Amid My Solitude

There was a boy that all agreed
Had shut within him the rare seed
Of learning. We could understand,
But none of us could lift a hand.
-- Edwin Arlington Robinson

By the time Remus came back from showing Harry his room -- with Ron and Hermione firmly encamped there as well, for the moment-- someone had thought to get take-away, and Molly was dishing out plates of chicken curry and rice to those who wanted to stay for dinner. Remus found the wine someone else had brought and poured himself a drink; he took a plate automatically and ate reflexively, like he normally did.

The talk in the kitchen went on around them, most of it focused on the addition to the verdict on Sirius' innocence. After all, there was only so much to discuss about an innocent verdict -- only so much that could be said, with the unspoken knowledge, hanging over everyone's heads, that if Sirius had been freed sixteen years ago, things would have been a lot different. That was something that hurt too much to say.

Normally Severus didn't stay for these things, but apparently he'd been lured into it this time around; he was furiously but quietly arguing some political point with Kingsley Shacklebolt. Mundungus was staying, of course, and Tonks was helping herself to a chunk of pan-bread and some curry, forcing Ginny Weasley to scoot over and make room between her and Molly.

"Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown," Tonks said, as she sat down next to Molly.

"Sorry?" Molly asked, confused. Tonks indicated Remus, who was chewing absently, watching Snape and Shacklebolt argue.

"It's an old Muggle quote. I did a paper on their playwrights for my Muggle Studies class," Tonks continued. "Course, that particular king was a bloodthirsty tyrant, but I think the saying stands. Does he always eat like that?"

"Since I've known him."

"Someday he's going to do himself a mischief," Tonks observed.

"Ever seen him hit a chicken bone? Werewolf jaws," Molly answered. Tonks thought she heard a quiet "cool!" from Ginny. "I've seen him crunch one up without even realising it."

"Weird."

"No weirder than being able to change the shape of your nose on command," Molly replied, with a smile. "I like red hair on you."

Tonks looked mildly embarrassed. "I thought it might be nice for a while. Blends in, too, with your lads around -- "

There was a sudden silence in the room, and Tonks looked up. From the way Shacklebolt and Snape were staring, Remus must have broken into their political debate.

"That's a bit of a...radical view to hold," Kingsley said slowly. Remus stabbed at the curry on his plate.

"That's why I don't hold it," he replied. "But it shuts people up when they talk about sterilization, doesn't it?" he added, with a glance at Snape, who was glowering. "I mean if you're going to go to the trouble of making sure werewolves can't reproduce -- if you're going to cut down on the population no matter what, you might as well go all the way and kill children who are born werewolves or bitten by them."

"There's a difference between -- " Snape began, but Remus' voice snapped out like a whiplash.

"No. There's not."

"You can't mean to say -- "

"I have as much right as any human to have children. There's only one in four odds a child I fathered would be a werewolf, which you'd know if you didn't think Muggle genetics was beneath you. And if my children are werewolves, who better than me to raise them?"

"You're talking about killing children!" Snape said.

"Severus!" Molly remonstrated, indicating Ginny with a tilt of her head.

"And you're talking about killing hope," Remus continued. "Eat your food, Snape. You're not going to win this, not against me."

There was a somewhat profane growl from Snape, but he returned to his meal, and slowly the level of conversation went back up.

"Two years ago he never would have said that," Molly said softly. "Good for him."

"Two years ago, he had to keep it a secret." Tonks swallowed a mouthful of rice. "He likes children, doesn't he?"

"He's very good with them," Molly nodded. "He came to stay with us for a while right after...after Harry's parents were killed. Helped us get the twins through their terrible twos."

"Why didn't he ever have any of his own?" Tonks asked, as Ginny got up to get second helpings.

Molly's brows drew together. "Probably thought he oughtn't to have them if he couldn't provide for them. Poor man can barely feed himself, half the time. And you do rather have to have another person, as well," she added with a wink. Tonks smiled.

"There must have been girls, though," she said.

"Curious?"

"I suppose. It's not been a very good life for him, has it?"

"He does all right. There was a woman, once -- I thought he'd certainly marry her. This was...oh, eight, nine years ago. From what I understand, he told her he was a werewolf, and that was the end of that."

"How awful," Tonks murmured.

Just then there was a clatter on the stairs, and Ron, Harry, and Hermione attacked the curry that was left in the kitchen with all the vigour of starving sixteen-year-olds.

"You know, Harry," Molly said, across the room, and Harry's head snapped up, "Fred and George have been saying that you'll actually be at Headquarters for your birthday this year."

