The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

R
 
Rape, in the more unsettling regions, will be going on all around you. It abounds in Lucius Malfoy’s Dark Revels and seems to be one of the best ways for your tour guides to establish a Potterian’sevil credentials. Severus Snape will refer to it aggressively when he is trying to prove to his lovingly forgiving female friend how horrible he is. But this type can be considered a sort of background noise or theme music to the main action of the plot. It sets an appropriately horrifying mood for dealing with death eaters and other such villains. Conversely, rape can also become the main focus of your life when Hermione Granger or the Original Female Character is assaulted. Here the issue will be the trauma and the possibility of pregnancy. If the guilty party is Voldemort, Evil Draco Malfoy, or Lucius Malfoy, the best cure for the nightmares and shock is the seduction of Severus Snape, Ron Weasley, or Good Draco Malfoy in order to replace the horror of the memory with something sweet. Female tourists should help arrange this quickly, as all other methods of comfort are doomed to failure. When Sort of Good or Pretending to be Evil Draco Malfoy sort of rapes Hermione Granger, the entire tour will be taken up with their eventual or instantaneous reconciliation. These tours are really designed for only two people, so tourists will merely be expected to annoyingly ask Hermione what is wrong and then be put off by her vague excuses. See corridors, birth control, bathrooms, sex, death, and orgies
 
Ravenclaw is the house for the smart workaholics. They are terminal yet charming overachievers. It is the most inoffensive house. Slytherins admire their knowledge and the power it can bring. Hufflepuffs have a great regard for the effort and dedication they must put into their studies. And Gryffindors ignore them because they are so understated in their actions. Ravenclaw is everyone’s second choice for placement. Palatable to all, because if you can’t be known for anything else, you are, at least, considered smart. But tourists should be aware that they are the second most likely Potterians to turn and make malevolently intelligent death eaters. See Voldemort and Houses
 
Regions are the particular HPFH-universe you have booked with a specific tour guide to traverse.
 
Relatives, Long Lost (Dedicated to Moria who pointed out an oversight): Potterians seem to have very few relatives on the whole and a distressingly large number of them appear to have been misplaced. They will be reintroduced to the bosom of the family or, maybe, to their last remaining blood-kin, by showing up precipitously at Hogwarts or returning after many years of bitter exile. Poor Harry has a plethora of baby sisters who have names like Rose, Violet, Daisy, or Starshine Moonlight. They are often the annoyingly perfect vessels of prophecy. Harry’s only duty will be to act shocked when his sibling is revealed. Sirius Black has the dubious honor of being an LLR. He will have a steadfastly loyal sister and/or a bitter brother who has reluctantly acceded to the beliefs of society and condemned his brother in his heart. The sister, named with celestial connotations, will set the brother straight with a few harsh but true words. Dumbledore’s relatives are lost to everyone but himself. He, because he knows everything, will always be aware of them. They will be conveniently nubile and female. Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, and, less often, Sirius Black may have the disquieting experience of meeting a diminutive walking and talking sign of their fertility in the form of a new student or the child of a new teacher. But do not be overly concerned for the new father. He will find himself equal to this new and utterly unexpected position. See Female Characters, Lack thereof, sex, pregnancy, healing, seer, wandless magic, and Defense Against the Dark Arts
 
Remus Lupin begins all tours either celibate or gay. Although it takes many forms, his character revolves around his firm conviction that he is an unlovable monster. Rarely happy and never carefree, Remus is doomed to be the innocuously nice wizard who faultlessly performs his duty. Tourists who view the following will be relieved to note that it has never occurred to Remus to be suicidal. See lycanthropy, Marauders, Lily Potter/Evans, kindness, eyes
 
EXCUSE ME I MUST GO HOME AND STICK MY HEAD IN THE OVEN is a solitary tour of short duration that directly follows the death of Lily and James Potter. In these regions, the tourist will be forced to listen to Remus’s anguished internal monologue about how he is the last of the Marauders. He will agonize over how boyish, carefreeSirius could betray braveJames, gentleLily, and earnest, inoffensivePeter. He will ponder the emptiness of his life now that his friends are dead, or as good as dead, and heartily wish he could have died in their place. He may take a special moment to reflect on Harry’s future of desolation with the Dursleys. The site of these musings will be suitably bleak to lend an even greater air of tragedy to the already overwhelmingly depressing region. Remus will either be sitting alone in a bar or standing alone in the rain.
 
