The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

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Scars are a sure indication of having lived a difficult and demanding life. They are also a mark of virtue and good character. Styles vary depending on the Potterian, but Good Draco Malfoy, Remus Lupin, and somewhat more rarely Severus Snape will often have several. Snape and Draco’s will bear wordless witness to past abuse. Remus’s are self-inflicted with OFT’s of jagged, ragged, and/or tearing across his body. If you have become romantically involved with any of these men, there will be a significant scar-revealing moment. You will be required to allay their fears and insecurities by stroking or kissing the scars. Exotic Original female Characters will have scars on their appendages in order to show that they are not to be trifled with. Harry Potter and Alastor Moody are the only Potterians allowed to have permanent marks on their faces. Everyone else no doubt makes use of magical cosmetic surgery, which only seems to work on facial wounds. See childhoods, torture, whips, death eaters, suicide, Severus Snape/Original Character, and guilt

Secrets are an integral part of any tour and exist, like evil, actively and passively. Consequently, Original Characters with secret identities, secret pasts, or secret gifts will be flitting through secret rooms, reading secret books, or searching for secret artifacts. And so can, of course, the less furtive canon Potterians, who will also be nursing their secret loves, secret torments, secret guilt, or secret good/evil plots. See childhoods and Relatives, Long Lost

Seers have a wearisome and morally questionable gift. They constantly agonize over the rather unspecific and alarming visions that come upon them inopportunely. Skilled seers will be neurotic Original female Characters or suddenly burdened canon Potterians who your tour guides decided weren’t special enough on their own. You must forgive them their general and annoyingly erratic behavior, as the horrors they have been unwillingly forced to witness have affected their nerves. But you may feel justified for some small irritation, as the severity of a seer’s predictions is inversely proportional to their likelihood of ever happening. Dire divinations of death, doom, destruction, and despair will be averted at the last possible moment. See Female Characters Lack thereof, Lily Evans, and prophesy

Severus Snape, unlike other Potterians, tends to fall less into a series of categories, than onto a range or scale of what aspects of his personality the tour guides like best. His unique canon position of being so clearly drawn yet being left so incredibly mysterious, rouses him to unprecedented heights of pathos or depravity. Tourists can place any Snape they meet up to this chart to gage his behavior and motivations. Though some tour guides choose to focus on several of these character traits.

ALTRUISTIC (SAINT SEVERUS) presents something of a dilemma for tourists, who, after searching for him in canon, possibly will begin to suspect that he is in fact Professor Snape’s virtuous, sympathetic, and tormented twin. His past behavior, far from being the acts of a petty tyrant, are all part of a convoluted and misunderstood plot to make the world a better place. When the tour guides make him a spy, they are only doing it to torment him with Crucio, since everyone knows that martyred saints are the best kind. He doesn’t get to kill or torture anyone. Yet, Saint Severus will have a burden of guilt. Tourists may be left wondering what exactly it was that he did in his death eater days if it wasn’t murdering people. Voldemort, with his near endless supply of muggles, mudbloods, and incompetent death eaters, certainly didn’t need more candidates for torture. Frustratingly, your tour guides remain vague on the subject. See poison, potions, orgies, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, and Order of the Phoenix

MISUNDERSTOOD (A FEW ROUGH EDGES) has been allowed to have a few flaws but none so dramatic as to set him apart from the rest of humanity. Here you tour guides have decided to focus on his bravery as opposed to bad temper. Harry Potter’s experiences and his preference for idiotic Slytherins are an act to convince Voldemort of his loyalty. He is really kind at heart. Tourists are given to understand that he is actually an irascible yet noble spy dedicated to the Order of the Phoenix and not so bad once you get to know him. During his time pretending to be a death eater, his will not intervene while others are being tortured and will brew potions for Voldemort. He doesn’t do anything directly wicked, but it will still make him feel bad. See guilt and Severus Snape/Original Character

TROUBLED YOUTH (DEPRAVED ON ACCOUNT OF BEING DEPRIVED): This Snape’s lack of love and friendship in his school days drove him into the ranks of the death eaters. They made him feel special because they valued and flattered his unquestioned skill in potions brewing. Or maybe Lily Evans rejected him. Or an evil and abusive father, like in the case of Good Draco Malfoy, gave him the necessary impetus. Or it was something else equally pathetic. Whatever means got him there, his academic heart doesn’t really take to the orgies, torturing, and mindless slaughter, he will be left feeling empty and guilty after a few years. Tourists may be inclined to despair when he still refrains from doing anything about his situation, but never fear. All it will take is a particularly horrific Dark Revel to give him the inspiration he needs to appear at Dumbledore’s door weeping and possibly inebriated. Since he is now a spy, tourists are required to forgive him his bad temper. He has way too much occupying his mind at the moment to worry about being courteous or fair to his students. Take comfort in the knowledge that, like when the tour guides are focusing on his misunderstoodness, a lot of his conduct is a ploy to trick Voldemort. He doesn’t dislike you nearly as much as he appears to. See secrets, Severus Snape/Original Character, and Order of the Phoenix

MORAL RELATIVIST (HUZZAH GREATER GOOD!): This Snape occurs when the tour guides want to explore the ethical ramifications of a task that hinges on convincing the wicked that you too are morally bankrupt. Snape himself will be suffering from what amounts to an identity crisis. This shouldn’t be surprising when tourists ponder the mind-bending fact that he trying to achieve redemption by raping, torturing, and murdering other Potterians. If you book a tour with a Snape who has being doing this for a while, he will dwell with gloomy resignation on the sorry state of his soul. He will not know where his true self begins and the false character ends. As this Snape tends to have an understandably sour temper, you will not either. But show a little sympathy, Severus has privately decided to damn his own soul for the sake of the destruction of Voldemort and the Triumph of the Good. Since he is essentially profiting from Snape’s spiritual condemnation, Dumbledore will be something of an ambiguous figure here. At least he won’t be happy about it. Tourists hoping for a moral revelation will be disappointed. This tour mainly concentrates on tormenting Snape physically and emotionally. All is not completely bleak though. Following Voldemort’s defeat, Snape is allowed to be healed by love. See death eaters, Order of the Phoenix, Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/Original Character, guilt, suicide, killing, and death, and spying

EVIL INCARNATE (SATANIC SNAPE) has all of Snape’s flaws mixed together to produce a quality of evil unparalleled by anyone save the worst of Lucius Malfoys. He is also dangerous because he is crafty enough to dupe Albus Dumbledore. You, being even less wise than the Headmaster, won’t know he is more than shallowly nasty until you are stretched out across a torture table or tied to a chair. Though now you will have every excuse to dislike him. Fortunately for tourists and Potterians alike, this Snape is fairly rare. See sex, torture, Severus Snape/Original Female Character, and death eaters

Severus Snape/Hermione Granger: This region, a possible outgrowth of Female Characters, Lack thereof, is one of the more controversial tours available in HPFH. Delving into or completely disregarding such delicate questions as the morality of a relationship between a student and a teacher, it can certainly be unsettling for tourists with a rigid sense of decorum. However, a skilled tour guide makes up for even the most outlandish of tours. Choose yours wisely.

