Hogwarts Meets FanFictionNet!

Hogwarts Meets FanFiction.net: Part I

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, doing homework, on a Saturday. Harry and Ron did not want to be doing homework on a Saturday, but Hermione had threatened to slip an uninhibited Truth Potion into their pumpkin juice at lunch if they didn't. Of course, the two boys had opted for doing homework rather than blurt out their secrets for the whole school to gossip about, because they had no doubt that Hermione could and would carry out her threat.

"Ugh! This potions essay is ridiculously long! How am I supposed to write four feet on antidotes in two days?" Ron demanded.

He received no answer beyond a shrug from Harry and a raised eyebrow from Hermione. Ron rolled his eyes and returned to his work, heaving a tremendously exaggerated sigh as he did so. The trio worked on in silence for another fifteen minutes until an explosion from the corner behind them caused them all to jump.

"Fred! Quit the racket! I'm trying to study!"

Fred looked up from what he and his twin were messing with, carefully hidden behind their backs, and cooed, "Ooo, ickle Ronniekins is studying! His girlfriend's a bad influence on him."

The tips of Ron's ears went red, and he muttered, "Oh, be quiet!"

Hermione opened her mouth to give some scathing remark, by was interrupted by Colin Creevy bursting through the portrait hole, yelling excitedly.

"Harry, Hermione, look what I've got!" He held up a flat, black object. Harry looked puzzled, Ron looked clueless and Hermione appeared no less bewildered.

"Colin, what use is that? It won't work."

"Yes it will," he replied, eagerly. "Professor Flitwick managed to charm it somehow so that it does! I don't know how."

"But why," asked Hermione, "would he let you have a laptop computer, even if it does work?"

"Because my mum was upset about all the owls. I don't know exactly why. She said something about eating us out of house and home. I only send a few every day...." Colin trailed off, frowning. "Well anyway, they thought it might work better if I used e-mail, so they sent me a laptop. They didn't know it wouldn't work, but Professor Flitwick and the Muggle Studies professor got it to work."

Ron asked, "What is a laptop, a computer, e-mail, and why wouldn't it work?"

Hermione rolled her eyes in exasperation and sighed. "Muggle objects don't work because of all the magic in the atmosphere. I've told you this before. E-mail is a way to send written messages without using post, owl or otherwise. A laptop is a computer, and a computer is the thing that sends the messages. Satisfied?"

Ron obviously was not satisfied, but he nodded anyway. "How does it work?"

"Simple," replied Colin. "You just open it up and use the button in the middle to move the arrow around and click on what you want."

"Cool. Can you show us?"

Colin nodded and plopped down on the couch. Fred and George had joined them and were looking over the back of the sofa at the computer screen.

"Whoa! That's Harry!" So it was. The desktop was a large picture of Harry about to catch the snitch.

"Where'd you find that?" asked George, awed by Colin's devotion to his hero.

"Oh," said Colin airily, "I found it. There are lots. I like this one best though, don't you?"

Harry looked uncomfortable at the idea that there were lots of pictures of him floating around in the Muggle world. "Er, do you mean Muggles know about me and Voldemort and everything?"

Colin blinked. "Oh, yes, but they think you're only in a book. By some Rowling person."

Ron looked intrigued. "Rolling person? What's that?"

Hermione slapped his hand, irritably. "Not rolling, Rowling! Stop being such an idiot!" Ron, offended, opened his mouth to retort that he was not being an idiot and he just wanted to know if it was some insane thing Muggles did or made, but Harry cut him off.

"Where exactly are all these pictures?"

"I'll show you," said Colin, cheerfully, seeming not to notice the identical smirks that the twins were exchanging in response to the glares that Ron and Hermione were sending each other, or the worried, embarrassed look on Harry's face. Colin clicked around and pressed some of the letters on the bottom panel of the 'laptop computer' and clicked around some more until he proudly displayed wallpaper after wallpaper. Some had just Harry on them and some just Ron. Ron was thrilled to find his own face plastered over the screen. There were also ones of Hermione, Draco Malfoy, ("Why in the world would anyone want to see his face plastered all over their computer!") and Tom Riddle. ("That's just freaky!") Then there were combinations. Even Ginny had a few.