There was a murmur around the table as the rest of the Order realised this.

"They were saying we ought to have a party," Molly continued. "Your first birthday in the Wizarding world."

"That'd be brilliant!" Ron said, glancing at Harry, whose eyes were glowing. "Wouldn't it, Harry?"

"That'd be better than brilliant," Harry answered. "A real party? With a cake?"

Tonks noticed that Remus was looking oddly at the boy, a mixture of sadness and pleasure on his face.

"I don't see why not. If we're defending the world against evil we ought to be able to come up with a birthday party on short notice," Molly replied.

Harry's grin stretched from ear to ear.

***

After dinner, most of the Order went on about their business -- Molly and Arthur took Ginny back to The Burrow, leaving Ron at headquarters; Hermione, who had somehow wrangled a floo hookup to her parents' house, went home as well. The rest of the Order slowly gave their excuses. Snape, still sullen after his comeuppance, vanished down the hallway, to the dim room that he sometimes slept in when he couldn't be bothered to go back to his quarters at Hogwarts.

Tonks, who had agreed to clear up after the dinner, finally found Kingsley and Remus deep in conversation in a corner of the living room, while Harry and Ron played wizard chess nearby. The distant explosions from the back of the house told her that Fred and George were hard at work on some new prank.

"Are you living here too?" Harry asked, looking up from his chess set. She grinned.

"Once in a while I stay over," she said, noticing the faint flush creeping across Remus' face. "I'm at work most of the time, though, and I've a flat near the Ministry. Might stay tonight."

"You're welcome to," Remus said softly. "You know Fred and George like to cook for everyone. There might be omelettes in the morning."

"I don't know that I'd trust an omelette made by them," Ron said thoughtfully. "Your move, Harry."

But Harry was looking at Remus, who returned his gaze evenly. Finally, he shook himself, and turned back to the board.

"Come conspire with us, Tonks," Kingsley said, gesturing her over, and she stepped around Harry and Ron to pull up a wing-chair near the edge of the couch, where Kingsley sat, and the battered leather-covered easy chair Remus was slouched in.

"What are we conspiring over?" she asked, resting her elbows on her knees and her face on her hands. "New mission?"

"Not yet, but possibly soon," Remus replied. "We've ascertained that the Dark Lord's got his own headquarters -- he's not on the move, like we thought. It's heavily warded, and I doubt we'll find it, but I want to send some people out investigating."

"Snape get that news?" Tonks asked. Kingsley nodded. "Useful old bastard, isn't he?"

"One hopes," Kingsley replied, "that he is only being useful for us."

Remus lifted an eyebrow. "Dumbledore wouldn't like hearing that," he said quietly.

"That's why I'm saying it to you," Kingsley replied.

"You don't think he's spying for You-Know-Who?" Tonks asked. "I mean he's not the most delightful person in the world, but -- "

"It's our job to think of these things, Tonks," Kingsley answered. "He hasn't exactly gone out of his way to earn anyone's trust. Hear what he said tonight."

"I think that's rather the point," Remus put in. "Would he have said that if he was trying to convince us he wasn't a spy? Listen, I know Severus Snape. He's never been shy about what he believes. If he'd gone back to the Death Eaters, we'd know. He wouldn't be here with us."

"Why isn't he?" Kingsley asked. "With them, I mean. He doesn't like Muggles much."

"But he knows it's wrong to torture and murder them."

"He also knows it's wrong to mark students down because he happens to dislike them, and that doesn't stop him."

"This is different," Remus insisted. "We'd know."

"He's clever," was all Kingsley would say. "I'm going to watch him. And I think you ought to, as well," he added.

"I don't like it," Remus said. "We're supposed to trust each other. If Sirius had trusted -- "

He stopped, suddenly, and his eyes drifted to Harry, who'd just taken one of Ron's bishops. Tonks and Kingsley followed his gaze.

If Sirius had trusted me, James and Lily might not have died.

"I...watch him if you must," Remus said finally. "By all means, I won't tell you not to. But I don't want this going beyond the three of us. And I'm not going to stop depending on him for Order business. All right?"

"Fair enough," Kingsley said. "But next time you send him out...send me along."

"If I can," Remus agreed. "I won't promise you."

Kingsley nodded. "I should be off," he announced, and stepped towards the fireplace, tossing some floo powder in with his usual sharp precision. After he vanished into the flames, Tonks turned to Remus, who was already standing.