SPECIAL POTIONS RESEARCH can involve Emotionally Constipated Head Girl or Researcher Hermione. Regardless of the type, in this region, either they need to make a potions breakthrough that would revolutionize the fight against Voldemort or, if he has already been dealt with, they will need to make a potions breakthrough to heal the shattered victims of his perfidy (see Catatonic States). Though sometimes the tour guides allow for a little irony by having them search for the cure for lycanthropy. Tours involving that Voldemort-defeating-potion will require Professor Snape to be, at first, hesitant to work with Hermione. This caution does not arise from any doubts in her skill, for you will be treated to an internal Snape monologue lamenting her failure to be pure-blooded and sneaky enough to bring honor to Slytherin House. He is only concerned for her safety and good name. And he will be over-ruled anyway, so his initial arguments will only provide tourists with some back history. In the end he will be reluctantly delighted with their association. Indeed, the time spent together will allow Hermione’s intellect to ascend to even loftier heights of Snape’s good opinion than it previously enjoyed. And he will stop being a greasy, pettily cruel, and unfair professor; transmogrifying into an attractive, sarcastic, and misunderstood secret-agent-man instead. Following Hermione’s discovery of his role in the battle against Voldemort, Snape will endeavor to overturn her laudatory assessment of his moral state and worth as a human being. Luckily for love, this will be to no avail and she will be the woman to bring joy back into his life. But only after they finished with that whatever-it-was potion they were working on. See guilt, weeping, special projects, beds, dungeons, and sex.

SNAPE AS SEX TEACHER is a highly specialized subregion of Junior and Senior Spy that nevertheless hosts enough tours to require a mention. Here Severus Snape has taken the equivalent of a post-graduate course in lovemaking. His extensive skills in this area are an indispensable aid to his spying and interrogating activities. Hermione, by one method or another, has managed to convince him to train her in the ways of sex magic. The emotionally detached instruction that follows falls under the categories of Meaningless/Safe or Meaningless/Dangerous sex depending on the style of Snape. But it will be worth the effort, since alumnae of the Snape School of Sexual Skills will graduate able to reduce their victims/lovers to quivering jelly by a well-placed brush of the hand. We don’t know why Hermione is the only Potterian to avail herself of such a valuable learning experience. Surely it would tempt at least Pansy Parkinson!

WELCOME PROFESSOR GRANGER is a region recommended for tourists sensitive to the natural issues of maturity that arise from a relationship with so dramatic a disparity in ages. This tour holds a guarantee to the tourist that Hermione will have had some time to grow up before she embarks on her relationship with a man old enough to be her father. In this region, Voldemort is long gone and Ron and Harry have moved on with their lives, marrying Lavender and Ginny or, at least, becoming gainfully employed bachelors. Although some tour guides will kill one or both of them in order to brush aside rivals to Hermione’s hand. Whatever her friends’ state of health and happiness, Hermione returns to Hogwarts to become the Charms or Transfiguration professor. She hopes that teaching children how to transfigure pincushions will give her the sense of completeness and satisfaction that research never did. Ominously for these expectations, Snape has gotten somewhat bored in the intervening years since Voldemort’s defeat, but your tour guides will call it depression. Apparently the life of a HogwartsPotions Master is something of a let down after years of brushes with death. Both of them have been looking for the cure for discontent in the wrong places though. Hermione and Severus need what so many Potterians need: Romance. The obstacles of Snape’s past spite and Hermione’s youth will be overcome by their present regard and mutual respect. They will settle down and have a daughter whose name begins with S. See pregnancy and tragedy

THE CONTINUING SAGA is similar to WPG in that it will have an older Hermione. Her motives for returning to Hogwarts can be any of those in the aforementioned entries, but she will look on the return with trepidation because she and Severus have a history. This can range from vague undefined emotions left over from a special project to having slept together once under odd circumstances a few days before graduation. Over the course of the tour they will develop that vital potion or maybe just get to know each other better. This region is extremely focused. Unless Harry and Ron are alive and thus able to visit, nobody but the main Potterians will be able to actively participate in the tour. Though Dumbledore will of course be allowed to twinkle his eyes at Snape. Tourists should really just plan to show up for the wedding that always happens at the end. See babies, secrets, dungeons, and beds

MARAUDERS ERA: See time-turners

Severus Snape/Original Character includes Snapes of every age, rank, and creed. They are especially attractive to tourists hoping to delve into the darkest corners of the human soul while they watch other people stumble into the various snares and pitfalls of dangerous love. Like so much in HPFH, the varieties of relationship generally fall into one or two of three categories. Note: Severus Snape’s lovers are always tiny women. See guilt, sex, smells, hair, and dungeons

I BECAME A DEATH EATER AND SHE BECAME AN AUROR is a relationship spanning decades and calls for heroic patience on the part of the Auror. Their volatile friendship began at Hogwarts, where A-something (because her name must begin with an A) was Severus’s mischievous, vivacious, and much younger companion who could, occasionally, coax him out of his melancholic temper. Or, at the very least, was tolerant enough to endure it. This agreeable state of affairs is effectively ruined by Snape’s decision to immerse himself in the Dark Arts and eventually become a death eater. A-something disapproved of his decision in the strongest of terms and they separated with their relationship nominally ended but completely unresolved. All of this history will be conveyed to tourists though a series of flashbacks, following an abrupt renewal of acquaintance when A-something begins working at Hogwarts as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. To the alarm and consternation of both Potterians but to the surprise of no well-traveled tourist, Snape and A-something have not managed to put their previous affection for the other behind them. Snape will react to his unwelcome tender feelings by being unconscionably rude. This naturally doesn’t put his future love in a confiding mood and quarrels will follow. Tourists are allowed to commiserate with her afterwards and, because, unlike aWwaDP, A-something has a sense of humor, you will also be permitted to make light jokes at the Potions Master’s expense. A-something’s natural buoyancy will stand her in good stead when she finally goads Severus into a confession of his past sins and present despair. Though she will be horrified but what he has endured, she will also amaze him by her steadfast and foolish fondness for him. See Female Characters Lack thereof, and Marauders

