The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

P

Padfoot See Sirius Black, nicknames and Marauders

Pansy Parkinsonsimpers, clings, and follows Draco around with the tenacity of a pack of baying hounds. Even Evil Dracos can only stomach using her to satisfy their baser needs. Good Dracos and Sort of Good Dracos intensely and silently dislike her in the privacy of their own minds. They will think several nasty and unprintable things about her. Often times their forbearance finally breaks and they blow up at her in a humiliating way in the dining hall. Your tour guides justify this by making Pansy into so imbecilic, mercenary, and sneaky an individual as to make every fiber of your being rebel against her. She will spend the tour almost constantly jealous and will be hatching many a petty and juvenile plot. She is only dangerous when she is working in concert with LuciusMalfoy. Her cruelties only extend as far as Draco’s unSlytherin and therefore unsuitable lovers. Libelous gossip will almost always have Pansy Parkinson as its source. We don’t know how she spreads this verbal poison, as she seems to possess no friends. See Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, sex, Female Characters, Lack thereof, and rumor

Parents: In HPFH, with the notable exception of the Weasleys, who are excellence personified, the only truly good parent is a dead parent. You should count yourself lucky if all you have to worry about is your parents’ disinterest. In this case, you will at least be assured an excellent education. For those tourists afflicted by evil parents the torments and brutalities are manifold. Be prepared for beatings, rapings, locking in broomclosetings, and routine poisonings. If your true parentage has been withheld, expect a flash of insight or an insensitive comment from your erstwhile parents to reveal your unfortunate or at least uncomfortable ancestry. See Voldemort, James Potter and Lily Potter, Ollivander, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape, all of the Malfoys, and childhoods

Peeves provides an excuse for all of those suspicious creaks and bangs so common to HPFH. He is something of a bother for tourists because it is possible for Potterians to assume that all sinister noises have him at their source. This is probably the reason your screams for help are so universally ignored. Tourists, who are kissing someone their friends would disapprove of, may also be forced to flee when they hear Peeves. But, on the whole, your tour guides have decided to leave him and his difficult-to-compose ditties in the background. See corridors, ghosts, and the Bloody Baron

Percy Weasley is gay, dead, doomed, or completely overlooked. Occasionally he somehow manages all four. Gay Percys are always involved with OliverWood. Dead or doomed ones leave behind grieving and/or pregnant widows. And we can naturally disregard the completely overlooked ones. See tragedy, Voldemort, Ministry of Magic, and all of the Weasleys

Peter Pettigrew’s main characteristic is a pathological and self-destructive obsession with his future longevity. Even his personal happiness comes as a long second to the preservation of his own skin. He feels more secure in the bared power of Voldemort, than in the understated strength of Dumbledore. In an effort to maintain his safety, he seeks out that which most terrifies him and makes himself indispensable to it. Thus his snack runs for the Marauders and his spying for the Dark Lord. Tourists should not be fooled by his grandiose title of being Voldemort’s right hand man. A more accurate title would be something between a secretary and a valet. His despicable deeds will all be at the command of his master. When you are kidnapped, he will be cringing behindthe throne of depravity and might be the one to drag you off to your cell or torture you but he won’t be imaginative or proactive about it. Historically minded or just generally curious tourists should note that, on a few rare occasions, his treachery stemmed from his unrequited love for Lily Evans/Potter. See death eaters and Nagini

Petunia Dursley, when she isn’t sniffing next to Vernon, will be tormenting the youthful Lily Evans. She will be exhibiting her hatred, jealousy, and prejudice towards her sister. She won’t really do anything else. Though she might brag about her boyfriend, Vernon. See Dursleys, Harry Potter, and Lily Evans

Pince, Madame, like Hagrid, is, on the whole, conspicuous in her absence. She seems to spend a lot of time in her office. Or perhaps she is incredibly discreet with respect to the secrets that are revealed and the confrontations that take place in her domain. We can also forgive her seeming ignorance of all of the romantic altercations that occur in the library because they are most often scheduled extremely late at night. The poor woman obviously needs her sleep much more than the youthful students and guilt-ridden sleepless teachers who amble through the stacks at midnight. Don’t expect her to be either a help or a hindrance during the tour. Tourists seeking that vitally important book inconveniently entombed in the RestrictedSection had much better worry about being caught by Professor Snape, whose nocturnal wanderings are so irritatingly unpredictable, than the obliviously and innocently snoozing Madame Pince. See Hermione Granger and Invisibility

Poisons are unwillingly brewed and administered by Snape for the delectation and plots of Voldemort. They are a cause for much of his burden of guilt. See Spy and Fudge

Pomfrey, Poppy has a soft spot in her marshmallow heart for RemusLupin (Really! Who doesn’t?). She is exceedingly skilled at the healing of bodies and recognizing wounds of the soul, which will of course be cured by true love. But she displays a woeful lack of capability to crack through the mysterious curses that so often plague tourists and their companions. Here you will have to rely upon your clever and exceptional friends. But for the hypothermia that comes after you have lost consciousness in a blizzard or the burns and even stranger side effects you receive after a botched potion, there is nothing better than a daylong stay with Madame Pomfrey. See Infirmary, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Dumbledore, and Harry Potter

