Siege of the Sues

"What have you got there?" Voldemort peered over Wormtail's shoulder.

"It's a scrying glass. Hush." Wormtail was intent on the image appearing in the little glass.

"What the hell is a scrying glass?"

Wormtail shrugged. "How should I know? It just lets, well, either Serena or Serenity contact me directly and let me know what's going on."

"And?" Voldemort prompted.

"Well..." Wormtail furrowed his brow. "I mean, really well, in all the things we wanted to achieve. Dumbledore's let all the Sues in thanks to Kayla Renee, and he's totally entranced by her. Apparently he's been playing with the great unicorn spirit for pony rides or something." Wormtail shook his head. "Wish I had whatever he's on."

"So Dumbledore's defenses are down," Voldemort murmured, steepling his fingers. "Very good. What else?"

"Umm...well, the whole school's in an uproar. Apparently Potter's lost it. He ran out of class screaming, couldn't handle it anymore."

Voldemort chuckled. "You know, I had wanted him to be taken in by a Sue, but madness will suffice. Of course, madness can make one dangerous...see that a Sue is dispatched to leech onto Potter."

Wormtail nodded. "No problem. There are a few nasty side effects, though."

"Like what?"

"Apparently Severus has been affected terribly. Something about kittens."

"He's biting their heads off?" Voldemort considered. "That doesn't seem too bad."

"No, no, he's got a basket full of kittens..." Wormtail hit the side of the scrying glass. "There we go. Yeah, a basket of kittens, named Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy...Oh, this is pathetic. Even I can't handle this."

"We can't have that," Voldemort snapped. He began pacing the room urgently. "No, we don't need our own officers in the field having their judgement clouded by these--"

"DADDY!" Wormtail almost dropped the scrying glass. A red-faced Keira was standing in the doorway, wearing a shirt today that said "Daddy's Evil Little Girl".

"What is it, Keira sweetums? Daddy's very busy right now plotting the destruction of wizarding society, can it wait just a moment?"

"NO! I..." Keira unballed her fists. "Can I help? Pleeeease?"

Voldemort sighed. "Okay."

"Yay!" She jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Oh, yay, I've always wanted to plan the destruction of wizarding society!"

"Good," Wormtail said wearily, setting the scrying glass on the table. "Go get Potter in the sack. I think we can take it from there."

Keira's eyes widened. "Really? Ohmigod! I've gotta go pack!" She rushed off to her room, squealing "I'm gonna screw Potter!" all the way.

"She seems a little too excited about that prospect," Voldemort noted.

"I wouldn't be too worried about it," Wormtail replied. "We've got Dumbledore taken care of, but you know it's always Potter and his friends who screw up the plans. From what Serena or Serenity is telling me, the girl has been detonating Sues left and right, but she's slowly falling under our control. The Weasley boy is holding out, but he's a walking ball of hormones, from what I'm told. Once Potter is sufficiently distracted, we should be ready to move in."

Voldemort shook his head. "We're going to wait. I don't want anybody in that school to remember a thing from before the Sues showed up. They'll lose their skills, they'll get out of practice. And then, we strike."

Keira reappeared in the door (Wormtail had discovered in a terribly unpleasant way last night that she was an expert Apparator; he was still arguing about whether she was still required to knock on the bathroom door or not) with several suitcases full of clothes, Hot Topic tags sticking out everywhere. "Daddy? My friend Thalia sent me this today from Hogwarts." She held out a piece of paper. Wormtail leaned over Voldemort's shoulder to read it:

OMGWTFBBQ! Were like soooo not alowed to have petz Xcep 4 stiky owelz n catz n im alergic n ikky TOADZ!!!!!!!111 eww i cant take my :PONIE STARLLA SUNSHINE even tho shez like my FAMILLAR n stuf!

Keira appeared to be on the verge of tears. "Daddy, can't I take Snookums?"

"Yes, yes, honey, you can take Snookums..." Voldemort turned to Wormtail. "They've developed their own code! It's completely indecipherable! Keira...can your friends who are still here teach us this code?"

"Well...sure, Daddy! Like, everyone knows it!" She rolled her eyes.

"Wonderful. Wormtail, you get to work on this. Keira, tell all the girls at Hogwarts to only send us reports in this code, okay?" Keira nodded and Apparated away.

"She Apparated into Hogw...oh, never mind," Wormtail muttered. He stared at the letter Voldemort had handed him. He felt a headache coming on.