SEVERUS MEETS PERKY: Diametrically opposite to aWwaDP, this tour matches everyone’s favorite taciturn Potions Master with a woman so ebullient that tourists may fear that the two will combust when they come in contact. Perky is short and unconventional. She wears robes of eye-jarring shades of pink, yellow, blue, green, or all of them together. Her hair is a nest of curls and her face jovial. She wants to share her general state of happiness with the world and, since Perky is woman who likes a challenge, her most concerted efforts will be directed at the one man in Hogwarts who could be described as unhappiness personified. Severus, in his turn, will be disconcerted by her attempts to break through his uncommunicative façade, but also unwillingly charmed by her high-spirited tomfoolery. She brings a breath of fresh air into his dismal life. We don’t really know what Perky gets from the exchange. Your tour guides have evidently decided that her affectionate heart is the only one large enough to withstand a permanent relationship with Snape. Life with Perky will make Severus more patient, but little else about either party will change. Tourists can be forgiven if they feel that the relationship still retains an explosive quality. See Female Characters Lack thereof

Sex is one of the highlights of many tours through HPFH. In certain regions, it is even a requirement. The style that you will be called on to perform, however, varies by relationship type so we have provided a range-breakdown:

Meaningful/Safe: This takes place during a relationship of long duration, which has some hope of continuing. While pleasure and happiness will be experienced by both parties, the actually style will be conventional and mercifully unshadowed by larger concerns. Thus tours that involve the loss of virginity after long deliberation or tours that end in marriage are likely to have this type of sex. The actual act will take place in a fairly typical location, like a bed or maybe the Shrieking Shack. There will be no tears, guilt, or recriminations to follow. You will be allowed to toss the clothing aside, but not to damage it in any way. And inexperienced male tourists should note that it is the only kind of intercourse that allows for virginity on the part of the fellow. See Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, privacy, kissing, pregnancy, and babies

Meaningful/Dangerous has OFT’s of chancy, hasty, unexpected, or impetuous. Thus, when Good or Pretending to be Evil Draco Malfoy defies his father and loves a mudblood/member of an undesirable family or Severus Snape forgets his position as a teacher, danger must now enter the equation. This variety can be painstakingly well planned or the work of a hurried kiss. Since there will be hints of anguished desperation on the side of both parties, clothes can be torn and buttons popped, but male boxers and female underwear must be eased off. Because the relationship is also prone to suffer from disapproval that can become dangerous, the sex will take place in broom closets, secret rooms, the potions classroom, mysterious moving corridors, and Severus Snape’s bed. And both participants will be thrown in a quandary afterward when they need to return to their common room/classroom and act as if nothing has occurred. See Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, Lucius Malfoy, dungeons, bathrooms, childhoods, arithmancy, projects special, and kissing

Meaningless/Safe will rarely be described on tours of any significant length, but we can infer that it must have taken place previously, since the school age and mature male Potterians must have gotten their extensive experience somehow and since the mature female Original Characters had to have lost their virginity with someone. On very rare occasions, Hermione Granger is allowed to have this form of sex with Viktor Krum. But she will find the later different varieties infinitely more satisfying. Certain short tours will also deal with this kind of intercourse but these tours are by their very nature … lacking in rules or regulations. See Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Severus Snape

Meaningless/Dangerous: This class of sex is definitely not for the frail or timid tourist. The participants will be Evil or Sort of Good (but definitely tending towards evil) Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger or Severus Snape and an aggressive Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher or maybe a new potions assistant. Here, Hermione is dabbling in vice while Snape and his counterpart will be satisfying their physical needs and also possibly indulging in a sadistic desire to torment or mock each other. Although Severus Snape may change his style from this to one of the Meaningful forms, the tour will not be long enough for you to witness any such similar transformation on the part of Hermione and Draco. Tourists about to perform Meaningless/Dangerous sex are advised to wear their least favorite clothes, because nothing will be left intact afterward. See whips, dungeons, bathrooms, privacy, and secret

A few points to ponder:

-Temperature need never be taken into account unless you are in a snowy field. Even the Astronomy Tower in the middle of a Scottish winter will be mercifully chill-free once you have managed to focus on other things. See frostbite

-Men may use prophylactic spells ( ::Swish Flick:: Condomoni!) but women have to depend on unreliablepotions. This may seem unfair, but consider it just another mysterious rule, beyond on our ken, and handed down by the tour guides. See birth control, pregnancy, and all Weasleys

-Never mention wands while in the act or immediately afterwards unless you want to provoke rather juvenile laughter or atrocious double entendres.

Shrieking Shack: This unassuming wreck of a house is much more important than its rather depressing façade would suggest. The dust in the air not only brings out the emotional heart-burnings, but, apparently, induces euphoric or agonized internal monologues. Tours that revolve around Remus and Sirius’s precipitous renewal of acquaintance will be overflowing with the latter variety. Amorous couples will naturally be producing the former. If you have booked a tour that requires Potterians, who are desperate for privacy and unwilling to resort to a cupboard or deserted classroom, to find a place to lose their virginity, direct them to the Shrieking Shack as it is warm and, unlike Hagrid’s house, reliably unoccupied. See Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, sex, kissing, and pregnancy

Singing is either heartbreakingly beautiful or adorably off-key. Don’t be too apprehensive on account of your vocal skills. In HPFH, your audience will always be extremely biased in your favor. When singing to an infant, you croon. See all relationships, bathroom, sex, babies, House Elves, and love

Sirius Black is something of a golden dilemma for many tour guides and may be cause for confusion on the part of tourists. Just enough is known about him and just enough is left unexplained to produce a Potterian whose persona morphs into the shape of whatever violently intriguing role your tour guides wish to have filled:

FORGIVE MY TEMPER, I AM CLINGING TO SANITY BY MY FINGERNAILS Sirius has been emotionally maimed by his time in Azkaban. He will be crippled by guilt, hampered by flashbacks, and given to outrageous displays of wrath. Only his abiding respect for Dumbledore restrains his deep ceded desire to throttle Severus Snape. His loyalty to Harry Potter, his friendship/love for Remus Lupin, and his desire to killPeter Pettigrew are what stands between him and madness. Tourists who have to frequent his company are directed to quit the room as soon as his eyes darken and his face closes up. At this point, dealing with him should be left to professionals like Remus the Confessor or Dumbledore. Your tour guides have declared him dangerous at these junctures. But despite these many burdens, he is still a powerful wizard and devoted ally. Sirius’s of this kind are invaluable when violence is required. See dementors, justice, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, animagus/i Order of the Phoenix, Lily Potter, James Potter, and worry

