call a doctor - call Big Brother, I don't know!
DRACO: But then Big Brother will know we dropped the baby!
HARRY: We? YOU dropped him. And Big Brother will find out anyway - he said so, remember? Do you want us all living on peanut butter next week? Get your shit together, Malfoy!

Intercom: Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter: You will refrain from using foul language around your baby. Your infraction has been noted as well as the injury sustained as a result of your neglect. The baby will be returned to full health now. Do not let this happen again.

(The evening proceeds with little other major problems. The babies finally fall asleep in their bassinettes, and the house is silent. At 1 a.m., Oliver Wood creeps out of bed and makes for the Diary Room.)

OLIVER: This is insanity. I haven't played Quidditch in days! If I don't get a long, thick, hard broomstick between my legs soon I'll go bloody mad!

(At 4 a.m., Ron awakens to Collette gurgling in her crib. He makes sure she is all right, then runs to the Diary Room.)

RON: I thought this baby stuff was going to be bloody awful, but it's really quite fun. Hermione makes a wonderful mum. She's so kind and sweet to Collette. I almost feel like Collette's mine and Hermione's for real. It sure would be nice to have a real baby. I know I don't have the money for one or anything and well, I doubt Hermione would see me you know...that way. But this challenge isn't really a challenge. Not really. I don't see how Harry's going to hold up, though. Draco's a right git about the whole thing. And poor Ginny. Ugh. I don't even want to think about it.

The housemates get through the challenge with their children but not without a few mishaps along the way. Once the challenge is complete, they are called to the living room for an announcement.

BB: This is Big Brother. The results from the Challenge are available in the Diary Room. You have passed, but narrowly. Your meals will be catered this week.

ALL: Hurrah!

HARRY: I'll go get the results so we can see how we did.

(He fetches a piece of paper and brings it back. Everyone waits expectantly.)

HARRY: Professor Snape you failed the three-foot rule and failed neglect. You got a 1 in TLC. Wood you also got a 1 in TLC and failed everything.

WOOD: Hey!
SNAPE: Let me see that, Mr. Potter. (He snatches the paper form Harry's hands and as he reads, his eyes narrow in anger.
LOCKHART: How did I do? I'm sure I did well, but I love to hear the praise.
SNAPE: (reading) Lockhart - TLC 3, Weasley passed everything and got TLC 5. Granger and the other Weasley passed all and got TLC 5. Potter and Malfoy...Potter scored 5 in TLC, Draco got a 3. Passed everything else. The other other Weasley - my we do have a lot of Weasleys here, don't we?--failed the three foot rule but got a 3 in TLC. Lucius - failed everything and got a 1 in TLC...

DRACO: That sounds about right.

(Lucius sneers at his son.)

SNAPE: Black and Dobby surprisingly pass all and get 5's in TLC.

(Sirius high fives Dobby)

BB: I hate to interrupt but it is now time to find out who will be this week's evictee. Please gather in the dining room and have a seat at the table.

(The housemates look at each other in worried fear. Who will it be? Who will be leaving, never to return?...)

First Eviction

BB: This week's evictee is...Gilderoy Lockhart. Professor Lockhart you have ten minutes to gather your belongings and leave the premises.

(Everyone holds their breath as Lockhart sits with his mouth hanging wide open.)

LOCKHART: I...I...it can't be...not ME...how will you get along without ME? There must be some mistake!

SNAPE: Need any help packing, Professor?

LOCKHART: (in a daze as he leaves the dining room and walks upstairs) I can't believe it...a house without Lockhart is a house without hope...

DOBBY: Dobby would not mind helping Professor Lockhart pack if that is all right with everyone.

HARRY: Sure, Dobby. I think he could use a hand.
RON: Or a brain...

(Dobby runs upstairs and helps Lockhart and soon the housemates gather at the front door to see Lockhart off.)

HERMIONE: Well, take care of yourself Professor.
LOCKHART: (breaking from his brain fog) Why, yes...yes, thank you. (facing everyone) It has been a pleasure to be here with you all, as I am sure I am have brought great pleasure to each of you. Without my presence I can only pray that you survive. I know you will not have my witticisms to make you chuckle with mirth throughout the day, nor my lovely blond locks to admire, but perhaps you will succeed...perhaps all hope is not lost, though I highly doubt it.

