The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

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Teachers (as a group): The more minor Professors of HPFH seem to exist only in the dining hall and their respective classrooms. As they are never see in the corridors, perhaps they provide yet another exception to the ban on Apparation on Hogwarts grounds. When they are all congregating in a small area, they display a distressing herd mentality. They are a sprightly bunch with a rather annoying tendency to gossip. Mature tourists involved in a relationship with Severus Snape should prepared themselves to be the object of titters and gleefully suspicious glances over breakfast. If you have a delicate digestive system we suggest having a muffin in your room. Of course avoiding them will only confirm their suspicions and make their behavior that much worse. If you manage to extract one of these educationalists from the pack they will morph into something else altogether. See Teachers (individuals),

Teachers (individuals): When your tour guides allow the less central Hogwarts professors to have individual personalities, they will actually play some part in the action and thus tourists should be familiar with their likely behavior.

FILIUS FLITWICK, because of his often-mentioned diminutive proportions, is grossly underestimated. This is possibly because he is not allowed to show his true mettle until Voldemort attacks Hogwarts. He will heroically rally the other teachers, who will create a slightly impromptu but highly effective diversion. Although he is never allowed to save the day, his contribution will allow other more crucial Potterians to mentally prepare themselves for the final battle. His death will be sincerely but rapidly mourned. See tragedy and death eaters

PROFESSOR SINISTRA is young and beautiful but doesn’t get out much. Given female characters, lack thereof, tourists may be surprised at how rarely she is paired with Severus Snape or another of the plentiful supply of eligible bachelors. Although her actual classes are generally disregarded, her classroom is often employed by amorous Potterians. See Astronomy Tower, the

SYBILL TRELAWNEY’s ominous predictions provide a whimsical though somewhat annoying counterpoint to the practicalities of Hogwarts staff meetings. Tourists are advised to actively ignore her or insult her to her face. Don’t worry, she will not notice. See prophecy and seers

PROFESSOR VECTOR’s progressive teaching methods and dedication to smoothing over interhouse tensions will often inspire her to assign special projects to Draco and Hermione. Perhaps she knows that they will thank her eventually. She will prattle cheerfully though any lesson completely unaware of the strain or even open hostility in her classroom. She can sometimes be a little overwhelming in her amiability.

PROFESSOR SPROUT is an earthy witch who exists solely to be nice to Neville Longbottom and provide Severus Snape with obscure potions ingredients. She will occasionally neglect to supervise eventful detentions.

Three Broomsticks, the provides a good temporary job for directionless young Potterians. Students come here for first dates and general merrymaking. Adults frequent the establishment for somewhat more grim and sodden-tary reasons. A favorite haunt of Excuse Me I Must Go Home and Stick My Head in the Oven Remus,guilt riddenSnape, and the fundamentally depressed, they will all go in order to drown their sorrows in Firewhiskey. Those who overindulge heavily will be dusted off and relegated to an upstairs room by the sympathetic Madame Rosmerta to sleep it off. See murder, James Potter, and Lily Potter

Time-turners: the sole reason for the existence of time-turners in HPFH is so that conscientious tour guides can pair Hermione Granger with a significantly older Potterian. While the tour begins in Harry era Hogwarts, we suggest tourists sign up for the Marauders time since Hermione will almost immediately be plummeting down a flight of stairs and into the past. The details of this departure are somewhat puzzling. Though you are undoubtedly aware that the Hogwarts stairs are magical, you will probably be amazed by their unique accelerative properties. Apparently when one falls down the stairs with a time turner, the steps will exert enough torque upon it to produce an angular velocity of approximately 3893.36 revolutions per second (This estimate is extremely conservative, exact calculations will be provided upon request). Don’t be too alarmed on Hermione’s behalf however; she will suffer only a mild concussion. She will awaken to hazily see face of a Marauder’s era male Potterian. If he is James, she will invariably and understandably call him Harry. This is the only thing she will be doing with James except occasionally being teased. The Potterians of the region will exhibit little evidence of a life of their own. They will be primarily concerned with flittering about Hermione. One wonders what they did before she arrived.

REMUS LUPIN often already holds his professorship as a nickname. He has a placidly controlled disposition that will instantly appeal to the bookish Hermione. He will be surprised and almost pathetically relieved when Hermione reveals early in the tour she already knows he is a werewolf and is still desirous of his friendship/amatory attentions. If he is destined to be win the heart of the tours heroine he will stumble awkwardly into the relationship with the aid of much blushing and teasing from his friends. If her tastes follow a different path, he will be her stanch supporter and try to mitigate the harm of Sirius’s actions.

