The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

K

Kicking is an ineffective way of escaping a would-be rapist or kidnapper. As you wrestle with your assailant, you will try to kick them but will either end up with stubbed toes or with your legs pinned under you. Tourists who are serious about getting away may want to attempt some judicious eye-gouging. When they are not alone in a bathroom or deserted corridor, tourists of both genders will have an opportunity to aim kicks at downed enemies as well. This is not considered bad form because your tour guides will have arranged for you to be filled with righteous indignation. The person you are kicking will thoroughly deserve it. See Peter Pettigrew, Pansy Parkinson, Draco Malfoy (Evil and Sort of Good), and Hermione Granger

Killing: Lots of this will be going on in the course of the tour. Many uninteresting yet innocent and helpless people will be dropping like flies. Tour guides have decided that rampant mass murder is the best way of establishing the appropriate mood. When killing is related to a specific character (as opposed to generic deatheaters), its temporal position should be carefully noted. Past killings tell you that your acquaintance has a burden of guilt. Their previous actions fill them with shame and disgust and they will be frantically trying to make amends by endangering themselves and/or hating everyone in the entire universe. The latter is because they are aware of the depths of depravity to which all men may sink. When a Potterian kills people during the tour however, unless they are a hapless spy, you can pretty much assume that this person is a rotten and disturbed individual. They will kill messily; bring a pomander and a bag of wet wipes. See Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, and Ron Weasley

Kidnapping takes on two aspects and is one of the most valuable of the weapons in your tour guides’ arsenal. Nothing brings people together more smoothly or thrillingly. The victims will typically be female. If you have booked a kidnapping tour, we advise you to prepare the insults and invective that you will be hurling at your vile jailors ahead of time. You will want to impress them with your strength of will and mind. It seems, of the male Potterians, only Harry has to suffer the indignity of being snatched and then taunted by his captors. Poor Snape is captured very often too, but he will be unable to appreciate the finer points (as mentioned below) of his abduction because he will be busy being tortured and knocked unconscious.

The types are as follows:

GIRL TIED TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS: This is the simplest and least psychologically demanding variety. Thus, you or someone you care about will be torn away from all they hold dear and carried off to some secret but easily located evil lair. There will be an exciting and energetic rescue that will give the victim ample opportunity to admire the magical and physical prowess of their rescuer(s). After that, it is all over but the kissing. Unless, of course, the villains escape while you or your friends are otherwise occupied. If this happens, you will have to spend the rest of the tour chasing after various deatheaters (but you get to kick them at the end). See Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, (Good) Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Severus Snape/ Hermione Granger, and Lucius Malfoy.

OH NO! MY KIDNAPPER/VICTIM IS ACTUALLY BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AND I THINK I LOVE/LUST HIM/HER: In HPFH Stockholm Syndrome takes on an unusual form. Not only will the hostage begin feeling an unwilling attraction to her captor, but the evil captor will be mortifyingly drawn to his mudblood victim. (Yes we know. Poor Hermione.) Both parties will not be unalloyed delighted. The romance will be of a peculiar and somewhat unhealthy kind. Though on rare occasions the abductor will experience a change of heart and will see the error of his ways in the sweet face of his victim. This does not happen very often, unfortunately, so tourists will have to take comfort in the amorous and conversational skills of their new lover. See Draco Malfoy (Sort of Good)/Hermione Granger

Kindness, labeled as such and as opposed to general niceness, is in tragically short supply in HPFH. It will be expressed by certain characters in specific scenarios.

DUMBLEDORE’s is a conscious decision and effort. He has multiple and complex motives for his behavior. It allows him to be trusted by the frightened and innocent and also disregarded by the wicked and guilty. Tourists who mistake his kindness for senility do so at their own peril. See Death Eaters, and Lucius Malfoy.

REMUS LUPIN would be kind all of the time ... if only he had the energy. He has a great sense of good will towards everyone who is not evil. But there it very abruptly ends. See Peter Pettigrew and death eaters

SEVERUS SNAPE is extremely coy about his kindness. Thus, it frustratingly appears in flashes only to give way to the vitriolic anger he uses to hide this show of vulnerability. Don’t carry tales of heart-warming conversations with Snape to your friends, he will adamantly deny they ever occurred. See Hermione Granger and Original Characters, Female

HUFFLEPUFFS are constantly/continuously/unceasingly/inexhaustibly kind. They cannot help it.

Kissing is naturally a very popular occupation in a school so filled with adolescents as Hogwarts is. And the atmosphere has infected many of the adults. Visit corridors, empty classrooms, commonrooms, bathrooms, the Library, and the AstronomyTower to get in on the action. Fortuitously, even first-time liplockers will be skilled in the art unless you have the unpleasant experience of discovering through the kiss that you really want a more fraternal relationship. Kissing is one of the main attractions in HPFH and should not be missed. But practice caution. We must warn you that kissing can lead to other less congenial activities, especially if you visit some of the more dangerous sites. See rape, pregnancy, sex, and Draco Malfoy(Evil and Sort of Good)