Hogwarts Meets FanFictionNet!

Hogwarts Meets FanFiction.net: Part III

At Harry's exclamation, Hermione hurried over to him, all concern.

"Oh, Harry, that's bad! Do--"

"Hush!" Harry waved a hand at her, distractedly. He frowned in concentration. "It's--he's happy--very happy; something good has happened."

Dumbledore looked at Harry, and said, "If Mr. Weasley, Mr. Potter, Mr. Creevy, Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, and Professors Flitwick, Snape and McGonagall would come with me to my office I would greatly appreciate it. The rest of you, return to your Common Rooms, and remain there until your Head of House arrives to inform you of what is going on. Prefects...." There was a general scramble as students started to sort themselves by House and find their appropriate Prefects. Those whom Professor Dumbledore had called, made their way to the dais the Head Table rested on. They then gravely followed the professor to his office in silence.

Once there, Dumbledore took out his wand, gave it a wave, and provided seats for everyone.

Slowly, and deliberately, the Headmaster looked at everyone present. "Now. I have heard of this 'FanFiction.net', and--"

Hermione interrupted him. "Oh, is a Dark Thing? Did V-v-voldemort" -several people cringed-- "did he send it?"

"No," answered Dumbledore, looking at her over his half-moon glasses, not in the least perturbed by the interruption. "He did not. Well, he may have had something to do with it, but I assure you, he is not the source of this 'fanfiction'. It is something invented by Muggles, and some of it is very good, and some of it is very bad. Some of it is very dark, and some of it is so outrageous, it's absurd. It's a very nice thing, and quite useful, really. But I digress. Why exactly Harry's scar is causing him pain, I do not know, but it is not because of the fanfiction I'm sure, though some of those stories are a headache to read, thanks to the lack of the thing the Muggles call, 'a beta-reader'. They are, when competent, very nice indeed.

"Professor Snape?"

The Potions professor looked up. "Yes."

"Do you think you could brew a very large batch of Calming Draught? I think that they are several people who could benefit from it." With that, Dumbledore gave Snape a rather significant look.

"Yes, Headmaster, I could do that easily."

"Excellent. Minerva, I would appreciate it if you would go inform the Gryffindors that there is nothing wrong. I think the perhaps you should cast a universal Cheering Charm, and modify Misses Patil and Brown's memories. We don't need to have anything more than usual in the rumor mill. Severus, you should of course check on the Slytherins, give Mr. Malfoy any necessary therapy, and start that Calming Draught. Filius, you can let the Ravenclaws out of their Common Room, and tell Professor Sprout to inform the Hufflepuffs. That will be all."

Those given tasks filed out of the Headmaster's office, but the Trio and Colin stayed behind.

"If you please, sir," said Colin, "what happened to my laptop?"

"I'm not sure. Perhaps one of the House Elves took it by accident. Why don't you go see?"

"But how do we get to the--"

"Don't worry about it, Colin," said Harry. "I'll show you."

The four Gryffindors made their way to the kitchens. Harry let Colin have the honor of tickling the pear, and it giggled delightedly.

No sooner were they through the door, then they were met by Winky. She was in a great state of panic and was babbling incoherently. Ron and Colin stared at her blankly; Harry looked from the House Elf, to Ron, to Hermione and back again. Hermione was looking intensely into the Winky's big brown eyes, a wrinkle of concentration between her eyebrows. She nodded her head at intervals, making little noises of agreement or alarm.

"Mmhm...he what?...Yeah, why? I should? Got it! Oh, Harry, it's him! And Dobby's gone mad she says, looking for it with him!"

Ron blinked. "Hermione, you've gone bloody raving nutters. You're making about as much sense as the Elf!"

"Don't call Winky 'Elf' Ronald Weasley, or I swear I'll--"

"Don't," interrupted Harry, "just don't. Now, Winky, what's wrong with Dobby?"

