The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

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Obliviate is excessively useful for nearly every single person living in any region in HPFH. With the sheer volume of rule breaking, plotting, and malicious mischief making that goes on, we advise any tourist, whether they plan on being evil or not, to memorize this spell as soon as they are done with Alohamora. And because some wily death eater in-hiding may use it on you, try to recognize the telltale signs of its use. We understand that the very nature of this sneaky little incantation makes this difficult, but give it your best effort.

OliverWood makes the most cameo appearances of all the minor canon Potterians. Consequently, tourists are advised to be familiar with him. You will be waving and/or exchanging pleasantries with him sometime in the tour. On occasion he acts as Quidditch player Harry’s coach. In the instances when he is not a background character, he is almost always intimately acquainted with PercyWeasley.

Ollivander: Tourists who have signed up to be an OriginalCharacter are required to pay a visit to this peculiar Potterian at some point in the course of their tour. Adults who are trying to keep their identities a secret should not be alarmed when he sees through their heretofore-impenetrable disguise. Ollivander is the soul of discretion and will not reveal your guilty past or name to anyone. Just make sure you have not been so unwise as to visit his shop with someone being deceived by you. If you are a student he will help reveal your future remarkableness by providing you with an unusual wand, then by making maddeningly oblique references to what it means to be matched with said unusual wand, and finally by making equally mad and vague references to your parents. He will make a particular point of doing the latter if you have been unfortunate enough to have never met them or if you are ignorant of their identities. If his remarks seem to have no bearing on the people you call mother and father, be advised: You are probably the child of some uncomfortably interesting person. See Voldemort, James and Lily Potter, Sirius Black, danger, death, guilt, and exile

Order of the Phoenix, the supplies the excuse for an unconscionable number of conferences. And everyone who is anyone and also happens to be virtuous, noble and worthy, is a member. Tourists should join if only because it is a good place to see and be seen. We have it on the good authority of your tour guides that it manages to get more work done than the Ministry. Though this is not a seemingly difficult task, they all put forth a tremendous amount of effort in the performance of it. Your confederates in the Order will all be in a frenzy of activity that produces very little in the way of results. For, despite their impressive name, in the end, like all the rest of HPFH’s background Potterians, they must rely on you and your tour companions to do the glamorous and crucial labors. See Dumbledore, Albus, Alastor Moody, and Fudge, Cornelius

Orgies are what make a good Dark Revel great. Because only evil people hold orgies, around half of the participants will be unwilling. On the guest list will be: deatheaters, people purporting to be deatheaters, terrified muggles, imperioed mudbloods, and kidnappedPotterians. The best orgies are held by LuciusMalfoy on a generally biweekly basis. If you are a spy, they will cause you no end of mental anguish and spiritual agony. Having attended orgies in the past is a handy excuse for being jaded and stricken with guilt in the present. See Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, death, danger, rape, torture, and Hermione Granger

Original Characters are the best and most reliable cure for FemaleCharacters, lackthereof. In contrast to canon Potterians, females by far comprise the majority of this group. They are an intriguing bunch of people. When their pasts are not the cause of nightmares, they are at least the cause for a late night discussion over drinks. Tourists should win their trust quickly, as they possess special knowledge or gifts, which would be excessively useful if only they would mention it. However, if they are not inclined to offer confidences, it will not be too great of a danger because, when you are in a situation where the knowledge or gift is desperately needed, it will be dramatically revealed to the profound relief of you and your tour group. Male Original characters are evil. Avoid them. See SeverusSnapeRemusLupinSiriusBlack/Original Character, Defense Against Dark Arts, and muggles

OWLS differ from NEWTS in that they are occasionally taken. But their main purpose is providing something for young Potterians to fret themselves about before their lives go to hell in a hand basket. This is useful to your tour guides because it will make it possible for the now frantically anxious Potterians to look nostalgically back upon the time when all they had to worry about was their OWLs. What's more, the test gives HermioneGranger something other than homework to bother Harry and especially Ron about. See Ron/Hermione, danger, and jobs