REMUS THE CONFESSOR will expound on the subject of love in a way which will be truly ironic considering his own lack of practical experience. However tourists leery of imparting amorous confidences to so inexperienced a man need not fear. His advice will be excellent. Although he will never betray your secrets, this will not stop him from making pointed, well-deserved comments of uncomfortable veracity and matchmaking on your behalf. Tourists in need of a confidant but lacking the impetus to find one can rest assured that Remus the Confessor will find you and ask subtle and incisive questions coupled with a terse home truth and a patient, understanding gaze until all your secrets come spilling out. See Severus Snape/Original Character, Female, Sirius Black, and Harry Potter
 
I BARELY DESERVE TO LIVE: This adult form of Remus believes that he exists on the earth under sufferance that could and probably should be withdrawn. This noble self-sacrificing man firmly believes that he is completely unworthy of love. He further believes that he will ruin the lives of anyone he become close to by either infecting them with his curse or his general miasmic aura. He is engaged in a constant battle to restrain himself from the great harm that he is certain the monster inside of him will perpetrate if he ever lets his guard down. All those not privy to his mental soliloquies on this subject will regard him as thoughtful gentleman. These tourists will be required to spend at least several minutes pondering how such a controlled quiet person can transform into a ravening monster once a month and admire his great inner strength and character. It should be noted that all of Remus’s fear are unfounded. He never physically hurts anyone who doesn’t thoroughly deserve it and he never infects anyone else with lycanthropy. See Remus Lupin/Original Character
 
CHILD REMUS is the conscience of the Marauders. This incredibly studious and intelligent young man personifies everything that the stereotypical werewolf is not. Although a slightly less enthusiastic mischief-maker than either James or Sirius, he is a force to reckoned with once he silences his scruples. His pranks tend to be of a more sophisticated and less injurious form than those of his fellow Marauders. It is widely believed that he conceived of the Marauders Map, thus earning himself the pride of place at the beginning of the map’s jaunty greeting. He is patience incarnate, as is exhibited with his willingness to incessantly help Peter and occasionally Sirius with their homework. Though a solitary person by nature, he never takes his friends for granted and is incredibly grateful to be included in the Marauders. This feeling is amplified when they confront him in either the library or the common room regarding the true nature of his mother/aunt/generic female relative’s many and regular illnesses. He is shocked, often to the point of tears, that his condition does not alter their affection for him and that they will not betray his secrets. He is apprehensive about their subsequent plan to become animagi, but is almost pathetically grateful when it succeeds. See Whomping Willow, Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Remus Lupin/Original Character, and Weeping
 
GENERAL REMUS FACTS: there are some traits the follow Remus through all of his various forms.
-He was always bitten on his shoulder.
-His entire body is either covered in scars or unmarred except for one fateful remnant
-He often had a slightly too perfect brother who died in a rather tragic fashion as a young boy. This will possibly provide Remus with a burden of guilt.
-He meets the other Marauders on the Hogwarts Express
 
Remus Lupin/Hermione Granger See time-turners
 
Remus Lupin/Original Character: Remus Lupin only enters relationships after long, careful deliberation and soul-searching. Although he MUST be jolted into action by enflaming circumstances, he is rarely carried very far by the heat of the moment. That first kiss/sexual encounter may be messy and unexpected but the second one will only come about after weeks/months/years of cajoling and declarations of love and trust. And, of course, all of his romances are effected by his deep ceded self-disgust.
 