I MAY BE/HAVE BEEN LOYAL, BUT I AM STILL A PETTY BULLY: This guy is an annoyingly cocky Gryffindor who spends his days tormenting those who are not. His motives for sending Snape to certain death at Lupin’s paws were pure and small-minded spite. After his stint in Azkaban, he will come back relatively unchanged except the surrounding Potterians restrain him from anything save snotty comments gratuitously directed towards Severus Snape when it is most inappropriate. You will find him immature, somewhat threatening, and unpleasant and also feel that his constant references to Snape’sdeath eater days are rather uncalled for. But since he is still possessed of the virtue of fidelity, you will have to deal with him during the battle with Voldemort. Until then, tourists should grit their teeth and lend all possible support to Remus Lupin’s efforts to keep the peace. See Dumbledore, Order of the Phoenix, danger, Marauders, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, and yelling

I AM SO FUN-LOVING THAT I AM A DANGER TO MYSELF AND OTHERS is so rambunctious that tourists may feel he needs to be restrained by something other than the gentle bonds of friendship and good taste. While this Sirius’s pranks are imaginative and entertaining they are also bothersome and scheduled to happen at the most inopportune moments. His animated cleverness was the source of most of the Marauders era nicknames and his time as a student was spent jiggling around various sites in Hogwartscharming teachers and embitteringSnape with his wit and enthusiasm. The Potterians around him will be remarkably tolerant of his excesses, but you may be tempted to give him a swift kick in the posterior. More staid tourists may be disappointed that the adult variety of this Sirius will be unchanged by greater years and, after a short time of depression following Azkaban, will be back to his old tricks. His presence provides Harry with an exciting but somewhat fraternal godfather. Poor Remus will have to take over the paternal role. And it might not all be fun and games because, in more tragic regions, the youthful IasFLtIaaDtMaO Sirius turns into the post-Azkaban FMTIaCtSbMF Sirius and everyone looks back with sorrow on the happy boy he once was. See tragedy, justice, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, and animagus

SNAPE AS SEX TEACHER is a highly specialized subregion of Junior and Senior Spy that nevertheless hosts enough tours to require a mention. Here Severus Snape has taken the equivalent of a post-graduate course in lovemaking. His extensive skills in this area are an indispensable aid to his spying and interrogating activities. Hermione, by one method or another, has managed to convince him to train her in the ways of sex magic. The emotionally detached instruction that follows falls under the categories of Meaningless/Safe or Meaningless/Dangerous sex depending on the style of Snape. But it will be worth the effort, since alumnae of the Snape School of Sexual Skills will graduate able to reduce their victims/lovers to quivering jelly by a well-placed brush of the hand. We don’t know why Hermione is the only Potterian to avail herself of such a valuable learning experience. Surely it would tempt at least Pansy Parkinson!

WELCOME PROFESSOR GRANGER is a region recommended for tourists sensitive to the natural issues of maturity that arise from a relationship with so dramatic a disparity in ages. This tour holds a guarantee to the tourist that Hermione will have had some time to grow up before she embarks on her relationship with a man old enough to be her father. In this region, Voldemort is long gone and Ron and Harry have moved on with their lives, marrying Lavender and Ginny or, at least, becoming gainfully employed bachelors. Although some tour guides will kill one or both of them in order to brush aside rivals to Hermione’s hand. Whatever her friends’ state of health and happiness, Hermione returns to Hogwarts to become the Charms or Transfiguration professor. She hopes that teaching children how to transfigure pincushions will give her the sense of completeness and satisfaction that research never did. Ominously for these expectations, Snape has gotten somewhat bored in the intervening years since Voldemort’s defeat, but your tour guides will call it depression. Apparently the life of a HogwartsPotions Master is something of a let down after years of brushes with death. Both of them have been looking for the cure for discontent in the wrong places though. Hermione and Severus need what so many Potterians need: Romance. The obstacles of Snape’s past spite and Hermione’s youth will be overcome by their present regard and mutual respect. They will settle down and have a daughter whose name begins with S. See pregnancy and tragedy

THE CONTINUING SAGA is similar to WPG in that it will have an older Hermione. Her motives for returning to Hogwarts can be any of those in the aforementioned entries, but she will look on the return with trepidation because she and Severus have a history. This can range from vague undefined emotions left over from a special project to having slept together once under odd circumstances a few days before graduation. Over the course of the tour they will develop that vital potion or maybe just get to know each other better. This region is extremely focused. Unless Harry and Ron are alive and thus able to visit, nobody but the main Potterians will be able to actively participate in the tour. Though Dumbledore will of course be allowed to twinkle his eyes at Snape. Tourists should really just plan to show up for the wedding that always happens at the end. See babies, secrets, dungeons, and beds

MARAUDERS ERA: See time-turners

Severus Snape/Original Character includes Snapes of every age, rank, and creed. They are especially attractive to tourists hoping to delve into the darkest corners of the human soul while they watch other people stumble into the various snares and pitfalls of dangerous love. Like so much in HPFH, the varieties of relationship generally fall into one or two of three categories. Note: Severus Snape’s lovers are always tiny women. See guilt, sex, smells, hair, and dungeons

A few Sirius Pointers:

-Because of his motorcycle, Sirius Black is the Potterian who, along with Draco Malfoy, is required to wear leather

-Sirius Black was born poor

-Sirius Black is/was related to a seer

-Sirius Black always marries/lovestranslucent blonds. We think that the tour guides like the contrast. See Narcissa Malfoy and Sirius Black/Original Character

Sirius Black/Original Character: This region is both hampered and enriched by the past of the canon Potterian involved. Though it is interesting to explore Sirius’s attempts to pull his life into a semblance of normalcy, he cannot really begin to do so while he is running around the countryside as Padfoot, protecting Harry, and searching for Peter Pettigrew to wreak horrible vengeance on. Consequently the tour will have to work through and around these problems.