"Winky doesn't knows, sir. Dobby and Winky had a nice dinner together, sir, and then Dobby says that he thinks he ought to check on Harry Potter's dormitory." ("Really," Hermione stated indignantly, "Today is his day off!" "Shut it, Hermione! This isn't the time to be discussing House Elf Rights and Policies!") "All I knows," Winky continued pitifully, "is he came back with this flat black thing. Then he reads a story to Winky: a terrible story! Nasty Potions Master is doing bad things to Harry Potter, sir, oh yes! Winky tells Dobby to shut the bad black thing and give it to Master Dumbledore, Winky does, sir, but Dobby doesn't listen to Winky. He says, 'Dobby must go to big, bad forest and save Harry Potter from that Slimy Git!' Then he snaps his fingers and Winky doesn't see him anymore!" Here, the poor House Elf dissolved into hysterics again.

"Wait," said Ron, "you and Dobby are dating?"

Hermione thwacked the back of his red head. "Honestly, Ron! If Dobby and Winky want to be Romantically Involved, then--"

"Be quiet, please!" Harry said. "I'm trying to think.... If Dobby is in the Forbidden Forest, I think we ought to tell Hagrid. He'll go help Dobby. Then we can tell Dumbledore, just in case things get sirius."

Ron squinted at Harry. "Harry, I think you just said 'sirius' instead of 'serious'."

"So?" Harry snapped. "It's a sign of HP Obsessionitis."

Ron looked at Hermione. Hermione looked back at Ron. They said slowly, and in unison, "Okay.... Should we call Madam Pomfrey?"

"No! It's nothing a healthy dose of Lord of the Rings won't fix."

"Um...Harry?" Colin looked genuinely concerned. "I don't think that would help."

"Why?"

"Well you are Harry Potter."

"Uh...right. That could slow the treatment down."

{I know; that was completely random, utterly pointless, and highly annoying. I extend my deepest apologies to everybody and-- To 'everybody's' relief, Dobby stuffs two of his hats in the pestiferous author's note, effectively silencing it.}

"HARRY! DOBBY! REMEMBER?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," said Harry, looking rather sheepish. "I haven't a clue what got into me...well," he shook his head as though to clear it, "let's go!"

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Once they reached the steps outside the great double doors that led out of the castle, our Trio froze in utter shock at what they saw. Colin, shorter that the others by a bit and a half, bumped into the back of them as they stopped. When he had wriggled his way to the front, he froze too.

Hanging over the Forbidden Forest like a ghastly omen of death, the trademark snake and skull known as the Dark Mark shed its sickly green light over the entire forest. The foursome stared in horror at the sight, paralyzed for half an instant that seemed to hang, breathless, in the air.

Then Hermione stirred. After coming to, she darted back inside the Entrance Hall and tapped her wand to her throat.

"Sonorus! DEATH EATERS, IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST, DARK MARK AND EVERYTHING!" Hermione's voice, magnified to ten times its normal volume, was shrill and squeaky sounding. She restored her voice to its usual number of decibels, and turned to Harry, squeaking anxiously, "Oh Harry, Ron, what do we do?"

"I'm going to face them," said Harry grimly. There was an instant burst of protest from all sides.

"No, you can't--"

"TOO DANGEROUS--"

"Not a good plan--"

"No." Harry was adamant. "I'm going. And you can't stop me."

"Then we're going with you, Harry." Ron looked equally determined.

"Nooo, Harry, you can't! What if--what if You-Know-Who is there?"

"Then I'll fight him Hermione."

"Harry, that's stupid! You--"

"I know it's stupid. But I'm doing it anyway. And you aren't coming!" Without further ado, Harry took off running for the Forest.

McGonagall's voice echoed through the halls. "All students to the nearest Common Room! Now! It need not be your own, but I demand that all students go to a Common Room, immediately!" Her voice sounded tense.

Without looking at each other, Ron and Hermione ran after Harry.

"But--" Colin sighed, and ran in their wake.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

"Alright, wands out everyone," said Harry in a hoarse whisper. "Keep an eye out for anything strange moving nearby. We're going straight into the forest."

They moved off as quietly as they could. The sunlight could only barely filter its way through the trees, and shifting, dappled shadows lay everywhere. Ahead, the Dark Mark's green light was slightly visible.