"That's really neat, Colin! Is this the only stuff about us on this thing?"

Colin frowned. "Not sure. Let's find out." He pressed some more keys, click around some more and then said, "Nope. There's lot's more."

There were lines upon lines of purple letters that seemed to take you somewhere else.

"Look!" exclaimed Hermione, "There are stories!" She pointed to a line that said, FanFiction.net.

"Weird. I wonder what's there."

"Well--" said George.

"--the best way--" said Fred.

"--to find out--" said George.

"--is to try it," finished Fred.

"Alright," Colin agreed, "we'll see what happens."

He clicked. There was a collective gasp. Silence for a moment, then, "That's a lot of stories," stated Hermione, her eyes wide.

"Yes," agreed Harry. "Should we read one?"

"Alright," answered Ron readily, "that ought to be interesting--to see what Muggles have to say about us."

"Hmm...How about this one?" Colin asked, his mouse arrow on one called, 'Back to the Burrow'. "It looks interesting. It has Ron and Hermione in it."

Ron squinted at the genre: romance/general. "Er, maybe that wouldn't be--" But Colin had already clicked on it. They read it, Hermione blushing furiously, Ron staring at the screen, wide-eyed, Harry chuckling uncontrollably, and Fred and George teasing Ron practically every two paragraphs.

When they finished, Ron burst out, "But that never happened! You never--never--"

"Kissed you," filled in George matter-of-factly.

"But you wish she did," added Fred, snickering.

Ron went scarlet. "I do--"

"Oh, hush!" said Harry, flatly. "What's the use of fighting?" He grinned wickedly. "If you keep on doing that, I'll make you kiss and make up."

"Kiss and make out, you mean," muttered George under his breath, but no one heard him, which was probably a good thing.

Suddenly, Ron's watch began beeping madly.

"Hey Harry, we're late for the Quidditch match, Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw. You wanted to see that, right?"

Harry looked up, alarmed. "Yeah, I want to see that. I need to know what the new Ravenclaw seeker can do. Let's go. You coming, Colin? Hermione?"

Hermione stood up. "No, I need to go to the library to look something up. It's not in any of the books I have now. If I finish before the match is over I'll come find you, okay?"

"Alright. Colin?"

"Oh, I'll come with you, if you don't mind," said Colin, strangely shy. "Is that okay?"

"Sure, that's fine. Come on!"

With that, Ron, Harry, Hermione and Colin left the common room leaving Fred and George behind with the computer.

"What do you think, George? Reckon we ought to find more embarrassing stories about ickle Ronnie and his girl-friend?"

George grinned. "You bet!" With that, George began attempting to set up a search that would give them more Ron/Hermione stories.

"How in Merlin's name did Colin maneuver this thing so easily? I can't get it to go where I want it to!"

"Here," said Fred, "I'll do it!" He took over the arrow. "Let's see...genre: romance...reckon we ought to find a really hot and heavy one?"

George looked sick. "No, that's just gross! I mean, come on! They're not even eighteen! Keep it PG to PG-13."

"Okay, will do. Now, characters...Hey, George! Looky! We're on there."

"Sweet! Click on it!"

"Alright, here goes."

"Let's not look at the summary first, let's just click the one at the top."

"Alright, fine by me."

Fred clicked. Quickly closing his eyes, he pressed the button and opened the story at the top.