(The housemates move slowly into the foyer, away from Lockhart.)

LOCKHART: ...Don't weep for me too much now...you've got to hold on..have strength in the face of adver--

(Lucius slams the door and locks it.)

LUCIUS: Now that that git is out of here, perhaps we can have a bit more peace. (He strides purposefully into the den and pours himself a drink, knocking it back in one gulp.)

(Harry turns around to say something to Ron but can't find him. Hermione is also missing.)

DRACO: Looking for someone, Potter?
HARRY: Yeah...have you seen Ron and Hermione? They were here just a minute ago...
DRACO: They're probably off in a closet, snogging or doing something even more disgusting.
HARRY: That's not true!
DRACO: Isn't it? Didn't you see the way they kept acting when they had that little brat during the challenge? They really LIKED that kid. I bet they're off trying to make one of their own. (He snickers wickedly.)
HARRY: Don't talk shit about my friends, Malfoy!
DRACO: If you don't believe me, why don't we just go find out for ourselves?

(Draco grabs Harry's hand and pulls him down the hall. Draco begins opening every closet and bedroom door in the house.)

HARRY: This is stupid, Malfoy! You're not going to find them going at it or anything...
DRACO: Oh really, Potter?

(Draco pulls Harry down the hall and pulls open the last closet door. Harry looks on, horrified, as he witnesses Ron quickly pulling his hands from under Hermione's top. Both Ron and Hermione blush crimson and try to get their clothes in order. They look hot and disheveled.)

DRACO: See? I told you, Potter. And you didn't believe me. So much for that. Thanks, kids, that's all we needed to see.

(Draco closes the closet door again and looks at Harry with a strange look in his eye.)

HARRY: What?
DRACO: I was right.
HARRY: (reluctantly) Yeah...but so what? (He looks down, defeated.)
DRACO: Well, don't get that way about it. It's just snogging. Not like you're going to be an Uncle or anything. Or....are you jealous? Wait -- you like Hermione?

(Draco searches Harry's face and tries to read him but is having a hard time. Harry backs up and heads for the stairs but Draco stops him by grabbing his arm and turning him around to face him.)

DRACO: That what it is, Potter? You like her?

(Harry refuses to meet Draco's eyes.)

DRACO: Wait a second. No. NO WAY. You don't.
HARRY: Fuck off, Malfoy!

(Harry runs downstairs and into the Diary room as Draco chases after him. He slams and locks the door as Draco pounds on it from the outside.)

HARRY: Go away Malfoy!
DRACO: Fine. Have it your way. (Whispering against the door) But I know your dirty little secret now, Potter. And don't you forget it!

(Harry puts his face in his hands and for the first time in ages has a good cry. Minutes tick away and Harry is still sitting in the Diary room, unable to even speak, he is so consumed with sadness and jealousy and hurt. How could Hermione and Ron do this? How did it happen? Was it all because of those damn babies?

At 10:30 p.m. there is a knock on the Diary Room door and Percy can be heard outside.)

PERCY: Harry come out already. You've been in there for over an hour. Other people need to use the Diary, too!
HARRY: (to the diary) I'm sorry I haven't said anything. I'll try and come back tomorrow when I've sorted all of this out.

(He leaves the Diary room and Percy goes in.)

PERCY: Why couldn't Snape have been kicked out? I could've had my own room! And I don't know what Harry's on about, but Draco looks like he's about to kill someone. I'm looking forward to the catered food, especially since most of us can't cook and the rest aren't allowed to. As an aside, I really wish Lucius would take those long silvery hairs out of the damn shower drain. It's so disgusting! It's going to cause a major clog and hell if I know how to fix Muggle drains. And if I see another pubic hair in the soap I'll scream!

First Eviction -- VOTING
Dobby got one vote.
Lockhart got three votes.

DAY 3 - MONDAY HIGHLIGHTS

(Monday morning Harry is awakened by Wood, who is fully dressed in his Quidditch robes and carrying his broomstick. It is still dark outside.)