Soon, the group heard voices. They slowed their pace, and Harry gave a quiet, "Follow me, and do as I do. Whatever happens, try not to be seen unless I say so. Don't stun without permission." Hermione gave a quick, nervous nod. Ron set his jaw, and Colin let out a tiny meep of fear. Harry moved closer to the noises. When he reached them, he dropped to his stomach and cautiously looked out from around the enormous tree he was using as cover.

There seemed to be a large clearing, slightly hollowed out, and in the center, the Dark Mark was branded into the grass and loam. Above the Dark Mark illuminated the scene in addition to the sunlight. In the middle of the clearing, a large group of figures, dressed in black, were huddled around some person who was reading something aloud. Harry could hear it quite clearly, and he listened, unsure of whether to laugh, or scream.

Love is Poison

By: Kara Snape

Harry was eating breakfast in the Great Hall, when an enormous eagle owl swept over his head. It dropped a small note in his lap and soared away again. Puzzled, Harry glanced down at the letter. The paper was pink, and smelled vaguely of roses. There was no return name. The black-haired boy looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching, then opened the letter curiously.

Dear Harry,

I have watched you from afar, and you are lovely.

I have touched unexpectedly, and I shiver.

I have longed for you at midnight, and I need you.

I have loved you long, admired you longer.

I envy those who can speak to you freely.

I hate those who have slandered you.

I would have you know me.

If you would indeed, look for me by moonlight,

Watch for me by moonlight, and I'll come to thee.

Signed,

Your adoring admirer

Well. What in the world did that mean?

All through lessons that day, Harry was distant and dreamy. Who was this 'adoring admirer'? Was she pretty? What did it mean, 'watch for me by moonlight'? All of it was so romantic, and beautiful. The writer must be a very talented poet, thought Harry in History of Magic.

Finally, the day ended, and Harry could go to his dormitory. He sat on the window seat, gazing out over Hogwarts and its grounds, looking for the mysterious admirer. Suddenly, he noticed a dark shape was flying towards his window. When it was nearer, Harry could see that it was a person on a broom. Eagerly, Harry opened the window. The person was hooded and cloaked.

"Get on," whispered the figure to Harry.

"Alright." Without question, Harry got onto the broom in front of the person.

"Who are you?" asked Harry as they flew out over the Forbidden forest.

"Your admirer," said the person.

"Yes, so I guessed, but what is your name?"

"You may call me...Dae."

"Day?"

"It means shadow."

"Oh," said Harry. Suddenly, it occurred to him that he didn't have his wand, he didn't know this person, and he was on the front of this person's broom.

"Great. Just great."

"What's great?" asked the person.

"Uh...." Harry fumbled for an answer. "It's just great finally meeting you, Dae."

"I'm glad you like the experience."

Suddenly, the person began circling downwards, finally coming to rest on the floor of the Forbidden Forest. Once they had landed, 'Dae' threw off his cloak. Harry gasped. "TOM?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"W-w-what--how...what are you doing here? I thought you were destroyed or really old or something."

"I was sent forward in time. In 1492, I'm still 16. So, I was catapulted forward. I've been watching you youknow. I love you."

Suddenly, Harry noticed just how beautiful Tom looked, standing there in the moonlight. His dark hair lay in soft waves, his eyes shone with the love he felt for Harry. His skin was pale, perfect, porcelain. Tom licked his lips. Harry watched, mesmerized. The palms of his hands felt sweaty. He swallowed, hard.

"I love you too, Tom."

"Prove it to me...." (The BSD is now working overtime)

****** *************** **************** ***** ********* **** *******

"STOP, STOP, STOP!" Lord Voldemort's voice was drenched in cold fury. "HOW DARE YOU! WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?!"

"O-o-on the w-webs-site, m-my lor, my lord. The one you sent to the Muggle-loving Fool."

"READIN NASTY STORIES ABOUT ME WAS NOT ON YOUR TO-DO LIST, WORMATAIL!" The Dark Lord's voice went sickeningly soft. "Perhaps I ought to show you the to-do list again, Wormtail...."

"No, my lord, please have mercy!" Harry searched for the source of the voice. He saw a woman, red-haired and brown-eyed, dressed in a shockingly revealing scarlet dress, push her way through the other Death Eaters. "Please," she continued, "don' t harm my darling! You've never denied me anything in the past!"

