The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

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Underwear:  Tourists visiting any region of HPFH are subject to the rules and regulations therein and some of the most important are those concerning the authorized styles of undergarments and the approved methods for their removal by interested separate parties. 

WHAT ARE THE ACCEPTABLE STYLES?  Your tour guides have decided where and when certain kinds of smallclothes can be worn.  But regardless of style, all tourists should don theirs every morning with the understanding that they may not be the only person seeing their drawers that day.  So presentability is key. 

MEN:  The only other hard and fast rule for all male Potterians and tourists is the “boxers rule.”  No one wears tighty whities.  Draco’s and Severus’s will be of black silk, which is, incidentally, yet another indication of their disregard for the House Elves. (Can you imagine laundering that many pairs of silk boxers?)  Harry and Ron favor somewhat more conventional cotton fabric in plaid patterns or jewel tones.  Whimsical boxers depicting Quidditch (think of the pun possibilities) or some other such theme make wonderful wince-worthy Christmas or birthday gifts for couples that have attained a degree of permanence in their relationship (See Severus Snape/Perky).  The recipient is required to gape at their love in horror before good-naturedly joining in the laughter. See towels, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Ron Wealsey/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/Original Character, and Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley

WOMEN: Tours featuring meaningless or dangerous sex require exciting feminine underwear.  It must be made of opulent fabrics, like satin or silk, and be in an eye-catching shade, like crimson or turquoise.  If you are especially anxious not to offend, you may even want to invest in a negligee to be worn beneath your robes.  This is especially prudent for regions that include Sort of Good Draco.  The tour guides apparently have decided that, since Draco has had to wrestle you out of your four layers of outer clothing, he ought to be rewarded for the exertion.  Tourists who expect their sex to be meaningful have the option of interesting underwear but are allowed a little more latitude to make a tamer choice.  Hermione Granger and Ginny Wealsey tend to fall back on cotton in white, pink, or pale blue.  Cotton and pastels evidently indicate virtue and chaste living so tourists should be comfortable with the statement they are making with their under things.  See Virginity

OKAY I HAVE MY UNDIES, NOW HOW TO DISPOSE OF MY FRIEND’S?  Almost every tourist will be expected to take off someone’s under garments during the tour, sometimes on more than one occasion.  Your tour guides add further difficulties by scheduling these already emotionally fraught moments in places and times that are often unusual.  Helpless tourists may be left wondering what exactly they should do with the boxers/panties while they are frantically writhing amongst the dead leaves in the Forbidden Forest.  Luckily the rules are straightforward, though not always practical.  When engaging in meaningless and/or dangerous sex, underwear may be torn off, like the rest of the clothes, or gently eased off, unlike the rest of the clothes.  You may toss it anywhere you like.  It is the responsibility of the owner to locate it later.  Meaningful/safe sex calls for the ceremonious removal of each article of clothing, underwear included.  Tourists set upon this style should cultivate patience and gratify themselves with the knowledge that, not only do they have a meaningful loving relationship, but also their underwear will be much easier to find afterward.  See Astronomy Tower, bathrooms, corridors, all relationships, and love

Unforgivable Curses act as a sort of verbal evil short hand.  We provide handy translations below:

            Avada Kedavra (see tragedy, death, killing, muggles, Severus Snape, Voldemort, spy, kindness, and death eaters) –

- “Because I am - otherwise occupied/in a hurry/not particularly brutal - I quickly and painlessly kill you.” or

- “Your relatives/lover is looking on so I am going to kill you casually and cause them pain by my total lack of feeling.” or

- “I want to put you out of your agony but I cannot help you in any way that doesn’t involve killing you because I am a spy and it would blow my cover.  Please forgive me and thank me silently with your eyes.”

Imperio (see guilt, rape, treachery, justice, and death eaters) –

- “I am evil but subtle.  Do what I tell you!” or

- “I am evil and also strange.  I am going to play with your mind and emotions with degrading results.  Prepare to be crippled by guilt/shame.”

- “I am evil but squeamish.  Kill your friends so I don’t have to.”