OLIVER: C'mon, Harry, get up. We're going to practice some Quidditch. There's no reason to let our skills go to pot while we're here. We've got to face Slytherin when we get back to Hogwarts, remember? Get up now, I'll go fetch Draco and Ron.
HARRY: But...it's not even 5 a.m.! And Ron doesn't play Quidditch...
OLIVER: He does now! Get out of bed and meet me in the backyard in ten minutes.

(Ron is sleeping soundly with smile on his lips when he is rudely jostled by a leather wrist-guard wearing arm. He turns over and tries to ignore whoever it is, but the person won't stop. Begrudgingly Ron turns over to face his tormenter.)

RON: Wood! What's wrong?
OLIVER: Nothing, just get your butt out of bed, we're going to play some Quidditch!
RON: I don't play...I haven't even got a broom...Hey it's dark outside!
OLIVER: I've got a broom for you and you can learn as you go.
RON: No way. Flying around in the pitch black of night isn't safe for my bones. I like them unbroken, you see.
OLIVER: Oh I won't let anything happen to you, Ron, you know that. Come on, now, Harry's coming. I've gotta wake Draco.
RON: Draco? Oh now, no way am I going. Get yourself another Beater... or Chaser or whatever you wanted me to do.
OLIVER: Ron get out of that bed right now!
RON: Do you have to sound like my mum?
OLIVER: I haven't played Quidditch in three days. Do you see the maniacal glint in my eye? (leaned in close so Ron can see into his eyes)
RON: Uh, no.
OLIVER: Fine. I'll give you 50 Galleons to get up and play Quidditch with us. You can choose your position, even.
RON: 50 Galleons? Can you afford that?
OLIVER: Don't ask questions. Yes or no?
RON: All right , then.
OLIVER: Meet us in the backyard.

(Draco is mumbling in his sleep when Oliver creeps over to Draco's bed. He goes to wake him then stops and listens. Ron quietly slips out of bed and stands next to Oliver.)

RON: (Whispering) What's he saying?

(Oliver shakes his head)

DRACO: Mmmm...more...like that.....yeah.... (breathes heavily)....What are you doing here?

(Oliver and Ron freeze, thinking Draco has awakened, but then realize the blond Slytherin is still sound asleep.)

DRACO: Five more minutes...mmm...hhhmmmm....your tongue....so wet....( stirring and starting to thrash in his sleep) ... you can't have him!...NO!....

(Draco bolts upright in bed in a cold sweat and screams)

DRACO: I'M NOT A FERRET!

(He looks around him and his face registers relief when he sees that it was just a dream. When he spots Wood and Ron, his expression changes to fear, then malice.)

DRACO: What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?
RON: Pardon? I sleep in here, you ninny.
DRACO: Not YOU, Weasel. YOU.
OLIVER: It's time to get up, time for Quidditch practice.
RON: You were talking in your sleep, Malfoy. Sounded pretty gross.
DRACO: (surprised) I was? I don't remember that.
RON: Yeah, something about a tongue being wet. Trust me, I do not want to know.
DRACO: (blushing wildly) I wouldn't tell you about it anyway. Not like your dreams are half as interesting as mine you Weasel.
OLIVER: Enough. Let's get downstairs and get some game.
DRACO: I haven't agreed to play Quidditch at this ungodly hour, Wood.
OLIVER: Well, Harry's waiting for us so--
DRACO: Fine. I'll go, but only because I want to make sure I'm in top form for when Slytherin takes you Gryffindors to task once we're out of this hellhole and back at school.

(Ron rolls his eyes and heads downstairs with Wood. They meet Harry and Draco shows up soon after. The boys play an awkward game of Quidditch, not having hoops to throw the Quaffle through, nor enough players to make practice worthwhile. Harry and Draco have the most fun flying side by side, banging and bumping each other, trying to unseat the other. They search for the Snitch and fly furiously around and around until dawn breaks. Finally, Draco catches the Snitch.)

DRACO: You're slipping, Potter.
HARRY: I'm not even fully awake, Malfoy.