Lord Voldemort stared at the woman in disbelief. "Who in Gindelwald's name are you?"

The woman looked confused. "I'm your daughter, Elysabedh."

"I don't have a daughter, said Voldemort, starting to look far less threatening as he became more and more confused, "and if I did, I wouldn't spell her name like that!"

"How do you know what my name looks like?" asked Elysabedh, now completely bewildered. "And I am your daughter. You married my mother, Virginia Weasley, remember?"

"WHAT?! Why would I marry that cheap, worthless, mudblood-loving idiot daughter of dogs...." Voldemort trailed off, sputtering. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I have a daughter with a ridiculously spelled name, and she claims that I married, of all people, a Gryffindor, who is some fifty years my junior, and isn't old enough to have a child who now appears to be twenty something!"

Harry was blinking in shock, but he thought that he could perhaps turn this situation to his advantage.

"Hey, yo, dude! Dark Lord dude, over there!"

Voldemort's head whipped around. "Potter! Get him, Wormtail!" Nothing happen. "Wormtail!" Lord Mouldywart, I mean Lord Voldemort, turned back to his Death Eaters. They were on the opposite side of the clearing. They had evidently captured something.

It was Dobby. "Where is Harry Potter, sir, where? Slimy Git is hurting Harry Potter!"

"Slimy Git?" Lucius Malfoy was disbelieving. "Who, pray, Elf, is Slimy Git?"

"You are!" Ron said. Lucius spun around and was caught full in the face with a blast of Flobberworm slime from Ron's wand. Hermione darted out of the trees and started firing complicated hexes at everyone in reach. Colin started snapping awkward pictures of various Death Eaters; he transfigured all their clothes into completely inappropriate or out of character things. Wormtail was given a sleek cat suit that accented his fat rolls beautifully. Lucius was, of course a slime model, and our beloved Lord Thingy sprouted snakes for hair in a manner reminiscent of Medusa.

The Death Eater meeting dissolved into total chaos. The Hogwarts students contented themselves with running around the group of Death Eaters, firing, hexes, curse and jinxes every which way. The Death Eaters went into complete panic. Everyone was running into everyone else, tripping over the people they themselves had tripped only minutes before. Dobby was, for one reason or another, under the impression that the whole thing was a party.

"Bad Lucius! Dobby will punish you!" All the while he was setting off tremendous explosions. Of course, the Death Eaters thought that this meant that there was a gigantic army in their midst. They began to shriek.

"Kreacher, sing Bella a song! Waaaaaahahahaaa!" Bellatrix started to cry.

"Calm down, be quiet, everything is under control!" bellowed Lord Thingy/Voldemort/Mouldywart/shorts at the top of his lungs. Dobby snapped his fingers and disappeared in a slight puff of violet scented smoke. The next minute, he appeared on Lord Thingy's shoulders. The House Elf patted the top of the so-called Dark Lord's reptilian head patronizingly. "Don't worry, Voldie-dear, Dobby will take care of everything." With that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared again.

Suddenly, from the edge of the clearing, a blinding white light shone out of the trees. Albus Dumbledore, followed by most of the Hogwarts professors as well as Sirius and Remus, stepped into the clearing. He raised an eyebrow in disbelief at what he saw.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Colin Creevy were flying around the Death Eaters in a large circle. They had evidently summoned brooms, and while Hermione did not look at all comfortable, she was managing alright at a slow pace. They were shooting various things from their wands, and Colin was trying to fly no handed, so as to curse and take pictures of the Death Eaters at the same time. In the very middle of this turmoil sat Dobby, along with the laptop that had started the whole thing. He was avidly reading something he had found, and sniffling softly.

"STOP!" shouted Dumbledore above the noise. Everyone froze in whatever position it was in. "Now," continued Dumbledore, "would someone be so kind as to explain what is going on?" His voice took on a mildly exasperated edge. "My school is turned upside down by the contents of a laptop, my students are put into a panic by first a Dark Mark, then a Banshee, my professors lose their minds over a story or two, and now my forest is being occupied by a Dark Wizard! I think I need an aspirin."