MARAUDERS’ ERA: Remus’s love interest will probably be a member of the Marauders’ Female Auxiliary, and will most likely be possessed of a quietly piquant charm. She may also have dark secrets that will provide a sense of fellow feeling between her and Remus. Sometimes they are separated by stubbornness and circumstance. This leads into the following entry. See doom
 
POST MARAUDERS
THE COUPLE WITH A HISTORY will have a difficult time working toward a reconciliation. Their parting was generally brought about by Remus’s misguided nobility and unwillingness to subject her to the sorrows of his curse. She will have interpreted his behavior as an absence of affection and he will not have disabused her. The situation can only become tenser if he has unknowingly left her with a child. All these stresses will only be done away with after she has metaphorically beaten him over the head with her devotion to him. Then they will have a tender and sweet life together punctuated by concerns for their less blissful friends and by Voldemort’s wicked machinations. See Relatives, Long Lost
A NEW AND INTERESTING ‘FRIEND’ is probably the best tour for tourists yearning for a romance with Remus Lupin. It nearly always involves a muggle or a witch whois either unaware of her abilities or is relatively untrained in the arts magical. Being the dedicated educationalist that he is, Remus will begin training his appealingly attractive new acquaintance or bring her to Hogwarts for the same purpose. Muggles will be innocently and adorably delighted by all of the basics of wizarding life, especially wands, and will also take him on a circuit of all that the muggle world has to offer. Because these women have less personal and cultural baggage regarding Remus and werewolves, they will merely have to overcome their sorrow on his behalf when he explains his condition. See lycanthropy
 
Remus Lupin/Sirius Black (AN: This is the only slash entry we intend to include in this Guide. We include it because it occurs with such great frequency and because it is one of the few slash pairings that regularly occurs in the background of otherwise het fics.) In tours devoid of Original Female Characters, many tour guides turn to this pairing as a way to happily settle two of the most fascinating adult canon characters. It is difficult for intrigued tourists to deny the allure of a romance that will/has persist(ed) with such fortitude through such pain and long separation. However, like all elements of HPFH, it is governed by some peculiar rules. For example, in the absence of Hermione, the chocolate colored eyes will revert to Sirius and Remus’s eyes will be amber or honeycolored. Other rules vary with the time period and the prominence of the romance.
 
MARAUDERS ERA: This pairing is a constant fixture of all Marauders tours which do not contain a Marauders’ Female Auxiliary. At an often surprisingly young age, Remus will notice that his feelings of great admiration and camaraderie for his boisterous fellow Marauder have ceased to be entirely platonic. He will be certain that the object of his desires could never return his affections, so he hides them almost perfectly behind his unflappable, placid manner. Similarly, Sirius will notice that his protective feelings for the smaller boy have deepened. Being less skilled in subterfuge, he will hide his uncomfortable passions by dating anything capable of independent movement. He will find all of these rather physical relationships empty and they will be of a shockingly short duration. Nonetheless, they serve their purpose, because Remus will never suspect that his feelings are returned. Both boys will indulge is a great deal of self-doubting angst before the stalemate is broken by the approach of the Yule Ball, an indiscretion in their alternate forms, or Sirius comforting Remus after a nightmare. However, the budding romance will not reach smooth sailing until Remus tells Sirius about how werewolves mate for life and his understandable concerns for the longevity of their amorous association. The boys will be unnecessarily worried about the discovery of their relationship. Although Peter will be temporarily disgusted, James and Lily will vocalize the general sentiment of “well, its about time”.
 
