The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

J

James Potter (aka Prongs): To understand James character just add Remus plus Sirius and divide by two. He is more serious than Sirius, less responsible than Remus, and less... whatever Peter is. His doom hangs like a specter over your tour guides and probably scares them away from any in depth characterization. Perhaps they do not want to become to attached to one who will be so tragically betrayed. He is portrayed in a manner that makes the future treachery even more crushing. Tourist will be horrified that such a noble, kind, contented, intelligent, and chivalrous individual does not inspire more loyalty. (Note for Rugi and Gwena: We are sorry this is not an amusing entry, but we feel that James should be afforded a certain respect.) See Marauders, treachery, Harry Potter

James Potter/Lily Evans is one of the only relationships that tourists know with a frightening certainty has actually happened. It has a touch of the bittersweet because we also know how it ends. Those of you with tender sensibilities should perhaps pass this tour by or invest in a box of Kleenex.

HATE TO LOVE: The hatred between James and Lilly dates back to their first year when James made an insulting remark to Lily or a prank at her expense. As the tour begins, James has had a multitude of shallow relationships, but is still idolized by the female population of HPFH as one of the most desirable men in the school. Lily, who is (at least in her own opinion) the only woman immune to his charms, swears that she will never fall for that immature, arrogant, womanizer. James either believes that Lily is a stuck up, irritating, know-it-all or is completely unaware of her existence. There is also often a rivalry involving who can think up and execute the best pranks. When they become head boy and girl and after they have had several screaming matches while their friends look on knowingly, they will, thankfully for Harry, realize that their former nemesis is not quite that bad. And is indeed so wonderful that they simply must go to the YuleBall together. The rest (since who wants to watch them die even in a hearteningly heroic manner in a nice romance tour?) is history.

THE FIFTH MAURADER: Sirius will be instrumental in their introduction to each other on this tour. He will spot a lonely/lost looking red-head on the HogwartsExpress and introduce her to his comrades. When Lily is not a lonely/lost looking red-head she will have a group of female friends of a conveniently similar mischievousness and numerality to the male Marauders. Like Harry/Hermione, there will be a time of agony over the hardships of loving your best friend which will usually be resolved with alacrity. She will not become an animagus. (Here we will mention a personal pet peeve: No she is not a male cat belonging to Hermione Granger. Unless she does more than change her species.)

BORING BACKGROUND ROMANCE (OR CONVERSLY) THE HEART WARMING YET TRAGIC PERFECT LOVE: Here tourists willing to squint ostentatiously at Lily’s finger will be able to almost see the ring. James and Lily are the mature and indulgent second fiddles to other people’s histrionics. They will be overflowing with gentle and generally ignored sage advice. They will be conniving to get their lonely friends into a state of bliss similar to their own. They will be the stable alternative to the tempests that will be raging through the GryffindorCommonRoom. Tourists who feel overcome by all of these megrims should seek out their company. They are always generous with their time so you needn’t feel like an interloper (but you will). See Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew

Jealousy: The Green-eyed monster (No not Harry) is one of the many hazards of nearly any tour in HPFH. Tourists should beware. Under its pernicious influence you or people you know will behave in the most despicable or just plain nasty of ways. Jealous PansyParkinsons, Sort of Good/Evil DracoMalfoys, SiriusBlacks, and RonWeasleys are the most common and also most dangerous of the varieties. You may also encounter SeverusSnapes but they will merely scream at you with little to no good reason or become caustically sarcastic. Tourists who become jealous themselves should be ready to experience some shame and possibly minor guilt after they have behaved atrociously. See Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger and Petunia Dursley

 

Jobs and future careers are a source of great worry for young Potterians. This is not surprising when you consider the extremely limited range of possibilities for profession that are open to wizards and witches just entering the magical work force. The brave or emotionally disturbed can hope for careers as aurors; HermioneGranger can be a potions researcher; and Hogwarts graduates can always become teachers, but these, and part time jobs in the service industries, seem to be the only real options. We can understand that young people, who do not want to spend their lives waiting tables at the ThreeBroomsticks or sifting papers at the Ministry, may have some cause for despondency. Sadly, only tourists signed up to have romances with Charlie or BillWeasley are allowed to ride dragons or work at Gringotts; it appears to be one of the job requirements. Tourists and the MinistryofMagic should perhaps pause and consider that this unfortunate state of affairs may help to explain delinquency and the popularity of Voldemort that is so upsettingly pervasive among the youth of today. See Death Eaters, Ron Weasley

Jumpers: The prevalence of these inevitably "colourful" articles of clothing are one of few reasons tourists may have for believing the HPFH is actually located in Britain. See Accents, Ron Weasley, and Molly Weasley

Justice, though a somewhat abstract concept in our own world, it is similar to doom and evil in that certain Potterians will be hunting, seeking, demanding, or desperately hoping against hopefor IT throughout the whole of the tour. If your tour guides are of a philosophical bent, you may also be treated to a lengthy discussion regarding the existence and or possible composition of JUSTICE. The question will be academic as far as you and your friends are concerned. The only people who get justice are those for whom it will be an unpleasant experience (See Death Eaters) You, on the other hand, will suffer oodles of injustice in the course of the tour. Occasionally tours involving Sirius quester-after-justice Black, will see its practical expression in the form of an interminably long trial sequence. Warning: Tourists seeking justice through revenge will find it empty when they have achieved their ends. See Vengeance

Justin Finch-Fletchley will occasionally act as Hermione Granger’s boyfriend in order to make someone jealous. See Ron/Hermione, Draco/Hermione, and Harry/Hermione