Crucio (see Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Harry Potter, and torture) –

- “I am a sadistic torturer but your tour guide isn’t, so they are not going to distress themselves by thinking up or describing in unnecessary detail other torments I could subject you to.” or

- “I am a sadistic torturer but I haven’t got any of my sadistic torturer tools near by.  Just wait till we get back to my lair.”

Tourist who don’t have the time or inclination to ponder these specifics can also just supply this useful phrase for any of them:

-  “I am evil! Look, I use the unforgivable curses!  Fear me!”

Unicorns are the armadillos of HPFH.  Only the very fortunate will ever see them alive and your pleasure in this privilege will be cut short by the tragic demise of the gleaming embodiment of innocence and purity.  Contrary to popular belief, we have reason to suspect unicorns are actually quite common. Or the frequency with which various parts of them end up in wands and potions seems to indicate this.  The users of the before mentioned items need not experience crises of conscience, since the unicorns have universally donated these bits of their anatomy at the gentle urgings of a female virgin.  However tourist should carefully check the sources of their unicorn blood as unscrupulous Potterians often harvest it and it is possible to be tainted by association.  If you have a female retaining the flower of innocence in your party, we recommend having her request an offering from the unicorn.  She will undoubtedly find it a rewarding experience and may be gifted with a fairly useless but somehow valuable magical trinket. See Hermione Granger, Original Characters, Female

Unintentional Potion is created when the tour guides grow weary of using only unjust detentions, special projects, or the untimely death of her relatives to get Hermione into Draco’s or Snape’s arms.  Brewing Unintentional Potion requires the intervention of Neville Longbottom or a spiteful Draco Malfoy.  Although sometimes clumsiness induced by personal tragedy can help too.  Through one of the routes, Hermione’s volatile but essentially harmless concoction will instead become a dangerous and/or never-before-seen tonic that will either be innocently ingested or splashed all over her/them.  Tourists may be surprised when they realize that, no matter what the original ingredients or the nature of the error, the UP will always bestow telepathy, an uncomfortable meeting of minds, or an extremely uncomfortable body-swap.  If nothing else, the necessary scrambling about to effect a cure will allow the victims to bond over their mutual affliction.   It is perhaps ironic that, despite Severus’s undoubted dedication to painstaking research, it appears the best method for the creation of groundbreaking potions is to toss random items into a simmering caldron.  His reasons for shunning this haphazard technique are probably the secondary likelihood of creating a Latent Lust potion.  However your tour guides, content in the knowledge that it will lead to a deliriously happy relationship, experience no such qualms.  See Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, and sex 

Unrequited love is the cause of a lot on unnecessary worry.  Potterians who are not Ginny Weasley, the youthful Severus Snape or Ron Weasley, should know that the source of their passion will be experiencing similar pains.  Circumstances will conspire to make your both admit your true feelings rather sooner than you ever believed possible.  Although probably in a more dramatic fashion than you might have wished.  But there are certain unfortunate Potterians slated to have legitimate unrequited love.  As canon evidence proves, young Severus’s adoration of Lily Evans will be doomed.  However, as it will often inspire his return to Dumbledore and the light, we can only hail it as a fortunate if uncomfortable condition.  The results of Ginny’s unreturned affections for Harry Potter are rather more bleak.  Her emotional anguish will inspire suicidal urges, affairs with Draco Malfoy, and, occasionally, precipitate and rather puzzling re-sorting into Slytherin.  Wonderful yet spurned Ron will quell his disappointment in manfully delivered speeches about how he loves Hermione enough to let her go.  Hated Ron will take this as a logical reason to run to the arms of Voldemort or never speak to Hermione again.  But since this Ron is somewhat annoying, tourists may not be too sorry about this.  Unfortunately either action will be preceded by fiery denunciations of the evilness of Hermione’s romantic interest and unnecessary displays of temper.  Perhaps he is deserving of some compassion however.  Given female characters, lack thereof, his indignation at losing out on one of them may be somewhat justified.  See Harry Potter/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, Marauders, and death eaters