Solstice

Chapter Thirty Three - Distressed

As Harry went inside, he encountered Lupin in the hallway. "Harry, would you
join me in my office for a moment?" The werewolf's eyes were concerned.

Harry nodded and followed him into the room.

Lupin sat down on the end of his desk. "How's Draco?"

"Upset; he was hyperventilating when I found him, but we talked for a bit and he was okay when I left."

Lupin nodded thoughtfully. "The thought of losing Professor Snape made him have a panic attack. I think he is still suffering from the repercussions of Lucius' actions last year." He looked intently at Harry. "How are you feeling?"

The black-haired teen shrugged.

Lupin regarded him quietly. Despite Harry's evasiveness, he could see the worry etched on his face.

"I have every confidence that Professor Snape will return, but if he were to meet with tragedy, you know you have a lot of support from myself, all members of the Order and all of your many friends."

Harry nodded distractedly. "He was furious with me when I screwed up an Apparating lesson."

"I know all about it."

He looked surprised. "You do?"

"Of course; anything that results in you being admitted to the hospital wing, leads to the members of the Order being informed."

Harry snorted, his anger flowing momentarily. "Great, so if I break a toe everyone will know."

Lupin smiled slightly. "Well, perhaps nothing so insignificant." He then continued, "Judging by your expression at finding Snape at today's lesson I assume you hadn't reached an understanding?"

He shook his head. "He insulted my dad and Sirius again, I couldn't forgive him and he wanted an apology from me for jeopardizing the Order."

"And you didn't apologize," Lupin stated softly, "and you regret that now."

Harry bit his lip. "I keep remembering how he took me to the veil and when he taught me Occlumency last year and helped me deal with Sirius's death."

"When he returns, I suggest you talk to him. You need to let him know how much you appreciated these things. If something were to happen to him at some point you'll feel better for having said them and for forgiving him his lapses in controlling his sarcasm. He does care about you very much."

"Malfoy said that he sort-of thought of me as a son."

Lupin's eyes widened with surprise. "That's a remarkable admission for Severus, especially to Draco."

Harry grew quiet. "I know." He stared at his toes, his black hair falling forward and shielding his eyes. "He...he apparently had feelings for my mother."

"Yes, yes; he did."

Harry looked up, startled. "You knew?"

Lupin nodded looking uncomfortable. "I saw them together once and spoke to Lily about it. I was worried for her but she assured me that Severus would never harm her. She cared about him but under no circumstances was I to let Sirius or James know. It was their secret. I could see the look in Severus' eyes sometimes when he looked at her and thought no-one else was looking. His feelings went beyond friendship."

Harry's green eyes looked worried. "What about my mother's?"

"She felt compassion for Snape; aside from that I don't really know. When he took the Dark Mark, she was angry and disappointed. It was from that point onwards that her relationship with James intensified."

Harry asked hesitantly, "If Snape hadn't taken the Dark Mark, do you think my mother would have ended up with him?"

Lupin's eyes darkened. "I honestly don't know how deep her feelings were. Whether they went beyond friendship..." His voice trailed off.

Harry kept seeing the image from Snape's memory of him holding his mother's dead body. It brought back to him the reality of what a wretched life he had had. Would he be alive long enough to ever experience any happiness or was Voldemort torturing him to death at this very moment?

"Harry?" Lupin asked gently, worried about the desolate look on his face.

The young wizard looked up, smiling wryly, and sighed. "It doesn't really matter anyone. Both my parents are dead; I'll never know."

"They both loved you very much, that's what matters. And if Snape has managed to get over his hatred and jealousy of your father enough to admit that he cares about you, that's a huge improvement."

Harry nodded. "I just hope he's okay."

"Me too." Lupin smiled reassuringly.

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Draco walked into Hogwarts and was about to head into the dungeon when
Hermione came down the stairs.

She glanced around to make sure she wouldn't be overheard. "Are you ok?"

He nodded, even though his chest felt tight again. "Potter made me breathe into a paper bag - yet another wonderful Muggle invention," he replied sarcastically.

"Since you aren't gasping for air it must have worked," Hermione replied with a touch of impatience in her voice.