SIRIA LACKBAY is a tour confined to the period of time in which the Marauders’ only troubles were their love lives, Remus Lupin’s condition, and infuriating Severus Snape. She will be a member of the Marauders Female Auxiliary and will also, for some strange reason known only to your tour guides, be in Ravenclaw. This means she is clear-minded and levelheaded but with enough humor to enjoy the occasional prank. Fun loving Sirius’s boyish shenanigans will be an amusing contrast to her quiet good sense. But her modest exterior means that the rather bombastic Sirius will take awhile to realize that his feelings for her are more than friendly. This will generally happen just in time for him to be sent to Azkaban. Which, naturally, leads into the next section. See treachery, kissing, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter, and Lily Evans

SHE HAS PENELOPEAN PATIENCE has managed to metaphorically stand by her man for the better part of twelve to thirteen years. On occasion she has voluntarily forsaken the wizarding community or been forced into exile by the suspicious and unjust Ministry of Magic. Tourists should note, however, that her unattached state is sometimes due to a broken heart and feelings of betrayal. In this case they should do their level best to convince her of Sirius’s innocence. Whatever her reasons for availability, her reappearance in his life will not only be relieving to Clinging to Sanity Sirius’s spiritual comfort but may also offer some practical help as she often holds the key to his exoneration. And it will be a grand thing for Harry as well since she will turn out to have been his godmother. See Peter Pettigrew, justice, and yelling

SIRIUS WHO? This is the tour for those women who are either too young to have been intimately acquainted with the convict or were immured in the muggle world and thus are completely unaware of his existence. The latter variety is the most convenient for Sirius as there will be no need for him to offer assurances regarding his lack of sinister intentions, but even the former will not be too difficult to win over after the obligatory desperate call to Dumbledore for an explanation. The romance itself will proceed at a healthy pace, aided by the fact that Sirius didn’t leave his charm or good looks behind in Azkaban. But, though a joy, it will make demands on her fortitude. Here the patience required on the part of the female Potterian, a necessary part of any Sirius romantic tour, will arise from his need to clear his name. And we are sorry to say that your tour guides have declared that this takes a very long time. See justice, kissing, and Order of the Phoenix

Slash (with special thanks to Arianhrod without whom this would never have existed. Rugi and Gwena are not slashers. What we have here are the fruits of three days of marathon fic-reading. If we have left anything out or neglected some side of a relationship, please tell us nicely and we will try to fix it.): We have tried to include a comprehensive chart of all of the slash relationships. We hope this explains why Rugi and Gwena have not been complete in the coverage of every male relationship. We have chosen a selection of pairs that we felt were the most common regions.

Slash

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

Severus Snape

Remus Lupin

Sirius Black

Justin Finch-Fletchley

Dean Thomas

Percy Weasley

Semus Finnegan

Oliver Wood

Fred/George Weasley

Lucius Malfoy

Draco Malfoy

Marcus Flint

Harry Potter

X

X

X

Ron Weasley

X

Severus Snape

X

X

X

X

Remus Lupin

X

X

Sirius Black

X

X

Justin Finch-Fletchley

Dean Thomas

Percy Weasley

X

Semus Finnegan

Oliver Wood

X

Fred/George Weasley

Draco Malfoy

X

X

Lucius Malfoy

Marcus Flint

HARRY POTTER/DRACO MALFOY, when involving a Good or Pretending to be Evil Draco, will be a gentle and loving relationship whose difficulties largely stem from outside concerns. Draco will be desperately struggling to satisfy his father’s unreasonable academic demands. How Lucius Malfoy gets his comprehensive knowledge of Hermione Granger’s grades is a mystery left to tantalize curious tourists. Harry will be horrified when he discovers how much Malfoy has suffered. He will be trying to help Draco overcome his rape trauma from years of abuse at the hands of his father. If the relationship is to be especially tragic, the two will share a night of passion, following which Draco will refuse to continue out of fear of his father’s reaction. Tourists can see that the real way to help Draco and Harry out here would be to murder Mr. Malfoy. But you will have to make a prior arrangement with your tour guide if this is what you plan. Tours of regions featuring Evil Draco or Sort of Good Draco are slightly more internally stressful. Here a suicidal or maybe just depressed Harry will fall before the wiles of a lust-drivenDraco. The actual consummation of the relationship will take place in an empty classroom, corridor, or bathroom following an argument in which they fall on top of each other. Draco will depart satisfied, leaving behind a Harry nursing a broken heart. But if Draco still hankers after the emerald-eyed boy, the experience will leave them both breathlessly furious, despising the feelings they cannot repress. See sex, rape, towels, childhoods, weeping, and death eaters

HARRY POTTER/SEVERUS SNAPE may have an uncomfortably paternal layer for some tourists but is nevertheless an interesting tour. Here, Snape’s dislike for Harry is a cunning mask for his constant devotion. Harry’s warm feelings, because he has since outgrown his childish aversion for the dour Potions Master, are also being desperately hidden behind a screen of antipathy. They will come together during a revelatory detention or when Snape is called upon to protect the youthful Gryffindor from the wicked Voldemort’s plots. Although their relationship will be frowned upon by those not fully cognizant of the depth pf their love, they will be happy and contented lovers. Snape will gain the absolution he needs in the arms of his lover. And Harry will welcome the true and trustworthy constant in his life. Warning: Sometimes they will be happy contented lovers involved in a relationship that would be somewhat frightening to the tourists not possessed of strong sensibilities. See sex, weddings, whips, and death eaters

REMUS LUPIN/SEVERUS SNAPE: In the days of their youth, these two men fell in love. They shared a secret relationship, although the degree of intimacy this relationship attains tends to vary. Tensions of a Sirius nature plagued their association leading to much worry and vague feelings of guilt. This Sirius curse will reach its full fruition when, inspired by jealousy or just general animosity, Sirius sends Severus off to the Whomping Willow and possible destruction. What follows will be a confrontation between Remus and Severus, which will end their relationship for the immediate future. Remus will go off quietly heartbroken but also filled with unwilling understanding. Severus will descend into bitter cynicism, believing he was the butt of a Great Joke. And Remus never loved him anyway. Now tourists must enter an HPFH time warp as they move forward fifteen to twenty years. Remus now returns to Hogwarts as a teacher or in order to perform some never fully described task for the Order of the Phoenix. After many rude comments, recriminations, and revelations, naturally aided by the gentle maneuverings of Dumbledore, the two men will find their feelings unchanged and settle down to make up for lost time. Sirius and Voldemort may make guest appearances to provide tourists with a few interesting hiccups in paradise. Never fear though, their interference will be mercifully brief. See death eaters, sex, tragedy, and kindness