Potions class is dreaded by all student Potterians and with good reason. No class is complete without Neville Longbottom melting a cauldron or a mixture exploding with injurious results. Tourists who expect a reprieve by booking a Marauders tour will be disappointed when they discover that the previous Potions Master/Mistress had a similarly abrasive personality. This may be due to the noisome odors and noxious fumes. We are uncertain why tourists are subjected to this torment, as nothing you learn here will be of any use. The only potions knowledge a well-educated Potterian, who is not Hermione Granger or Severus Snape, requires is that asphodel and wormwood make a potent sleeping draught. This is unfortunate because all the potions you have no knowledge of can be incredibly useful. SeverusSnape uses them to the exclusion of foolish wand waving. (“Where oh where did I put that dictation potion”) Perhaps this is what is means to be a potions master. See Special Projects

Potterians are all the people you might meet on tour in any region HPFH. They include anyone and everyone from canon, Defense Against Dark Arts teachers, muggles of all three types, deatheaters, and anyone else your tour guides have dreamed up to divert you.

Pranks are the almost exclusive domain of the Marauders and the Weasleys. The Marauders target their pranks at the young Severus Snape and any other Slytherin who is convenient and ghastly. Ginny is much more selective in her mischief. She targets only her brothers and others she holds dear. You may consider a prank form Ginny as a slightly impudent declaration of her affections. Fred and George Weasley are not nearly this discriminating. They target anyone and everyone except their mother. Even their Gryffindor courage must fail sometimes.

Prefects: This position is a lighter version of being Head Boy or Girl. It is your tour guide’s justification for Harry and Ron fading away from Hermione’s life or for Ron to be torn between irritation with and admiration for her accomplishments. It also makes it possible for Hermione to be plausibly wandering the corridors at night and bathing in dangerous solitude. See rape, Draco Malfoy, and fainting

Pregnancy occurs when it is most inconvenient for everyone involved or when it is SO convenient that it will cap the tour in a state of perfect marital bliss. Hermione Granger is the woman most likely to suffer under the inconvenient variety. Her life will be harrowing but she will later view her child as a great and blessed gift. Or at the very least it will save her from becoming the Bitterly Practical Researcher. Harry and Ginny’sbirthcontrol, conversely, does not begin to fail them until after the wedding. Thus their pregnancies are of the felicitous type. Please note that casual/consensual sex is much less prone to producing little surprises than rape. See Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, corridors, and bathrooms

Privacy will be in short supply if you have signed on as a student. Tourists who require it should find a secret and magical corridor/room/passage that only they know how to access. And the only true assurance of privacy is for someone to begin doing something extremely reprehensible to you. Professors have slightly better access to privacy. But even they must contend with heads in the fireplace and Dumbledore’s disconcerting omniscience. The best, most guaranteed way of losing privacy is desperately needing it. See secrets, noise, walls, Severus Snape/Original Character or Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger or Ginny Weasley,

Projects, special are a mainstay for tours where HermioneGranger is required to suddenly find an unlikely Slytherin irresistibly attractive. The project will be assigned to her to as a sign of her professors’ high regard for her intelligence and maturity or assigned by herself as a sign of her impressive work-ethic and Gryffindor bravery. Both kinds will require much time spent alone with her partner or faculty supervisor in secluded or magically hidden chambers. The exact nature of the project varies from translating scrolls to inventing a potion, but it is generally immaterial. Regardless of content, the successful termination of a special project results in effusive displays of affection. Whether this involves kissing or sex on the floor of the secret chamber is up to your tour guide. Female tourists will never have to worry directly about special projects since they seem to be only achievable by two people of the opposite sex. See Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/Hermione Granger, lycanthropy, ancient runes, and arithmancy

Prongs See James Potter, nicknames, and Marauders

Prophecy has the rather upsetting OFTs of misunderstood, misinterpreted, and foretelling doom to come. It is a burden but is also often the only warning you will get so don’t follow your instinct to irritatedly ignore it. What seems annoyingly cryptic now, will be mortifyingly obvious when you are tied that chair, raped by that evil person, or make that book fly across the room without the use of your wand. If you happen to be the vessel of prophecy, your name is Lily Evans Ginny Weasley, or Mary Sue and you can expect any number of strange and discommoding experiences. See Seers, Voldemort, and Harry Potter

Punishment is yet another item which Potterians and tourists worry about whose solid expression is much milder than the terrors it inspires. The Ministry almost never is informed of anything worth punishing and even those unwarranted detentions only result in, after an uncomfortable time in either the ForbiddenForest or the dungeons, the blossoming of romance. Voldemort, as opposed the Ministry of Magic, is very enthusiastic about his punishments, but only toward his loyal if inept death eaters. This should hardly be a problem for respectable tourists. Perhaps the worst punishments are those which are self-inflicted. Nighmares and lack of sleep are your conscience’s way of telling you that it was rather rotten of you to kill/torture/poison/rape that muggle/mudblood/Minister of Magic/innocent bystander. See Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy