The Hogwarts Poets' Society

"So, in other words, Peeves is obsessed with Filch, Draco has a stupid middle name, and Dumbledore didn't seem to be up to anything," Hermione concluded after Snape had recapped the meeting in great length and detail.

"Right," Draco said.

"What is your middle name?" Ron asked, genuinely curious. Draco turned a polite shade of pink.

"It doesn't matter," he said, obviously distressed.

"Oh, come on, tell us. We won't make fun of you!" Hermione wheedled.

"You're getting distracted," Snape interrupted. It was one thing to humiliate Draco in front of a group of mostly teachers. It was another thing entirely to humiliate him in front of a group of Gryffindors. Snape had felt he had already lowered himself to consort with these annoying brats, and it just wouldn't do to make things any friendlier. They were here for one reason and one reason only: to stop the Plan of Imminent Doom.

"DOOM!" he yelled, twitching strangely. Everyone turned to look at him.

"Er, Severus, if it doesn't look as if Dumbledore is up to something, then we really don't have to worry, do we?" Hermione asked sweetly. Draco didn't know whether to vomit or slap the girl for her blatant disrespect of his favorite teacher and godfather. How dare a Mudblood call Snape by his first name! The audacity of it all!

"We have to find out what went on in the closet first," Snape said. "Perhaps he has given up on his Plan of Imminent Doom. Or, and I feel that this is much more likely, he feels that his Plan of Imminent Doom is going perfectly and all he has to do is watch events fold out in front of him exactly as he wants them to!"

"Yes, but it's not as if he has actually done anything except lock Draco and Harry in a closet. They're out now, so why are we here?" Ron asked. It was a stroke of intelligence that nobody thought possible.

"We need to find out what happened in the closet," Snape repeated again. "Draco, fill us

in!"

This was obviously a direct order and fearing detention (or worse, given Snape's obvious quickly deteriorating mental state) Draco felt that he could not refuse.

"Okay, we got locked in there, I kicked the door, we tried to go to sleep, Harry got a hard-on, we sat in a different position, fell asleep, I made Harry tried to dance, we got into an argument, I blocked his jinx, he went unconscious, Dumbledore came in and gave us food, Harry woke up, we ate, Harry remembered he was claustrophobic and went unconscious again, Harry woke up again, and then Dumbledore opened the door for the meeting of the stupid poetry thing," Draco said, barely pausing for a breath.

"Fascinating," Snape said dryly. "But that doesn't give us any idea about what is going to happen next."

They all sat for a moment, thinking. Well, three of them were thinking. Ron was back to playing with his lint and bit of string.

"Dumbledore gave you food," Hermione said abruptly.

"Yes, I said that, didn't I?" Draco said, confused about the relativity of Dumbledore's food. How would food aid him in a-what was it? Plan of Intermittent Spoons?

"Did you eat it?"

"Yes."

"Did Harry eat it?"

"Yes."

"You both actually consumed the food," Hermione said. "That is, you put it in your mouth, chewed it, swallowed it, and then began digesting it."

"Well, yeah, I definitely chewed and swallowed it. I'm assuming I began to digest it. I generally don't think about that part of eating. It's not a voluntary decision, is it?"

"Ungh," Hermione said, noncommittally. She had returned to her book and was flipping the pages with vigor. "Severus?"

Snape cleared his throat.

"Oh, er, I mean, Professor Snape?"

"Yes?"

"Will you come look this over for me? I think I might have found something..."

They both leaned over the book, and began a quiet but heated discussion about something. It was quite inaudible, which is obviously what they were aiming for. It was irritating.

"If you'll do us a favor and fill the rest of us in," Draco said, trying to sound bored rather than curious.

"We need to find out if there was anything in the food Dumbledore gave you. You know, a potion of some sort."

"He could have charmed it," Snape interjected. "And if he charmed it, this wouldn't do anything and might cause damage--"

"Yes, but it's much riskier to have Harry and Draco walking around possibly drugged," Hermione argued.

"It'd be much less dangerous to check for spells first!"

"We might not have that kind of time! It could take ages before I find the right charm. If they're jinxed--"

"You have what we need to check if it was a potion right on hand, so we ought to do that first and eliminate that possibility right now!"

"It's much safer to check for charms first!"

"You already argued that point!" Hermione said. "I'm just saying, we're not dealing with a hypothetical situation here. Now is not the time for theories. In theory we could find a spell that would reveal if the food had been charmed. On the other hand, we know that this would eliminate at least one possibility before wasting valuable time and effort on something we aren't sure about!"

"Did it ever occur to either of you that perhaps the food was just food?" Draco suggested. "I mean, then you'd be doing these things for no reason whatsoever!"

"Oh, shut up!" they both yelled in unison. This had become a personal battle that really had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

"Dumbledore wouldn't just give you food that didn't have something done to it. There's a Plan of Imminent Doom afoot!"

Ah, Plan of Imminent Doom, that was the phrase. Where had he gotten spoons from? Draco wondered.

"DOOM!" Snape yelled, twitching strangely.

"I wish you'd stop doing that!" Hermione snapped.

"I wish you would listen to your elders!" Snape retorted.

"I wish you would wash your hair!"

"I wish you would stop being such a know-it-all in my classroom!"

"I wish you two would shut up," Draco muttered. They both turned on him. He put up his hands in surrender. "I was just saying..."

"Look, it's almost curfew," Ron said, pointing at his watch. "I'm don't want to get into trouble."

Snape and Hermione continued to glower at each other.

"Let's just head back up to the dormitory and we'll figure this out in the morning. Tomorrow's still the weekend," Ron suggested.

"Yes, that's a lovely idea, assuming Harry isn't poisoned or something," Hermione said haughtily.

"You heard your boyfriend, Granger, go up to bed like a good little know-it-all," Snape said, his eyes glinting triumphantly. "Or I might have to give you detention."

Hermione, realizing that she was defeated, stormed her way up to the Gryffindor common room, slamming into things and causing a general ruckus the whole way there.