He glanced at her, his grey eyes shadowed. Her heart skipped a beat. What was it about him that made her want to hug him all the time? His stance and his expression screamed 'stay away!' but something in his eyes cried out for ...what? Comfort perhaps? She didn't know; she just knew, somehow, that she wanted to make him feel better. She knew how important Snape was to him and how worried he was.

"It's going to be okay, Draco."

He smirked. "Right, Granger, everything will be perfect."

She sighed frustrated. "I'm not trying to trivialize what could happen but Professor Snape is smart; he won't do anything to jeopardize himself."

"But my father will jeopardize him," Draco responded, the smirk disappearing as once again the horrible fear he felt took over.

"He won't let him," she assured him again.

He shook his head, tired of arguing with her.

She reached out tentatively and stroked his arm. "Try to be positive; you're only hurting yourself if you have another panic attack."

His eyes flashed as he pulled away. "I'm fine."

She bit her lip. She had wanted to make him feel better but he was pulling away from her again, looking very annoyed.

"I have to go," he said curtly and headed down to the dungeons.

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At dinner that night, the atmosphere amongst the professors was very somber. They were all rather worried, although they didn't show it. Albus kept thinking that this was the first time since Draco had been beaten and Severus' own almost-fatal encounter that Severus would encounter Lucius again. Would there be a repeat of last time? Would Severus be able to keep his temper in check when encountering his old friend? Would Lucius want revenge now that he had lost custody of his heir? How would Tom react to all of this? Would he believe Severus' reasoning that he had petitioned for custody in order to keep the future Death Eater from being beaten to death? Would he believe that Severus was doing it for the Dark side or would he see that his main motive was love, something that Tom considered weak and detestable?

Remus told Albus, Molly and Minerva that he had spoken to Harry, who was naturally very worried. They all noted that Draco was not in the Great Hall.

"I'll check up on him and make sure he's not having another panic attack," Minerva assured them.

Later, after dinner, she discovered through Crabbe and Goyle that Draco was not in the Slytherin dorm and no-one had seen him since the afternoon. Worried, she went down to Severus' room, thinking that perhaps he had gone there to wait.

She found him sitting by the fire, idly stroking Loki. His expression was vacant.

"Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing here?"

He looked at her startled, eyes wide. "I can't stay in the dorm tonight. I want to be here when he comes back."

She shook her head.

"Please!" His voice was desperate.

She sighed. "You really should not be in here."

His head dropped as he stared at the cat. "I want to make sure he's all right." His voice was soft but filled with anxiety. "I..." He was about to say something and stopped. He bit his lip and focused on a shelf full of potions instead.

She frowned. "What is it, Mr. Malfoy?" He squeezed his eyes shut at her words. "Draco?"

His silvery eyes opened and looked at her in surprise. "You've never called me by my first name before."

"Perhaps, when it's just you and me speaking, it could be appropriate."

He nodded, giving her a small smile, and then once again looked away.

"Tell me what's wrong. I promise it will stay between the two of us."

He looked doubtful. Could her trust her not to tell Snape? The anxiety was overwhelming. He cleared his throat. "Promise," he said, barely above a whisper.

Worried, she nodded.

"I keep having these awful dreams ... in which my father...kills him."

"Oh, dear boy, they are just dreams. It's your own fear and worry haunting you. You mustn't let them fester. Have you talked to Professor Snape about them?"

"NO. You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!" He jumped up, panic once again in his voice as Loki jumped off looking disgruntled.

"Shhhh, calm down. I won't, but you can't keep missing sleep and torturing yourself this way."

"What am I supposed to do? I can't make them stop," he mumbled dejectedly.

"Well, for tonight, I'll give you a dreamless sleep potion."

He looked at her again. "He gave me one last night."

"He must know something, then?"

Draco shook his head. "He knows I haven't been sleeping well but he doesn't know about the dreams."

"I'll give you a half-dose."

"No! I don't want to be asleep when he comes back!" he all but shouted at her.

McGonagall's voice acquired a note of sternness. "Draco, you will do as you are told or you will not be allowed to spend the night here," she stated firmly.

His pointy chin rose in the air and his eyes narrowed resentfully. "What does it matter if I take it or not?"

"You have missed far too much sleep and I happen to know that Advanced Transfiguration isn't the only class that your marks have dropped in."

