Hogwarts Meets FanFictionNet!

Hogwarts Meets FanFiction.net: Part II

"Wow, Harry, that girl, what's her name?"

"White, Ron, Maria White."

"Yeah, well, she's good!"

"But," put in Colin, "not as good as Harry. Remember that, Ron."

"Yes, but still...."

The four Gryffindors were returning to their Common Room, discussing the Quidditch match they had just witnessed. White, the new Ravenclaw Seeker, was indeed quite good, and she also had a Firebolt. Her family was very wealthy, even if they were Muggles, and Maria White was in her third year at Hogwarts. Hermione had shown up in time to see the second half of the match, but the game hadn't lasted long--White had caught the snitch in record time. Suddenly Hermione stopped and began staring fixedly at the base of a statue of a sphinx.

"Colin, isn't that your laptop?"

Colin walked over to the statue and picked it up. "Yeah, it is. I wonder how it got here. I thought I left it in the Common Room."

Harry glanced at Ron, nervously. "Umm...Colin? I think you left it with Fred and George."

"Oh no," exclaimed Hermione. "You'd better see if they've done anything to it. Er, be careful opening it though, we wouldn't want it exploding or anything like that...."

Colin nodded his head violently as he agreed. "Definitely not!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione follow him over to the statue and sat down. Colin cautiously opened the Muggle device, holding it far away from him, an expression of extreme apprehension on his features. Nothing happened. The foursome breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness," Colin said, gratefully. Then he perked up. "I say, we never did see if there are any stories about Harry!"

"Colin, I really don't--" But Colin had already selected Harry's name from the list of characters.

"Asking Ginny?" Hermione raised a skeptical eyebrow and glanced over at Ron. He looked completely clueless, as was usual when it came to anything subtle.

"Alright," answered Colin, misunderstanding her tone entirely.

Harry, who was always a little more alert to that sort of thing, particularly where he was concerned, went a rather strange shade of red.

They read the first chapter in silence. Then Ron burst out, "What do you mean, asking Ginny to marry you?! That's my sister we're talking about! What if you had a baby?" His face took on a pained, disgusted look. "Eww, that's just gross!" Hermione rolled her eyes ceiling-ward.

"Hey! Ron! Relax! Harry isn't asking Ginny to marry him, it's just a story!"

"Oh, right." Ron sent her a sheepish grin over Colin's head, who was still oblivious to the whole thing. They finished the story, and Hermione gave Harry a smirk that was distinctly reminiscent of Malfoy's.

"Aww, Ginny said, 'Yes.' How sweet!" she cooed.

Harry blushed an even deeper shade of pomegranate. "'S'not cute!" he mumbled incoherently. Ron was rolling on the floor, laughing uproariously. "That was great!" he choked out, between gales of laughter. "Let's get another one!"

"No, let's not," Harry stated flatly, but Colin had already clicked the 'back' button, and had selected the next link on the page:

The 'L' Word

Harry gets Ron to say the 'L' word. R/H

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The 'L' Word

By: HarryluvsRon

Harry lay on the bed next to his boyfriend, Ron, absently tracing circles on his darling's back.

"Ron?"

"Mmm...." Ron murmured sleepily.

"Do you love me?" At that, Ron came fully awake.

"Er, I don't--I can't--I mean, I like you, a lot, but I--I don't know if I--well, you know...." He trailed off miserably. Harry moved closer to the redhead lying next to him.

"You can say it, Ron, because I know you do--your eyes betray you," whispered Harry seductively in Ron's ear.

"Rubbish!" answered Ron, unconvincingly. "My eyes do nothing of the sort. And I don't love you--yet."

