Amid My Solitude

Whoever makes a thing more bright,
He is an angel of all light.
-- Anna Hempstead Branch

"That's it. No rush. The stretch is the important part."

The encouraging voice. The many platitudes. The kind assistance. The gentle urges.

Remus was this close to strangling Danae Pedimentia.

"I'm not a child," he said, realising as he said it how petulant he sounded.

"Of course not, dear," she replied. "Now, if you get to the bed from here we'll have a lovely dinner brought in."

"I'm not hungry."

"Nonsense, a fine young man like yourself needs some flesh on his bones."

"Healer Pedimentia -- "

"Please! Call me Danae."

Remus gritted his teeth and walked another few steps, stopping for breath at the end of it. That Harpy put her hands on her hips, and smiled.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? You're almost to the bed. Did you do your walking this morning?"

"Of course I did."

"Good. If all goes well, tomorrow you'll be walking normally again. Won't that be fun?"

"A riot," he murmured. "The world will be my oyster."

"Now there's the spirit!" she tapped him on his right forearm. "And look how well this is healing," she added, plucking at his left wrist. The wound was nearly closed, though still deep, and painful. The new skin was pale, discoloured. "All your visitors will be so pleased."

"My what?" he asked, glancing at her.

"Oh, you know," she waved a hand. "I told them they'd have to wait until after you'd had dinner. Mr. Weasley upset you this morning, I could tell."

"People have been waiting -- and you said -- "

"I said you'd never heal if you were sitting about talking all day!" she said brightly. "Mr. Weasley's come to see you, and his children. And that lovely Mr. Shacklebolt, and of course dear Harry Potter."

He stared at her.

"Get out," he said.

"Now, Mr. Lupin -- "

"Leave this room before I beat you to death with this cane!" he cried. She flinched away from him.

"I'm only trying to help, I'm sure," she said fussily.

"OUT!"

She squeaked and hurried out when he lifted the cane, and he panted for breath. After a moment, Harry peered in the room.

"Did you threaten to kill a Healer?" he asked, by way of greeting.

"I promised," Remus grunted, leaning on the cane. "If she comes back, tell her I'm willing to go to prison just for the pleasure of seeing her suffocate."

"I don't think she's coming back," Harry said. "You want some help?"

"No, I think I'll just...stand for a while. How...how are you? How is...everything?"

Harry shrugged. "Okay I guess. There was some big super-secret meeting I wasn't allowed to be at, as usual."

"I doubt it was as exciting as it sounds," Remus murmured. There was an uncomfortable silence.

"You look better," Harry offered.

"Be hard to look worse than I did."

"Ron and Ginny and Hermione came too, but Hermione had to go home, and the others went to get something to eat with Mr. Weasley."

"Oh."

"And Tonks too. I mean she just came for a moment..."

"Did she?"

"Yeah. The Healer came down and said we could go talk to you just as Tonks got there, and she decided to go get Kingsley. So I came in."

"That was nice of you."

Harry kicked the floor with his sneaker.

"We should get you some new shoes," Remus observed.

"Guess so. I'll do it when I'm in Diagon Alley. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"Sort of my job, now, I think."

"Yeah."

"Sirius wanted to, you know."

Harry looked up at him. Remus regarded the boy warily.

"He used to talk about it. He wanted to take you to Diagon Alley for your books, and buy you new robes and all. And he wanted to put his fist through your uncle's head, too," Remus added, pulling a smile from somewhere.

"So do I," Harry said.

"Well, once you're out of school I guess you can leave them behind forever."

"I'm counting the days."

"I hear you want to be an Auror."

"If I get in." Harry bit his lip. "You're okay, aren't you?"

"I will be."

"Good."

"I'll find out what the meeting was about," Remus offered. "I think you ought to be in on it. On what we do."

"Thanks."

Another uncomfortable silence.

"Did Sirius love me?" Harry blurted, suddenly. Remus blinked.

"What...?"

"Did he love me? Like you do?" Harry asked, his words pouring out in a rush. "I mean I know it's stupid to think, he was supposed to love me and that, and it's not like he had to but -- "

"Harry..." Remus swallowed. "You're James' son. Of course he...what do you mean, like I do?"

Harry kicked the floor again. "I saw stuff. When I was helping Professor Snape. And I never got to see in Sirius' thoughts like I did in yours and I just thought..."