He couldn't deny it. He grumbled, "Fine, I'll take it, then."

"Good." She left for a few moments and came back with a half-filled vial. "I want to see you swallow it."

He glared at her stubbornly. "Why can't you just leave me alone to wait for him?"

Her eyes softened. "Because I care about you and I know Professor Snape would want you to get some much needed rest."

"I'll rest tomorrow when he's back." He refused to take the vial that she held out.

"Fine, then; as I said before you will not be spending the night here." McGonagall stood her ground firmly against the petulant teen.

He shifted uncomfortably under her stern gaze.

"Well? Go on, Mr. Malfoy, back to your room."

He bit his lip, his eyes smoky grey and angry. He responded hoarsely, his voice tight, "I'll take it."

He took the vial and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at it.

McGonagall sat down beside him and put her hand on his back as she tried to soothe and reassure him. "I know you think I am being unreasonable by insisting you take this but I am only doing this because I am worried about you."

His eyes closed tightly, his breathing becoming rapid and irregular.

She knew how frightened he was at the possibility of losing Severus, the one person in his life that had cared about him for as far back as he could remember. She also knew how much Draco meant to Severus.

She sighed softly again; she wasn't sure if he would pull away or not but she followed an age-old instinct and put her arms around him. He stiffened for a moment; she knew he was fighting the anger he felt, but he then took a deep shaky breath, his arms tentatively wrapped around her and his head fell to her shoulder. The little boy that had, like Harry, never experienced a mother's love, sought her out, wanting to be comforted and told that all would be well.

"No matter what happens, you are not alone anymore," she whispered to him as her heart went out to him.

"I know, but...," He took another deep breath, then responded in a choked
voice, "I don't want him to die."

"None of us do; we all care very much for Professor Snape."

He nodded, pulling out of her embrace, and blushing softly. He glanced at her briefly before his eyes dropped down again as he looked embarrassed.

"Ready to get some rest now?"

"No. I still don't want to take it but if that's the only way I can stay here?" He looked at her hoping she had relented.

She had a tight, yet amused, smile on her face. "Yes, that's the only way." She transfigured the sofa into a bed.

He lay down under the covers and swallowed the potion. Waves of heaviness swept over him and he knew no more.

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Harry went to the Gryffindor rooms that night feeling sick with worry and dread. He was surprised to find Ron still up in bed. He looked at him guiltily for a moment. "Hi."

Ron responded with a curt greeting.

"Pomfrey let you out early?"

Ron nodded.

Harry felt even guiltier. "Er, Ron, about before..."

Ron raised an eyebrow at him. "You mean when you did a pretty good imitation of Snape?"

Harry flushed. "I'm sorry."

They stared at each other for a moment awkwardly. Ron then smiled wearily. "I guess I'd be a git if I didn't forgive you. Any word on Snape? Hermione told me what happened."

Harry shook his head. "He still hasn't come back."

"Malfoy must really be freaking now."

Harry nodded. "Probably. I haven't seen him for quite a while; he didn't come to dinner."

"You know there's nothing either of you can do so you might as well not make yourself sick with worry," Ron said practically.

Harry nodded.

"On a happy note Pomfrey gave the green light for me to play in next week's Quidditch match against Slytherin. Mum's not too happy about it, though." Ron grinned.

"It would have been Sirius's birthday on that day," Harry noted sadly.

Ron grew silent for a moment. He never knew what to say to Harry when he grew quiet like this. He usually ignored it and tried to change the subject but Hermione had told him that it wasn't good for Harry when he did that. He needed to talk and deal with it, but it was awkward.

"You could dedicate your catching the Snitch to him?" he suggested hesitantly.

Harry snorted. "If I actually manage to catch it."

"You usually do. You're one of the best Seekers ever."

His words made Harry smile. "You're my friend, you're a bit biased. Don't forget I have Draco to deal with."

Ron grudgingly admitted, "Yeah, I guess he's a half-decent Seeker at times."

"But I like your idea; if I do catch it, I'll dedicate it to Sirius. He would have liked that, especially in a match against Slytherin." The thought lifted Harry's spirits a little.

"Snape will hate it!" Ron blurted out - realizing too late that he directed Harry's thought back to worry.