No one spoke for a long while; they were so shocked by the idea of Dumbledore needing an aspirin.

"Well, sir," said Lord Thingy penitently, "it was my fault--I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" burst out Harry indignantly. "YOU'RE SORRY?! Sorry for murdering my mum and dad? Sorry for indirectly putting my godfather in Azkaban because people are too thick to see straight? Sorry for torturing Ginny? Sorry for killing Cedric? Sorry for making Cho a sniveling idiot? Sorry--"

"Hey!" Jo Rowling stepped out of the trees at the opposite end of the clearing. "I am the one who made Cho a sniveling idiot, just like I made you a suicidal wreck."

Ron's jaw dropped. "You're a suicidal wreck, Harry, and you never told us? That's not fair!"

"No," said Harry, exasperated, "I'm not a suicidal wreck. Who told you that?" Ron pointed at J.K. "She did."

Rowling rolled her eyes and heaved an exaggerated sigh. "I did not say Harry was a suicidal wreck, just like I never said that Tom was actually a sweetheart, and he didn't mean to kill his father and it's okay if Harry wants to fall in love with him et cetera, even though I don't write homosexual porn. It doesn't matter that I haven't made him a sex god, that he isn't very good at school, is something of a slacker, clueless about girls and everything else. It doesn't matter that Ron obviously likes Hermione, so why would he go out with Parvati, it's obvious that he thinks Luna's a nut, so why would he date her," the woman was starting to get hysterical now, "Draco's a slimeball, so why would he like Ginny or Hermione, and he doesn't even like Pansy! Harry thinks Hermione's boring, Hermione has made it clear that she and Viktor Krum aren't an item, so why would they get married, I ask you? My books have good grammar, because I hire a responsible editor, and I challenge you: who likes incest? That's just sick, gross, twisted, weird, perverted; you name it, it is! Fred and George are not romantically involved, Draco and his parents don't do those things when they're alone, and never will! What do you think I am? A--a--I don't know. Just--never mind!" Rowling snapped her fingers and disappeared.

Silence reigned once more. Then Lord Voldie-dear burst into tears. "I didn't mean to be out of character, I don't want to fall in love with Harry, and I certainly don't want to--" Sirius ran forward and clapped a hand over Lord Voldie-dear's mouth.

"Not in front of the kids!"

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"Um...." Harry shuffled his feet, uncomfortable at the sight of his arch nemesis in tears. "Maybe we should just go back to the castle and forget about it. I mean, we need a villain, or there won't be any story, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Lord Voldie-dear agreed. "Er...perhaps this can be that meeting I've been meaning to have? You know, the one where I finally up and kill poor Sevvie?"

"Certainly, Tommy," said Dumbledore kindly. "We wouldn't want to interrupt you. Come along, Harry, Ron, Hermione. And you too Colin. I'm afraid you won't be able to develop your pictures though. It would sort of ruin little Tommy's reputation."

"Alright," said Colin, albeit reluctantly.

The Hogwarts staff and students, minus Severus who stayed behind to fulfill his role as Death Eater spy, walked back to the castle in silence. At the steps, Dumbledore took out his wand. "Obliviate!" Everyone took on a mildly vacant expression. Then they came to.

"Gryffindors?" McGonagall said. "To your dormitories. And no more late night excursions."

"Yes professor," chorused they, oblivious to the fact that it was only mid-afternoon.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Back in the Forbidden Forest, Lord Voldemort was once more in the role of villain. All traces of the skirmish had been removed, and Voldemort was just about to call Severus forward, when he felt a tugging on his robes. Imperiously, he looked down and saw--Dobby, eyes full of emotional tears.

"Dobby didn't know Tommy cared, sir, or Dobby would have come sooner!"

"What do you mean, Elf? I don't care about anything except taking over the world and killing Harry Potter!"

"But, Dobby thought--"

"What?"

Dobby sobbed harder. "Dobby read here, and Tommy says he loves Dobby, sir, you did. And,"--Dobby was barely coherent now--"Dobby loves Tommy too, sir!"

There was a loud bump, and a moment of silence. Then Bellatrix, eyes still red from crying for Kreacher, said, "I think the Dark Lord has fainted."