"I've the paper to finish," he said thoughtfully. "And perhaps I ought to work on something about this new ruling on werewolves. Do you two need anything?" he asked, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"No, I'm fine," Harry said, a strange tone in his voice.

"Got all I need," Ron added.

"Good," Remus replied. "You know where my room is, if you do."

Tonks watched from her armchair as he left.

The boys watched her.

"What?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Nothing," Ron said with a grin. "Harry, if you take my knight I'll have you in four moves."

"Don't tell him that!" one of the pieces shouted.

***

Tonks had never known a man with such an irritatingly good work ethic. After seeing Ron and Harry safely in their room -- Ron had pulled a trundle bed into Harry's room to sleep on, or more likely to lie on while he and Harry talked all night -- Tonks climbed the stairs to find Remus asleep, slumped over his desk, head resting painfully on the edge of a thick, unopened book.

She adjusted it slightly, ruffling his soft hair as she did so, and he grunted, opening his eyes.

"Meant to get a start on...some law journals..." he yawned. "Library's full of 'em."

"Come on," she answered, giving him a tug under his arms. He stood, obediently, and one of his hands touched the book he'd been sleeping on.

"D'you ever feel," he asked, eyes moving sleepily over the desk, "that time's always going to have the upper hand?"

"That's really more of a fact than a feeling, I'm afraid," Tonks said, as he stepped carefully around his chair and pushed it in. She noticed that he aligned the back of it with the desk, neatly. "You ought to sleep."

He grinned at her, and leaned in -- the first time he'd kissed her, instead of the other way around. Unfortunately, it was interrupted by a yawn.

"You'd better sleep," she repeated.

"Sometimes I feel as if I could beat it," he said, one hand tangling in her coppery hair.

"Beat what?"

"Time. I feel like if I just knew the right way to go about life, I'd always be a step ahead, instead of two behind," he murmured. "I'm being foolish," he added. "You're right, I should go to bed."

She kissed his cheek. "I'll see you in the morning."

He nodded, and she watched as he stumbled, half-awake, into the other room. She'd hoped...

Well. After they day they'd had, she could use the sleep too.

***

Harry's room was closest to the twins', and they got there first, when he started screaming.

Ron was trying to hold him down, and Fred and George, well-muscled from years of Beating, managed to get his arms and legs flat, though it meant George had to straddle his knees. When Remus reached them, barefoot and half-naked, he pulled Ron aside and put his hands on either side of Harry's face.

"Wake up, Harry!" he shouted.

"It won't do any good!" Fred cried, over the screams.

"Ron, get some cold water," Remus ordered, and Ron, pale under his freckles, hastened to obey. He nearly ran into Tonks, in her dressing-gown, who was trailed by an irritated-looking Severus Snape, hair tangled, in a green flannel nightshirt.

"Can a man not be allowed at least a little -- " He stopped, when he saw Harry on the bed. "Merlin," he breathed, coming forward. "Out of my way, Lupin."

Remus had enough sense not to argue the point. Snape ran a hurried hand through his hair, brushing it out of his eyes, before reaching down to press his thumbs to Harry's forehead. George relaxed as Harry stopped thrashing, and the screams ceased abruptly.

"Wake up, Potter," Snape ordered. "Come on, boy, don't be difficult."

Harry's eyes snapped open, and he screamed again, once, when he saw Snape bending over him.

"That's right," Snape said, in a self-satisfied tone. He leaned back, and removed his hands from Harry's face.

Ron arrived, sloshing cold water, and Remus took it, offering Harry a drink as the boy sat up. Snape's nose wrinkled when Harry sipped straight from the pitcher. George, warily, crawled off of his knees and slid to the ground.

"What happened?" Fred asked, rubbing the back of his head. Ron sat on the edge of the bed, hands twisting together in his lap.

Harry looked suddenly embarrassed to be the centre of attention. "Bad dream," he said softly.

"The Dark Lord got in," Snape said bluntly. Harry nodded. "How often?"

"This is the first time -- no, really..." Harry said, when Remus looked unbelieving. "Not all summer, I swear."

"We believe you, Harry," Tonks said comfortingly.

"Speak for yourself," Snape replied. "If I'm no longer needed here -- "

Remus caught him by the collar of his nightshirt as he turned to go.

"In the morning, you will resume lessons with Harry," he said, aware that he had not thanked Snape for the work he'd just done, and not caring. "This is not a request. This is an order."