 
 
Restricted Section: Any form of literature that would be of any use to you will be located here. You will be unwillingly forced to sneak into the library under cover of darkness and Harry’s invisibility cloak, dodging Mrs. Norris and the insomniacal Severus Snape, only to frantically rifle through the shelves and find nothing. The Potions Master will catch you and will then assign you or Hermione, if she has gone in your stead, a detention,. On occasion it will be the reverse and you will witness Snape’s or Draco Malfoy’s nocturnal perusal of the shelves. In this situation, wait until they have left and then try to discover what it was that so fascinated them. This will lead to either a secret special project or a revelation regarding Draco’s morality. Tourists should beware: In order to get to the Restricted Section you will have to brave the corridors at night. And you should know by now that this is always a chancy proposition. See Madame Pince, rape, and prefects
 
Ron Weasley: The perennial side kick, the charming leading man, the insensitive lout, Ron Weasley is a Potterian whose rather adaptable nature needs to be watched and understood by all tourists planning on making it through any tour, excepting those in Marauders regions. Even the tour guides most indifferent to his allure will be unable to obscure his presence entirely. And, at the very least, they may use him to practice writing an English accent. Even when everyone else still sounds like they were born in Idaho. He can be said to fall into three categories and they exist in tours of virtually every temporal location.
 
I AM THE RON FROM CANON. MY WONDERFULNESS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF: This form of Ron has all of the scruffily irresistible appeal of his canon counterpart and is aided by a few more years of life to add physical and emotional maturity. He has grown tall, broad, and fit over whatever summer it was since he was last seen. He still sometimes feels a touching insecurity around Harry, but becoming Keeper for the Quidditch team and going on a trip with his family has helped him gain confidence and satisfaction with his life. However, Voldemort, doubts about his future, or his unresolved relationship with Hermione Granger may shadow his days. Or maybe all of these together. If the Dark Lord has been done-in and he is married to/going steady with Hermione, this Ron’s career will probably be either in, temporarily, the service industries, in the sporting news, or in law enforcement. Contented Rons of this sort are a useful aid to any and every tourist or Potterian who is feeling crossed in love. He is remarkably sensible if, sometimes, a tad bit obtuse. See jobs, the Three Broomsticks, Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley
 
THE TOUR GUIDES ARE UTTERLY UNINTERESTED IN ME: This Ron is considered much too normal and well-adjusted to play a significant part in their angst-ridden region. He will be amiably happy and dating/be married to Lavender Brown. His concern for his friends will be confined to a worried glance at the back of their head as they exit the common room or his home. He may give sage advice that is made useless by circumstances he is unaware of. This Ron can also be trusted to come up with a cheery but futile statement of encouragement to his beleaguered friends. In extreme forms of tour guideal disinterest, Ron will be dead. This provides an opportunity for tragedy, weeping, and little need to mention him afterwards. See Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, or Harry Potter/Hermione Granger
 
THE TOUR GUIDES HATE ME: This Ron ranges from being a tactless oaf to an abusive, pointlessly jealous traitor. At meals his mouth will be stuffed full of food and his general manner will be unfailingly crude. Never mind Voldemort, this brute is the cause of all of your problems. His envy for Harry Potter may also inspire him to join the other side and slaughter all of the other less offensive Weasleys. This not only introduces a heartrending betrayal, but has the double effect of both ending his proximity to the other Potterians and providing a new villain for those tour guides who want a Good Draco. Tour guides who merely dislike Ron will simply have him get into a snit with Hermione and absent himself from her company for the duration of the tour. See Severus Snape, Harry Potter, or Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, exile, and treachery
 
Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger is the one romance that has some firm basis in canon. A natural outgrowth of a longstanding friendship, its foundations are always solid. Although this pair suffers from minor and major squabbles, they are always the best of friends at heart.
 