"If he's alive for it." His heart sank again.

"He will be," Ron assured him.

Harry headed into his bed with a heavy heart.

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Late that night, Snape headed towards Hogwarts from the Forbidden Forest, his body sore and aching from the three Cruciatus curses the Dark Lord had used on him. The first one that occurred after he and Lucius had gotten into a loud argument over Draco's custody. They had both drawn wands. The Dark Lord had been furious with both of them for disrupting the meeting. The second one was for going after custody of Draco without his permission. The third one for not reporting to the Dark Lord on these events. He hated not knowing every detail that occurred in the lives of his Death Eaters.

Even though Snape felt sick and shaken he had got off lightly in comparison to Lucius. When the Dark Lord learned that Lucius had almost taken a future Death Eater's life, he subjected him to an extended period of the curse. This left the elder Malfoy a pathetic sobbing bundle of robes, curled on the ground shaking uncontrollably. Lucius never could handle pain well. If it had been Draco on the ground it would have been heartwrenching for Snape to observe but after what Lucius had done to him last year, he had a hard time mustering up even a grain of sympathy for the chastised blond wizard.

When Malfoy had finally gained some composure back and was able to rise trembling to his feet, he apologized profusely to the Dark Lord, explaining

That he had never meant to almost kill his heir - just punish him for disloyalty. The Dark Lord seemed to accept this but with a warning to all Death Eaters that their children were vital to their survival. Lucius nodded, his cold steel eyes still watering from the pain. For a moment his and Snape's eyes met and for the first time in a long time Snape felt a flash of sympathy. Sympathy in the context that his long-time friend would never know what a lucky man he could have been, how much love he could have had if only he'd been able to feel and give some himself. His expression softened a little and Lucius' eyes widened slightly in surprise.

The meeting had dragged on, as they had to listen to the Dark Lord's ranting over Harry Potter. He was determined to kill him himself. During the rant, Snape concentrated on how much he despised James Potter and for years Harry also. The Dark Lord would see his contempt and not doubt his loyalty.

Snape stumbled lightly as he walked very slowly towards Hogwarts. Cold sweat was beading his forehead, and his dark hair was tangled and falling over his eyes. He winced every so often. The Dark Lord had been in a particularly foul mood, making him even crueler than usual. Snape stopped for a moment, leaning against a tree as a wave of nausea rolled over him. With weary eyes, he looked towards the castle. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath, willing himself to put one foot in front of the other.

"Here, let me help," came a soft voice suddenly to his right.

Startled, and inhaling sharply, he looked into the worried eyes of Tonks.

"How did you know?" Snape gasped out.

"I've been watching for you from the castle; as soon as I saw you I ran down. We've all been frantic with worry." She moved close to him, putting her arm around his waist so that his arm was over her shoulder. "I'm assuming you're suffering lingering effects of the Cruciatus?"

"I'm fine; I don't need help," he rasped coldly.

She looked up at him with a soft smile on her face. "Stop being so damn ornery. You'll get back into the castle much quicker with my help. I could, of course, conjure up a stretcher and load you on it?"

"Absolutely NOT!" he snarled, eyes blazing with fury.

She grinned mischievously. "Relax, Sev, I won't do anything to diminish your masculinity."

He was too exhausted and in too much pain to respond further.

"I'm very relieved to see you," she said to him softly as she supported him
gently.

Even though he was enveloped in a haze of lingering pain and shivers, her words made an unexpected feeling of warmth wash over him.

She brought him into the hospital wing where Poppy immediately started fussing over him. When the mediwitch had him settled in one of the beds and given him a draught of pain reliever, he looked up drowsily at Tonks. He didn't know if it was the three Cruciatus curses or the pain-relieving draught but suddenly the words just came out, in a low voice that was still a little hoarse from the pain he had endured. "Are you just going to stand there or tuck me in?" A second after the words came out of his mouth, his eyes widened in horror.

Tonks snorted in amusement. "Oh boy, you really are out of it." She grinned, moving closer and softly tucking the blanket around him. "Better?" she asked sweetly.

He ignored her question. "How is Draco?"

