The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

F

Fainting is considered by all Potterians as the single most reliable way of getting into the arms of your lover. You may even be required to introduce yourself in this rather dramatic manner. The female Potterian/tourist will awaken to find them sitting by her anxiously in the Infirmary. Or conversely, she will come around in the same place with no one but Madam Pomfey around and only discover later, to her chagrin, that they had carried her there. But their nerve will have failed them or they were reluctant to admit to the joy that holding her gave them. Men, being rather heavy for the petite females who populate HPFH, will collapse in a deserted location. Do not be alarmed when your future/present lover begins having convulsions (see Severus Snape and sometimes Draco Malfoy). You will only be required to hold him gently and cry piteously for help that does not come. You may also be hit in the eye. He will be more concerned about this superficial injury than the fainting spell. You will feel awkward with him for a while afterward. If you are involved with Harry Potter you can relax even more. He will simply faint. There will be no accompanying histrionics.

Families are considered rather passé in present day HPFH. They were evidentially all the rage about 15 years ago. This will explain the large number of abused and neglected children and orphans. We expect it to make a comeback in time for graduation. Tourists should not fear for future generations as the parenting skills of young Potterians will be formidable, despite their own inauspicious beginnings. Maybe it is part of the Muggle Studies curriculum? See childhoods, pregnancy, marriage, and all relationships

Female Characters, Lack thereof has mysterious origins. We posit that witches, for inexplicable reasons, give birth to a ratio of 75% wizards to 25% witches. This may also account for the relatively small size of the magical population. This, as you can imagine, is rather hard on your average male Potterian. But itis both a scourge and an inspiration for your tour guides. It is a breeding ground for Exchange Students, Defense Against Dark Arts teachers, and any other Original Characters you might encounter. Tourists, who have visited many regions and are puzzled by Hermione Granger’s habit of falling in love with anything that’s male and moves, may credit this phenomenon for even the most preposterous of affairs. This may also contribute to the inspiration for the multitudinous slash regions. See Severus Snape, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Harry Potter (wait, basically everybody who is a guy and not Dumbledore)

Filch, Argus is the unwilling engine for romance. His purpose in HPFH is to interrupt kissing and assign detentions that will lead to yet more kissing. See corridors

Fleur Delacour will be involved with a Weasley. She is not terribly picky about which one. Her most important function is to get Ron out of the way so Hermione can pursue a less obvious relationship. See Hermione/Everyone but Ron

Forbidden Forest: Contrary to its daunting name, the Forbidden Forest is the perfect place for a burgeoning romance. Plenty of really great detentions happen here. And even though it is supposed to be full of frightening magical creatures, you will encounter none of them. Tourists may want to pack a picnic lunch.

Fred Weasley is much less introspective than his brother George. Tourists will usually be unable to tell the Weasley twins apart and generally find them interchangeable.

Frostbite, thankfully, does not exist. Tourists can struggle through blizzards, chase their lovers through the snow while barefoot, get lost in the wintry Forbidden Forest, and take involuntary dips into the almost frozen lake without really even suffering a slight chill. Your rescuer who will not be affected at all by the exposure to the elements will still rap you in a cloak. If however you are running from your lover after a bitter argument or perceived betrayal, you will collapse and have to be taken to the Infirmary. They will have found you just in time. Apparently frostbite and hypothermia only comes to the unconscious. Perhaps their wizardly powers protect them until then. See Fainting

Fudge, Cornelius exists to be fussy. Tourists will be secretly pleased when he is graphically murdered. Even when his death is the signal for really exciting but terrifying things to come. Severus Snape will often have brewed the potion that delivered the killing stroke. This will serve to add to Snape’s burden of guilt. Oh, and his death will be the reason for an INTENSLY boring conference. See Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore, poison, and Severus Snape