DELICATELY AVOIDING THE ISSUE: This form of Ron and Hermione is the frustration of all of their friends and acquaintances. They have long denied their more than friendly feelings for each other and are currently locked in a struggle to hide their passion from themselves and each other. A large amount of time will be spent not kissing, not declaring their love, and not dating. Ron will be filled with embarrassment and anger with himself every time he catches himself meditating on Hermione’s beauty, wit, and loyalty. Hermione will cogitate upon Ron’s protectiveness, kindness, and adorable red-hairedness. Tourists can also take heart that Ron and Hermione sometimes give in under the pressure of concealing their love. This may give you a chance of witnessing a snogging session in the common room. Blushes, throat clearing, and lame excuses will abound, so practice your snickers and eye-rolling ahead of time. These two morph into the Happy Couple in one of two ways: After they have been forced to acknowledge their tender feelings by dangerous incidents; or after one has decided that enough is enough and takes the plunge by expressing their devotion to the other in a rush of incomprehensible stuttering. Afterwards, if you are signed on as a friend, you are permitted to say, “I told you so,” in chorus with Harry,Ginny, Fred, and George. Just not too often. And both interested parties will be so euphoric over their personal happiness that they will not care too much anyway. See Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, the Yule Ball, and Hagrid, Rubeus
 
YOU ONLY HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE will be a tour whose content and topic will be Hermione and Ron’s constant and unstoppable bickering. Both parties are tired of doing it, but it is a habit of such long duration that neither knows how to desist. There will be much internal heartburning from the two participants. They will mentally flagellate themselves with questions about why they got into a fight instead of an embrace. These many petty verbal sparring matches that conceal their ardor will culminate in a verbal battle royal, possibly resulting from Ron’s constant references to Viktor Krum, referred to by Ron with the intensely annoying nickname of “Vicky” that came up so fleetingly in canon. The duel will end when Ron either grabs Hermione for a totally unexpected but long-overdue kiss or blurts out that he loves her. Shock and tears of happiness will follow. See jealousy, common room, Yule Ball, and weeping
 
FOR SOME REASON WE HAVEN’T SEEN EACH OTHER IN YEARS: The tension in this tour is a direct result of an exile or estrangement that occurred following graduation. Their love is still as constant as ever but their confidence is not. They will meet suddenly at Hogwarts, through Harry, or as the result of their jobs. They will be shaken to the core by their reaction to the other. Greater maturity makes it possible to hide their discomfort but not to banish their frustrating passions. Ron and Hermione will also have reproaches for each other over the lack of correspondence in the past or, possibly, the original problem that caused the rift. When the reason for the separation was Harry’sdeath or a quest for a cure for someone’s being cursed, they can come together in mutual comfort and forgiveness. Generally speaking, mutual comfort and forgiveness brings them into a happy state of union often on this tour. Warning: This type of region is the Ron/Hermione in which your tour guides are most likely to abandon you half way through. See catatonic states, guilt, and justice
 
THE HAPPY COUPLE is the terminus of the above tours. They are contented with their lives and are mainly occupied with canoodling and, as long as Ron has gotten over his initial brotherly anxiety, plotting to match Harry Potter with Ginny Weasley. This is the reverse of Delicately Avoiding the Issue Ron/Hermione. This dynamic duo is also extremely helpful with the fight against Voldemort since they are no longer preoccupied by other concerns. But they still sometimes squabble endearingly over House Elves and Hogwarts: A History. After graduation, they are allowed to worry about their careers or to be comfortably ensconced in married life. They are often relegated to the background of other people’s dramatics.
 
Rumors in HPFH can be viewed as a form of airborne contagion. Incredibly virulent and communicable through the mouth, all of Hogwarts will be infected within the day. You will not need to hunt far for the source of the more pernicious forms of the contamination, as it is invariably PansyParkinson. And there is little you can do. You will have to suffer in silence such painful symptoms as whispers behind your back, smirks behind the hands, stifled laughter/giggling, and malignant glares. The only cure, which, incidentally, doesn’t work, is pretending it’s not there. See Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, and Harry Potter
 
Running is the best and most natural form of exercise in the regions of HPFH. Tourists will be called upon to run, dart, dash, sprint, jog, scamper, scurry, and trot, at a moment’s notice, sometimes while bearing a fellow tour companion. Because of the physical demands this will make on you, we advise some form of conditioning before you embark upon any but the most sedate of tours. See infirmary, danger, and death eaters