Remus watched the boy. "Harry, you are the son of my dearest friend in the world, and Sirius was even closer to James than I was. However much I...care about you...Sirius..." he trailed off. "Yes. Yes he did. He asked about you, you know. All the time. He asked me so many questions about you, how you did in school, what were you like, did you fancy any girls, what your favourite colour was, idiotic questions. Every bloody day, questions about you."

Harry nodded. "So I guess he liked me all right, then."

"Yeah."

"You miss him?"

"Every single day."

Harry looked thoughtful. Remus waited patiently.

"I'm going to go find Tonks," he said finally. "I'm glad you're all right."

"Thanks. Tell her I'd like to see her."

Harry nodded, and backed out the door. Remus watched him go, tapping the cane-tip idly.

I want to give him the world, Sirius had said once, in an unguarded moment. I want to give him everything he should have had for fifteen years and I can't even leave this house.

And I can, Remus had replied, and haven't anything to give.

Sirius had laughed then, and changed the subject quickly.

Sirius would have laughed at him too, for taking up with Nymphadora Tonks. But Sirius liked Tonks, and would have approved. He might have threatened a bit, she was his cousin after all; might even have warned him off of her. But that day, when Remus gave Harry the motorbike...Sirius would have looked at them sitting on the porch steps and he would have approved. Remus was sure of that.

And James...

He shook his head to clear it, and when he looked up Tonks was standing in the doorway.

"I couldn't find Kingsley," she muttered. "And Harry said you wanted to -- "

"Dora," he said quietly.

"Don't call me that," she replied, closing the door. She drifted forward, not meeting his eyes, and he wondered how many uncomfortable conversations he was going to have that day.

"I'm sorry."

"Well," she said, "in the grand scheme of your screwups to date, it's a pretty small infraction."

He nodded. She tried to meet his eyes, and he glanced down, quickly.

"Have you talked with Arthur today?" he asked.

"No. Not with anyone. I um..." she made a gesture. "I've been tired. And not...much...liking people right now."

"Me either." He paused. "Arthur told me...what Snape said. About you. I'd like you to know, the idea of strangling him barehanded is more appealing by the day."

"Please don't make jokes."

He nodded again. This was Tonks' territory, this unstable boundary between what they had been and what they were. These were her rules, because he was fumbling his way through this, and he was the one who had ruined it in the first place.

"I want to know when you started thinking that," she said quietly. "Because I want to know if you thought I was a spy and slept with me anyway."

"I never acted on the thought," he said, raising his voice slightly.

Her own voice was like a whipcrack. "So you did. Sleep with me. After you thought I was a Death Eater."

"I never just assumed -- "

"So you used me!" she shouted.

"I can't fight with you about this right now," he said, softly.

"You say that every time we fight!"

"Well, this time it's because I can hardly breathe," he snarled. "In case you hadn't noticed, I nearly bled to death."

"Doesn't seem to have affected your temper at all -- "

"Stop it!" said a new voice. Tonks turned. Remus, bowing his head, didn't have to.

"This is between Tonks and myself, Harry," he said, chest heaving. "Please."

"You're both being idiots," Harry said, standing in the doorway.

Tonks sighed. "It's none of your concer -- "

Harry scowled. "It's every bit my concern!" he cried. "You're my godfather, Remus!"

"Guardian, Harry, guardian," Remus murmured, leaning heavily on the cane. "You're grown past the need for a -- "

"Shut up!" Harry's hands clenched into fists. "And you're not letting him explain!" he added, glaring murderously at Tonks.

"I hardly see how anyone can explain away thinking I'm a spy while sleeping with me," she said. "Harry, this is not something you should -- "

"You're being stupid!" Harry looked so much like James for a moment that Remus paled. "I want to talk to you, Tonks."

"I'm already shouting at one person, thanks -- " she broke off when he grabbed her sleeve and pulled. Remus watched as Harry dragged her, protesting, from the room, then let out a breath, slowly. His right hand went to his left forearm, where the skin itched. He rubbed it, wincing at the pain, and then turned back to the thick metal cane that he was supposed to be using to help him stretch his muscles.

***

Outside, Harry pulled her along until they were in a deserted part of the hospital. She went, more because he seemed genuinely upset than because she wanted to go; when he finally stopped, she was so surprised she almost ran into him.

"I'm going to show you something," he said. "Hold still."

"Harry, what are you -- Harry, you're not a Legilimens -- "

"I know how," Harry said, with the supreme confidence of the young. He ignored her protests, pressing his hands to her face, effectively pinning her to the wall, thumbs over the bridge of her nose as he'd seen Snape do. And the world went white...