"I didn't see him but Minerva told me he was very distraught; apparently after you left he started hyperventilating. Harry calmed him down and Minerva spent some time trying to reassure him. He insisted on spending the night in your room. Minerva gave him a light dose of sleeping potion. He really loves you, you know."

Another flood of warmth filled him. "I love him too," he said hoarsely.

"I'll leave you to get some sleep - unless you need me to kiss you and make it better," she laughed lightly, teasing him.

He couldn't suppress the small smile that forced itself on his lips. "I'll be fine." He paused for a moment. "Thank you for coming to help me." His dark eyes connected with hers.

She stepped closer for a moment and with her hand lightly brushed his hair out of his face. "You're welcome." Then, with a soft sigh of relief that he was okay, she turned and left.

Snape was left wondering how her lips on his would have felt. He was rather
inexperienced with this teasing thing; did she mean it? The thought lulled him sleep.

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Tonks spread the word to all of the professors via the Floo that Snape was fine and resting in the hospital wing. She issued a strict warning that if they disturbed him before morning she would hex them.

Dumbledore sat back in his office, his blue eyes twinkling upon hearing her words. Things were happening for Severus, even if he didn't realize it yet. He got up and went to the hospital wing. As he stood in front of Severus, he felt a wave of protectiveness wash over him. He reached down and stroked the black hair away from the pale face. "I'm very glad you are back safely amongst us."

Minerva breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing the news. She went down to Snape's room and checked on Draco. She smiled, seeing him fast asleep, curled around Loki, who opened his amber eyes and regarded her sleepily. The boy was always so pale, and even in sleep his face looked drawn and anxious.

She debated whether or not to wake him to tell him that Snape would be fine but, despite his groggy state from the draught, he would insist on going to the hospital wing and Severus needed to rest as did he also. She left a little note on the nightstand so that he wouldn't panic when he woke up.

The following morning, before the sun had risen, Draco woke up immediately getting up and running into Snape's bedroom. The bed was empty. His heart dropped and his throat went dry. He walked back towards his bed, suddenly seeing the note on the nightstand. He hesitantly picked it up; the words leapt off the page. He quickly got dressed and ran down to the hospital wing.

Snape was still asleep so he sat down by his bedside. He anxiously looked him over for any visible signs of injury. He couldn't see any. Madam Pompfrey came up to him "Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to check on Professor Snape. Is he okay?"

She nodded. "He'll be just fine."

Draco smiled a little, the relief showing on his face.

Snape woke up slowly. His mouth felt dry and his body still ached a bit. He opened his eyes to see worried grey eyes looking at him.

"Draco, what are you doing here?" he asked raspily.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," came the anxious reply.

"I'm fine." He sat up cautiously.

"Why are you in here?"

"The Dark Lord was in a rather foul mood and I got a few tastes of the Cruciatus."

The blond teen paled even more than usual, he swallowed heavily before asking, "Was, was my ...father there?"

"Yes. It might interest you to know that the Dark Lord was most displeased with him for almost killing you. Lucius was even worse off than I."

"What did he do to him?" Draco asked softly.

Snape regarded him. He knew that Draco would be curious, but he was concerned that there were still feelings; he didn't want him feeling pity for Lucius. Yet he didn't want to lie to him either. "An extended session of the Cruciatus."

Draco wouldn't make eye contact with him. "Was he okay?"

"Eventually. As you learned first-hand from your father, the Cruciatus is rather painful. He had collapsed to the floor sobbing, then begged the Dark Lord for forgiveness. He got it but with a warning that harming future Death Eaters would not be tolerated."

Draco grew quiet; the image of his father broken on the floor made him feel strange. He knew he should feel some sort of satisfaction but he didn't know what to feel. He looked up to meet Snape's concerned dark gaze.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his deep voice laced with worry.

The young blond nodded, looking back down at the floor.

Snape got up and put on the robe that Poppy had laid out for him. Draco also got up he kept glancing up at him, his eyes still wide with anxiety. He stepped towards him and hesitantly, almost as if he was afraid that Snape would push him away, he raised his arms and hugged him. "I'm glad you're back."

Snape hugged him back tightly. "I will always do everything I can to ensure that I am there for you."

Draco closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the feeling of having someone really love him.

Just then Harry entered.