When he opened his eyes again, this is what he saw:

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Slave4U

GUESS WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUP ITS ME, FrEaKyPlOtBuNnY!!!! THIS IS MY 1^ST F/G AND I HOP U LIKE IT!!!!!!!! R/R OR ILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HEX U TO THE MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gred and Forge were on a bed. " Baby, lets make out, K?" said fred. So Fres and Jorge smacked there **** (censored, as this is PG) together and *** ***** ***** ****** for a long *****. "I WANT ***** **** **** ******* *** ** * ***********," sade Vred. "MHkay," saed Georje. And that's how **** **** ****** ***!

SO, WADDYA THINK??????!!!!!!! GOOD, HUH!!!!!!!!!! I LUV F/G THEIR SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! R/R PLZ!!!!!!! :-D

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The real Fred and George looked at each other in complete horror.

"I DO NOT LIKE YOU THAT WAY!" screamed George. "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU TWISTED PERVERT!"

"YOU GET OUT OF GRYFFINDOR TOWER! I'M NOT SLEEPING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!! I'M GOING TO GO GET McGONAGALL!" bellowed Fred.

"FINE THEN, GO, AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU DO!" With that, George grabbed the laptop out of his twin's hands and began thwacking him over the head with it. Fred ran for the portrait hole, his hands over his head, still shouting, "Twisted pervert," and "Disgusting slimeball," at the top of his lungs.

They ran into the Library and began darting through the rows of books, knocking some off the neatly organized shelves. Madam Pince, the librarian, chattered at them furiously, and joined in the chase, beating the both of them around any portion of their anatomy she could reach, shouting, "Out, out, out!" the whole while.

The twins eventually found their way out of the Library and continued running down the halls. Fred darted around a corner and rested against the wall, panting heavily. The footsteps of his pursuer echoed in the passage he had just quitted. He needed a hiding place, and fast! Looking about frantically, Fred spotted a closet in the wall a few paces away. That'll do, he thought. He threw open the door and threw himself inside, just as George turned the corner. To his horror, however, Fred was not alone. Instead of falling on cleaning supplies, as he had expected, he had landed on arms and legs. The heads attached to the arms and legs both uttered a sharp, loud shriek. The door opened, and in the light, Fred got a brief glimpse of two half-dressed seventh years before he saw stars as George hit him on the head with the laptop he still carried. Fred got to his feet and pushed past George, running down the halls again.

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George chased Fred all over the castle, until finally, after having run down into the dungeons, they hit a solid object and landed, side by side, at the feet of--

"Professor Snape!"

"Yes indeed," answered Snape, coldly. "And why, may I ask, are two Gryffindors such as yourselves in the dungeons when there's a Quidditch match?"

"We--"

"He--"

The twins glanced at each other in consternation, their quarrel temporarily forgotten. They got to their feet and unconsciously scooted closer to one another, muttering poor excuses all the while.

"Yes?" prodded Snape, still glaring cold fire at the two delinquents. Fred, a little in front of George, turned his head to look over his shoulder at his twin. George leaned forward in the same moment, trying to get Fred to look at him. Their lips met. Both of them immediately pulled back, sputtering incoherently. They stood there for a split second, frozen, then pelted off in opposite directions, screaming bloody murder, and leaving the computer to its fate.

Snape frowned, looking first one way, then another, wondering what in Grindelwald's name had gotten into the two redheaded rascals. He shrugged it off and bent to examine the object they had dropped. It was shut. The Potions Master picked it up, concealed it under his billowing black robes, and strode off in the direction of his office. Once there, he proceeded to examine the thing closely. He quickly discovered how to open it, and when he did, he squinted at the screen, trying to make sense out of what he beheld. At the top of the page was a blue line of letters. They said:

Enemies Make the Best Lovers

Severus Snape believes in holding grudges. What will happen when he falls for the person he's despised for years? Will 'hate with a passion' become 'love with a passion'? SS/RL

Well, well, well, what will they think of next? Snape marveled inwardly. I wonder what sort of thing those two troublemakers have cooked up now. What is the 'SS/RL' all about? Hmm. There's only one way to find out.... He maneuvered the arrow onto the link, and clicked.