It was like being in a pensieve. Everything seemed...washed out, not quite real. She looked around, but there wasn't anything to see; just white. A touch on her arm told her Harry was still with her.

"I can't do it right," he said, voice echoing strangely, "But I think I can..."

There was the sound of rushing air, and there was Remus, bent over a desk, writing. Harry pushed her, and she walked forward, looking over his shoulder. She couldn't see anything on the paper, but she could hear him, talking under his breath.

"It's too much, too soon, I'm not ready, I'm playing about fetching Harry while real things are happening in the real world, and I don't want to read them in reports, I want to fix them -- like last time when all I could do was talk. I know what it's like to be a spy, I know what it's like not to be trusted, I can't think of it that way. Snape's watching me. Arthur's watching me. Dumbledore's not watching me in a very careful manner. Not because I'm a spy, because I'm supposed to be a leader but nobody's told me how I'm going to do that..."

He trailed off, suddenly, and looked up at her. A smile spread across his face.

"What're you doing here, Dora?" he asked. He pushed back the chair and stood, wrapping an arm around her waist so fast she didn't have time to pull away. "I'm glad you came," he said, face a few inches from hers, hips pressed against her.

"Is this your memory?" she asked, wide-eyed. He shook his head.

"It's me through Harry," he said. "Surely even Harry couldn't put you right into my head. It's what he took away with him, afterward."

"Oh," she said, a little disappointed. He lifted her chin, spread his fingers across her cheek.

"So pretty," he said quietly. "So smart. No reason in the world to choose me. And we fit together." He kissed her, lips warm and real on hers. "Fit together so well..."

Suddenly, in the middle of the kiss, he tensed, and stopped.

"Too well," he said. "Nothing's supposed to be this good. Can't be this good. Not for me. My luck doesn't run that way. You can't know me that well, nobody knows me that well, you must be -- you must be looking for...weaknesses...?"

She watched, confused, as he backed away from her. "If I'm in love with you, it must be a trick," he said. "I'm not allowed."

"Remus, that's just stupidity, why would I..." she trailed off, realising.

Snape had only told her that Remus thought she was a spy. He hadn't told her why.

Harry was telling her why.

"I -- I can't talk about this," Remus said, walking backwards, quickly now. "I can't. I have to go. I have places to go -- " he turned and ran, vanishing as he'd come, but before he faded entirely there was a scream of pain, half-cut-off --

She started forward and felt a hand on her shoulder. Harry again, holding her back.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Didn't you see?"

He smiled. "No, I was...having a talk with someone. Did it work?"

She turned and leaned into him, into the soft striped Gryffindor shirt he was wearing, and he wrapped his arms around her and then --

Then they were back in the sterile hospital hallway, she pressed to the wall, Harry standing in front of her, hands still on her face. His green eyes watched hers cautiously.

"I didn't do it right," he muttered, hands falling away. "I mean I heard the music but it wasn't quite -- "

"You did fine," she managed, swallowing. "How did you...?"

"I saw Snape doing it and something just...clicked," he said. "The music."

"What music?"

He shook his head. "Just...a thought I had. It's nothing. Um."

Harry stepped back and rubbed his neck, thoughtfully. "Tonks, I won't tell."

"Tell...?"

"About..." he gestured, a bit distractedly, to her abdomen. She blushed.

"You could see?" she asked. He nodded. "How...much could you see...?"

"Just a little. One note," he added, almost affectionately. "Is he...I mean...is it Remus?"

She nodded.

"Oh. That's good, I guess. He's normal you know. Not normal, I mean...he's not a werewolf."

Tonks blinked. "Remus isn't?"

"Oh! No -- him. Um." Harry made the gesture again. "Junior."

Tonks, who had suffered a lot in the past few days, began to giggle uncontrollably. "Junior," she gasped, sliding down the wall, tears of laughter on her cheeks. "Harry, it's about two weeks old. You don't even know -- "

"Yes I do," Harry said confidently. He was grinning. "No puppies for Tonks."

"Puppies..." she started laughing all over again. She pushed herself up and grabbed him, pulling him into a real hug. "Thank you, Harry. That was just exactly the slap in the face I needed."

He squirmed to get free, and grinned uncertainly at her, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

"I think I've got just a little more yelling to do," she said. "But I promise it'll end well this time."

He nodded, and stood in the hallway as she walked away, towards Remus' room.

***

It was so hard to take even a few steps. It wasn't the pain, he was used to pain, it was the feeling of not being able to use his body fully. The annoyance of being at the mercy of others if he needed food, or anything further away than the bathroom.