SIRIUS BLACK/SEVERUS SNAPE is a relationship both encouraged and cursed by the intense personalities of the two Potterians involved. The tour guides have, in this region, decided to interpret the powerful antipathy, so evident during the Shrieking Shack incident, as a sign of past wounds and inner turmoil. In their youth, the two boys managed to lust after each other to little initial effect. Snape, admiring Sirius’sdazzling good looks, will fear to speak lest he be violently rebuffed. And all the while he will be jealously wondering just how close Black is to James. Sirius, in his turn, after meditating upon the fascinating contrast of Severus’s translucently white skin with his raven hair, will make the first move. This will involve a violent kiss possibly after he has accidentally tackled the other smallerboy in a corridor. The relationship that follows will either be a true and painful love or an attempt to exorcise an unwilling lust from their bodies. The incident wherein Snape is almost Remus’s late night snack and/or Sirius’s being carted off to Azkaban will put a period to the romance for some years. When they meet again, either they will consistently despise each other and be filled with some more of that unwilling lust or they will purge themselves of their personal demons by physical exertion and mutual tenderness. See sex, love, death eaters, guilt, and tragedy

PERCY WEASLEY/OLIVER WOOD is based upon the idea that, since we don’t really know anyone else in both Percy’s House and year, he must have been in love with Oliver Wood. Neither Percy nor Oliver is ever willing to admit his feelings for the other until seventh year; sometimes they even wait until graduation night. But they have been gazing yearningly upon the object of their devotion for some time. Percy is crippled by self-doubt and socially insecure. Oliver wants more out of life than Quidditch or just wants Percy but fears he won’t get him. They will delightedly discover their feelings are returned after Oliver precipitously kissesPercyon the lips that have been tantalizing him these seven years. What follows afterward depends upon the exactitude with which your tour guide wishes to delve into the personal lives of Potterians. See sex, weddings, and common rooms

RON WEASLEY/HARRY POTTER allows the two boys’ already deep friendship to blossom into something more. This deepening of ties will be urged on by Harry’s depression and/or Ron’s insecurity. Both will agonize over the unspeakable torment that it is to be in love with your best friend. They will discover their feelings with relief during a time of mutual comforting or through a kissing lesson. Hermione, now free to pursue Snape or Draco, will be wonderfully supportive, as will Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, and the perennially gay Justin Finch-Fletchley. See Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, love, Quidditch, the Shrieking Shack, virginity, and worry.

SNAPE AS SEX TEACHER is a highly specialized subregion of Junior and Senior Spy that nevertheless hosts enough tours to require a mention. Here Severus Snape has taken the equivalent of a post-graduate course in lovemaking. His extensive skills in this area are an indispensable aid to his spying and interrogating activities. Hermione, by one method or another, has managed to convince him to train her in the ways of sex magic. The emotionally detached instruction that follows falls under the categories of Meaningless/Safe or Meaningless/Dangerous sex depending on the style of Snape. But it will be worth the effort, since alumnae of the Snape School of Sexual Skills will graduate able to reduce their victims/lovers to quivering jelly by a well-placed brush of the hand. We don’t know why Hermione is the only Potterian to avail herself of such a valuable learning experience. Surely it would tempt at least Pansy Parkinson!

WELCOME PROFESSOR GRANGER is a region recommended for tourists sensitive to the natural issues of maturity that arise from a relationship with so dramatic a disparity in ages. This tour holds a guarantee to the tourist that Hermione will have had some time to grow up before she embarks on her relationship with a man old enough to be her father. In this region, Voldemort is long gone and Ron and Harry have moved on with their lives, marrying Lavender and Ginny or, at least, becoming gainfully employed bachelors. Although some tour guides will kill one or both of them in order to brush aside rivals to Hermione’s hand. Whatever her friends’ state of health and happiness, Hermione returns to Hogwarts to become the Charms or Transfiguration professor. She hopes that teaching children how to transfigure pincushions will give her the sense of completeness and satisfaction that research never did. Ominously for these expectations, Snape has gotten somewhat bored in the intervening years since Voldemort’s defeat, but your tour guides will call it depression. Apparently the life of a HogwartsPotions Master is something of a let down after years of brushes with death. Both of them have been looking for the cure for discontent in the wrong places though. Hermione and Severus need what so many Potterians need: Romance. The obstacles of Snape’s past spite and Hermione’s youth will be overcome by their present regard and mutual respect. They will settle down and have a daughter whose name begins with S. See pregnancy and tragedy

THE CONTINUING SAGA is similar to WPG in that it will have an older Hermione. Her motives for returning to Hogwarts can be any of those in the aforementioned entries, but she will look on the return with trepidation because she and Severus have a history. This can range from vague undefined emotions left over from a special project to having slept together once under odd circumstances a few days before graduation. Over the course of the tour they will develop that vital potion or maybe just get to know each other better. This region is extremely focused. Unless Harry and Ron are alive and thus able to visit, nobody but the main Potterians will be able to actively participate in the tour. Though Dumbledore will of course be allowed to twinkle his eyes at Snape. Tourists should really just plan to show up for the wedding that always happens at the end. See babies, secrets, dungeons, and beds

MARAUDERS ERA: See time-turners

Severus Snape/Original Character includes Snapes of every age, rank, and creed. They are especially attractive to tourists hoping to delve into the darkest corners of the human soul while they watch other people stumble into the various snares and pitfalls of dangerous love. Like so much in HPFH, the varieties of relationship generally fall into one or two of three categories. Note: Severus Snape’s lovers are always tiny women. See guilt, sex, smells, hair, and dungeons

A few Sirius Pointers:

-Because of his motorcycle, Sirius Black is the Potterian who, along with Draco Malfoy, is required to wear leather

-Sirius Black was born poor

-Sirius Black is/was related to a seer

-Sirius Black always marries/lovestranslucent blonds. We think that the tour guides like the contrast. See Narcissa Malfoy and Sirius Black/Original Character

Sirius Black/Original Character: This region is both hampered and enriched by the past of the canon Potterian involved. Though it is interesting to explore Sirius’s attempts to pull his life into a semblance of normalcy, he cannot really begin to do so while he is running around the countryside as Padfoot, protecting Harry, and searching for Peter Pettigrew to wreak horrible vengeance on. Consequently the tour will have to work through and around these problems.

