Seamus Finnigan and the Fangirl Stalkers

Seamus Finnigan and the Fangirl Stalkers

Seamus grinned sheepishly as he finished unwrapping Lavender's birthday present to him and found a pair of silk shamrock boxers neatly folded inside. "Wow. Uh, thanks." He tried to look pleased. Gee, take a girl to a yule ball, and suddenly you're shipped exclusively with her...

When Parvati Patil came and sat down to talk to Lavender about their Divination assignment, Seamus saw his chance and excused himself as politely and quickly as possible. He left the Three Broomsticks and found Dean Thomas over at Zonko's Joke Shop, having apparently eaten one of the Weasley twins' joke-candies, as his hair was now a rather glittery purple.

"You should know better by now Dean," Seamus told him, trying to stifle a laugh himself. Dean grumbled something, but Seamus ignored him. "Want to go throw rocks at the Shrieking Shack again?"

They left Zonko's and started up the road toward the old building, but Seamus soon felt that they were being watched. Probably just the slashers, he told himself, trying to prove that Dean and I are a couple.

The flash of a camera caught him by surprise. Both boys stopped in their tracks and looked around for the culprit, but there was no one to be seen. Then another camera flashed from a different location. The boys searched the hedges nearby, but didn't come up with any photographers. They decided to just head back to the Three Broomsticks.

Inside, Seamus still couldn't shake the feeling that there were eyes on him. He looked up several times and spotted various girls peeking at him over their magazines and butterbeers, but he convinced himself it was normal. He was, after all, Irish. Girls loved Irish fellows.

Finally all the students were getting ready to return to the school. Seamus was eager to get back to the boys' dorm, where the only eyes on him would be Trevor's. (There was something odd about that toad...)

He and Dean were caught by a few more camera flashes as they left, but still they could not catch the source. They gave up and followed the others back to Hogwarts, and soon they were safe inside Gryffindor Tower.

Or so they thought.

Seamus was putting on his pajama's - Leroy the Leprechaun pajamas, with booties attached - when the next camera flashed. He jumped up and darted his eyes around the room.

A camera-holding hand slipped in the slightly ajar door, and flashed again. Seamus leapt at it.

He pulled the camera away and threw it on the floor in a rage, and jerked the hand so that its owner collapsed into the room.

"...Colin?"

"I... didn't want to... they made me," Colin whimpered.

"Who?"

"The... the fangirls!"

"Fangirls?"

"Yes. They're after you. They won't stop until... until..."

"Yes yes until...?"

"Until they've glomped you!" Colin broke out in tears.

"Oh for Merlin's sake," Seamus rolled his eyes. "What a load of -"

Just as he spoke, Trevor hopped right over and began to grow and transform, until the toad had become a girl about Seamus's age.

"Who are you?" Seamus demanded.

"I..." (dramatic pause, hands on hips) "am a fangirl!"

There was a general gasp of shock from all present.

"We have been stalking you Seamus. We have found you worthy of fangirl-dom. We would like to glomp you."

"Glomp me? No, please! I'll do anything..."

"I'm afraid it is unavoidable. Unless..."

"What? I'll do anything! Just don't glomp me!"

"Well, you must agree to let us ship you with Lavender permanently."

Seamus opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked at Dean, who shrugged.

"What about the slashers?!" asked a slasher, who had popped out of nowhere.

"We'll give you Dean and both Weasley twins," the fangirl stated diplomatically.

Dean made a little squeal, and hid behind his trunk.

"Very well," Seamus sighed. "Ship me with Lavender."

The fangirl was appeased, and apparated out of Hogwarts with an evil cackle.

"But you can't apparate out of Hogwarts!" Hermione cried from the girls' dormitory. The Author silenced her with a thwap on the head.

The fangirls kept a close eye on Seamus from then on, making sure he and Lavender were the center of all sorts of fluff. The slashers formed a new Fred/Dean/George love triangle, and were quite pleased to see that others found it to be the most squickish ship yet.

As for the Author, she's still out there... threatening to thwap anyone who points out inconsistencies in her plot.