Snape pulled himself out of Remus' grip, and glared at him. "Since when am I required to -- "

"Since now!" Remus shouted. "Or do you want to be responsible for the next time he wakes up screaming? We all know you hate the boy, but by god you will not stand by while a child has his brain pried into by a dark wizard. Because I will not let you, you selfish, arrogant son of a bitch."

Everyone, Remus realised, was staring at him now. Well, he thought, at least Harry's off the hook.

"Nine a.m.," Snape said, pointing to Harry. "You will present yourself in the library, prepared to work. You will not drag your friends along with you," he added, over his shoulder, as he turned to go.

Remus let out an exhalation of breath as he left the room.

"I am so glad," Fred said slowly, "that I was here when someone finally let Snape have it."

"You're going to pay for what I just did, Harry, I'm sorry," Remus said, without looking at him.

"It's all right," Harry whispered.

"That was brilliant, Remus," Tonks said. He almost protested when she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him, but it was too late at night and too much had gone on for him to care. When she let him go, Fred and George were grinning as they passed a handful of sickles to Ron.

"What's that all about?" Remus asked. Ron turned pink.

"He bet us you two were shagging," Fred said.

"Fred!" Tonks looked shocked.

"Well, it's boring around here when nobody's about, we have to make our own -- "

"That'll be enough, I think, for one night," Remus said firmly.

"But you are shag -- "

"Enough, George," he repeated. "Can't you find someone else's personal life to pry into?"

"Worl, yeah, but yours is more interesting."

Tonks covered a grin with one hand. "Good for you, Ron."

Remus glanced at Harry, who was almost forgotten, sitting up in the bed, knees drawn up to his chest. He'd pulled his glasses on, and was staring at his hands, intently.

"You're not going to sleep again, are you?" he asked. Harry shook his head. The clock on the wall read just past four; they'd at least had most of a good night's sleep. "Come on then, let's go downstairs. We can have an early breakfast."

***

Ron, glad to be doing something instead of just standing by, helped make batter while Harry sat at the kitchen table and watched, and the twins ran the griddle. Remus left them to it, fixing tea. Tonks sat with Harry, moving over slightly so that Remus could join her when he brought over the teapot and mugs on a tray.

It was reassuring, feeling her shoulder against his arm, her leg against his. It meant there was at least one other grown-up in the house. The twins were not exactly models of maturity and Severus Snape was still stuck somewhere back in seventh year, but Tonks was capable and thoughtful, and if he stepped wrong she'd probably notice.

"He wanted to scare us," Harry said, eyes following Ron and the twins. "He knows I'm here. Not here...he doesn't know where I am..."

"But he knows you're with us," Remus said.

"I think so. And he wants to scare you."

"Doing a good job of it," said Tonks, scowling.

"This can't go on," Remus agreed. "Occlumency will only take us so far, and it's not something that comes easily. I don't know how else to stop it." Remus knew frustration was creeping into his voice, and he stifled it, for Harry's sake. "We've got to force the moment, sooner or later. We've got to find him and fight him and we've got to kill him. This has gone on for twenty years. That's long enough."

"I'm sorry," Harry said. They both looked at him.

"Sorry that a dark wizard a thousand times more powerful than you is breaking and entering in your brain?" Tonks asked.

"Sorry I can't keep him out."

Remus didn't know what to say. Nothing in his life had quite trained him to deal with a frightened, nearly-sixteen-year-old boy whose life was in a shambles because a dark wizard would not get out of his head. So he ruffled Harry's hair, and smiled.

"Yes, we all blame you, Harry," he drawled. Harry gave him a small smile. "I don't think you've any inkling how much you look like James, do you?" Remus asked, surprising himself.

"A little," Harry admitted.

"Pancakes!" Fred announced, carrying a large plateful to the table. Ron followed with butter and syrup, and they were, for a while, distracted by how to divide up the pancakes, and who wanted the syrup, and whether there was any jam.

This was how it ought to be. Sitting at a table with a beautiful woman next to him and his boys flicking syrup at each other, laughing and joking in the big warm kitchen. This was the family he'd wanted, ached for. It didn't matter that the Weasley boys weren't his own sons, that Harry was the spit and image of his dead father. It didn't matter that Tonks didn't really belong to him, that what they did was as much a catharsis as it was anything else. It didn't matter that it was four in the morning, and they were awake because Voldemort wanted to frighten them.

This was how it ought to be.

"You're smiling," Tonks said, passing him another pancake. He risked kissing her, and was rewarded with hoots from the twins, and the taste of maple syrup on her lips.

"People do that when they're happy," he answered.

***