SYBILL TRELAWNEY’s ominous predictions provide a whimsical though somewhat annoying counterpoint to the practicalities of Hogwarts staff meetings. Tourists are advised to actively ignore her or insult her to her face. Don’t worry, she will not notice. See prophecy and seers

PROFESSOR VECTOR’s progressive teaching methods and dedication to smoothing over interhouse tensions will often inspire her to assign special projects to Draco and Hermione. Perhaps she knows that they will thank her eventually. She will prattle cheerfully though any lesson completely unaware of the strain or even open hostility in her classroom. She can sometimes be a little overwhelming in her amiability.

PROFESSOR SPROUT is an earthy witch who exists solely to be nice to Neville Longbottom and provide Severus Snape with obscure potions ingredients. She will occasionally neglect to supervise eventful detentions.

Three Broomsticks, the provides a good temporary job for directionless young Potterians. Students come here for first dates and general merrymaking. Adults frequent the establishment for somewhat more grim and sodden-tary reasons. A favorite haunt of Excuse Me I Must Go Home and Stick My Head in the Oven Remus,guilt riddenSnape, and the fundamentally depressed, they will all go in order to drown their sorrows in Firewhiskey. Those who overindulge heavily will be dusted off and relegated to an upstairs room by the sympathetic Madame Rosmerta to sleep it off. See murder, James Potter, and Lily Potter

Time-turners: the sole reason for the existence of time-turners in HPFH is so that conscientious tour guides can pair Hermione Granger with a significantly older Potterian. While the tour begins in Harry era Hogwarts, we suggest tourists sign up for the Marauders time since Hermione will almost immediately be plummeting down a flight of stairs and into the past. The details of this departure are somewhat puzzling. Though you are undoubtedly aware that the Hogwarts stairs are magical, you will probably be amazed by their unique accelerative properties. Apparently when one falls down the stairs with a time turner, the steps will exert enough torque upon it to produce an angular velocity of approximately 3893.36 revolutions per second (This estimate is extremely conservative, exact calculations will be provided upon request). Don’t be too alarmed on Hermione’s behalf however; she will suffer only a mild concussion. She will awaken to hazily see face of a Marauder’s era male Potterian. If he is James, she will invariably and understandably call him Harry. This is the only thing she will be doing with James except occasionally being teased. The Potterians of the region will exhibit little evidence of a life of their own. They will be primarily concerned with flittering about Hermione. One wonders what they did before she arrived.

SIRIUS BLACK and Hermione will be jolly good friends. He will provide her with a nickname and disapprove of any relationship she has with Severus. He will occasionally rival Remus for Hermione’s affections, but rarely actually win. When Hermione’s relationship with Remus is established, he will benignly tease the pair and flutter off to torment Severus Snape. The only important deed Sirius will perform is rather imaginatively trying to kill Snape with a werewolf and a violent tree. Tourists should note that the Whomping Willow prank will take place during the tour regardless of the year Hermione has chosen to go back to.

SEVERUS SNAPE: Although his reserved and studious nature is often mistaken for hauteur and general evilness, this poor child is mostly misunderstood. If given even the smallest hint of kindness he will transform into a quick-witted anachronistically decorous young man. At least while you are alone with him. Only the trademark sarcasm will stay intact. Given this character it is almost natural that he should be attracted to the only other girl in school who can match his intellect. Hermione and Severus will bond over trips to the library, elicit potions experiments, and run ins with Sirius. Although he is reputed to despise James, his true hatred is reserved for Sirius. But on tours where Hermione favors Remus’s company he may live up to his later well-earned nicknames of evil git and slimy bastard.

PETER PETTIGREW’s presence is felt so lightly in these regions that tourists will begin to wonder if he exists. Often he actually doesn’t.