(Ron zooms past on his broomstick with Wood trailing after him. He's a horrid flyer and it's all Wood can do to just get him back down in one piece.)

RON: HELP!

(Harry and Draco exchange glances as they realize Ron is out of control and they both take off in pursuit as if Ron were a Golden Snitch. They fly past Hermione and Ginny's bedroom window and the two girls, still groggy with sleep, open the window and peer out.)

HERMIONE: What's going on out there?
GINNY: Ron, what are you doing on a broomstick, you know you failed flying!
RON: (Zooming past at breakneck speed) Thanks for reminding meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
HERMIONE: I'll get my wand--oh wait, no magic. Ginny, go get the emergency wand, we may need it!

(Ginny runs out of the room and bumps straight into Dobby, who was running up the stairs with the wand.)

DOBBY: Dobby thought this might be needed to help Harry Potter's friend.
GINNY: (Grabbing the wand) Thanks, Dobby!

(Ginny hands the wand to Hermione, but she can't cast at Ron since he's moving too quickly.)
HERMIONE: It won't work, he's going way too fast. LOOK OUT!

(Harry and Draco nearly collide as they chase the red haired boy around the backyard. Oliver hovers in mid-air, thinking of what to do next. The rest of the housemates crowd into Ginny and Hermione's room, peering out the window and talking and gesticulating wildly. Each housemate shouts out a possible solution to the dilemma and there is a scuffle for the emergency wand.)

SNAPE: Give it here, I can get that young idiot down!
SIRIUS: You might hit Harry or Draco - there's no way!
PERCY: As Head Boy I really have to insist that you give that wand to me.
LUCIUS: You wouldn't know how to handle a wand, you little guttersnipe. Professor, let me have it, I can take care of this mess in a heartbeat.

(Percy, Lucis, Sirius and Snape all grab at the wand, which falls to the floor. Someone steps on it, breaking it in two clean pieces. The scuffle abruptly ends as everyone stares at the wand, halved on the floor.)

DOBBY: Ohhh, Big Brother will surely punish us all, Sirs!
LUCIUS: Shut up, Dobby.
SNAPE: Big Brother doesn't need to know.
SIRIUS: But he is always watching...he'll know.

(The housemates stop and look up and around them as if trying to find cameras on the ceiling. Not finding any, they breathe a collective sigh of relief. Outside, Harry and Draco are still chasing Ron and Oliver has landed and dismounted in the yard.)

OLIVER: A little to the left there...Ron can you lower the--watch out!
RON: I'M TRYING!
DRACO: Get out of my way, Harry, I can take care of this!
HARRY: OH no you don't, Malfoy, you'll get Ron killed!
DRACO: You may think I'm an arsehole, but I'm no killer, Potter--Now move it! I'm going in!
HARRY: NO! ROOOOOON!

(Ron begins to freefall and Harry charges forward to catch him. Draco does the same and the two boys end up grabbing Ron at the very last second and colliding in a heap on the grass. The housemates fall over each other trying to get downstairs and finally make it out onto the lawn to find Draco, Ron and Harry a mass of jumbled arms, legs and broomsticks.)

HERMIONE: Ron! Harry! Are you ok? ....Where are you?
GINNY: (poking at a foot) Whose is this?
DRACO: Get your hands off my toes!
RON: (moaning) I think I've broken something.
SIRIUS: At least Lockhart's not around to screw that up again.
PERCY: I think that's part of Ron's broomstick over there.
GINNY: Ron, don't worry, your broom broke -- that's all.
RON: Oh joy. Now will you please get Draco's broomstick out of my crotch?
DRACO: I think I'm sitting on Harry's glasses.
HARRY: No, I'm wearing my glasses.
DRACO: Well I'm sitting on SOMETHING hard.
HARRY: I think it's my broom...let me...just pull it...out...
DRACO: Hey! Get outta there!
HARRY: I'm just getting my Firebolt back!
RON: (whimpering) Someone please rescue me.

(Once the boys are disentangled and brought inside, the intercom clicks on.)

BB: Oliver Wood to the Diary Room immediately!

