The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

L

Lake, the is a spot conducive to cogitation, reserved for rumination, predisposed to pondering (::Rugi tears Gwena away from the key board:: I will be typing now!). Along with thinking (::Rugi glares at Gwena::), you will also go to the lake to weep bitter tears and possibly unintentionally meet your love. If you cannot swim, we insist that you visit the lake as soon as possible since the chances of a daring rescue are hearteningly high.

Language, if it’s not the Queen’s English, denotes sophistication, intrigue, and also proximity to temptation. It is an excellent test for tourists leery of befriending possibly dangerous Slytherins. If they can decline Latin nouns and/or respond correctly to the question, "Voulez-vous devenir un deatheater?" feel safe making friends with them. However, you will have to be an excessively tolerant and supportive friend because they will be waging a desperate struggle against their shameful past and the darkness it introduced to their souls. Note: Tourists desiring entrance into the select conclave of NobleSlytherins must have a thorough grounding in the classical languages. See Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, education, and Zambini Blaise

LavenderBrownandParvatiPatil,in HPFH, can be considered by busy tourists to be one person. They have only two purposes: To giggle in the background and be boy-crazy to annoy the infinitely more mature HermioneGranger, who will also be slightly and guiltily jealous. And to date and/or marry Ron so Hermione can pursue a less obvious romantic possibility.

Laws exist to create stress and worry for the luckless Potterians who are forced to break them for the noblest and most necessary of reasons. Do not be overly alarmed by the threatened punishments, although they will be very severe indeed. In order to inflict these chastisements, the Ministry has to be aware that you have committed the high crimes and misdemeanors in the first place. And, since those in a position to tattle inevitably refrain from doing so, the Ministry will probably remain blessedly ignorant. See Albus Dumbledore

Libel see Rumor

Library can be somewhat frustrating for studious tourists. If you linger after hours, you will probably be interrupted by Sort of Good/Evil DracoMalfoy attacking HermioneGranger or at least shouting at her in an offensive and slightly ribald fashion. If you have taken a Marauders tour, you may also have to weather a confrontational and emotionally charged scene when the other Marauders confront Remus about his lycanthropy. You would probably have an easier time studying in the dining hall. Further, books that are of use to your research are all located in the RestrictedSection and must be studied in the dead of night under a borrowed invisibility cloak. See Harry Potter and Madam Pince

Lily Evans’s name can also sometimes be pronounced "Mary Sue" or "HermioneGranger" and thus she presents us with a challenge. The only hints we can give you are that she will be studious, appreciative of pranks, and either excessively popular or socially-invisible. Sometimes she will have two friends who act as sort of Marauderettes. Tourists romantically interested in young RemusLupin or SiriusBlack would do well to be accepted into the Marauders’ Female Auxiliary, if there is a chapter on your tour. Do not worry; Lily shows more discretion in her choice of companions and Petera Grewipett does not exist. Occasionally she will also have befriended SeverusSnape, to the horror and general confusion of the other Gryffindors. And HermioneGranger relies on her to be a supportive companion when she is sent back in time. When Lily is involved in a love/hate relationship with JamesPotter, she also tends to be somewhat temperamental and sensitive, but these shows of temper won’t be directed at you so it won’t really tax your forbearance overmuch. And they will disappear when she transforms into LilyPotter. On more exacting tours, Lily may also be the vessel of Prophecy – destined to bear the child that will lift the darkness. Being a friend of the vessel of prophecy will require you to be supportive as she is almost always almost raped and/or kidnapped to prevent the fulfillment of her destiny. But with your now extensive knowledge of kidnapping and your almost as extensive knowledge of rape trauma you should be equal to the task of seeing her through. And James always helps. See weddings, Original Characters, Petunia Dursley, and Female Characters Lack of

Lily Potter is sweet, compliant, motherly, and loyal. She is fiercely protective of Remus and will slap Sirius when he insinuates that Remus is not to be trusted. She is also perceptive and will have unvoiced doubts about Peter. However, the unfortunate truth of HPFH is, when it is most vital that they do so, NO ONE LISTENS TO LILY POTTER. See guilt, James Potter, and Harry Potter

Love or the lack there of is the root of all that is evil and good in HPFH. Driven by his love having been spurned or dead, Snape is cruel to Harry, Spurred on by love, Ron/Draco/Harry/Remus/Severus/James selflessly saves Ginny/Hermione/Lily/Original Female Character from rape/kidnapping/torture/despair/crippling guilt/death. Having a nonexistent or unsatisfactory presence of love on your life, (both parental, platonic, and romantic) seems to be the primary inspiration for binding yourself to Voldemort. Tourists should also strive to remember that falling in love is the easiest and smoothest path to redemption. It should be applied without delay to any deatheater who you want to change sides and heroically do battle for the cause of the Light. Lost love is also useful to tour guides because it produces instant Tragedy.

Lucius Malfoy is EVIL. You will see him more than Voldemort himself and in many ways will be more deleteriously affected by his hand in your life. To Lucius’s character is ascribed every depravity and perversion known to man and many not. Unimaginative tourists may be slightly shocked by the inventiveness of your tour guides when you are dragged to his Dark Revels held at Malfoy Manor. His voracious appetite for all forms of vice will provide a contrast to the clinical and calculated evil of Voldemort. He is a malevolent enemy but nonmeglomaniacal in his ambitions. The man just wants his fun. Because his life seems to be devoted to tormenting his wife, his son, and everyone else who is unfortunate enough to come in contact with him, you may wonder how he manages to maintain his illusive mask of respectability. But wealth and breeding tends to lend a person a certain latitude in HPFH. And he is a single-mindedly cunning bastard so you will probably have to deal with him and his cadre of escaped deatheaters after you have dealt with Voldemort. Though this is useful for the extension of your tour, you may be inclined to feel ill-used by the end as he has a unique ability to correctly judge what will cause you the most degrading, emotional suffering. Tourists accompanied by SeverusSnape should be aware that there is no love lost between them, except in the cases when there is A LOT of ... ahem ... love between them. See Narcissa Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, torture, rape, kidnapping, and orgies

Lycanthropy has a myriad of erratic symptoms that seem to contradict each other. Werewolves are exhausted individuals who have aged before their time. However, they also possess superhuman strength and have miraculous powers of regeneration. The condition is passed on by bodily fluids, or just a bite, or just a wolfish bit, or by inheritance, or some other mysterious and often creative means beyond our ken. Some lycanthropes seem to be wolves in human bodies with amazing senses of smell, hearing, and night vision. And others, lacking a full nights sleep, wander the halls in a somnambular haze. You may transform for three days or twelve hours. If you have not selflessly taken a personal vow of celibacy, you will mate for life (pick your mate wisely, you will be stuck with them).In other words, depending on the vagaries of your tour guide, you may have a condition that has distinct advantages. Or you just feel sick all of the time. See Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin/Sirius Black, Remus Lupin/Original Female Character.