Torture: Everyone in HPFH will be doing various forms of this to everyone else. The most blatant type will, obviously, pertain to the admittedly evil side. Thus death eaters will be frolicking at darkrevels, tossing off Crucios at both their helpless victims and each other. Voldemort too often resorts to torture to extract information from heroically silent aurors and good Potterians. Of course good Potterians are never silent, so if you are one, we advise that you prepare your statements of obstinate bravery ahead of time. And if you have signed on as a death eater, try at least to save yourself some pain and be a reasonably competent one. The people Voldemort seems to point his wand at the most are his bungling followers. But tourists would be left feeling uniquely ill-equipped if they only prepare for these so obvious forms. HPFH is capable of much greater subtlety. Your tour guides, for instances, will be torturing Snape with proximity to Sirius Black and guilt, Sirius with nightmares and guilt, and Remus with bone breaking transformations, a sense of inadequacy, and (need we say it again?) guilt. Tourists may encounter, as well, a Harryburdened by his destiny and, yet again, guilt. Even love can be a torment. Tourists and Potterians alike should be ready to spend many a long and torturously agonizing night of loneliness or frustration. And guilt. See trials, justice, any and all relationships, kidnapping, and Unforgivable Curses

Towels are wonderful because they preclude all of those complicated rules about the removal of underwear. They are the recommended dress for tourists planning to be interrupted during a shower or bath. Their OFT’s are: slipping;being held up by one hand; and tossed in the corner. See Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, sex, and bathrooms

Tragedy: Being forced to struggle with misfortune can be considered a mild complement from your tour guides. It strikes any Potterian who they care about at all. A person has to be pretty uninteresting to avoid being beset by tragedy at some point in the tour. And the more miserable your life, the greater the indication of the tour guides’ favor. This is probably because tragedy provides instantaneous depth of character. Killing off Potterians they are less than fond of allows the tour guides to not only maintain a kind view of the deceased by making them into a dead hero but also allows them to ignore an important Potterian without coming up with a preposterous explanation for their absence. Example: Compare, “Where is Ron?” “He is traveling through Bulgaria and didn’t bring a pen to write to us with. The silly fool!” with “Where is Ron?” “Sob Sob Wail Wail. He died TRAGICALLY three years ago heroically fighting the Dark Lord. Whatever shall we do without him?”

Travel is rather problematic to the citizens of HPFH. Although universally considered the most pleasant means of crossing large distances, apparation is impossible in most regions due to age, not being able to apparate to or from Hogwarts grounds, or convoluted international laws. The problems are compounded by the fact that this useful skill is reserved almost exclusively for male Potterians, witches being subject to motion sickness. The only handy alternative, the broomstick, is rendered inadequate by its impracticality in inclement weather, a natural flaw for tours taking place in England and Scotland. Furthermore broomsticks are easily sabotaged, terrifying to acrophobic Potterians, and expensive. Port keys are only used by the wicked; nowhere anyone would want to go is on the floo network; and the only form of mass transportation is a train that has Hogwarts as its sole destination. Perhaps this is why everyone eventually ends up at the school.. We recommend that tourists buy a comfortable pair of walking shoes or borrow a flashy magical car from the Ministry of Magic before beginning their tour. See Hogwarts Express, Hermione Granger, and accents

Treachery by its very nature should be difficult to prepare for. You can expect whenever you are not expecting it. We can offer some small aid in the fact that you will never be betrayed by Hufflepuffs or Gryffindors who are not closely acquainted with you. No one should be shocked when the Death Eater Youth League turns out to produce several death eaters. But you will be stunned when that brilliant Ravenclaw you never really thought about is recruited by the new order of deatheaters. This will be the only form of treachery that will be in any way surprising. Your tour guides will have thoughtfully arranged for Peter Pettigrew do be so cringingly annoying that his eventual defection will surprise no one but the apparently obtuse Marauders. See Voldemort, kidnapping, rape, killing, guilt, and Slytherin

Trials are almost as boring as conferences and they last longer. The best way to relieve the monotony is, of course, to care about the proceedings, so we suggest being on friendly terms with Sirius Black before he is forced to stand trial. This would be a good plan too because it will enable you to join in the only entertainment offered by a trial; namely, the vilification of Peter Pettigrew, whose case will be dealt with concurrent to Sirius’s. Not only is this vengeful fun, but it is virtuous vengeful fun since you will be on the side of truth and justice. But before you get to enjoy yourself, you will have to sit through a series of witnesses who will, in essence, rehash what any tourist who is familiar with canon already knows. You could wile away the hours rubbing Harry’s back, patting Remus’s hand, or gently touching Original Character’s shoulder. Really just be patient and make yourself useful. See Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Original Character, Azkaban, dementors, and worry