"I'll make you," responded Harry calmly, as he licked Ron's ear in a sensual gesture of affection. Ron shuddered, enjoying the delicious feeling. Soon, Harry had moved downwards, toward his lover's lip. Ron ******* his head, ******* Harry's **** **** his. Harry expertly ******** his ****** **** ***** ******, ******* and ********* every ***** ** *** ****** *******. Ron ******* *******, as Harry ********* *** **** ** *** ****** **** *** ******. ****** ******** ************* * ***** ****** ******* ******** ************* ***** ******* ****** ****** ******** ************. ********** *************** ******** ************* * *** *** ****** ********* ********************* ** ********* ******* ********* ******* .******* ********** ************** ******************* **** *********** *************** ******** ***************** ******** *** ***** ******** ***** ********** **** *** ******* ****** **** * ***** ******* **** ******** ****** **** ******* ************ ****** *********** ************* ****** ************** ****** ************ ********** ** ** *** ** ***** ***** ** **** ******* ****. (This goes on for a very, very, very long time, in detail calculated to make even the least prudish human cringe.)

"Harry," breathed Ron, as he sighed in contentment, "I love you."

Review, review, review, review!

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Hermione was the first to break the stunned silence. "THAT IS ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU GUYS DO THAT! AND RON, THE NERVE, MAKING ME THINK YOU LIKED ME, WHEN ALL ALONG YOU'VE BEEN WITH HARRY OF ALL PEOPLE!" Hermione yelled loudly, evidently forgetting her own advice.

At Hermione's first piercing shriek, Ron and Harry began babbling senselessly at each other.

"There is no way I'm doing that to you, Ronald Weasley, so don't even think about--"

"I do not like you that why Harry, I'm straight as--"

"--absurd idea, completely repulsive--"

"--hate that. I'm leaving--I'm not associating with--"

"--say 'goodbye' right now, Weasley, because I--"

Colin looked wildly from Harry to Ron. When they both sprinted off in opposite directions, and Hermione had run away in tears, he said, to no one in particular, "Wow.... The famous Harry Potter is fruity. Wait till Parvati and Lavender hear about this."

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Meanwhile, Sirius had arrived at Hogwarts in an anything but stealthy manner. He had not specified which fireplace he wanted to arrive by, and had stumbled out into the office he least wanted to end up in, and saw in front of him the last person on earth he wanted to see just then--Severus Snape.

"Oh, no...."

"Black! What are you doing here, especially after that prank you played on me, which I do not in least appreciate--"

"What prank?" asked Sirius, extremely confused, and choosing to ignore, for once, the nasty tone the Potions Master used when addressing him.

"That prank, you idiot, involving that flat black thing, with the absurd story about me and that bloody werewolf being lovers! I would have thought that you would have gained enough sense not to involve others in your stupid jokes, but it would appear that Azkaban taught you nothing," spat Snape contemptuously. Sirius' hackles rose at the false accusation, Remus being called a 'bloody werewolf' instead of being acknowledged as a being with intelligence and feeling, as well as the mention of his undeserved stay in Azkaban prison.

"I," he shot back, "have neither played, nor planned, a prank on you for the last fourteen years or so! At the moment, I would like to speak to my godson, and/or your pupil, that Malfoy whelp!"

"You keep a civil tongue in your head, Black, or I'll blast it out! If you want to talk to Potter," the name was uttered as though it were the worst swear word in existence, "then I suggest you head to the Quidditch pitch. Oh, I forgot--you can't go walking around freely like the rest of us, or you'll end up worse than dead, as you well deserve." Sirius growled at this, but he merely transformed, and tore out of Snape's office.

When Sirius/Snuffles/Padfoot reached the foot of the dungeon stairwell, a person began making his way down. After a moment, Sirius recognized the figure, though the scent was strange. Malfoy! A low growl found its way out of the large black dog's throat. Draco froze halfway down the stairs. As Sirius charged up the stairs, Draco turned tail and, with an ear-splitting girlish shriek, began tearing back up the stairway, the dog hard on his heels.