One, two steps -- just like in the river --

He cried out in frustration and threw the cane at the bed. It clattered to the floor, and he stood, swaying unsteadily.

Well, now you're really screwed, Lupin.

He took a hesitant, shuffling step towards the bed. One, two. Harry and Tonks waiting for him on the other side, remember that?

Except Tonks was furious with him, and rightly so...and Harry was just plain furious.

One, two...

The door opened, and he looked up; lost his balance, overcompensated, and fell. The crack of his body against the floor matched perfectly with the sudden stabbing pain in his legs.

"Oh -- bollocks."

He curled up, foetally, waiting for the pain to pass, as he knew it would; wanting to say so, wanting to say he was fine, it was just pain, but he couldn't talk, couldn't breathe...

Someone was lifting his shoulders, pulling him up. He whined, but managed to stagger against them, and got to the bed, where he finally stood and pushed the other body away. He'd do this himself or not at all.

"I didn't mean to startle you."

That was Tonks' voice, and he looked up; it was Tonks, tear-tracks on her cheeks, eyes wide and confused, who had helped him up. He tried to breathe against the pain.

"I'm okay," he gasped. "Just give me a minute..."

"...it's all right..."

"...and we can yell again..."

"Well, as long as I've got you," she said, putting a hand on his chest, "shut up and listen to me for a minute."

He blinked at her. "Okay," he panted.

"Harry just performed the sweetest Legilimency I've ever seen done by anyone, let alone a teenaged boy," she said, her voice low. He watched warily. "You see he just took his memories of what he saw when he and Snape were working on you, and he shoved them into my head."

"Did it hurt?" he asked, confused now.

"Very much," she replied. "He showed me just why you thought I was a spy."

"Good trick," Remus said bitterly.

"You thought you weren't worth me?" she asked, brushing hair out of his eyes. He jerked his head away. "You thought nobody could possibly fit you so well, so I must have been faking. I must have had some other motive."

"I tried to stop thinking it."

"Yes, so you ran away. So you wouldn't have to think either way," she finished. He could feel her hip, pressing against his thigh, as he leaned on the bed. "That was really, really stupid, you know."

"Well, I wasn't thinking," he muttered, in a weak attempt at humour.

"Everyone gets allowed a mistake now and then," she said. She slid, a little, so that their bodies were even; this close, he couldn't actually turn so that his face was away from her. "But I expect you to be perfect from now on."

He turned slightly, and caught her eye. "What?"

"You had your big screwup. With me, I mean. The whole spy thing. And the running-away thing. And the almost-dying. I mean normally I'd give you three big screwups, but you sort of blew them all at once." She kissed the side of his mouth. "So from now on, you are not allowed to indulge in stupid self-delusion."

"I don't -- "

"Remus, stop being intentionally thick."

He narrowed his eyes. "Unfair, Tonks."

She nuzzled the spot where his jaw met his neck, felt his pulse jump. "Possibly. But since I love you, and I don't want you running away every time I say it, I figure if I piss you off now, it'll save time in the long run."

He gave a little moan, and leaned his head back, letting her touch -- one hand on his chest, the other on his shoulder, face buried in his neck. She was like a drug; not something he could resist at close quarters, not something he wanted to resist. His left arm awkwardly lifted to stroke her hair, and before he realised it he was holding her tight against him, right hand stroking the small of her back.

He kissed her, shocked at the way her mouth opened to accept him, the way she returned the affection. She ought to hate him. At least if she hated him, he had a chance of resisting. He bit her bottom lip, gently.

"Remus," she said quietly.

"Mmm?" he asked, pressing his face to her cheek.

"We can't shag here in your hospital room. It's indecent."

He let out a low laugh -- amused, but frustrated. "Especially since I'm about to fall down anyhow," he answered, and she leaned back, steadying him, helping him up onto the bed.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"Just remember," she said, tipping his chin up. "You've had your mistake. Better be on good behaviour now."

"I still want Snape dead."

"Well, I'll allow that. We could hire a hit wizard."

"I can't afford a hit wizard."

She smiled, and he closed his eyes, feeling her fingers on his chin, her thumb brush his lips.

"I want you to tell me," she said softly. He waited, unsure of what she meant. "Remus, you know it's true. Please," she added, and he heard a rare note of vulnerability in her voice.

His lips moved without the slightest involvement from his brain. "I love you, Dora," he said.

She kissed his forehead. "Good boy," she replied, against his skin.

***