(Everyone glances at Wood, who hangs his head and enters the small room.

BB: You placed Ron Weasley's life in danger by bribing him to play Quidditch. You know he is not wealthy and took matters into your own hands for a selfish joyride. You are hereby banned from playing Quidditch for the next two weeks. If you ever place any of your housemates lives in danger again you will be evicted on the spot. Is this understood?

OLIVER: (quietly) Yes.

(Oliver leaves the Diary room in tears and heads up to his room. The housemates watch him go.)

HERMIONE: I wonder what Big Brother said to him?
HARRY: (rubbing his bruised elbow) We'll find out soon enough.

(Hermione goes over to Ron, who is laying on the sofa with his eyes closed.)

HERMIONE: Ron, are you...ok?
RON: (looking at her) I should never have trusted Wood.
HERMIONE: How did you get up there in the first place?
RON: He told me he'd pay me 50 Galleons if I'd play this morning. I was pretty stupid to take him up on it.
HERMIONE: No, it was his fault. He's older and more experienced.
RON: I guess. (pausing) Hermione?
HERMIONE: Yes?
RON: Ahh...nothing.

(Everyone sits down to breakfast in the kitchen except Ron, who stays on the sofa.)

PERCY: I need a cup of coffee.
DOBBY: Dobby has made a fresh pot, Sir. Something by the name of Maxwell House. Dobby hopes you enjoy it, Sir.
PERCY: Thanks, Dobby.
DOOBY: It is Dobby's pleasure to serve you, Sir.
PERCY: Umm...yeah. (sips his coffee and reads the morning Daily Prophet)
SIRIUS: I'll have a cup, too Dobby. I take mine Black. Get it? Ha ha! (slaps his knee but grows silent as no one laughs with him.)

(Harry heads upstairs and steps out onto the balcony, which faces the front of the property. Soon after, Draco joins him.)

HARRY: What do you want now, Malfoy?
DRACO: I just wanted to ... see if you were all right. That was some pretty amazing flying we did today.
HARRY: Just like you, Draco, giving yourself compliments. (puts his hand up) Just save it.
DRACO: You called me Draco.
HARRY: That IS your name, isn't it?
DRACO: Yes but you usually call me Malfoy.
HARRY: (sighs) So what? Look, I've had one hell of a day already and the day's just begun, so if you don't mind I'd really just like to stand out here alone and get some fresh air and maybe possibly I'll hurl myself over this railing and not have to listen to you or anyone else anymore!
DRACO: (silent for a moment) You wouldn't actually do that, right?
HARRY: What do you care? You hate me, anyway. I'd think you'd be glad to see me gone.
DRACO: Not necessarily.
HARRY: What does THAT mean? Oh you know what? Just forget it. I'm going inside. Just forget we ever had this conversation.

(Harry goes to push past Draco but Draco puts an arm out and gently stops him. Harry looks at Draco quizzically for a moment, surprised.)

HARRY: What?
DRACO: You wouldn't really try to off yourself would you, Potter?
HARRY: Unfortunately for you, MALFOY (he made sure to emphasize this), I would not. Now let me go.
DRACO: As you wish.

(Draco drops his hand and Harry leaves, looking back once in confusion. Draco stays on the balcony for a minute, then goes inside.)

NOMINATIONS

SNAPE: I nominate Lucius Malfoy for 2 points because he is extremely messy and leaves hairs in the sink drain.
(Percy guffaws and Snape give shim a harsh look)
He also took one of my potions yesterday morning--
LUCIUS: I thought it was hair tonic!
SNAPE: As I was saying, Lucius for 2 points. I nominate Harry Potter for 1 point because he's......up to something.
SIRIUS: Well, I nominate Ginny for 2 points because I don't think a young girl like her should be subjected to all of this rivalry and foulness. Hermione is older and I think she can deal with it better. I also nominate Oliver Wood because he is driving me crazy about not being able to play Quidditch and he nearly got Ron killed today not to mention Harry and Draco.
RON: I nominate Draco Malfoy for 2 points because he talks in his sleep which is disturbing enough--

(Harry shoots a quick glance over to Draco, who sits stone faced as he listens to Ron)