Sirius chased Malfoy for a long time. Just as Draco was certain that the Malfoy dynasty was likely to come to a gruesome end, the silver-blond haired teenager saw that he had come to an already dead end. He turned, whimpering pitifully, to face his pursuer. Quickly, he darted past Sirius as the Animagus lumbered towards him. Suddenly, he remembered that he had his wand. Why not use it? He turned around again, wand out this time, a spell on his lips. For one reason of another, Draco's curse missed and hit the opposite wall. Sirius had turned himself around by now, and was running back towards Malfoy, skidding on the stone floor. The Slytherin turned yet again, panic over taking him once more. As he fled, Draco wished only for a place to hide. Suddenly, to his left, he saw a small wooden door, that certainly had not been there when he had run past that section of wall the past two times.... Still, Draco did not look his given horse in the mouth, and threw himself at the promise of salvation, slamming the door behind him. Spread out before him, an enormous room, full to over flowing with excellent hiding places, coyly invited him to use them. He accepted the invitation without hesitation and hid as fast as he could in a dusty old wardrobe.

Sirius returned to his human form and frown darkly at the innocent looking wooden door before him. Drat that Room of Requirement. Who knew what the Malfoy brat had been wishing for when he ran in there.... Shrugging, Sirius opened the door and gasped in annoyance at what he saw. It looked like an attic. An attic filled full of trunks, closets, dressing screens, dressers, cabinets--just about everything would serve as a hiding place for a slim teen. The lot was draped with cobwebs, old clothes and covered in dust. In one corner sat an old grand piano, on top of which was a stuffed reindeer. Curious, Sirius made his way over to it, tripping over the junk scattered over the floor. When he finally reached the reindeer, which was wearing a red hat with a bell at the end and a red, faux ermine fur-trimmed, fake velvet coat, he noticed that there was a message on its hoof/hand. Embroidered on its right--hoof/hand/appendage/thingy--in bright red letters were the words, 'Press me'. Sirius pressed. Instantly, the room began reverberating with the electronic tones of 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer'. Sirius, shocked, took several hasty steps back, and fell into a basket of--lacy women's lingerie. After realizing what the soft material he had landed on was, Sirius leapt up with an unearthly screech. In his wardrobe, Draco cowered. The reindeer had now begun disco dancing to 'Frosty the Snowman.' Sirius looked back at it to discover, to his horror, that the right hand of the stuffed Muggle annoyance now read, 'Sirius sucks' in bright green metallic letters. The ex-convict transformed, and Sirius/Snuffles/Padfoot ripped that reindeer to shreds, snarling viciously all the while. In his wardrobe, Draco whimpered for his daddy.

In his dog form, however, Sirius' sharpened hearing caught Draco's sniveling. He abruptly stopped tearing up the stuffed reindeer, which was now a simple pile of synthetic batting, and bounded over the piles of junk to the wardrobe. He transformed back to Sirius and opened the wardrobe.

Draco screamed so loud, that down in the kitchen, the eggs a house elf was whisking for dinner inexplicably curdled.

Admittedly, Draco did have reason to scream. For one thing, Sirius hadn't bothered to brush his hair. The dark locks, which usually fell sleekly to just about the bottom of his ears, stood up in all directions, a tangled, unkempt mess that rivaled even Harry's hair on a bad day. He had dark circles under his eyes and a rather wild air about him from the excitement of tearing up the reindeer. The young Slytherin took one look at the supposed murderer and pushed past him running wildly in entirely the wrong direction for escape. Sirius ran after him, shouting, "Wait, wait, I just want to talk to you for a second." This made Draco run even faster. Unfortunately, in his headlong flight, Draco caught his foot in a hatbox and fell face first into the lingerie Sirius had discovered earlier. When he surfaced again, the boy's head was adorned with a flattering, ice blue g-string, wore a bright purple thong around his neck, and had a creamy-colored lace push up bra in the correct place, though it was not, of course, fastened. Draco picked himself up and shrieked again as Sirius made a move to dive on him. Sirius landed in the same fashion Draco had, (the Slytherin in question had turned around and was heading for the door,) and when he surfaced, he had a burnt orange silk bra around his neck, several various unmentionables tucked neatly down his collar, and a v-string looped coquettishly around each ear. He took off after Draco again.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Parvati and Lavender were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, listening to Colin's tale with wide eyes.