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Enemies Make the Best Lovers

By: Charlotte's Grace

Severus Snape looked out of his bedroom window. The moon shone through it, sending silvery beams of liquid light cascading over his desk onto the floor. It was nearly full. Three more days, he thought sadly, three more days until his next transformation. Poor Remus...it's not fair! Why did he have to be bitten? Ah well, he'll be here soon, and we'll be together, for a little while....

The Potions Master sighed as he thought of his lover, the former Defense teacher at Hogwarts. Sighed longingly as he thought of those gorgeous, emotional, slate-gray eyes that were so soft and loving when they rested on him; sighed dreamily as he thought of the soft, gray-flecked brown hair that smelled so marvelous; sighed as he thought of the wonderful sensation of his lover's lips against his. He wouldn't have to wait long--he'd be here any moment now.

Sure enough, less than five minutes later, there was whoosh, and green flames appeared in the fireplace, a shadowed figure just visible inside them. A second later, Remus Lupin stepped out into the room, shaking ash out of his lovely, gray-streaked chocolate hair.

"Remus, love!" Severus stood up, moving to embrace his significant other.

The werewolf returned the embrace with as much passion as it was given. "Severus. Oh, how I've missed you! Three days is too long!"

"Yes, well, duty calls. But we have all this night before us...let's make the most of it!"

Severus led Remus to the bed, pushing him gently, but firmly, onto it. They *****************************************************************************************. (The rest of this fic has been edited by the BSD (Bad Smut Deleter.)

Review, please!

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The real Snape stared at the computer screen in shock for nearly three minutes. Suddenly, he snarled viciously. He got up so fast, that he knocked the chair over. He didn't bother to pick it up again. He strode over of the fireplace, took a handful of Floo Powder and put it in his pocket, took another handful, threw it violently into the fire, and stepped in, shouting, "Lupin's Lodge!"

Strange fireplaces began whirling before Snape's eyes, but all he saw was red. When he got his hands on Lupin he was going to.... Snape stumbled out of the fireplace into the living room of Lupin's house. It was shabby, but welcoming, like its owner. Though the carpet was worn and the curtains threadbare and moth-eaten, the room was fairly clean and neatly organized. A couple of books lay open on the coffee table, and there was a vase of wildflowers next to the lamp on the table at the end of the sofa. The living room itself was empty, but a clatter of china coming from the kitchen betrayed the whereabouts of the resident werewolf.

"LUPIN," thundered Snape, "WHAT HAVE YOU AND BLACK DONE NOW!"

Remus came out of the kitchen, a cup of tea in his hands, and a look of mild surprise on his face. "Why Severus, what an unexpected pleasure."

"Don't waste time on formalities, werewolf!" growled Snape. Remus stiffened slightly at the mention of his lycanthropy and his eyes took on a more guarded appearance, though he still maintained a look of outward composure. "Now," continued Snape, harshly, "I know you or Black had something to do with this, and I want it clearly understood that I am as straight as a rod, and I don't want rumors of this getting out. My life at Hogwarts would be far worse than it is now if this story ever got out. Your personal feelings toward me may be whatever you want, but I do not return any of your affections!"

Remus stared at Snape in bewilderment. "What are you talking about, Severus? Are you sure you're feeling well? Would you like some tea? There's plenty."

"I'm talking," said Snape, "about this." He slammed the laptop down onto the coffee table. "It is disgusting, and I would thank you to keep your nose out of other people's affairs."

"Severus, I still don't understand. What affairs?"

"NOT YOURS!" roared Snape. "I do not, and never will, feel anything for you romantically, got it?"

With that statement, Snape spun around, threw more of the sparkling powder onto the flames, and Floo'd back to Hogwarts.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Remus stood there, blinking rapidly, for a long moment, then picked up the laptop from where it had been thrown down, and returned to the kitchen. There, he sat down at the table, and opened it, wondering what in the Merlin's name had gotten into the Potions Master. He looked at the screen. One title caught his eye, and he clicked on it.