SIRIA LACKBAY is a tour confined to the period of time in which the Marauders’ only troubles were their love lives, Remus Lupin’s condition, and infuriating Severus Snape. She will be a member of the Marauders Female Auxiliary and will also, for some strange reason known only to your tour guides, be in Ravenclaw. This means she is clear-minded and levelheaded but with enough humor to enjoy the occasional prank. Fun loving Sirius’s boyish shenanigans will be an amusing contrast to her quiet good sense. But her modest exterior means that the rather bombastic Sirius will take awhile to realize that his feelings for her are more than friendly. This will generally happen just in time for him to be sent to Azkaban. Which, naturally, leads into the next section. See treachery, kissing, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter, and Lily Evans

Sleep, with such ominous OFT’s as fitful, tortured, restless, and talking in it, is not the welcome respite from care that it so often can be in our world. Not only will your slumbers be dogged by nightmarish recapitulations of your past sins and sufferings, but you can expect to be treated to visions of current and future torments being administered to yourself, your loved ones, or people who have no names. Unsurprisingly, this leads to a certain reluctance, pervasive to all of HPFH, to enter the realms of slumber. Some Potterians are truly inhuman in their sleeplessness. Severus Snape, especially, seems to spend his nights roaming the corridorstortured by silent screams reverberating in his guilt-ridden skull. This is convenient for tourists who need to be rescued by would-be rapists, but will make their midnight jaunts to the library just that much more prone to disaster. For tourists who find themselves wandering the halls Snape-style, we recommend a quick dose of sex with somebody nice. This is considered much more psychologically healthy than those highly addictive sleeping potions. But be warned: Even after you manage to shake the chronic insomnia your tour guides inflict upon you, you can still look forward to waking up screaming in your love’s arms with some amount of regularity. But, because they love you and are, in all likelihood, accustomed to a disordered sleeping schedule, they will be capable of comforting you at 3 AM. Try to show equal forbearance if you are the one being woken by ear splitting screams of terror in the small hours of the morning. Another word of warning: Any tourist who is nursing an undisclosed passion is advised to sleep with a pillow shoved in their mouth, as the danger of you confessing it to your crush while asleep is far higher than that of suffocation. See Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Prefects, death eaters, justice, and worry

Slytherin: The Serpent’s Den is best understood as a partially autonomous subunit of HPFH, which follows its own rules and regulations. Here you will find a motley array of Potterians with their own culture. We recommend that a tourist intending to journey into these regions study this society thoroughly since any form of uncertainty or weakness will, at best, forbid them entrance or, at worst, result in something truly unpleasant. In this section we will attempt to illuminate the customs and character of this sub-region, but we warn tourists that this guide can only provide an introduction of the complicated internal politics of this house. We advise anyone braving a tour of the region to hire a native as a guide. See Houses

POLITICAL LIFE: The politics of Slytherin House will be instinctual to even first year Slytherins and rather incomprehensibly mind boggling to every one else regardless of age or intelligence. As the temperaments of the humble authors of this guide are most suited to Ravenclaw, we can give only cursory advice on navigating the political convolutions of the Serpent’s Den. A person’s political rank is defined by their power and the degree to which they wish to bring it to bear. Dominance can be gained by being of noble birth or by being of slightly less noble birth, but still possessing a thorough knowledge of and willingness to use all sorts of nasty spells. Tourists who have neglected to be born into an ancient wizarding family and lack the physical stature to become a thug are advised to opt for the position of valuable (and thus tolerated) genius. The toady/thug’s participation in Slytherin politics is dull, limited to attaching themselves to one of the political leaders of the house and gazing gormlessly around, mouth agape, but managing to physically intimidate the enemies of their patron. The political classifications seem to be highly controlled by genetics. Since political position is so often based on bloodlines, aristocratically slender Slytherins may inherit toadies/thugs. Decisions regarding allegiance to Voldemort, future plans, or romance should be made early on in the life of a Slytherin but should be withheld from all but the most trustworthy of housemates. (See DEATH EATER YOUTH LEAGUE and WOMEN IN SLYTHERIN) Slytherins do not offer confidences. Tourists who seek admittance should stick to the letter of the following guideline: Avoid any and all conduct that could be labeled as of or pertaining to Gryffindor House. These actions appear to be anything that smacks of selflessness, idealism, thoughtlessness or something a Slytherin wished they had thought of but didn’t. See Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, and Blaise Zabini

THE NOBLE SLYTHERIN would be anachronistic anywhere else but in Slytherin. Classically educated, wealthy, aristocratic, and apparently trapped forever in the 18^th century, they still have arranged society marriages, with the OFT of planned by the two families since birth, and are on constant guard against the inbreeding they see evidence of among the other less admirable members of their house. They are also righteously pragmatic. Preferring the devious manipulative world of espionage and counterespionage to the pointless heroics of Aurors and their ilk, they scorn the exploits of glory grabbing Gryffindors. Tourists will initially consider this effete and may express contempt for such cunning and slippery behavior. But Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, or a female Blaise Zabini, will disabuse them of their prejudices by subtle yet incisive comments regarding morality. These remarks will stay with you long after the speaker has left the room; you will feel quite small and petty for your previous disapprobation. Other Potterians may also be converted. Hermione Granger is particularly given to revelations vis-à-vis the reckless small-mindedness of people like Sirius Black, Ron Weasley, or, even sometimes, Harry Potter and the shrewd restraint of such paragons as Severus Snape or Draco Malfoy. See Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, spy, quills, Voldemort, death eaters, and Severus Snape/Hermione Granger

THE DEATH EATER YOUTH LEAGUE is the faction of the political rivals to the Noble Slytherins. The party has clearly gone down in the world since the days of Voldemort’s first rising. For, though the parents of the present members will once in a while show flashes of intelligence, the quality of the current group seems sadly lacking. They are an inbred, perverted, disgusting bunch of little Lucius Malfoys-in-training. Their only skills are rumormongering, torture, sex, rape, and rather infantile malicious mischief. Their general incompetence may cause tourists to pause and reflect on why the Noble Slytherins have not eradicated the DEYL long since. It seems amazing that Voldemort is perfectly willing to dispose of a few of them in a fit of pique, while Severus Snape will agonize for weeks over subtly intervening in one of their more vicious pranks. We can only assume that the sheer numbers of the DEYL preclude any concerted attempts at extermination. A parallel with cockroaches can be drawn here if the tourist is still puzzled. See Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy (evil)

WOMEN IN SLYTHERIN are a group all their own and could bear some serious study.