"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Lavender. "Harry can't be gay, I know for a fact that he has a crush on Hermione!"

"No," said Parvati in protest, "He does not like Hermione, he liked that Ravenclaw girl."

"But I thought--" What Lavender thought was never discovered, for Hermione burst through the portrait hole, crying profusely, and tore up the stairs to the girls' dormitory. Parvati and Lavender looked at each other with raised eyebrows, then simultaneously rose, and followed her.

A few minutes later they came down looking grave.

"It's true--the famous Harry Potter is gay."

The few other Gryffindors in the Common Room gasped.

"No!"

"Impossible!"

"Ridiculous!"

"It's true." Parvati nodded sagely. "Hermione's just told us so."

Colin looked at his watch. "Hey, it's time for lunch!" He ran up to his dormitory and deposited the laptop on his bed. Then he rushed back downstairs to find that everyone else had gone to the Great Hall for lunch, even Hermione; she was leaving through the portrait hole as he came down. The Muggle-born Gryffindor hurried after her.

Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Draco and Snape were not at lunch, which was beef stew and buttered bread, but no one noticed, for some fifteen minutes after everyone had served themselves, Draco's whereabouts became known to all in a rather violent fashion.

The Gryffindors, and everyone else, were all shocked when Draco came tearing into the Great Hall, sporting, of all things, women's lingerie. He came running down the hall, a look of utmost terror on his face, screaming like a girly man all the while, and threw himself at Headmaster Dumbledore's feet, sobbing hysterically. If that wasn't disturbing enough, he was soon follow by none other that the escaped criminal, Sirius Black! He came running in after Draco, also decked out in various unmentionables, yelling, "I want to talk to you, that's all! Slow down!" Most people were so confused by this that they didn't know whether they should be fleeing in terror, or laughing their guts out. Chaos erupted, further helped by Peeves, who somehow managed to get into the Great Hall, and who began throwing handfuls of stew at any student he could reach.

Professor McGonagall stood up and started demanding order at the top of her lungs, but she was quickly silenced when Peeves threw a great bowlful of warm stew at her, shouting, "The smarty mouthed Professor should shut up and eat!" Further chaos was added to the mix when Harry, Fred and Remus ran into the hall, followed quickly thereafter by Ron, George and Snape. Snape started yelling at Remus about how he did not want to see him again, he already had a girlfriend, at which Parvati and Lavender squealed excitedly before Peeves shut them up the same way he had silenced McGonagall.

Ron and Harry began yelling all sorts of things along the same lines as Snape, and Fred and George followed suit. Remus stared wide-eyed at Sirius, who had reached Draco before the werewolf showed up and was now rolling around on the floor with the Slytherin boy, underwear flying, and then fainted dead away. Draco, who was clueless as to why all these things were happening to him, was bawling loudly. "Daaaaddy, save meeee! Aiiiiiiiiheeeeee! Waahahahahaaaa!"

"SILENCE!" roared Dumbledore over the noise. Everyone instantly obeyed. "Now," the Headmaster continued, conversationally as though nothing had happened, "Would Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Black please explain their situation one at a time, and then I would appreciate it if anyone else could enlighten me as to what is going on here. Oh, and Flitwick, I would thank you to rouse Mr. Lupin--he seems to have fainted."

Gradually, the whole thing came out.

"Where is this 'laptop'?" asked Dumbledore.

"Umm...In my dormitory, sir," piped Colin nervously.

"Ah, Mr. Creevey. Would you be so kind as to fetch it for me?"

"S-sure, sir," he stuttered, and fairly flew out of the hall. Several minutes later, he returned, panting. "It's gone!"

In the silence that followed this statement, Harry suddenly exclaimed, "My scar!"

To be continued....