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The Dog & the Stag

BY: Vanilla-I-Scream

"James?"

"Yeah, Sirius?"

"I--I have something to tell you."

"Well then, spit it out, Padfoot!" James grinned.

"Can we--go outside? Away from people?" asked Sirius awkwardly.

James frowned. "If you wanna, sure." Sirius grabbed James' hand and led him off the dance floor. He headed for the lake. When he and James got there, he sat down.

"James...I--I--"

James looked fondly at the boy opposite him. "Come on, Padfoot, say what you're gonna say--it must be important, since you dragged me all the way out here for it!"

"Iloveyou!" said Sirius, very fast.

"What?"

"I love you," repeated Sirius, slower this time. James stared at him in silence. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tol--" Sirius was cut off by James.

"Padfoot...."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and kiss me!"

(Editor's note: Sirius and James begin making out passionately, and it is described in disgusting detail. Soon, they go beyond that--way beyond. Let it suffice to say that Remus was shocked.)

Remember to review--I love you guys!

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Remus stared at the computer screen in horror. Then he grabbed the laptop and ran at top speed to Sirius' room, where the escaped convict was still sleeping.

"Sirius! I thought you were straight!"

Sirius sat bolt upright in bed staring wide-eyed at Remus, a look of panic on his face. "Who says I'm not?" He demanded loudly.

"This!" Remus shoved the laptop at him. "And let me tell you, if I knew what you really were, there is no way I would have associated with you--I'm not that desperate for company! Did Lily know about your relationship? That's completely disgusting! You'll have to fix your own breakfast!" That having been said, Remus stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him so hard, that the picture on the wall opposite shook.

Sirius, eyesight bleary from sleep, picked up the laptop from where it was lying on the diamond-patterned quilt which covered his bed.

What in Merlin's name has gotten into Moony, wondered Sirius. What does Lily have to do with my being great or not? Hmm.... He said that this was the thing that said I wasn't great.... As long as it doesn't say, 'Sirius sucks,' in big green letters, I'll be fine. Sirius opened the laptop and looked at it. At the top of the screen were the words:

The Loin and the Snak (aka, The Lion and the Snake, ed.)

SLASH: D/H ...........U no me.......im the FrEaKyPlOtBuNnYs sister! My 5th D/H and ive been told its good so.......R&R! Sorry, im sucky at riting summerys and my speling is aweful......stoiry is god tho...............

Weird, thought Sirius. He clicked on the link.

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Draco and Hary were in the Astranimy Tower, having a good old-fasioned songfest........... "i luv u, Hary......." "i luv u 2, draco.........." "Hary?"

"Yah, Luv?"

"I need to tel u somthing.........."

"wel, wat is it?"

"im dying"

"wat??!!! Thats not posable! Wat do u mean, ur dying?"

"A poison. U remeber how I made you drink ou tof my goblet at the youll Bal?"

"Yea........."

Their were pison is it.........."

"No........."

"Yes....."

"u can't dy, draco, I luv yu!"

"I no........

Draco trys to say somthing.........but the pison was 2 strong.....Hary started crying........... Draco died........ Hary cried {hay, it rimes!} Tehn he took out a nife....... "lifes not werth living n e more..........." The bludd was the las thing hary saw as he died 2......

R&R as alwas..........

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After Sirius had deciphered and translated the strange language the thing was written in, he stared at the screen, horrified. My godson is making out with the Malfoy brat?! Dumbledore must be slacking on the job! Sirius leapt out of bed and hurriedly dressed. When he finished, he grabbed the laptop and ran into the living room. Once there, he grabbed a handful of Floo Powder from the open sack on the mantel piece, and threw it in the fire. Swiftly, he followed it, shouting, "Hogwarts Castle!" as he stepped into the dancing green flames.

To be continued....