--and I don't like having to sleep with him. I mean share a room with him. And he hates me, so that's reason enough. I nominate Lucius Malfoy for 1 point because he hates me too only I at least don't have to sleep with him. Dammit, I mean bunk with him.
DOBBY: Dobby nominates himself for 2 points, Sir, because he feels he has not been a good House Elf to the Housemates. He could have done more to help with Mr. Malfoy's hair in the drains and he could have cleaned up more. Dobby regretfully nominates Mr. Malfoy because if he goes, then the rest of the house will not have to deal with his hair issues.
HERMIONE: I nominate Oliver Wood for 2 points because he was irresponsible and he really needs to get this Quidditch thing out of his system. I nominate Snape for 1 point because he's anti-social and lazy.
GINNY: I nominate Sirius for 2 points because I don't think he should have nominated me based on such a lame reason! And I nominate Oliver Wood for 1 point because he nearly got my brother hurt or even killed. That was totally irresponsible.
OLIVER: Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, everyone. I nominate Lucius Malfoy for 2 points on the grounds that he started the fight that broke the emergency wand. I nominate Snape for 1 point. He keeps looking at me funny, like I'm crazy or something.

(Hermione nudges Ron)

HERMIONE: (Whispering) Gee, how could he tell?
RON: (laughs quietly) Don't we all look at Wood that way?
LUCIUS: I never realized my hair caused so many problems for all of you. One must deal with jealousy when one is given such healthy shining locks, but I did not expect almost the entire house to be in an uproar over it. But I digress. I nominate Mr. Potter for 2 points because he nearly got Draco killed this morning during that godforsaken "quidditch" game. I nominate Miss Granger for 1 point because she's not of pure wizard blood.
RON: Hey!
BB: Mr. Weasley will remind himself that Lucius can nominate whomever he chooses based on any reasons he wants.

(Ron bites his lip and sneers at Lucius, who caresses his snake stick lovingly.)

PERCY: I nominate Lucius Malfoy for 2 points. I'm sure it's his public hair I found in the soap. That was just plain psychically disturbing and I'm yet to recover. I nominate Professor Snape for 1 point because he fancies the Dark Arts.
HARRY: Well, I nominate Lucius for 2 points because he's a known Death Eater and he also broke the emergency wand, at least I think he did from what I've heard. I nominate Ron for 1 point for stuff I can't mention here but it was pretty bad.

(Ron looks over at Harry in surprise. Hermione gapes at Harry incredulously. Harry avoids their eyes but can feel their gazes boring into him. His face burns with anger and embarassment at recalling his two best friends snogging in the upstairs closet.)

DRACO: I nominate Ginny Weasley for 2 points because of obvious reasons and Ron Weasley for 1 point for reasons I won't mention.

(an hour later the housemates are gathered in the living room.)

BB: Good Afternoon, this is Big Brother. This week there are Three Nominations. They are: Lucius Malfoy, Ginny Weasley and Oliver Wood. Thank you.

HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 4

(While Snape and Sirius fight over the remote control, Draco roams the house looking for Harry and can't find him. He checks the closets but only finds Ron and Hermione intertwined again.)

DRACO: Ugh, not again! It's too early for this sorta stuff!
RON: Leave it, Malfoy! (Pulling door shut again.)

(As Draco heads around the corner he bumps straight into Ginny.)

Ginny: Ow! Watch where you're going!
DRACO: ME? How about you? You could get hurt charging around like that. What's the rush?
GINNY: I'm looking for Harry. Have you seen him?
DRACO: Hells no. I've been looking for him but all I found was your brother and that mudblood snogging again.
GINNY: Don't talk that way about Herm--WHAT?
DRACO: Yeah. In that closet right there. (Points) Now if you'll excuse me. (he heads downstairs, taking the stairs two at a time, leaving Ginny in shock. When she recovers, she heads straight for the Diary room.)
GINNY: I can't believe it. Ron and Hermione? Where'd THAT come from? The way he always talked about Fleur...(shakes head) I just don't get it. And I'm worried about Harry. He wasn't at breakfast and Draco's chasing him all around. I wouldn't e surprised if he were deliberately hiding from that Slytherin snake. (pauses) I have to admit though...Draco does look kind of cute when he's all flushed...but he's nowhere near as cute as Harry. And Lucius...yuck. He gives me the heeby jeebies.