SPECIALIZED BABY MACHINES are highly ornamental and somewhat pitiable figures in HPFH. Little is required of them except marriage to the man of their father’s choice and one child. We don’t know why patriarchal evilSlytherin husbands are always satisfied with one child to carry on the family name, but it is apparently considered somewhat plebian to have multiple offspring. Although twins are allowed. See pregnancy, Narcissa Malfoy, and Pansy Parkinson

DEATH EATERS: If you haven’t booked for a Dark revel you can safely skip this entry. These women do not exist outside of orgies; they will not be present when Voldemortkidnaps you. But if you are planning on attending any of Lucius Malfoy’s iniquitous extravaganzas you can expect to see several of these ladies engaging in the various disgusting activities that the event has to offer. Male tourists, who don’t what to be propositioned, should refrain from standing still. If you are female and at a Dark Revel, you are either one of these women or a victim so you don’t really need to be told what to do. Our apologies to curious tourists, we don’t know where deatheaterettes disappear to when they aren’t at Malfoy Manor but we assume from the lack of information that it is somewhere boring. We think their main purpose is to make suggestive comments to Severus Snape and touch him lingeringly on the arm. See Narcissa Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, torture, killing, and Unforgivable Curses

SUPER SORCERESSES are probably the most curious of the Slytherin Females. They are sort of uberwitches, with mysterious feminine powers. Many are like Snape and have gotten that advance degree in love making, while others have been born with unusual gifts like wandlessmagic or mind control. But your skills aren’t entirely what make you an SS. You also need to have a certain quality of hard-hearted ruthlessness. This occupation is not for the timid. But most SS’s are Noble Slytherins as well so you would be able to have a clinical morality. See Blaise Zabini, sex, and Hermione Granger

Smells: In HPFH, food and certain people can be expected to reliably have a smell. The odor of food is completely uninteresting to any save those tourists who can be enthralled by the cuisine. But the scent of certain Potterians is vitally important to the adequate appreciation of the tour. Fortunately or unfortunately you will have to get very close or turn into Remus Lupin to take in the full effect. Thus, after you have rubbed your face against Severus Snape’s chest, you will be agreeably surprised by his spicy, piney, or resinous scent. And male tourists should not pass up the chance of burying their face in Hermione Granger’s hair, as they will be assailed with the smell of vanilla, strawberries, apples or violets. Harry Potter, upon returning from Quidditch practice, will smell sweaty, but in a charming way. This is probably one of his more amazing abilities. See Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/Original Character, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, and Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger

Sorting Songs give many of your tour guides ulcers so they will most likely arrange for you to miss the Sorting or be distracted while it is going on. On the rare occasions where you actually allowed/forced to hear the hat sing, pay close attention. Not necessarily for the sake of the musical or poetical flourishes of the hat, but rather because the lyrics will help you to gage with which House your tour guide sympathizes. This is particularly true in Slytherin-friendly regions. See Original Character

Spiders provide an endearing fear for OriginalCharacters who seem a little too perfect or brave. The rest, shall we say, is canon. See Ron Weasley

Spying is the best way to introduce moral ambiguity to a tour. Severus Snape will bear the brunt of your tour guides’ incipient desire to philosophize. While it is no doubt fascinating to consider whether murder in the name of greater good is ethically sound, it is, nevertheless, certainly extremely hard on those who are actively putting the issue to the test. Snape will return from his spying excursion cruciatused, overcome with guilt, and desperately desiring a shower. When he discusses his spying activity either with a love or with himself he will be bitterly disgusted with his naive belief that spying would bring him relief from his sins. If he is expressing these feelings to you, you are required to act shocked but tenderly saddened by the burdens this essentially good man must endure. Snape will be gratified by your unexpected sympathy. However, in tours where Hermione Granger desires to join him in his secret career, he will be contemptuous of her innocence of the danger but will still reluctantly acquiesce to her ambitions and begin training her up to be his partner. This in turn will allow them to be on intimate terms, so Snape will eventually feel adequately compensated. See Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, death eaters, unforgivable curses, Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore, killing, and Voldemort

Suicidal Urges: When you consider the nerve-racking and emotionally crushing nature of many of the regions you will traverse, it should come as no surprise that many Potterians will spend some time contemplating suicide. Don’t be overly alarmed, or rather, do be overly alarmed, since that is the reaction the tour guides wish, but don’t worry yourself into a convulsion. For, while Hermione Granger may be prey to a certain bleakness of mind after she is raped, kidnapped, or stalked, she won’t act upon her depression too spectacularly. And, though Severus Snape’s weighty burden of guilt often results in bad temper, he will most likely consider suicide to be too easy a death for one of his dastardly history. Also, despite the fact that Remus Lupin will also feel that he barely deserves to live, this will not inspire him to help fate in the culmination of this sentiment. Yes, even when Good Draco Malfoy painfully contemplates his undesirable future career as a death eater or his inability to satisfy his abusive father, he will confine himself largely to weeping and carrying on. His agonies rarely result in violence to his person. In point of fact, only dejected Ginny Weasley will reliably act upon her despondency. This does not mean that tourists are allowed to ignore their suffering friends however. It only means that their concern will be absolutely immaterial to these friends’ behavior. See childhoods, Voldemort, and the Astronomy Tower

Suicide: Despite the undeniable lethal potential of nearly every aspect of HPFH, Potterians seem to be woefully conventional in their methods of voluntarily quitting the tour. Even the suicidal Severus Snape is unable to concoct a Just End it All potion. We assume that the untenable state of their existence has eroded their imaginative faculties. Thus tourists hoping for spectacular or magically creative suicides are doomed to disappointment. Tourists should be aware that the only method likely to yield satisfactory results is turning your wand on yourself. The only actual effect of slitting your wrists is for a horrified and unattached member of the opposite sex to find you in a crumpled heap lying in a pool of your own blood. While this is no doubt picturesque and emotionally affecting, it doesn’t really fulfill the ostensible purpose of self-murder, only giving you depth through suffering and despair. Tourists who had this as their main motivation should use the much less physically taxing but equaling dramatic technique of being found at the top of the Astronomy Tower in a storm. As the rain lashes your face, that handy member of the opposite sex will talk you down. See Draco Malfoy, Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger or Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, childhoods, frostbit, and rape

Swearing ranges wildly across regions in HPFH, so tourists with delicate sensibilities should take care. Sort of Good Draco Malfoy is especially prone to bringing out the blasphemous in other people’s speech. Tourists who have booked with him should not be shocked to see even that model of verbal rectitude, Hermione Granger, suddenly make use of profanities that would put a sailor to shame. Evidently her summer beautification has affected her vocabulary as well as her hair. Most other regions are, thankfully, much more restrained. As a general rule you may give into a string of curses only after you have been goaded beyond human endurance by circumstance or, if you are female or Remus Lupin, after you have been heretofore an example of blameless behavior and would provide humor by your lapse. See Ginny Weasley, Molly Weasley, Lily Evans, Lily Potter, Original Character (female), yelling, and danger