(Upstairs, Percy is looking for Harry as well. He pulls open the closet door, seeing his brother and Hermione kissing, and promptly shuts it.)

PERCY: I must be seeing things.

(He opens the door again and sees two guilty looking faces staringat him.

RON: Can't a guy get some privacy?
PERCY: (to Hermione) Excuse me, Hermione, but Ron and I need to talk.

(He pushes his way into the closet as Hermione exist and shuts the door, leaving her standing in the hallway, mouth agape.)

PERCY: Just what do you think you're doing, Ron?
RON: That's none of your business. You may have been a Prefect at school but we're not in school now.
PERCY: I can still report you to Mum and Dad.
RON: Then I'LL tell them about you and Penelope Clearwater. Don't think I don't know what you two were up to just before we came here. "Saying your goodbyes" I believe you called it. But I call it -
PERCY: All right. (grinding his teeth) If you're going to be that way about it.
RON: I am.

(Out in the hall, Hermione is still waiting for the brothers to emerge from the closet when Ginny comes up the stairs.)

GINNY: I thought you and Ron were...you know.
HERMIONE: He's in there with Percy now.
GINNY: Ow. Images. Bad images.
HERMIONE: Not like THAT!
GINNY: Thank heavens. Really Hermione I don't know what you see in Ron. He can be a real jerk.
HERMIONE: I know, But that's just his way. It's different when you're not related to him.
GINNY: I have to admit I do have a crush on someone in the house right now.
HERMIONE: Oh please assure me it's not Snape!
GINNY: (Laughing) Ewww! No! (whispers) It's Harry.
HERMIONE: Oh that's no secret!
GINNY: (squeaks) What?
HERMIONE: C'mon Ginny. He knows you like him. We all do. It's been obvious for a few years now.
GINNY: Well he must not like me since he never does anything about it.
HERMIONE: I think Harry's just kind of shy.
GINNY: Maybe.

(The door of the closet opens and Percy emerges, smoothing his robes.)

PERCY: Now Ron don't forget what we agreed--Oh, hello ladies. If you'll excuse me. (He heads back downstairs.)

HERMIONE: Ron, what was that all about?
RON: Just Percy being his normal gitty self.
GINNY: I'm going to leave you two to get back to whatever you were doing.
HERMIONE: We're not doing anything right now. (shoots a look to Ron who pulled a hurt face.) Why don't we all go downstairs?
RON: I kinda like the closet, myself...(winking at Hermione)
HERMIONE: Not now Ron. Your brother successfully killed the mood.
GINNY: (giggling) You two are pretty funny.
HERMIONE: What are you laughing about? And don't tell anybody about this. I know Percy and Draco and Harry know but I don't want it announced to the whole bleeding house.
GINNY: I won't tell.
HERMIONE: Good.

(Meanwhile downstairs, Snape, Lucius and Oliver Wood are sitting at the kitchen table, finishing their late breakfast.)

LUCIUS: Tomorrow is another Challenge day. I gather you two are prepared?
OLIVER: How can we prepare for it if we don't find out what it is until tomorrow?
LUCIUS: One can always prepare mentally for whatever sadistic task Big Brother has planned.
SNAPE: I have a mind to think Big Brother has it in for us. (He sneers) Babies! What next?
LUCIUS: I could think of a few wonderful Challenges for this house, but I would not want to take part in them for obvious reasons.
OLIVER: Yeah, you'd devise something that'd get us all killed.
LUCIUS: How bright you are, young Wood.
OLIVER: But seriously, what do you think it will be?
SNAPE: As long as it doesn't involve wearing women's clothing I'm sure I can handle it.
LUCIUS: Big Brother can't be THAT sadistic.
SNAPE: Without magic, what can he possibly have us do?
OLIVER: Paint the living room for one. Maybe something more involved.
SNAPE: MORE involved? (He flips his long black hair out of his face and sips his mug of java with a "harumph!")
OLIVER (rising) If you'll excuse me, Professor Snape, Mr. Malfoy.

(Oliver heads out into the backyard and spots Draco roaming the property, looking behind bushes and shrubs.)

OLIVER: Malfoy, what are you up to over there?
DRACO: I can't find Potty.
OLIVER: The bathroom's inside the house, unless you really want to relieve yourself in the bushes. I don't think that would go over well with Big Brother.
DRACO: Not A Potty, numbnuts. POTTER. As in "the Famous Harry".
OLIVER: Why do you think he'd be in the bushes?
DRACO: (snidely) Because he's nowhere to be found inside the house and we're not allowed off the property? So where else would he BE?
OLIVER: (concerned) He's not inside?
DRACO: No. I looked everywhere. And I found all sorts of nasty stuff but I didn't find Potter.
OLIVER: Hmmm. Is there an attic on this place?
DRACO: (getting an idea) I have an idea. I think I know where he is.

(Draco takes off running before Oliver can question him. He goes up to his room, grabs his Nimbus 2001 and flies out the window. He circles the house, going higher and higher until he had a bird's eye view of the roof. Nestled in an eave on the north side of the house, he finds Harry Potter sitting quietly with his knees drawn up to his chest. He looks distraught. For a moment Draco contemplates disturbing him, then decides to make his presence known.)

DRACO: Hey Potter, what the hell are you doing all the way up here?

(Harry looks up in surprise to see Draco hovering in front of him.)

HARRY: What do YOU want? Can't you just let me alone?
DRACO: You could fall and break your neck, you know.
HARRY: What do you care?
DRACO: Well if you break your neck I won't get to beat you at the Challenge tomorrow, that's why I care. I want to relish the look of defeat on your slimy gob.
HARRY: What if we're on the same team?
DRACO: Trust me, I'm not ever going to be on your team, if you know what I mean. (He waggles his eyebrows somewhat suggestively at Harry.)
HARRY: I'm not the one with gallons of hair gel slathered on my head. At least I don't keep cosmetics around like that.
DRACO: Hair gel isn't a cosmetic, you fool.
HARRY: Isn't it? You have to make sure you're all pretty before you go out, don't you? I see you in the bathroom every morning taking great pains with your hair, tweezing your eyebrows--
DRACO: There's no shame in good hygiene and grooming. But I guess you don't know much about that, do you?
HARRY: Go away, Malfoy. I didn't ask you to come up here.
DRACO: (flying close to the roof and dismounting onto the eave. He sits next to Harry.) So? I can go wherever I please.
HARRY: There's no room for you here.
DRACO: Just move over. (He nudges Harry over for more room to sit.)
HARRY: Get your elbow out of my ribs!
DRACO: Don't get your knickers in a twist! Hey guess what?
HARRY: Fucking hell. (exasperated) What?
DRACO: I caught Weasel and his little tart back in the closet again.
HARRY: You come up here just to piss me off, Malfoy? Cause you're this close to getting shoved off this roof. And if you say another unkind word about Ron or Hermione, that Nimbus 2001 is going to be shoved up your ass.
DRACO: Man you're fiery today. I've never seen you so...bitchy. Got your period or something, Potty?
HARRY: No but I do have a pain in my ass and it's sitting right next to me with plastic hair and a crooked nose.
DRACO: I do not have a crooked nose!
HARRY: Yes you do! It skewers straight off to the left. Haven't you ever noticed? You spend enough time looking in the mirror.
DRACO: I do NOT have a crooked nose! You're just jealous!
HARRY: (laughing) Jealous of what, pray tell?
DRACO: Let's just say you haven't seen me in the shower yet.
HARRY: And I hope I never do!
DRACO: (grabbing his broom and mounting it. He hovers for a moment in front of Harry) Trust me, Potter. You don't know what you're missing. (He raises his eyebrows again and speeds off on his Nimbus.)

(Harry stays on the roof, thinking carefully about what Draco had said. Curiosity rose inside him like a wave. He made a mental note to find out exactly what Draco meant about showering with him.)